How to Archer

by Sterling Archer

  FALSE FLAG

  This technique derives its name from pirate times, when the pirates would drive around in their pirate ships, drinking gimlets and flying a non-terrifying, non-skull-and-crossbones festooned flag. The Italian flag, for example. Then some nonpirate ship—probably stuffed to the boat-rafters with slaves and rum—would see the pirates and, thinking they were just some cool Italian guys who probably know where the party is, wave for them to come over there.

  But just when the pirates got within grappling-hook range … bam! Out comes the ol’ Jolly Roger, and then the pirates would spend the rest of the afternoon raping the woolen pants off everybody.

  Today a false flag operation is when an operative from one intelligence agency (Agency A) executes a mission against a second agency (Agency B) while posing as an operative for a third agency (Agency C) causing Agency B to cast blame on Agency C. Nobody gets raped.16

  HONEYPOT

  By far my favorite intelligence-gathering technique, the honeypot relies on a combination of seduction and blackmail. The Soviets are generally recognized as being the most skilled in the use of the honeypot, employing it with great success against Western agents all over the globe. The KGB term for a female agent used in a honeypot is a “swallow,” which works on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin.17

  The first step in the honeypot is seducing an enemy agent sexually. Normally the “honey” in the “honeypot” is a woman, but this is not always the case: agents of the British clandestine services have traditionally been incredibly likely to be seduced by thin, handsome, nearly body-hairless young men with lips like soft plums. Oh, and cocks.

  The second step in the honeypot is to blackmail the enemy agent by threatening to reveal the fact that he allowed himself to be seduced sexually.

  If the honey is a woman, the threat of exposure must be predicated upon the fact that said enemy agent is specifically prohibited by his government or agency from sexually fraternizing with any woman belonging to a particular group or organization (female East German civilians, for example, or female KGB agents). Otherwise, the only thing he’d have to worry about—when the glossy black-and-whites of him getting a rim job from some gorgeous blonde showed up at his agency—is tearing his rotator cuff high-fiving everybody.

  If the honey is a broody, flaxen-haired twink—with soulful eyes, the slightest hint of downy blond fuzz on his lower back, and an ass that would’ve made Lord Byron chew his own lips off—that’s usually enough right there. You don’t even need to go to the trouble of making glossy black-and-whites: the (invariably British) agent will just assume that Stefan’s camera phone fell out of his pocket while he was doing poppers in a toilet stall in some club.

  The third step is coercing the enemy agent to do your bidding. Continue to do so until he is exposed as a double agent by his government and summarily executed.18

  LICENSE TO KILL

  This concept gets bandied about a great deal. But if you happen to mention it, some guy—not the highly trained intelligence agent standing next to you on the firing range as you both repeatedly ten-ring a Carlos the Jackal silhouette, just some random guy in a bar whose girlfriend is about three minutes away from going home with you—will blurt out how it’s not actually a real thing. Well, guess what, genius: not only is it a real thing, but I just realized that I forgot to renew mine. And it’s not like I don’t have thirty dollars, but that’s just totally out of line for a late fee.19

  MOLE

  Named after Morocco Mole—the loyal sidekick of intelligence-operative-slash-rodent Secret Squirrel—the mole, also known as an “agent in place,” is one of the most important aspects of counterintelligence. The mole is an intelligence operative who works—for an extended period, sometimes decades—in the clandestine service of an enemy government (e.g., the United States) but who remains loyal to his own government (e.g., the Soviet Union). I used the United States as the dupe in that example because to the best of my knowledge, we’ve never been able to slip an American mole past those sneaky Reds. Conversely, it is estimated[by whom?] that three out of five American intelligence agents are, in fact, Russian spies.

  That’s obviously hyperbole (if that word means what I think it does), but as far as moles are concerned, the USSR has been kicking America’s ass through its hat ever since WWII, In fact, the United States has only been able to successfully mount one mole operation in the past fifty years, which was Donnie Brasco. And which doesn’t really count, because it was against Italy.

  MOSCOW RULES

  I don’t know what this is.

