Love, Witches, & Other Delusions

by Natsume Akatsuki

  I felt like I’d met my first real potential love interest since coming to this world.

  Picturing Eris’s face, I arrived at the inn before I knew it.

  “Hee-hee! I’m gonna take good care of you, Snow Sprite. And when summer comes, we’ll be rolling in ice! You and I are gonna open a shaved-ice shop together! You can be by my pillow when the summer heat makes it hard to sleep… Hey, Megumin, what do Snow Sprites eat, anyway?”

  “I do not think anyone exactly knows. Do they even eat at all?”

  “It looks so fluffy and soft,” Darkness said. “I’m sure if you sprinkled some sugar on it and popped it in your mouth, it’d be delicious…”

  So went their altogether unappetizing deliberations behind me.

  As we reached the inn’s door, I looked back at them.

  I pictured Eris’s pure form again.

  Then I looked at the faces of my companions. All three looked back quizzically. They were silent, staring at me blankly.

  “Sigh…”

  “Ah!” they all exclaimed at once.

  With the girls’ commotion roaring behind me, I opened the door.

  7

  Several days after I had been killed…

  “Hey, what did you say?”

  I somehow held back my rage as I spoke to the guy in the now-silent Guild Hall.

  Having just recently died for the second time, I had planned to take a few days to rest my body and see to my mental state.

  And then today happened. I was still under orders not to do any strenuous physical activity, so I’d come to the Guild to see if there wasn’t any work that involved some nice, easy lifting or something…

  “C’mon, lifting or something? Your party is stuffed with advanced classes, so why don’t you take on some real work? You must be a real ball and chain for them, huh, Mr. I’m-the-weakest-class?”

  The guy looked like a warrior, and as he spoke, he exchanged a hearty snicker with his tablemates.

  Just ignore him.

  I was a grown man, and I could act like an adult. After the crap Aqua would say to me every day, I wasn’t going to let some run-of-the-mill barfly get a rise out of me.

  Granted, there was some logic to his words.

  My companions might all have their bizarre quirks, but they were still advanced classes.

  If we were a bit more effective as a group, maybe our financial outlook would be a little better.

  And yes, I was an adventurer, the lowest class.

  I really had no comeback for him at that moment.

  But the guy seemed to take my refusal to say anything as my inability to say anything under his withering assault.

  “Hey, why don’tcha say something, weakling? Geez, you go around with three fine ladies like you want a harem—and all of them advanced classes! I’ll bet you take good care of them every day, huh!”

  The whole Guild erupted in laughter.

  Some of those familiar with my history, however, frowned and took on cautious looks.

  I unconsciously clenched my fist, but just having around a few people like that helped me to bear it. I could endure.

  As I stood there, enduring, Megumin, Darkness, and Aqua jumped in to hold me back.

  “Kazuma, you must not sink to his level. I do not care, whatever he says about me.”

  “She’s right, Kazuma. He’s just some drunk. Ignore him.”

  “Yeah! He’s just jealous ’cause you’ve got us with you! I don’t care at all; just forget about him!”

  They were right. This guy was a stereotypical punk. You saw his type in manga all the time.

  There was no need to get into it with him.

  I gritted my teeth and tried to bear it, but then the guy said something I couldn’t ignore.

  “How nice for you, piggybacking on your powerful friends! Sure wish I could be like you—never having to work for anything! Hey, how’s about you and I switch places?”

  “Hey, how’s about we DO!!!” I bellowed.

  The hall went silent.

  “…Huh?”

  The warrior who had been ridiculing me made a dumb sound, his mug still in his hand.

  “I said, sure! I’ll switch with you! I’ve been just listening to you spew BS all this time—Yes! I’m the weakest class! I admit it! But then! Tell me what you said next!”

  “K…Kazuma?”

  Aqua spoke with a hint of panic, alarmed by my sudden outburst.

  Then the guy jumped in, as if to goad me along.

  “A-after that? After that I said…I said you had three fine ladies with you and you must want a harem…”

  I slammed my fist onto the table, making everyone in the hall jump.

  “Fine ladies?! A harem?! What, have you got marbles for eyes?! You see any fine ladies here? Maybe I’m crazy, but I sure don’t! Hey, how about we trade crazy for blind?!”

  “Wh-what?!”

  All three of my party members pointed to themselves and muttered as I spoke.

  “Where are all these fine ladies you’re talking about?! Huh? You wish you could be like me?! Isn’t that what you said?!”

  I had the guy by the collar when an anxious voice came from behind me:

  “U-um…”

  Aqua was trying to squeak something out as she tremblingly raised her right hand, as if she was the spokesperson for the three of them.

  I ignored her and went on:

  “And what came after that, huh? Something about piggybacking on my powerful friends? Never having to work for anything?!”

  “I—I’m s-sorry about that… I’m just d-drunk; I g-got carried away… B-but it’s—The grass is always greener, y’know? You look downright blessed… You said you’d switch with me, right? How about one day? Change places with me for just one day, Mr. Adventurer! Hey, you guys okay with that?”

  He looked to the others sitting at his table for confirmation.

  “Don’t make much difference to me… Today’s just a goblin-hunting quest, anyway.”

  “I don’t mind. But, Dust? Don’t get so comfortable in your new party that you never come back!”

  “Me neither. They’re just goblins; one more kid won’t matter. You’d better bring back some good stories, though.”

  Each of the guy’s companions answered in turn.

  “Hey, Kazuma,” Aqua said, “that’s well and good for them, but doesn’t our opinion count for anything?”

  “Nope,” I said, turning to my new party. “Hey, I’m Kazuma. Thanks for taking me on—even if it’s just for a day.”

  “Y-yeah,” the guy’s friends answered. They seemed to be at a bit of a loss.

  8

  A man holding a sword and shield and wearing heavy armor took stock of me and said:

  “I’m Taylor. I’m a Crusader with a focus on single-handed swords. I’m sort of the leader. You’re a member of our party for the day—even if it was kind of an accident—so I expect you to do what I say.”

  “Sure thing. You know, I’m normally the one who gives the orders in my group, so it’ll be a nice change of pace to let someone else handle things. Looking forward to it.”

  Taylor seemed a little surprised at my response.

  “You’re telling me you had a party full of advanced classes, and the Adventurer was their leader?”

  “Yup.”

  I nodded like it was no big deal, but the three of them were speechless.

  Next was a girl who still had an air of youth about her, draped in a blue mantle.

  “I’m Rin. I’m a Wizard, as you can probably guess. I’ve mastered Intermediate Magic. Nice to be working with you! I don’t think a few goblins should be any problem. I’ll protect you—our little novice!”

  She giggled. She was treating me like some kid.

  I was pretty sure I was older than her. But if she really was a Wizard, that was comforting. I would happily let her protect me.

  “And I’m Keith. I’m an Archer, and I don’t miss. Anyway, good to have you on board, I gues
s.”

  He smiled as he spoke, a bow slung over his back. He seemed the flippant type.

  “Nice to meet you all. I’m Kazuma. I’m an Adventurer… Should I, uh, tell you what I’m good at or anything?”

  The three of them burst out laughing.

  “Eh, doesn’t matter. You were looking for porter work anyway, right? Well, carry our stuff. The three of us will be plenty to take out a few goblins. And don’t worry—you’ll get your share of the reward.”

  I had a sense Taylor was teasing me, but I didn’t care.

  I’d been accused of riding on the coattails of my more powerful party members, but a reward just for hauling around some luggage? That was easier than anything I’d done so far. Were they sure about this?

  Well, it was his idea. I wasn’t going to argue.

  That was when I heard a familiar voice from over by the quest board.

