The Todd Glass Situation

by Todd Glass

  I get what you think you’re doing. If I were on drugs there would be plenty of counselors who would tell you to turn me away just like you’ve done now. They would tell you that by letting me in your house, feeding me, or giving me money, you will only be supporting my addiction. That I may need to hit rock bottom before I can really begin to change.

  But do you know why a professional therapist or counselor might make this kind of recommendation? Because of their extensive research and past results. They know it can work. And if (God forbid) I was to die from an addiction before getting better, no one would blame you for making that choice. Even if you blamed yourself, you would have plenty of professional help from people who could reassure you that you did the right thing.

  But guess what? I’m not on drugs or engaging in illegal or dangerous behavior. I’m gay. And if something was to happen to me, no one will come to your defense for cutting me out of your lives. No one will tell you that you did the best thing. That’s not an opinion; that’s a fact. Maybe some people will tell you to forgive yourself eventually but that will be a long road. You’ll have to educate yourself, learn from your mistakes, and maybe use your example as a warning to other parents in your shoes.

  But wouldn’t it be easier to just skip all that and love me for who I am for as long as I’m alive?

  I think, deep down, you know that there is nothing wrong with me; the truth is I’m different than what you were expecting and you don’t know how to deal with it. I know it’s hard for you to accept me because so many people in your social circles are telling you not to. I imagine it must be embarrassing to have a gay child when those around you still think being gay is “weird.” I can’t change. You can, but don’t want to. And that’s what hurts the most.

  I want to end this on a positive note. Like I said, it’s not too late. I don’t want to hold on to anger or any feelings of resentment. Even though some of the points in this letter might sound harsh, I love you very much and hope that you’ll learn to accept me for who I am.

  Love,

  [Fill in your name here.]

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  MOM

  Kids are usually embarrassed to discover that they get their sense of humor from their parents—especially their mothers. But as an adult I can totally see it. I am very proud to have received that from you, Mom. I think every parent wants to hear that they did a good job and I just wanted you to know that you did. As my brother Michael put it, “I like who I am because of you.”

  DAD

  Well, it wasn’t until I got older that I realized how much of you is in my fiber, Dad. I miss you. I love you. I think about you more and more often as the years go on. I just smelled your sweater yesterday. You did a good job, too.

  MY BROTHERS

  Like most families, we are not without problems, but our family drama is normal family drama. I’m not saying we take each other for granted, but we often don’t take the time to express how we feel about one another. A few years ago my brother Spencer put it perfectly when he said, “We all really like each other.” Whenever we all get together, we can count on laughing a lot—I don’t know that a lot of families can say that. So thank you, Spencer, Michael, and Corey.

  THE REST OF MY FAMILY

  Thanks to Katy and Tyler—not only are you my niece and nephew, but as you’ve gotten older, you’ve become my friends. Meryl . . . I realize that for a lot of years I might have taken you for granted, but that’s only because you fit into our family so seamlessly. You always felt like a sister to me. I love your great energy and am always excited to see you. Wendy . . . You don’t talk that much and you keep things simple. I love you for that. Erin and Sammy . . . next time I’m home I’ll take you to Target again and we’ll get Slurpees. Steve . . . You can be sillier than all of us—that is a bonus. Thanks for the rides to and from the airport, the five trips a day to Wawa with me, and for putting dimmer switches on all the lights so I’m comfortable. Little Steve . . . thanks for laughing at all my jokes. Cara . . . thanks for laughing and giggling and keeping my mom busy.

  CHRIS

  There’s so much I want to say and I don’t know where to start—it’s taken me a half hour at my desk, starting and stopping and starting and stopping again, just to get this far. I hope that, in reading this book, you know the way that I feel about you. Because of you I did and saw things that I never would have done or seen without you. It may have seemed like I complained a lot: “It’s too hot . . . I don’t want to see the Eiffel Tower.” But if you were a fly on the wall, you’d hear me talking about those trips all of the time—the family dinner in Italy, visiting your dad in Bangkok, camping in your old VW van. Then there’s your constant and never-ending belief in me and support for my career. Although our relationship may be different now, I know that our journey, our friendship, and our love for each other will continue to grow.

  CHRIS’S FAMILY

  I guess you could say with Chris I got lucky twice—once with Chris, once with his family. They knew before either of us was ready to admit our relationship and treated me like I was part of the family. I remember once hearing one of the nieces referencing me as her uncle—I’ve got to tell you, it made me melt. So thank you, Pierrette, Henry, Sam, Annalisa, Sibonne, Mike, and Stephanie!

  THE ANONYMOUS BENEFACTOR

  I already mentioned it in the book, but to the anonymous benefactor who paid for me to go to Wordsworth Academy: This was the most decent, kind, and selfless gesture that has ever been put in front of me. Even though you remain anonymous to this day, I hope you know how much it meant to me.

  STEVE YOUNG

  From the time you saw me in line to see a show and told the doorman not to charge me, you have treated me like a member of your family. Whether it was giving me spots or helping me move to L.A.—where you drove me around, something I couldn’t fathom doing myself—you took me under your wing and nurtured my comedy. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that I think about that a lot. You did so much to help me become a good comedian, from booking the great comics I got to see at your clubs to teaching me that the audience isn’t always right. These were valuable lessons I never forgot. I’m sorry I haven’t told you that enough.

  JOY LITTLE

  From the time I started working Comedy Works—I was just seventeen—you were like my comedy mom. And even though you’re gone now, I think of you always, which is not hard to do since your face is the wallpaper on my cell phone. I think about how kind you were and how great it felt to make you laugh—especially the time I got out of the car on the Schuylkill Expressway and started dancing. Watching you convulse with laughter was the best feeling in the world. You are missed.

  ANDY SCARPATI

  It started as a professional relationship and quickly grew into a friendship. And I’ve never told anyone this before, but it was a friendship that grew into love and a secret love affair. I should have stayed in Philly and married you, Andy . . . Okay, just kidding. This joke was just for you. You had such a great energy that I was always looking forward to seeing you, no matter what we did together. I love you and thank you for all the help and support early on.

  THE JONESES

  I think about your family all the time. No matter how many years have passed, I always remember what a kind thing you did for me when I was a nervous kid moving out to L.A. Being welcomed so warmly into your home helped a lot. I look back on that time with genuine fondness and appreciation. So Caroline, Randy Jr., Randy Sr., and Sue . . . What can I say? Thank you.

  THE HELFRICHES

  When the Joneses moved, Martha’s mom, Mim, invited me to stay with them—rent free—which allowed me to concentrate on doing comedy full-time. We sat on those sofas and talked and talked—you may be the only person I’ve ever met who can talk as much as me. I cherish those memories. So thank you, Mim. I miss you.

  LYNN AND TERESA SHORE

  When I came out to Lynn and Teresa a long time ago, they confessed that they’d always had a feeling. “Buddie
s don’t let each other drive their cars,” Lynn chuckled. That line made me laugh so hard I remember it to this day. You are so special to me. Our time together is precious to me. I am so lucky to have you as friends. So thank you and let’s hang out more.

  DR. DOHAD

  I’m a little embarrassed I didn’t send this to you a long time ago, but you know what they say: Better late than never. I remember lying in the hospital when you walked in for the first time, leaned down over my bed, and reassured me that I didn’t need open-heart surgery. That was the best news I had gotten that night and you made me feel at ease. Thank you for saving my life.

  PODCAST CREW

  The people that work on The Todd Glass Show with me have become my second family. So thank you, Chris Burden (you funny fuck), Katie, Mikey, Andrew, Eric, Jingle Joe, Jake Adams, Preston Smith, Aristotle, and, of course, Tom Martin and Blake Wexler. Besides stand-up comedy, doing the show is my favorite thing in the world. Thanks also to Chris Hardwick for letting me do whatever I want and never calling me with instructions.

  LINDA WASDEN

  You’re like the best aunt in the world. When this is all over, and you know what I’m talking about, we are going to party like crazy people. Be strong. Love, Todd.

  HOWARD STERN

  I’ve always admired Howard Stern—his show is real, honest, and in the moment. Growing up, he made my friends and me laugh so hard we would LITERALLY have to pull off the road. When I started doing my podcast, I wanted to do a similar type of show, but quickly realized that getting honest on the air meant I had to come clean about a few things in my life. Hiding my sexuality might have been acceptable onstage—where I could find other truths to talk about—but it wasn’t an option for the podcast. Still, it took me a year to come out in a public way. I can’t tell you how nervous I was to come back and do my show after my announcement, or how happy I was to realize that nothing had changed for the worse. In fact, the show was much better—we could finally incorporate my situation into bits, talk honestly about serious issues, and make all kinds of new jokes I couldn’t have before. My listeners responded with comments that were warm and reassuring and emails that went deeper and more openly into things we talked about on the show. So thank you to all my listeners, and thank you, Howard. You set the standard for honesty on the air so high, it pushed me into the right direction on my show and in my life.

  KEVIN AND PATTI SOUSA

  Listeners to my podcast know him as Almost-Dr. Kevin Sousa—although by the time this book comes out, the “Almost” part will be gone. I’ve known you, Kevin, since I lived in Philadelphia. You were instrumental in helping me make the decision to come out: A week after I told you I was thinking about it, you called me to find out what progress I’d made. When the answer turned out to be “not much,” you pushed me to call Marc Maron. Your kindness, love, and professional therapeutic skills helped me get through the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I hope you know how I feel about you. And while we’re talking about the Sousas, thank you to Patti—your love has always meant a lot to me, especially around the holidays—and to the rest of the family: Jon, Terry, Peter, and Michael.

  MARC MARON

  I knew it then, but time has proven over and over again that I picked the best person I could have to tell my story to. You combine twisted humor and smart, serious conversation in a way that made what should have been a terrifying experience into one that was actually very enjoyable. I was so nervous walking into that garage I felt nauseous. But you put me in such a comfortable place that those feelings quickly disappeared. I got to say everything I wanted to say, the way I wanted to say it. So Marc, what can I say? Thank you.

  JEFF ROSS

  I used to say Jeff Ross sort of saved my life, but then realized that I didn’t need to add “sort of.” Jeff Ross saved my life. When he called an ambulance for me that night at the Coronet, I thought he was going to look silly afterwards. He didn’t. The doctor told me that because I got to the hospital so quickly there was no damage to my heart. So Jeff, thank you—I wasn’t ready to stop doing comedy just yet.

  JIMMY KIMMEL

  I’ve always loved watching Chris Elliott on Letterman—he does irreverent pieces that are like nothing I’ve ever seen on any other show. I know it takes a huge amount of trust in someone to let them do whatever they want. Well, that’s what Jimmy Kimmel has done for me. I’ve never been on a show that has given me such an extraordinary amount of freedom, and that takes a tremendous amount of confidence. I don’t take this for granted. So thank you. I also want you to know that Uncle Frank lives on with my nieces, my nephews, and my friends. That said, you’re lucky you’re even getting a mention here, since I haven’t been on the show in a fucking year.

  DAVE BECKY

  Dave, you probably don’t know this, but you are the first person in the comedy community I told about my situation. The reason it was you was because you always said extremely kind, loving things that made me comfortable enough to trust you with it. At a time when I felt like I was going to burst if I didn’t share it with someone, it gave me a lot of comfort to be able to share it with you. Thank you.

  MY FUNNY FRIENDS

  Steve Rosenthal, thank you for being so supportive, helping me to take ideas that are in my head and bring them to fruition—especially Todd’s Coma. Thanks also, Mike Koman, because if he reads this he’ll get upset. But really it’s directed at Steve. Also Jimmy Dore, Stef Zamorano, Dave Rath, Erin von Schonfeldt, Mark Anderson, and Darrin McAfee—these people are practically family, but there’s more to it than that: Your never-ending kindness, love, and support remind me that I’m funny. Your presence in my life is appreciated; I wanted to make sure that you knew it.

  ALL THE COMICS*

  Whenever I know that I’m about to hang out with comedians, I feel like a little kid ten feet away from Disneyland. Whether you’re a comedian I used to work with every week at the Improv or someone that I worked with one time five years ago in Minneapolis, I cherish our time together. I feel so lucky to be a part of this crazy fraternity. So thank you for making life fun and for helping to create a place for grown-ups to act like adolescent kids (while getting paid for it!).

  DANA GOLD

  You help me with so many things that are hard for me to deal with. Simple tasks like writing emails, paying bills, and basic banking are excruciating for me, but because of you I don’t have to think about them and can just concentrate on comedy. You make me breathe more easily on a daily basis. This is something I think about often but seldom tell you. You are very appreciated. Thank you.

  DUNCAN STRAUSS

  You were my first manager in L.A. You came to my shows and always had kind words for me afterwards. Your comments were especially meaningful because you covered stand-up for the L.A. Times and wrote about comedians I liked; when you became a manager and offered to sign me, I felt like I hit the lottery. You were everything I could want in a manager: diligent, smart, and sure of my ability to succeed. On top of all that, you were a decent person and that goes a long way. When you eventually decided to get out of managing, you made sure I found a new manager who would suit my needs. My career—past, present, and future—will always owe plenty to your guidance and support. So thanks . . . and say hi to Colleen and Mikey!

  ALEX MURRAY

  In this business, everybody wants their manager to think that they’re funny and to genuinely believe in them. It sounds obvious, but it doesn’t always happen, and even when it does, you’re not always sure that it’s real. With you, Alex, I’m always sure. You are everything anyone could ever want in a manager: supportive, gentle, and proud. You also gave me one of the best pieces of advice I got about coming out, reminding me that I just might have to do it before I was ready to. It’s an insight that I will never forget. Thank you for all the love, support, and countless laughs. I love you. Thanks also to his assistants, Peter and Jerilyn—you aren’t so bad yourselves!

  MY TEACHERS

  I want to thank every single teac
her I had, kindergarten through twelfth grade, from the bottom of my heart. Even when you didn’t know why I wasn’t able to read, do math, or just concentrate, you never made me feel dumb for it. You always took the time to talk to me and made me feel genuinely listened to. You all will always have a special place in my heart.

  DAN SAVAGE, TERRY MILLER, AND THE YOUTUBE KID

  The It Gets Better campaign was started by Dan Savage and his partner, Terry Miller, to let kids know that, although they’re struggling now, their lives are going to get easier. But I’m not sure they anticipated that it would help a full-grown man like me. The night before I went on WTF, I let my old fears get the best of me and began to have second thoughts. So I went online and looked at some It Gets Better videos. Seeing all these kids suffering needlessly reminded me that if my story could help any of them, I didn’t have a choice. Eventually I came across a YouTube video of a thirteen-year-old kid coming out to the world in a self-taped confession. He was so smart, eloquent, and honest that I began to cry as he spoke. Here I was thinking that my coming out might help some kids, but somehow this kid on YouTube was helping me do it. The irony was not lost on me.