  UNARMED COMBAT

  As Sterling Archer, the world’s greatest secret agent, I am all too frequently required to defend my physical person-body from all kinds of various attackers and/or assailants. From the KGB to cuckolded husbands, I’ve been in physical altercations with just about everything on two legs.20 Luckily for me, I have a veritable slew of arrows in my self-defense quiver. Not including actual arrows, which technically belong in the section on ranged weapons.21

  But back to the quiver-slew: I have trained—or was supposed to have trained, but then it turned out the classes were just crazy-early in the morning—in numerous deadly martial arts. These trainings are as follows, in no particular order, Well, other than alphabetical. Turns out.22

  AIKIDO

  Japanese, I think. Maybe something to do with bamboo swords? No idea. This was one of those crazy-early-in-the-morning ones. Sensei guy was a dick. Did not train in this discipline.

  BOXING

  While I never trained as a boxer (mainly because it’s not very practical for life-or-death situations), boxing is nonetheless an important part of my life: I like to get out to Vegas at least once a year for a heavyweight title bout. Because that’s basically like the Oscars for hookers.

  CAPOEIRA

  Brazilian martial art combining hand-to-hand combat with music and dance. Seriously. It’s essentially “samba krumping.” I don’t get it, didn’t train in it, but it makes me wonder: who could make a street fight sexier than the Brazilians? Answer: some other, even sexier Brazilians.

  GATKA

  A Sikh martial art which uses swords, lances, javelins, bows and arrows, and something called a bagh nakh, which is what I imagine would happen if Freddy Krueger and some brass knuckles had a baby. Did not train in this discipline. Because I’ll just say it: I was kinda scared.

  HAPKIDO

  I could not (well, chose not to) attend hapkido training, but I think Steven Seagal holds a ham-flavored belt in it. So if you ever need to fight Marlon Brando’s fatter, more ponytailed doppelgänger, just call Steven Seagal and ask him how he would go about it. I just assume he would eat his opponent, while growling: “Om nom nom, I was in the CIA, nom nom nom…”

  JUDO

  Judo can be (and apparently usually is) translated as “the gentle way” or “the way of gentleness.” Developed in Japan by a Japanese guy named Dr. Kanō Jigorō in the mid-to late-eleventh century BC,23 judo relies on the principle of using an opponent’s strength and/or momentum against himself. Awesome concept, right?

  Yes. If some barefoot dude comes lurching at you in slow-motion wearing loose-fitting pajamas. Which, even though it’s probably happened to me a dozen times (cuckolded husbands, above), doesn’t mean they should build an entire martial art around it. Most of the time you can stop those guys dead in their tracks by just reminding them whose fault the whole situation really is: Did I make you spend so much time at the office? Did I make you play three rounds of golf last weekend? Answer: No, I didn’t. I was too busy pinning your wife’s ankles to her ears.

  KARATE

  I have not actually trained in karate, which I’ve often been quoted as calling “the Dane Cook of martial arts.” However, I believe that Dane Cook has since become the Dane Cook of comparisons, so that now the joke has lost all meaning.24

  KRAV MAGA

  Krav Maga is Hebrew25 for “Beat the shit out of it. Literally, until it shits.” It
’s also where I hang my self-defense hat. Which in this case is a yarmulke, because Krav Maga was developed in 1930s Czechoslovakia by a Jewish guy named Imi Lichtenfeld, who taught it to other Jews so that they could defend themselves against attacks by their anti-Semitic neighbors, When Israel achieved statehood in 1948, Lichtenfeld taught Krav Maga to the Israeli Defense Forces so that Israel could defend itself against attacks by its anti-Semitic neighbors.26

  And I won’t digress into geopolitics or religion or ideology (mainly because I don’t care what you think about any of those things—or anything else, for that matter). But when it comes to fighting, who better to learn from than a people who have been beset, on all sides and for millions of years, by enemies who want nothing more than their complete and utter annihilation?

  Answer: the Jews.27

  KUNG FU

  The way I heard it, Bruce Lee took this idea to so he could star in it. But they totally screwed him. And you know, not to take anything away from David Carradine, but still.

  MUAY THAI

  Thailand’s national sport, Muay Thai, is a truly devastating form of kickboxing which utilizes not only the fists and feet, but also the knees and elbows. It is also another discipline in which I have not been trained, but on which I do like to gamble. Not unlike jai alai. ¡Vaya!

