Yesterday's Gone (Two Daughters Book 1)

by Janice Kay Johnson

  Her own mouth curved. “Just a little?”

  Eve grabbed her napkin and dabbed below her eyes. What was left of her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Okay. Maybe a little.”

  “Because I’m blonde and blue eyed? Because I have such a sweetly sentimental name? Because you didn’t get a canopy bed and I did?” Bailey never looked away from her even as she dipped some more salsa. “Or because of Seth?”

  Eve gazed coolly back. “E, all of the above?”

  Bailey nodded. “Just so you know, I’m leaving tomorrow. Don’t tell Mom and Dad. I’m making dinner for them tonight. I thought we could have a nice evening before I rip the bandage off.”

  “Really? You have to go back already?”

  “I could have stayed a couple more days.” Bailey surprised herself with her honesty. With the fact that she wanted to tell someone the truth, and had chosen this maybe sister. She shrugged. “But I thought I’d just get it over with. You know?”

  Bitter chocolate eyes warmed with what she thought might be sympathy. “I hate goodbyes, too,” Eve said. She made a face. “Once you know...”

  When she hesitated, Bailey finished for her. “How often they’re permanent.”

  “Maybe that’s it.” Eve turned her head and smiled, and Bailey realized the waiter was bringing their entrées. A vegetarian burrito for Eve, a quesadilla for Bailey. Both looked and smelled wonderful.

  “This was a good suggestion,” she said after he’d left them alone again. “We have fabulous Mexican food in LA, but I wouldn’t have expected it up here.”

  “Are you kidding?” Eve said. “Every crop in the state is harvested with migrant labor. Plenty of people like the area and stay. Skagit County just north of us is heavily Hispanic. Some of the elementary schools are half-day Spanish. We have active immigration issues, too.”

  “Really.”

  “You didn’t ask, but, yes, my mother was Latina. She was actually from Costa Rica.”

  “Thus the gorgeous hair.”

  Eve stared at her incredulously. “You think my hair is beautiful, when yours is gilt?”

  Bailey set down her fork. “I guess that answers my original question, doesn’t it?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “What you really mean is my hair is the color of Mom’s. Right?”

  Eve closed her eyes and visibly fought some dark emotion. When she opened them again, she looked regretful. “I guess I do. And you’re right, I am jealous. But it’s not your fault. I’m just...” She trailed off, seemingly groping for words.

  Bailey sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you on it. I don’t blame you for feeling jealous. Just living with that bedroom right across the hall from yours is reason enough. I know they meant well, but seeing that perfect little girl’s bedroom, frozen in time, must have been worse than sharing Mom and Dad with a little princess of a sister would have been.”

  “Yes.” The word was choked. “It was. Mom would go in there to dust or vacuum, and I’d hear her crying. I know they care about me. I know I’m lucky, but I always wondered what would happen if you came home. Would they still want me?”

  “You know better than that.”

  “Yeah.” She half laughed. “Of course I do. They’re nice people. They wouldn’t reject one child in favor of another. I do know that. Here.” She touched her temple.

  Bailey nodded. “I understand.”

  “So. You will be back, won’t you?”

  “Yes. I couldn’t do that to them, even if I didn’t want family.”

  Eve’s dark eyes were almost as knowing as Seth’s. “Do you want family?”

  The “yes” was wrenched out of her. The “no” came more slowly. “I keep panicking,” she finally admitted.

  “With Seth, too? Or is long-term not an issue?”

  Bailey frowned. “Do you really want to talk about Seth?”

  “I actually don’t mind.” She offered a twisted smile. “To my surprise.”

  “You mean that.”

  “I do. I was really hurt I didn’t keep his interest, but it was partly pride.” She hesitated, then made a face. “Being brutally honest here, some of my tangled feelings had to do with the fact that he jumped right on your story and became completely fixated on finding you. Bringing Hope Home.” Her tone made it a headline. “And, not so coincidentally, that was when he lost interest in me.”

  “Because his interest turned instead to the missing, golden-haired, perfect daughter who, all unknowing, had been your rival for years and years.”

  Eve’s pretty face went through some more contortions. “Got it in one,” she finally admitted. “That doesn’t say anything very nice about me, I know—”

  Bailey snorted. “Oh, come on. How could you not feel that way?”

  Another incredulous stare was followed by a short, sharp laugh. “You know what? I think I could get to like you.”

  Bailey let herself laugh, too. “I...actually kind of hope so.” She rolled her eyes. “Do you know how hard it is to avoid using the word hope?”

  “Are you kidding?” This chuckle was more relaxed. “I’m a past master. I even dug out a thesaurus. I never hoped for something, I wished for it. Wish was one of my favorite words. Want is good, too. I used to wish we were British so I could have a fancy for something.”

  Bailey shook her head. “Obviously, I need to explore the alternatives.”

  “You do that, because Mom is not going to accept that your name is Bailey.”

  “I got that.”

  They ate in silence for a few minutes. Then Eve said, “Only one more year to your degree.”

  Stabbed by pain at the reminder that she would be back in her old life by tomorrow night, Bailey agreed. Because they had to talk about something, she told Eve some of what she’d been thinking.

  “I always knew I wanted to be a social worker—”

  “Because one rescued you along the way?”

  Their eyes met. Eve nodded slowly. “Guess neither of us are hard to figure out.”

  “Nope.”

  “You know the graduate program in psychology at the UW is highly regarded, don’t you?”

  “I did notice, but...” Her mouth twisted. “Whether I come here will depend on a lot of factors.”

  “Like Seth.”

  “Maybe,” she admitted. “But also I have to be accepted. I’ll need to look at other programs, probably apply at several. And, ugh, I suppose the GRE is in my near future.”

  “Ya think?” Eve said cheerfully. “You might want to brush up on that math.”

  “More ugh. Although I kind of liked stats, even though I don’t want to do research.”

  They were off, trading stories of favorite classes, educational debacles, past jobs. Eve even shared a few war stories from her current job as a caseworker with the Department of Social and Health Services.

  Eve insisted on paying for both of them. “I’m working full-time.”

  In the parking lot, they reached Bailey’s car first. She unlocked, then faced Eve. “Thanks for lunch. I guess this is goodbye until, I don’t know yet, Thanksgiving or Christmas maybe.”

  “You have my phone number. You could call.”

  Bailey grinned. “If talking to me won’t make you want to kick a puppy.”

  Eve laughed again, then leaned in for a quick, hard hug. Her dark eyes shimmered when she stepped back. “Take care,” she said, and hurried away.

  Bailey blinked and discovered her own eyes burned. So, okay, it wouldn’t be so bad to have an almost sister.

  * * *

  HER ANNOUNCEMENT OVER coffee that evening went less well.

  She tried not to look at Seth, but couldn’t help noticing how very still he had gone. Both her parents stared at her in shock.

  “But...tomorrow?” her mother faltered.

  “My boss at the restaurant gave me a deadline, and I really don’t want to lose the job.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, because she hadn’t told them when the deadlin
e was.

  “But—”

  Kirk’s hand covered his wife’s, and she quit talking. He said calmly, “We’d have liked you to stay longer, Bailey, but we understand. There’s something we’ve been meaning to tell you. We put away money all these years to pay for college for you, in the belief you’d have the chance. We can make this last year a little easier for you, let you concentrate on your studies and not work the hours I suspect you do. The rest can go toward graduate school, if that’s what you decide to do.”

  She opened her mouth, but couldn’t say a word. Oh, damn. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she snatched up her napkin to mop them up. Seth had said they might do something like this, but she hadn’t taken him seriously. Now—

  “I can’t believe— Oh.” They both watched her kindly, her father smiling. Seth, she didn’t know. She still couldn’t look at him.

  I should have told him first.

  But her parents had already been here when he walked in the door.

  She could have called him.

  Should have called him. Of course he was hurt.

  Did I do it on purpose? Did I want to hurt him?

  Oh, God. Maybe.

  Think about it later, she ordered herself.

  Right now... She sucked in a few breaths and managed to mostly stop crying.

  She gazed at the two people looking back at her so hopefully. No, no—choose a different word. Her mind took a byway. Wishfully? Dreamily? Fancifully? Of course, none of them worked.

  “I can’t believe you really saved money when I’d been gone so long. Are you sure you aren’t trying to give me your retirement income?”

  Her father shook his head. “We really did, Bailey. It was a way of...” He hesitated.

  “Showing faith,” her mother said. “Giving our belief substance.”

  After that, there was no way she could refuse their help, even though she’d learned to take great pride in accomplishing everything on her own.

  Seth stood up and began clearing the table. Bailey let him, listening as her parents detailed what they intended to do for her.

  Finally she circled the table to hug them each in turn. And, damn it, she was crying again. So was her mother.

  Sitting back down, Bailey wiped her cheeks again and firmly blew her nose. Then she looked at her parents. “I could probably change my flight, but—” How to say this?

  She didn’t have to. Her father only nodded. “You need to go.” His voice was impossibly gentle. His smile was sad. “Regroup. Get ready to start classes.”

  Bailey nodded and kept nodding until she forced herself to stop. Yes. She needed to separate herself from all these people and find out whether these feelings were real or situational.

  Did Seth understand, too?

  He might have, if she hadn’t just blindsided him.

  And I did that because I was afraid I couldn’t leave him, she thought, stunned by what she knew was the truth. She’d needed to drive him away before he asked her again to stay, or to commit to something that still frightened her. Because she might have succumbed despite this desperate need to have room to breathe and think.

  The knowledge felt right.

  Seth quietly refilled all their coffee cups, then retired to the kitchen. Bailey told her parents about having lunch with Eve. “We have a lot in common,” she said.

  “We know,” her mother murmured. “Some of it, I wish neither of you had had to go through.”

  “I wish we hadn’t, either, but it’s part of what makes us who we are. And maybe will allow both of us to help kids who’ve gone through some of the same stuff, the way Eve already is.”

  Karen had been looking weepy again; now she smiled tremulously. “We’re so proud of both of you.”

  “Thank you.” Bailey managed an answering smile. “But don’t say any more, or I’ll be sobbing again.”

  The dreaded moment came when she walked them out and had to say goodbye. Through her tears, she hardly saw their car back into the street and drive away.

  Still blinded by this completely unfamiliar grief—another new emotion to pin up on the bulletin board of her life—she stumbled back into the house. And, oh, God, she now had to face Seth.

  * * *

  BEING PISSED WAS all that held the pain at bay.

  Seth could not freaking believe she had booked a flight for tomorrow without telling him. So that was it. Thanks, and goodbye.

  And, goddamn it, but he hurt.

  He rinsed off plates and filled the dishwasher, then began washing pans because it gave him something to do while he waited for her. Or would she even pause to talk to him on her way to pack?

  He heard a soft footfall behind him. Setting the last pan in the dish drainer, Seth reached for a hand towel and turned slowly to find Bailey hovering in the doorway. Her face was blotchy, her eyes puffy, the way she held herself achingly uncertain. He contrasted the Bailey who faced him now with the brittle, defiant woman he’d first met, the one who didn’t want to feel anything.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have told you first.”

  His jaw flexed. “Why didn’t you?”

  “I only made the reservation this afternoon. And...and my parents got here before you.”

  “But you must have already made up your mind to leave tomorrow.”

  Her eyes widened at his implacable tone. “No, I—” She swallowed. “My thinking was...vague until I studied flights.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “What does a day or two matter?” she cried.

  “You’re eager to get the hell away from here, aren’t you?” Staying mad seemed to be his only defense against the need to beg.

  “No!” Her throat moved. “Oh, in a way, but not like you’re suggesting.”

  “You mean, this isn’t your way of saying, ‘Hey, thanks for everything, but you’ve served your purpose, so I’m on my way’?” Seth asked with deliberate cruelty.

