Love, Witches, & Other Delusions

by Natsume Akatsuki

  “Eeeek!”

  Wiz dove behind me, looking more terrified than ever.

  Apparently, Liches and goddesses were age-old enemies.

  “Hey, Wiz, you don’t have to be so worried. I mean, I know Liches and goddesses are like oil and water, but…”

  I was trying to comfort her, but Wiz said, “N-no, it’s… There’re a lot of crazy people in the Axis Church. Everyone knows you don’t want to get involved with them…and now the goddess of the Church is here…”

  “What did you say?!”

  “I-I-I-I’m sorry!”

  “We’ll never get anywhere at this rate…”

  I dragged off the enraged Aqua and insisted she go look around the store or something. She obligingly began hunting through the shelves, picking up potions, sniffing their contents.

  Wiz collected herself, keeping a wary eye on Aqua.

  “Come to think of it, I heard just recently that you and your party took down Mr. Beldia. He was supposed to be quite the swordsman, even among the generals. That’s really impressive!”

  A quiet smile came over my face as she spoke…

  …Huh?

  “Mr. Beldia, did you say? You make it sound like you knew him. Is it—? I mean, do you undead all know one another?”

  As if it was the most natural thing in the world, Wiz answered, “Oh, didn’t I tell you? I’m one of the Demon King’s generals.”

  And she said it with a bright smile.

  There was a long, long pause.

  “You’re mine!!”

  Aqua ceased puttering among the shelves and dove straight at Wiz.

  “Waaaait! Aqua, milady, please listen to me!” Wiz screamed, caught in Aqua’s grip.

  Aqua wiped the sweat from her brow as if she’d been hard at work and cried, “We did it, Kazuma! We can kiss that debt good-bye! With cash to spare! Forget an inn, we can buy a house!”

  She was thrilled.

  I leaned over toward the captured Wiz.

  “Hey, Aqua, let’s give her a chance to explain… What do you mean, general? If you’re some kind of spy for the Demon King, I guess we can’t very well turn you loose…”

  Wiz began to talk frantically. “I’m not! I’m responsible for the spirit barrier that protects the Demon King’s castle! I’ve never harmed a person, and I hardly even count as a general! There’s not even a reward for killing me!”

  Aqua and I looked at each other.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Aqua said, “but I think I’ll get rid of you just for good measure.”

  “No, milady, wait!” Wiz wailed at her captor.

  I put out a hand to stop Aqua, who had begun to chant something.

  “Hmm, okay. You see this all the time in video games—you have to defeat the lackeys to open the path to the Demon King’s castle. Right? And Wiz has been tasked with maintaining the protective barrier.”

  “I don’t know what a video game is, but yes, that’s right! Mr. The Demon King knew I wouldn’t quit my peaceful existence running a shop in a human village, so he asked if I could just take care of maintaining the barrier. He said it’d be a big help, and I’d be safe because no one would suspect the Demon King’s general was living right in town!”

  “Hmph. What you mean is, as long as you’re alive, no one can attack the Demon King’s castle, and we have a problem. Let’s finish her, Kazuma.”

  Wiz burst into tears.

  “Wait, please wait! Lady Aqua, with your power you could probably break through a barrier supported by two or three generals! But the Demon King had eight generals to start with! If you kill me, there will still be six left, and even you won’t be able to get through the barrier. Even if you send me to the next life, you’ll need to keep fighting them before you can attack the castle! So please—at least let me live until you’ve taken out enough of us that you’ll be able to get through the barrier. I still have things to do…!”

  Even Aqua looked a bit unsure at the sight of the captive, tearful Wiz.

  I stared at her. It looked like it was up to me to make the call.

  “Uh, looks like we can just leave her, right? I mean, even if you take her out, it’s not like anything’s gonna happen to that barrier. Sure, you’d usually have to defeat all the generals to get through, but with you along, Aqua, we can break down the barrier even if there’s a couple left. Let’s just be patient until someone takes down some of the generals besides Wiz.”

  An inexperienced party like ours wasn’t going to be taking on those generals, let alone the Demon King—and I had no plans of getting involved in anything that dangerous, anyway.

  If we just sat tight, the kids who had brought actual useful items with them—like Mitsurugi with his magic sword—would take care of the lackeys for us.

  The one thing they wouldn’t be able to do, as long as Wiz was here, would be to break the barrier and get at the Demon King himself.

  If I wanted to go back to Earth, we would have to deal with the big guy ourselves.

  We could afford to wait until we got strong enough to handle him.

  Totally oblivious to my calculating thoughts, Wiz looked thrilled at my words.

  “You sure you’re okay with this? I mean, the generals are friends of yours, right? You’re not mad that we killed Beldia or anything?”

  Wiz looked just a little concerned by my question.

  “…I didn’t especially care for Mr. Beldia… He liked to roll his head toward me while I was walking so he could peek up my skirt. There’s really only one general I’m very close to, and he… Well, he won’t die easily. And…”

  She added, “…I like to think my heart, at least, is still human.”

  And she smiled, a bit sadly.

  3

  “Um, all right. I’ll show you every skill I have, and you can learn whatever you like. It’s the least I can do to thank you for sparing my life…”

  But then she gave a start, like she’d suddenly thought of something, and looked nervously at Aqua and me.

  “What’s up?”

  Wiz answered with a frightened look at Aqua.

  “My skills all require an opponent, so…I need someone to use them on…”

  Ah, I get it.

  “Hey, Aqua, sorry, but could you help out here?”

  “Oh? And what skills does the undead propose to use on me?”

  Wiz shrank back, properly intimidated by Aqua, but said, “H-how about Drain Touch? Just a little, I promise! That should be enough for him to learn it, right?”

  The more intimidated she got, the faster she talked. A truly malicious smile came over Aqua’s face. I knew one of these two was a Lich and one was a goddess. But to look at them now, it was hard to say which was which.

  “Fine,” Aqua said, “I don’t care—drain as much as you want. Go ahead!” She held out her hand, and Wiz took it tremblingly.

  “All right, here goes…” There was a long, confused pause. “Huh? Wh-what?”

  I couldn’t tell what was happening, but apparently it took Wiz by surprise.

  “Aww, what’s wrong? Weren’t you going to drain my HP and MP? Aww, the big, powerful undead can’t even use Drain?”

  Aqua seemed confident and relaxed; tears gleamed in Wiz’s eyes.

  “Wh-whaaaat?!”

  Aqua seemed to be resisting the drain, making it impossible for Wiz.

  …I wordlessly went up and smacked Aqua on the back of the head.

  “Ow! Hey, Kazuma, butt out! This is a showdown between a Lich and a goddess! Mock my divinity if you will, but I won’t be drained that easily!”

  “Come on, we need to get on with our lives. Just let her drain you already. Sorry, Wiz, I guess she just likes her job too much. Can’t abide an undead.”

  Wiz shook her head as I tried to apologize on Aqua’s behalf.

  “N-not at all! I-I’m sorry for being a Lich…!”

  Once we had all composed ourselves, I had Wiz show me her skills.

  She grasped A
qua’s hand and performed Drain Touch again.

  Drain Touch was an ability unique to undead that allowed them to absorb HP or MP from their target.

  Apparently, it could also transfer some of their own HP or MP to the target.

  With the right applications, this skill might help balance out our party’s lack of firepower.

  Once I’d seen Wiz perform the skill, I checked my Adventurer’s Card.

  DRAIN TOUCH was indeed listed there.

  I didn’t hesitate to put my skill points into it and learn it.

  “Ah, um, Lady Aqua? Y-you can let go of me now… P-please let go of me… Your touch makes my hand tingle for some reason…”

  Aqua was silent.

  I looked over and saw that not only was Aqua holding Wiz’s right hand in her left; she had placed her right hand over it as well and was holding tight.

  “L-Lady Aqua? M-my hand is getting pretty warm… Actually, it—it hurts! It—hurts! Y-you’re cleansing me by boiling my body from the inside, Lady Aqua! I’m going to disa—disappear! I’m going to vanish!”

  “You’re one hell of an opportunist, Aqua.” I gave Aqua a thwack on her bullying head.

  “That hurts!”

  Was I imagining things, or did Wiz look slightly transparent?

  At that moment—

  “Pardon me, is Miss Wiz in?” The bell over the door jingled as a middle-aged man came in.

  4

  “Evil spirits?” we all asked in unison.

  Evil spirits, apparently.

  The man who had come in asking for Wiz was a real estate agent.

  It seemed that vacant houses in town had become the dwelling places of evil spirits lately for some reason.

  He had tried consulting the Adventurers Guild, but they had never encountered a case like his before and didn’t know what to do. Even if they put out a hunt quest on the spirits, new ones would just move in as soon as the old ones were gone, the Guild said.

  “I have them cast out, exorcized, but new ones just pop up to take their place. I can’t even keep the house ghost-free, let alone sell it!” The man sighed, looking tired.

  Fine, but what had brought him to Wiz’s place?

  Maybe he could see the question on my face, because he started to explain.

  “Before Miss Wiz opened this store, she was a renowned magic-user. Merchants who had a problem would always go to her. I heard she was a particular expert on the undead. That’s why I thought I’d try asking here.”

  I see. Liches were called the kings of the undead, after all.

  This man might not know what Wiz really was, but he was right that she’d probably have something to say about this.

  The man, though, was looking at Wiz with concern.

  “But…Miss Wiz, you don’t look well today. You’ve always been a bit pale, but it’s worse than usual. In fact, you look…you look as if you might disappear at any moment.”

  “…”

  I stared silently at Aqua, who just moments before had been about to send Wiz to the next life. She looked away and fidgeted uncomfortably.

  Wiz smiled painfully and pounded herself on the chest. “I’m just fine, thank you. Let me handle it. You want me to deal with the evil spirits in town, is that right?”

  “Oh, no—not all of them necessarily… Just the one house… You know the place.”

  “Oh, there?” Wiz said, nodding as if she understood. “All right, then.”

  She knows the place?

  “I’ll take care of it. Just the evil spirits lost in that house.” Wiz stood, then stumbled as if she’d lost her strength.