  SAVATE

  I never trained in this discipline, but savate is French for “face kick.” And while the French have a reputation for being effeminate, beret-wearing cheese-nibblers, I think this is unfair, Because they also have a reputation for having the French Foreign Legion. So the next time you’re feeling adventurous, walk into a bar in Algiers and call a Legionnaire a putain de merde. Then walk outside and feel around in the sand with your hands, trying to find your head.

  ARCHER BY THE NUMBERS: UNARMED COMBAT

  • Pounds per square inch needed to break a human collarbone (adult): 7

  • Pounds per square inch needed to break a human collarbone (child): 11

  (That’s as far as I got because I read that statistic and got freaked out that someone actually researched that. And then I started thinking about why it takes more pounds of pressure to break a kid’s collarbone, and all I can figure is it’s because they’re shorter. The collarbones, not the kids. Although I assume the test kids were also pretty short.)

  WEAPONRY

  As we learned in the section on unarmed combat, my entire body is essentially a weapon. I have killed men with my bare hands. I have killed a man with my bare feet. I have killed a man, albeit accidentally, with my bare knee. But as any secret agent worth his single-malt will tell you, the best way to keep a knife sharp is to not use it. Which was supposed to be a clever segue into the section on bladed weapons (below), but I guess now I have to explain what I meant by that, which is this: whenever possible, avoid unarmed combat. Because there’s no sense breaking your hand on an enemy’s head when you can just put a bullet in it. In fact, while you’re at it, go ahead and double-tap that poor bastard: it’s not like there’s a bullet shortage.28

  BLADED WEAPONS

  I normally don’t carry a knife, for two reasons. One: this may sound fussy, but I don’t care for the way they affect the fall of my suit jacket. Two: God invented silencers for a reason.

  If I feel that I need to carry a knife on a mission—which, again, is exceedingly rarely—it will, and can only, be a Fairbairn-Sykes Fighting Knife.

  And say what you will about the British secret services (they’re pussies, etc.), they know how to make a knife. I like the Fairbairn-Sykes for its proven ability to penetrate an enemy’s ribcage with minimal effort. And also for its heavy steel pommel, which is excellent for cracking open walnuts. If I’m ever in a forest or something.

  Swords, especially samurai and/or ninja ones, are exceptionally cool. However, their use is of limited practical value to the secret agent, especially given the fact that somebody invented gunpowder about a million years ago. I have not trained in fencing (or vaginal hygiene), so if I am forced to use a sword in combat, I just swing it around like a baseball bat while screaming, at the top of my lungs: “There can be only one!” Which, if done correctly, is surprisingly effective.

  After seeing the (shamefully Academy-snubbed) film Road House, I was intrigued by the idea of having a razor-sharp blade built into one of my handcrafted Italian shoes. I asked my Italian cordwainer29—Antonio Carbone of Casa di Scarpe Carbone—if it would be possible to have this done the next time he was resoling a pair of balmorals for me. Well, you would’ve thought I asked him if he could slap some bigger tits on la Vergine Maria and, while he was at it, maybe give her a little more cuscino for the spingendo. I’ve never seen a man so indignant in my life (a woman yes, but never a man). And although I’ve apologized repeatedly and profusely and Antonio says he’s forgiven me, I can tell he thinks a little bit less of me. As a human being.

  HANDGUNS

  Go German or go home.

  And yes, I know: they’re a horrible people. But they also make excellent firearms. And while I’m sure many of you are of the opinion that one should always buy American, you’re stupid. Because even though the Colt .45 ACP M1911A is an excellent sidearm-the design of which has remained almost totally unchanged since before WWI-it utterly ruins the lines of my suits. And I personally am not willing to sacrifice style for a teeny little bit of extra stopping power.

  Which is why my service weapon is the Walther PPK, Chambered for the .32 ACP cartridge, my Walther has a magazine capacity of seven rounds, plus one in the chamber. And if whatever you’re shooting doesn’t die after you pump eight thirty-two-caliber slugs into it, it’s probably a dragon.