  “What? Goblin-slaying? Why are those even showing up near town? Why not do, y’know, something big—something profitable? Kazuma’s only rented out for one day; we should take it to show him how grateful he should be to have us!”

  It sounded like Aqua was already making a nuisance of herself for the guy who’d switched with me.

  “L-let’s not. I know you guys are really powerful, but I’m nowhere close! An Arch-priest, an Arch-wizard, and a Crusader… I’m sure the three of you could take on any opponent no problem, but let’s stick to something simpler this time, all right? …By the way, where are your weapons and armor? You’re not really going out like that?”

  “It’s fine. I trust in my sturdiness, and even if I had a weapon, I couldn’t hit anything with it.”

  “Couldn’t hit anything? I mean, you… Hmm, a-all right…”

  As I listened to him go back and forth with Darkness, I noticed him say this time. What, did he think there was going to be a next time?

  Not that I cared. Not at all.

  Taylor stood, keeping one eye on what was happening in the other party.

  “We don’t normally work in winter. But some nice, tasty goblin-slaying fell right into our laps, so today we’re going to clear them off the mountain road. If we leave now, we can be back before midnight. All right, new kid, let’s move out.”

  9

  Goblins.

  They were a major monster type. Even in my world, everyone had heard of them, so of course they had in this one.

  But these goblins, apparently, weren’t the small-fry creatures of video games but foes who posed a surprisingly serious threat to the populace.

  Individual goblins were not that powerful, but they generally traveled in packs and used weapons.

  They were a sort of wild demi-human: quick-moving, small but violent, and carrying a reputation for attacking people and livestock.

  Typically they lived in the woods, but recently, for some reason, they had taken up residence along a mountain road that led to the next town.

  We were wandering through a field on the way to the mountain.

  “I wonder what would cause goblins to live out here, anyway? Well, it means for once we get a nice, cushy goblin-slaying job!”

  Goblins were worth two hundred thousand eris each.

  I had no idea how strong they were, but if Rin said it was a cushy job, then it probably was.

  And I could get in on it just by trotting behind these three with the bags.

  This was maybe the first time I’d ever had such easy, stress-free work.

  If I had been with my normal party, the girls probably would have started squabbling or found some fresh danger before we were halfway there, but today we arrived at the mountain with no problems.

  This wasn’t a lush green mountain like you’d find in Japan, though. Its face was bare, brown, and rocky. A little brush was the extent of the flora here, and I wondered why goblins would settle in a place with so few resources.

  With my usual companions, this was about the point where I would start wondering how things would go wrong, but today I only had a profound sense of ease.

  No doubt it was because I finally had a real party with me.

  Taylor came to a halt and opened a map.

  “To get to where the goblins were sighted, we have to climb to the top of this mountain road, then descend a little bit. The road is lined with the kind of caves goblins love. So keep your guard up.”

  I actually felt a little rush of excitement at Taylor’s words.

  This was it! This was how being an adventurer was supposed to go!

  I want to charge right into the midst of the enemy! I want to set off a magical explosion! I want to go home and drink! I knew those weren’t normal things for adventurers to say!

  Everyone looked wordlessly at one another and nodded.

  The mountain road never branched; it was a single narrow path that wound past dangerously jagged peaks.

  It was wide enough for five or six people to walk abreast, but a craggy mountainside that might as well have been a wall bordered one side, and the other side ran along a sheer cliff.

  As we moved silently up the road, I suddenly noticed—

  “Something’s coming this way. It set off my Sense Foe ability. But there’s only one.”

  My skill had been alerted to the presence of an enemy, but only one.

  Weren’t goblins supposed to travel in hordes?

  The three others looked at me in surprise.

  “Kazuma, you have Sense Foe? Wait—what do you mean, only one? It’s not a goblin, then. There aren’t supposed to be any monsters around here powerful enough to act alone, but… Well, there’s only one path. And it’ll spot us in a second if we try to hide in those bushes. Do we fight?”

