“My little girl keeps whining for attention or to be picked up. It’s really aggravating and, what’s worse, she has no excuse whatsoever! I have enough to do as it is. So when I’m fed up now, it’s off to bed with her.”
Juliette’s mom, 26th week
How Your Baby’s New Skills Emerge
At about 26 weeks, you’ll discover that your baby is again trying to learn one or more new skills. This is the age at which babies will generally begin to explore the world of relationships. This world offers her many opportunities to develop skills that depend upon understanding the relationships among objects, people, sounds, and feelings. Your baby, depending on her own temperament, inclinations, preferences, and physical makeup, will focus on the sorts of relationships that appeal to her the most. She will use this understanding to develop the skills best suited to her personally. You can help her best by encouraging her to do what she is ready to do, rather than trying to push her in directions that don’t interest her. This will be increasingly hard to do, anyway, as her personality begins to emerge and her own ideas start to dominate.
“I keep seeing this pattern of a difficult, sometimes extremely trying period that peaks at the end, and is then followed by a peaceful stage. Every time I think I can’t take it anymore, my little boy changes course and suddenly does all these new things.”
Bob’s mom, 26th week
My Diary
How My Baby Explores the New World of Relationships
The world of relationships opens up so many possibilities that your baby could not explore them all, even if she wanted to. What aspects of this world she will explore depend entirely on what sort of child she is growing up to be and what her talents are. A very physical baby will use the distance perception to improve balance and to crawl after you if she is able. The watching-listening baby will find plenty to occupy her as she tries to figure out just how this world works. As you read the following list of possibilities, check off the ones that apply to your baby just now. You might want to do this two or three times before the next leap happens, since not all of the skills your baby will develop are going to appear at once. In fact, some won’t appear at all until much later.
BALANCE
Sits up by herself from lying down
Stands up by herself; pulls herself up
Sits down again by herself after standing
Stands without support
Walks with support
Makes a jumping movement without leaving the ground
Grabs a toy from an overhead shelf or table
* * *
BODY CONTROL
Walks around the edge of the crib, table, or playpen while holding on
Walks around, pushing a box in front of her
Lunges from one piece of furniture to another
Crawls inside or under things, such as chairs and boxes
Crawls back and forth over small steps
Crawls in and out of rooms
Crawls around the table
Bends over or lies flat on her stomach to get something from under the couch or chair
* * *
GRABBING, TOUCHING, AND FEELING
Opposes her thumb and index finger to grasp small objects
Can play with something using both hands
Lifts a rug to look under it
Holds a toy upside down to hear sound inside
Rolls a ball across the floor
Invariably grabs a ball rolled toward her
Knocks over wastepaper basket to empty out its contents
Throws things away
Puts toys in and next to a basket, in and out of a box, or under and on a chair, or pushes them out of the playpen
Tries to fit one toy inside another
Tries prying something out of a toy, like a bell’s clapper
Pulls own socks off
Pries your shoelaces loose
Empties cupboards and shelves
Drops objects from high chair to test how something falls
Puts food in the mouth of the dog, mommy, or daddy
Pushes doors closed
* * *
WATCHING
Observes adult activities, such as putting things into, on, or through something
Looks from one animal to another in different picture books
Looks from one person to another in different photographs
Looks from one toy, object, or food to another in her hands
Observes the movements of an animal, particularly when it’s unusual, such as a dog pattering across a wooden floor
Observes the movements of a person behaving unusually, such as daddy standing on his head
Explores own body—particularly the penis or vagina
Pays a lot of attention to smaller details or parts of toys and other objects, such as labels on towels
Selects a book to look at
Selects a toy to play with
* * *
LISTENING
Makes connections between actions and words; comprehends short commands, such as “no, don’t do that” and “come on, let’s go”
Listens to explanations intently and seems to understand
Likes to hear animal sounds when looking at animal pictures
Listens intently to voices on the telephone
Pays attention to sounds that are related to a certain activity, such as chopping vegetables. Listens to sounds she makes herself, such as splashing bathwater
* * *
TALKING
Understands the link between actions and words. Says her first words in the correct context. For instance, says oo (for “oops”) when she falls and a-choo when you sneeze
Puffs and blows
* * *
MOTHER-BABY DISTANCE
Protests when her mommy walks away
Crawls after her mommy
Repeatedly makes contact with her mommy although busy playing on her own
* * *
MIMICKING GESTURES
Imitates waving good-bye
Claps her hands on request
Mimics clicking with her tongue
Mimics shaking and nodding her head, although often only nods with her eyes
* * *
MISCELLANEOUS
Dances to the sound of music (sways her tummy)
* * *
OTHER CHANGES YOU NOTICE
* * *
* * *
For the first time, your baby can perceive all kinds of relationships and act on them. He can now discover that there is always a physical distance between two objects or two people. And of course, his distance from you is one of the first things he will notice and react to. While observing this phenomenon, he discovers that you can increase the distance too much for his liking, and it dawns on him that he cannot do anything about it. Now he knows that he has lost control over that distance, and he gets frightened. So he will start to cry.
“We have a problem. My girl doesn’t want to be put in her playpen any more. Her lips start to tremble if I even hover her anywhere above it. If I put her in it, she starts screaming. It’s fine, though, if I put her on the floor, just outside of the ‘cage.’ Immediately, she rolls, swivels, and squirms in my direction.”
Nina’s mom, 25th week
The juxtaposition of objects comes as a real revelation to your baby when the idea first dawns. He begins to understand that something can be inside, outside, on top, above, next to, underneath or in between something else. He will love to toy with these notions.
“All day long, my son takes toys out of his toy box and puts them back in again. Sometimes, he’ll toss everything over the side of the playpen. Another time, he’ll carefully fit each item through the bars. He clears cupboards and shelves and is thrilled by pouring water from bottles and containers into the tub. But the best thing yet was while I was feeding him. He let go of my nipple, studied it with a serious look on his face, shook my breast up and down, sucked once, took another look, and continued this way fo
r a while. He’s never done this before. It’s as if he was trying to figure out how anything could come from there.”
Matt’s mom, 30th week
Next, your baby can begin to understand that he can cause certain things to happen. For example, he can flip a switch that causes music to play or a light to come on. He becomes attracted to objects such as stereo equipment, television sets, remote controls, light switches, and toy pianos.
He can now start to comprehend that people, objects, sounds, or situations can be related to each other. Or that a sound is related to an object or a particular situation. He knows, for example, that bustling in the kitchen means that someone is preparing his dinner, the key in the front door means “daddy’s home,” the dog has its own food and toys, and mommy and daddy and he belong together. Your baby’s understanding of “family” won’t be anywhere near as sophisticated as your own, but he does have his own understanding of what it means to belong together.
Next, your baby can begin to understand that animals and people coordinate their movements. Even if two people are walking separately, he still notices that they are taking each other’s movements into consideration. That is a “relationship” as well. He can also tell when something goes wrong. If you drop something, let out a yell, and bend down quickly to catch it, if two people accidentally bump into each other, or if the dog falls off the couch, he understands that it is out of the ordinary. Some babies find this highly amusing; others are scared out of their wits. And still others become curious or take it very seriously. After all, it is something that is not meant to happen. Each brand-new observation or skill can, for that matter, make your baby feel wary until these things prove themselves harmless.
“I’ve noticed my son is scared of the slicing machine at the bakery. As soon as the bread goes into it, he glances at me as if to ask, ‘Are you sure that it’s okay?’ Then he looks frightened, then he looks at me, then frightened again, then at me again. After a while, he calms down.”
Paul’s mom, 29th week
Your baby may also begin to discover that he can coordinate the movements of his body, limbs, and hands and that they work together as one. Once he understands this, he can learn to crawl more efficiently. Or he may try to sit up by himself or pull himself up to stand and sit down again. Some babies now take their first steps with a little help. And the exceptional baby will even do it without help, just before the next leap begins. All this physical exercise can also be frightening to a baby. He fully realizes that he could be losing control over his body. He still needs to learn how to keep his balance. And keeping one’s balance has a lot to do with being familiar with the idea of distances.
When your baby starts to be active in the world of relationships, he will do it in his unique way. He will use the skills and concepts that he has acquired from previous leaps in his mental development. So he will only be able to perceive and experiment with relationships that involve things he already understands—things he has learned from the worlds of patterns, smooth transitions, and events.
Your Baby’s Choices: A Key to His Personality
Between 26 and 34 weeks, you can discover what your baby likes best in the world of relationships. Take a good look at what your baby is doing. Use the “My Diary” list to help you determine where his interests lie, and respect your aby’s choices. It’s only natural to make comparisons with other mothers’ observations of their babies, but don’t expect all babies to be the same. The only thing you can be certain of is that they won’t be!
Keep in mind that babies love anything new. Whenever you notice your baby showing any new skills or interests, be sure to respond. Your baby will enjoy it if you share these new discoveries. Your interest will help his learning progress more quickly. That’s just how babies are.
Every baby needs time, support, and lots of opportunities to practice and experiment with new skills. You can help her by encouraging her when she succeeds and comforting her when she fails (by her own baby standards). If she persists too long in trying something she’s not able to master yet, you may be able to distract her by coming up with something she can do.
Most of your activities as an adult are firmly rooted in the world of relationships—loading the car, getting dressed, putting cards in envelopes, holding a conversation, following an exercise video, to name a few. Let your baby watch these and join in where she can. Let her share your experience of sights, sounds, sensations, smells, and tastes whenever she wants to. You are still her guide in this complex world.
Always keep in mind that she will almost certainly be specializing in some kinds of activities at the expense of others. It really doesn’t matter whether your baby learns about relationships from the watching or listening areas only. Later on, she will quickly and easily be able to put this understanding to use in other areas.
Show Her That You Are Not Deserting Her
In the world of relationships, almost every baby begins to realize at this time that her mommy can increase the distance between them and can walk away and leave her. Previously, her eyes could see it, but she didn’t grasp the full meaning of leaving. Now that she does, it poses a problem. She gets frightened when it hits her that her mommy is unpredictable and beyond her control—she can leave her behind at any time! Even if she’s already crawling, Mommy can easily outdistance her. She feels she has no control over the distance between herself and her mother, and this makes her feel helpless. It’s hard to accept at first that this state of affairs is progress, but it is a clear sign of a mental leap forward. Your baby has to learn how to deal with this development and make it a part of her new world so that it is no longer frightening. Your task is to help her achieve this. It takes understanding, compassion, practice, and above all, time.
If your baby shows fear, accept that fear. She will soon realize that there is nothing to be afraid of, since her mother is not deserting him. Generally, babies panic the most around 29 weeks. Then it improves somewhat, until the next leap begins.
“My son has his moods when he screams until he’s picked up. When I do, he’ll laugh, utterly pleased with himself.”
Frankie’s mom, 31st week
“Everything’s fine as long as my daughter can see me. If not, she starts crying out in fear.”
Eve’s mom, 29th week
“My little girl had been with the babysitter, as is usual. She wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t sleep, wouldn’t do anything. Just cried and cried. I’ve never seen anything like it with her. I feel guilty leaving her behind like that. I’m considering working shorter hours, but I don’t know how to arrange it.”
Laura’s mom, 28th week
“If my daughter even suspects I’ll be setting her down on the floor to play, she starts to whine and cling with intense passion. So now, I carry her around on my hip all day long. She has also stopped smiling the way she used to. Just last week, she had a smile for everyone. Now it’s definitely less. She’s been through this once before, but in the past she’d always end up with a tiny grin on her face. Now, it’s out of the question.”
Nina’s mom, 29th week
“This was a week of torment. So many tears. Five minutes on his own was already too much for my guy. If I so much as stepped out of the room, there’d be a crying fit. I’ve had him in the infant carrier a lot. But at bedtime, all hell would break loose. After 3 days, I was beat. It was too much. I started feeling extremely angry. It looked like it was starting to become a vicious circle. I was really pushing myself, feeling lonely and completely exhausted. I kept breaking things, too—they would just drop from my hands. That’s when I took him to the day care center for the first time. Just so I could catch my breath. But it didn’t work out, so I quickly went to get him. I felt really bad about dumping him somewhere, while at the same time, I had given it a lot of thought and felt it was the best solution. I push myself too far too often, and it only makes me feel lonely, aggressive, and confined. I also keep wondering whether it’s me, whether I’m to blame for being inconsist
ent or for spoiling him too much.”
Bob’s mom, 29th week
To ease your baby’s anxiety, make sure she feels you near her in case she really needs you. Give her the opportunity to grow accustomed to the new situation at her own pace. You can help her by carrying her more often or staying a bit closer to her. Give her some warning before you walk away, and keep talking to her while you walk away and when you’re in the other room. This way, she will learn that you are still there, even if she can’t see you anymore. You can also practice “leaving” by playing peek-aboo games. For example, you can hide behind a newspaper while sitting next to your baby, then you can hide behind the couch close to your baby, then behind the cupboard a little farther away, and finally behind the door.
If your baby is already a little mobile, you can reassure her on the question of desertion by helping her to follow you. Try first telling her you are leaving—this way, your baby will learn that she does not have to keep an eye on you, that she can continue to play at ease. Then slowly walk away, so that she can follow you. Always adjust your pace to your baby’s. Soon, your baby will learn that she can control the distance between the two of you. She will also come to trust you not to disappear when you have to get something from another room, and she won’t bother you as much.
The Wonder Weeks Page 15