  While I am extremely fond of my Walther PPK (and if the good folks at Carl Walther GmbH Sportwaffen are reading this book and wish to contact me about becoming a corporate sponsor, I would be open to that), I usually carry a backup weapon, Which is also a Walther.30 This weapon is an ultracompact, semiautomatic Walther TPH—chambered in .22 LR31 and with a magazine capacity of six rounds, plus one in the chamber—which I keep in my underwear.

  ASSAULT WEAPONS

  Again, there’s a reason why the Third Reich, at its peak, stretched from Leningrad to London: the Germans make good guns. And yes, I know the Nazis lost WWII. I get the paper, But they lost because all the Wehrmacht officers were constantly being rotated off the front lines so they could return to Germany to have their uniforms altered—in a futile attempt to keep up with the constantly changing fashion trends of an unwinnable, two-front war—by Hugo Boss.32

  They did not lose because their assault weapons weren’t awesome. So for my money (which is not actually my own personal money), when I need an assault weapon, I reach for either the MP 40 or the StG 44. And yes, it’s a little creepy at first. But you get over it. Mainly because firing 550 rounds a minute out of either of these weapons gives you a gigantic boner.

  My personal preference for German assault weapons notwithstanding, I would be remiss if I failed to mention that regime-toppling workhorse, the AK-47 (or its Chinese variant, the Type 56). Designed by Mikhail Kalashnikov in 1947, the AK-47 has a well-deserved reputation for being an exceptionally reliable weapon. It will perform under even the harshest conditions: you can get an AK-47 wet, you can get an AK-47 dirty—hell, you can drag it through a cranberry bog—and you will still be able to fire it accurately. But, while doing so, you will look like a rapper.

  I should also take a moment to mention the Uzi. Which, in addition to being an accurate and reliable subcompact assault weapon with both a high muzzle velocity and an extremely high rate of fire, is yet another reason not to mess with the Jews.

  FLARE GUN

  While the flare gun—also known as a Very pistol—was originally designed for use as a signaling device, you can also use it to shoot people. People who then catch on fire.

  EXPLOSIVES

  No. I consider them sloppy.

  OTHER WEAPONS

  I could basically just start typing a list of nouns. Because if you h
ave been trained properly, anything can be used as a weapon. Take my finely crafted Walther PPK, for example: at some point it will run out of bullets.33 But when it does, guess what: it weighs twenty-three ounces.34 Now guess what else weighs about twenty-three ounces. I’ll tell you: a framing hammer. Now guess what you wouldn’t want to get smashed in the teeth with. I’ll tell you: either of those.

  And so, just look around. Chances are that within five feet of you, there are at least three items—not including your bare, muscular hands—that you could use to kill a person: your keys, a brassiere, an empty jeroboam of champagne, a billiard ball, an ivory-handled shoehorn, a stiletto heel, another empty jeroboam of champagne, a double-ended glass dildo, an entire set of barbecue tools… See? And that’s just me looking at the stuff lying on or around my bed.

  The point is, almost anything can be used as a weapon, And, as with many things in life, the only limit is your imagination: I once killed a guy with a gorgeous Raymor ashtray.35

  ARCHER FUN FACT: WEAPONS

  In the fourteenth century, the Ming Dynasty had a weapon called a Nest of Bees. It was a large tube filled with about three dozen rocket-propelled arrows. I bet you thought I was going to say “rocket-propelled bees,” but no, it was just arrows. (Just arrows! LOL!!!)

  GADGETS

  I don’t care for this term. I feel it debases the professionalism of intelligence operatives, who are the bravest, most selfless public servants in the world and who put their very lives at risk every single day to keep freedom-loving peoples safe from tyranny and oppression. Also, it’s very nearly impossible to use the term gadget without preceding it with the word nifty.

  But I can’t think of a better term. For a while I tried getting people to say spechnology (a clever portmanteau of “spy” and “technology”), but I couldn’t get anybody to get on board for the big win. Anyway, as an ISIS agent I have access to a dizzying array of spechnological aids. Our in-house scientist, Dr. Algernop36 Krieger, is constantly either inventing or improving devices with which to stun, kill, bedazzle, set on fire, confuse, or otherwise incapacitate enemy agents: