With all these choices, it dawns on your toddler that she, too, can manage, just like mom, dad and everyone else. She becomes possessive as well. She doesn’t readily share her toys, especially not with other children. She now counts as a person. She is queen of her own world. Her own will is on overtime. One moment she decides to place a full cup on the table carefully and the next she lets the cup fall down and spills the contents. One moment she tries to get a cookie off her mother with kisses and caresses. The next moment she opts for a less subtle approach. And mom has no idea that she is after a cookie! Your toddler is full of surprises. By using her whole arsenal and by studying your and others’ reactions, your tyke discovers that the various strategies she employs give different results. So, your toddler discovers when she can best be friendly, helpful, aggressive, assertive, careful or polite. And that’s not all. Your child thinks up some of the strategies herself, others she imitates: “Oh, that kid hit his mother, should I try that?” Your toddler wanders around in the world of principles and really needs mom and others in her learning process.
We adults already have years of experience in the world of principles. By trial and error we have become skilled in this world. We know for example what justice, kindness, humanity, helpfulness, ingenuity, moderation, thriftiness, trust, frugality, caution, cooperation, care, empowerment, assertiveness, patience and caring mean to us. We know what it means to be considerate of others, to be efficient, to cooperate, to be loving, respectful and we know how to put others at easy. Yet we don’t all interpret these principles in the same way. We know, for instance, that it is polite to shake hands when we introduce ourselves—that is, in our culture. However, in England, a handshake is not expected; there, a nod and a greeting is sufficient. And in Tanzania, both hands are expected; one hand is just a half-offering. We fulfill our principles according to our personality, family and the culture in which we have grown up.
In general, you could say that when pursuing a certain goal, a principle is a common strategy that we use without having to go through all the specific steps one-by-one. The previous examples are mainly moral principles, which deal with standards and values. But there are other types of principles that concern the way we do things. For example, there are the strategies you use when playing a board game. Another example is that when planning a weekend trip you plan for enough time to sleep. Yet another example is the principle that when writing an article, you must take into account your intended audience. Or the principle of keeping dual accounting, or the development of a musical “theme.” Then there are the laws of nature that dictate how things move, chemical equations describing how complex matter is built up by simple elements, or the geology that describes the movements of the earth’s crust. All these belong to what we call the world of principles.
Your toddler is naturally nowhere near being ready for such adult applications of principles, such as strategy in chess, laws of nature or grown-up standards or norms. Those are all very big words that we don’t usually associate with toddlers. But in her own rudimentary way, your tyke gets started in the world of principles. She has already devised strategies to be able to stay up longer! And some toddlers spend all day playing with toy cars, watching them descend an incline.
There can be stark differences with the way in which an adult sorts out a principle in practice. We constantly ready ourselves for the changing conditions that present themselves. Thus we are not always patient, careful or thrifty, and as caring, careful and respectful towards everyone in the same way. That wouldn’t be prudent. Sometimes for instance we find it less important to be open with someone, other times we find it more important to take into account another’s situation or age. Suppose your spouse and your toddler both give you a drawing of an ape and look at you full of expectation. You will most likely be more honest with your spouse. You might even tell him that he should stick to his day job. But you praise the little scribbler for her effort. Even if you can’t tell what it is, you say that this is the most charming ape you’ve ever seen. And as a show of appreciation, you put the ape up on the fridge. Without even thinking about it, you took the maker’s age into account. It would not have been beneficial if you had been forthcoming with your toddler. You might have permanently destroyed her will to draw.
At this age your toddler can not yet prepare herself for all the various conditions. She has yet to acquire the subtleness. She is still attached to the strategies that she first learned. This is because she has just gotten her first whiff of principles and she is only able to apply them in fixed ways. Only after she has made her next leap will you notice that your child begins to become more adaptable to her surroundings. She adapts her strategy. Just like your tyke was able to grasp the programs after making her leap into the world of principles, your toddler will, after the next leap, grasp that she can choose what she wants to be: honest, friendly, helpful, careful, patient, resourceful, efficient, just, caring or frugal. And that she can choose not to be any or all of those. She begins to understand that she can pay attention to grandpa, or that she doesn’t have to. That she can comfort a friend, or choose not to. Or, that she can treat the dog gently, or she can be rough. That she can be polite to the neighbor and cooperate with mom, or not...
“Nora snuck off! Grandma was cooking and she was playing sweetly with her doll and things. Slowly she expanded the bounds of her territory to the hall. But she was not planning on stopping there. She must have closed the hall door very quietly and with the same skill opened the front door. Grandma found it all too quiet in the hall. She looked around and the closed door made her fear the worst. She ran outside before knowing what to do. Two streets down she saw her. She was running like a rabbit behind her buggy with her baby doll into the wide world, far away from Grandma’s house. When she saw Grandma, she was very startled and began a loud protest: ‘Nora doesn’t like this! Nora doesn’t like this!’ She wanted to continue on wandering on her own. She couldn’t stand getting caught. From now on Grandma’s front door will be locked.”