  She bristled. “That’s hateful.”

  “Or maybe honest.”

  “No!”

  He leaned a hip against the counter and crossed his arms. “Then what’s this about, Bailey? The Lawsons are giving you enough money you don’t have to work this year if you don’t want.”

  “I can’t just call my boss and say sorry, I’m not coming back. I have to work out some notice, give him time to replace me.”

  “He’s apparently replaced you these couple weeks.”

  “He juggles staff. Some of the people are working way more hours than usual to make up for my absence.”

  Seth shook his head, as much at himself as her. “Why are we talking about your job? It’s not really the issue here, is it? And, just for a minute, do you think you could be straight with me?”

  Bailey stared at him unblinkingly. Then she crossed her arms, too, except the way her shoulders rounded, it looked as if she was trying to hug herself, or maybe make herself smaller.

  “I told Eve today, I hate goodbyes. Dragging this one out won’t make either of us feel any better.”

  Seth tensed, and pain crawled up his neck. “Why am I arguing? You’ve made up your mind. Go pack, Bailey. You won’t have time in the morning.” Deliberately, he turned his back, then stared at the refrigerator, wondering what he was supposed to do next.

  “You don’t understand,” a small, broken voice said behind him.

  He let his head drop forward and pinched the bridge of his nose hard, feeling the cartilage creak. It took him a minute to get his facial muscles under control so that he could turn to look at her again.

  “What don’t I understand?” he asked, his tone almost neutral.

  “I’m not used to living with anyone. I’m not used to having anyone look at me the way Karen does, with this desperate, all-consuming hunger for something I don’t know how to give. I’m not used to anyone treating me... I don’t know, tenderly. Giving me vast amounts of money. I’m really not used to wanting a man, or trusting him, or—” She finally had to suck in air. The look in he
r eyes was as desperate as the one he, too, had seen in Karen’s. “I need to get away. I have to evaluate. Figure out what’s real. What I... I miss.” She bit her lip. “And what I don’t.”

  The last, soft words fell like a hammer blow. Her meaning was unmistakable. She might miss him—and she might not.

  And there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it either way. He’d thought he hurt before, but it was nothing compared to this crushing pain. A part of him knew she was right to make no commitments until she’d gained some distance and perspective. She was emotionally damaged. The two of them hadn’t known each other very long. What he felt was too much, too fast. And just because he thought it was real and lasting didn’t mean she shared his certainty. But she wasn’t even leaving a door open. Giving him any hope.

  He huffed out a breath at the irony of his thought. Nope, she wasn’t leaving him any hope at all.

  “Then get on with it,” he said brusquely. “You can let me know once you’ve made up your mind which category I fall into.”

  She looked stricken, but after a minute she turned and left the room. He didn’t move a muscle until he heard a bedroom door close. Then he braced both hands on the countertop, bent his head and felt his face contort.

  * * *

  HER HEAD HEAVY from lack of sleep, Bailey tentatively opened the guest room door. She’d heard Seth moving around earlier. If she was lucky, he’d have left for work. It would be so much easier if he was gone, if there were no more goodbyes to be said. Leaving on harsh words was hugely preferable to wrenching herself from his arms, seeing emotions in his eyes she didn’t know whether to trust. But a painful constriction in her chest made that a lie. God help her, she wanted to see him one more time. Feel his arms tight around her.

  And such a stupid craving made her a glutton for punishment.

  Only quiet greeted her, but she smelled coffee. Bailey used the bathroom quickly, thought about showering, but couldn’t stand the suspense. Her hair was doing weird things and one cheek had a crease, but did it matter what she looked like?

  She had the absurd memory of a magazine article asking when you should let a guy see you without makeup for the first time. Who cared, when this guy had already seen her terrified, stunned and sobbing?

  Moving on silent feet, she followed the smell of coffee to the kitchen, then came to a sudden stop when she saw the man sitting at the breakfast bar. Waiting.