  Taylor raised his shield as he spoke, but…

  “No, I think we’d be fine in those bushes. I have Ambush. Its effect extends to any party members touching the user. We’ve got this great hiding place right here, so why not use it?”

  Even more surprised now, the three of them obligingly hid in the bushes.

  I’d expected nothing less from an experienced party like this.

  When you knew nothing about your opponent, avoiding battle and assessing the situation was Adventuring 101.

  Vigilance was nothing to be ashamed of. It was the guy who threw caution to the wind and got himself killed who ought to feel bad.

  As we crouched in the bushes, I was thinking to myself that my usual party would never have just hidden so readily, when…

  It came.

  A huge catlike creature.

  Bigger than a lion or tiger, its body was covered in black fur, and it had two long fangs like a sabertooth’s.

  It was sensitive enough that it had noticed the ground we’d been standing on just a moment earlier, and it was sniffing the area.

  Rin took one look and covered her mouth with her hand.

  Maybe she had been about to let out a terrified shriek.

  I felt all three of their hands on me tighten, perhaps from fear.

  If these three were this worried, that thing must be pretty dangerous.

  The monster went on sniffing for a moment, then finally disappeared the way we’d come, down the road to town.

  “Yiiiikes! Th-th-that was scary! That was the Beginner’s Bane! The Beginner’s Bane!” Rin said with tears in her eyes.

  I guess I was right about it being a nasty enemy.

  “I—I thought I was gonna have a heart attack,” Keith said. “Y-you saved our skins… That’s why the goblins are here. The Beginner’s Bane chased them here.”

  “Y-yeah,” said Taylor. “But this is trouble. He went back toward town. We can’t run home now.”

  “Is that cat really that big a deal?”

  The three of them gave me disbelieving looks, as if astonished I didn’t already know.

  “The Beginner’s Bane. He hangs out near goblins and kobolds, monsters that are considered easy pickings for novice adventurers, then preys on the rookies who come to get them. He uses them as bait. And he period
ically chases the goblins around so that they don’t get too comfortable, and so he can change his hunting grounds. He’s smart, and he’s dangerous.”

  “Man, that is scary.”

  Who knew there were such intelligent monsters around here?

  I wondered if it was contagious. Maybe I should boil that creature’s claws and make Aqua drink them to see if there was any improvement.

  “Well, let’s take care of those goblins, then. The Beginner’s Bane usually protects his bait from adventurers’ attacks. If we eliminate the goblins and then hide again, maybe he’ll smell the blood and go past us just like he did this time. Kazuma’s Sense Foe will let us know if he gets close. And it beats crouching in these bushes forever, waiting to see if he’ll come back. Let’s make for our objective.”

  At Taylor’s suggestion, I stepped out of the bushes.

  As I did so, Rin took some of the luggage from my back.

  “If we run into the Beginner’s Bane and we have to scatter, we want Kazuma to be light enough to move, too. I’ll take some of the baggage. B-but I’ll be counting on your Sense Foe and Ambush skills, okay?”

  She hefted the bag onto her back as she spoke.

  At Rin’s words, Taylor and Keith both hurried to take their packs from me.

  “W-we’re not counting on you or whatever, though, all right?” they said.

  Fancy that. I’d picked up some catty secret admirers.

  10

  Since the Beginner’s Bane showed no sign of returning, we crept up the mountain road until we found the descent Taylor’s map had indicated.

  Apparently the goblins had been sighted around here.

  Taylor looked back at me.

  “How is it, Kazuma? Is your Sense Foe reacting?”

  Oh, yeah. Plenty.

  “There’s a bunch of them, just down the path and around that corner. For now, I don’t sense the Beginner’s Bane coming back up the path from behind us.”

  But there were a lot of them. More than you could count on two hands.

  So many, in fact, that I started to lose count.

  “A bunch of them? That’s got to be the goblins,” Keith said lightly. “They’re pack animals.”