Nora’s mom, 87th week, or 20 months
“She has been wanting to give the bathroom a good going over, but had yet to succeed. All of a sudden she found a solution for her cleaning urge. Suddenly, we heard the door to bathroom lock and this enormous cleaning sound emerged from the smallest room. There was scrubbing, flushing and waist bins rattling. A flush, and another and another. The splashing of water brought the whole family knocking and calling at the door. But however grandpa, grandma and I begged, the door remained locked with the continuing sound of cleaning from inside. Slowly some water seeped under the door. But the door stayed shut. Some twenty minutes later the door opened and out came the little cleaning lady. Soaking wet, proud and satisfied: ‘All done,’ she said and walked away. Everything was wet—the walls, the commode, the floor. The rolls of toilet paper lay in the toilet and sheets of toilet paper were stuck on the wall. And on the floor lay a pan, a brush and a towel. She had prepared well for the job.”
Angela’s mom, 92nd week, or 21 months
Brain Changes
From U.S. research on 408 identical twins it was concluded that around 14 months of age there was clear hereditary influence upon mental development. The development concerned both non-verbal skills as well as speech comprehension.
Your Toddler’s Choices: A Key to His Personality
All toddlers have been given the ability to perceive and uphold principles. They need years in order to completely familiarize themselves with the wide range of new skills to play with, but as toddlers they take their first tender steps in the world of principles.
At this age for example your toddler chooses how he will go about things: carefully or recklessly. He chooses whether or not to pay heed to mother or to try to get his way with a fit of obstinacy. In short, he chooses which strategy he will use to reach the goal he set for himself. And like every other toddler, first he chooses that which best suits his talent, mobility, preferences and his particular circumstances. Th
e very first choices become apparent when he is 64 weeks or almost 15 months old. Don’t compare your child with other toddlers. Each child is unique and will choose differently.
Take a good look at your toddler. Establish what his interests are. Use the list in My Diary on pages 332-333 to mark or highlight what your child selects. You may also have a look for yourself to see if there are some principles that you think your child could use or learn. Stop marking when your child begins with the next leap. That is usually when he is 71 weeks old, or 16½ months.
In the world of principles your toddler will discover that there are several ways to accomplish a goal. All the strategies he can utilize: “Should I do it carefully, recklessly, pushy or sweetly? Or should I try a prank?” Your tyke is becoming more resourceful. He owes this to the fact that he is quickly growing sharper in all areas. He begins walking more adeptly and is able to quickly make his way. He understands you better and can sometimes answer back. He practices playing with his emotions and not always around you. He can think ahead and knows that his person counts, too. He is increasingly better at eating and drinking, with cleaning up, building towers, putting things together, pushing and kicking other kids. His throwing aim has improved, as have other things. Everything comes more naturally to him in the coming weeks. And, he will continue to use new strategies to get to his objective. Of course, not every strategy your child thinks up achieves its desired effect. That requires time and practice. By trying, your toddler realizes that various strategies bring different results. Some are a smashing success, others the converse and most are just so-so.
Toddlers are like this
Anything new to him, your toddler likes the most. Therefore, always react especially to new skills and interests your toddler shows. In that way he learns more pleasantly, easier, quicker and more.
My diary
How My Baby Explores the New World of Principles
EXERCISING HER OWN WILL
Chooses consciously
Takes initiative
Wants a say if others do something
Feels more need to belong, to be accepted
Possessive with toys
What I have noticed otherwise:____________
* * *
COPYING AND IMITATING
Observes grownups
Observes other children
Imitates sweet behavior
Imitates aggressive behavior
Imitates overt physical actions, like somersault, climbing
Imitates subtle motor skills, like holding a pencil
Imitates “oddities,” like limping, walking like a hunchback
Imitates what he sees on TV or in a book
What I have noticed otherwise:__________
* * *
PRACTICING STRATEGIES, EXPLORING THE LIMITS AND BECOMING RESOURCEFUL
Experiments with motor skills
Experiments with stashing and recovering objects
Experiments with crawling in or behind something and getting out again
Experiments with manipulating things with caution and care
Experiments with making choices: what shall I choose?
Experiments with the meaning of “Yes” and “No”
Experiments with fooling mom; acts like he is disobedient
Experiments with ramps and rises; feels with his finger and studies them or runs his cars up and down them
What I have noticed otherwise:_____
* * *
IMPLEMENTING STRATEGIES AND TACTICS
Is helpful (more often) or tries to be so
Is obedient (more often) or does his best to be so
I s (more often) careful and caring or tries to be so
Accepts (more often) that he is still small, requires help and therefore must obey. Grasps for instance that streets are dangerous and he therefore must walk hand and hand
Makes fun to get something or to get others to do something
Is (more often) extra sweet to get his way
Tries (more often) to get his way by being pushy
Shows (more often) his feelings in a fit of obstinacy
Does (more often) what he feels like, goes his own way
Makes use of others to get something done he otherwise was unable and that mom disapproved of; for instance, “perhaps dad will give me a cookie?”
What I have noticed otherwise:________
* * *
OTHER CHANGES YOU NOTICE
Give your child the opportunity to experiment with all sorts of strategies, testing them out and reflecting on them. He will learn to behave in certain situations only by being resourceful, by gauging your reaction and through lots of practice.
Skillfulness
Physical antics
When your toddler is trying to make his way in the world of principles, he will also want to know what his little body is capable of—in other words, how to use his body when he wants to be quick, slow, careful, funny or clever. Your little one will be experimenting with his body. He tests its capabilities. Which stunts can my body do? Can I fit between there? How do I climb the stairs? How do I go down? How do I go down the slide? Is that a good spot to lie between the toys and furniture? How strong am I? In short, your tyke is getting resourceful with his body. He sometimes appears reckless, which frightens mom.
“She goes upright up and down a step. She practices that the whole day through. Now I keep my eyes open for other objects of different heights so she can develop this skill.”
Hannah’s mom, 67th week, or 15 months and a week
“We put a mattress on the ground so that she can jump around on it. She loves galloping over it; she dives on the mattress and tries a somersault. She keeps testing how far she can go on the soft surface.”
Josie’s mom, 66th week, or 15 months
“Thomas likes to stay on the couch the whole day. He climbs up the back rest using the wall to get up.”
Thomas’ mom, 66th week, or 15 months
“Every day he discovers new games. He has found a small tunnel behind his bed and chest of drawers and loves going back and forth behind them. He slides under the couch and studies how far he can go before he gets stuck. And he gets a kick sliding around the room on his knees instead of using his feet.”
Matt’s mom, 70th week, or 16 months
“She practices different ways of walking. Walking backwards, turning circles, fast walking, walking slowly. She is very studious about all these tricks.”
Eve’s mom, 64th week, or 14½ months
“She lies in and on everything: in the doll’s bath, in the doll’s bed and on the cushions spread on the floor.”
Ashley’s mom, 64th week, or 14½ months
“He laughs as he rolls himself in the curtains.”
Matt’s mom, 69th week, or approaching 16 months
“All of the sudden he is picking up chairs and benches.”
Kevin’s mom, 70th week, or 16 months
Getting acquainted with the outdoors
Many toddlers enjoy browsing around outside. They look like they’re just fumbling about, but in fact they are surveying the area. This is not saying that they don’t need mother: they do! Many question endlessly about everything: what is this and what is that called. And all children absorb what you say and what they see with the utmost concentration.
“She was startled when she walked through a puddle and got wet. She walked back to look at and investigate the puddle.”
Ashley’s mom, 64th week, or 14½ months
“He finds it interesting to splash through the puddles. It really pleases him.”
Matt’s mom, 71st week, or 16 months and a week
“She stood eye-to-eye with a real live cow and was really at a loss. This was at the children’s zoo. She wasn’t ready to pet the animal yet. Even when she was in daddy’s arms. On the way home she was quiet as she mulled it over. That was the impression left on her by the living version of the cow from the book.”
Victoria’s mom, 61s
tweek, or 14 months
Getting skillful with things
Your child will become ever more resourceful with games and objects in the world of principles. He only eats properly if he can feed himself. Helping when it’s not wanted could result in everything ending up on the floor. He manages quite well building things or with his game of rings and puzzles. But beware! He tries to open the faucet, bottles and jars with twist-off lids on a regular basis. Your toddler is above all interested in testing which of the strategies works best when he needs it. He contemplates and experiments. What will happen if I drop the key chain behind the cabinet? What if I put it under the bed? And what will happen with the key chain if I let it slide down between the couch and the wall? And how will I make it reappear? And if I am unable to reach it, can I get to it with a pole? In short, he is learning how to hide something, put something away and recover it. Later, if he is skillful enough or thinks himself to be, he will use his tricks perhaps to amuse you with a prank. He could also hide a game if, for instance, he doesn’t want one of his friends to play with it. Do watch what your tyke is up to. Put dangerous items out of reach and keep an eye on your little explorer.
“We do puzzles together. Now he likes it and participates gladly. Not that it always goes well, but it’s a start.”
Kevin’s mom, 65th week, or approaching 15 months
“Now his ring game is popular. He sees clearly if he puts the wrong ring onto the pole and says: ‘No.’ If he gets it right, then he is very proud, looks at me and expects applause.”
The Wonder Weeks Page 29