  “Oh! If you’re not feeling well, Miss Wiz, then please don’t worry about it! Don’t overexert yourself, now!”

  The man rushed to support Wiz, and Aqua strained to look anywhere else, pretending not to see what was going on. I shoved my face up close to hers and stared silently.

  Finally, Aqua couldn’t take it anymore. “I-I’ll handle it,” she said in a small voice.

  5

  “Is this the place?”

  We were at a mansion standing on the edge of town.

  According to what the man had told us, it didn’t contain that many rooms for a mansion, but there were still plenty of them.

  The building, which was several times the size of a one-story house in Japan, had once been the summer home of a certain noble family.

  They had given up the place, but when an attempt was made to sell it, this business with the evil spirits started.

  “Not bad, not bad at all! This looks just about right for me to live in!” Aqua exclaimed excitedly. She carried a small bag, as did Megumin, who seemed to be blushing faintly.

  Aqua wasn’t crazy: We were going to live in this house.

  It was a big place filled with an equally large number of spirits, and it currently had an unfortunate reputation as a haunted house.

  As a reward for our night of exorcizing haunts, we would be allowed to live there for free until it lost its bad rap.

  In other words, if we pulled this off, we wouldn’t have to keep saving money to get us through the winter.

  I thanked my Luck that our discussions had taken that turn.

  “Do you really think we can get rid of all the ghosts?” Darkness asked. She hefted a large bag over her shoulder. “The talk around town is that as soon as the spirits are driven out of a place, new ones show up instead.”

  She was right; it would be best to find out where the evil spirits were coming from and cut them off at the source. But we’d been asked to deal with only this one house.

  And practically speaking, the longer the exorcism took, the longer we got to live indoors.

  “I must say, though, this house seems to have been uninhabited for a very long time. And yet our ghost problems started only recently, yes? Perhaps there is a story here that goes back to before the town’s present troubles with the restless dead.”

  Megumin’s observation made my flesh crawl.

  “W-well, whatever,” I said. “This house can have all the stories it wants. We’ve got Aqua with us. Right? Our anti-undead expert. We’ll be fine…right?”

  I only freaked myself out more as I talked, but if nothing else, I knew Aqua was a qualified Arch-priest.

  …Mostly.

  “Leave it to me… Oh, I see it! I can see it! My spiritual sight discerns that a child lives here—the child of the nobleman and the maid he toyed with, their offspring locked up in this house! The father, always weak, died of an illness, and the maid disappeared—no one knows where! Left here alone, the girl finally succumbed to the same sickness as her father and died never knowing her parents’ faces. Her name was Anna Filante Estroid. She liked stuffed animals and dolls and adventurers’ stories! But don’t worry—she’s not a bad spirit. She means us no harm! Oh, but she does like things that make her feel grown-up. She’d like to try some sweet wine, for example. So break out the alcohol to offer her, Kazuma!”

  Aqua reeled this off like one of those fake psychics you see on TV. While fixing her with a stare that let her know I smelled a rat, I asked Darkness and Megumin what they thought.

  “What do you think? Where d’you think she pulled out that ridiculous name and backstory? …You think she’s really okay? Or have we bitten off more than we can chew?”

  Silence.

  Maybe they were wondering the same thing, because neither of them answered my question.

  6

  It was past midnight.

  We’d all removed our armor and made ourselves comfortable in the mansion.

  After deciding who got which room, everyone moved their luggage in.

  For my part, I basically expected some kind of apparition to pop out at any moment, now that Aqua was living here.

  Or maybe they’d do us the favor of congregating in her room, since she seemed to hold such a special attraction for the undead.

  She was an Arch-priest and a goddess. Not the type to let some evil spirits run roughshod throug
h her own house.

  I was in the space I’d claimed for my own—the biggest room on the second floor—feeling relatively relaxed.

  “Yaaaah! Eyyaaaaahhh!”

  Until I heard screaming from our nominal protector, Aqua.

  “What’s wrong?! Hey, Aqua, what happened? Are you all right?!”

  I dashed down to Aqua’s room and pounded on the door.

  No answer. Thinking she must be in dire trouble, I burst through the door.

  To find…

  “Hrk… Sniff… K-Kazumaaaaa!”

  Aqua was in the middle of the room, clutching an empty wine bottle.

  …Sheesh.

  “Um…what happened? What are you doing with that bottle, anyway? And if you tell me all that yelling was just because you were drunk, I’m gonna douse you with Create Water to sober you up.”

  “I-it wasn’t! I’m not the one who drank this bottle! This was my special reserve; it cost a lot! I was so looking forward to having a nice little sip when I got out of the bath! But when I came back to my room, it was—it was…emptyyyyy!”

  Time for bed.

  “Oh, is that all? Okay, g’night, see you tomorrow.”

  “What?! Kazuma, wait! It was those evil spirits! This has to be their doing! Either it’s the feral ghosts who moved in or it’s the nobleman’s bastard daughter who lives here! It’s got to be one of them! I’m gonna go look around and sock any spirits I find!”

  I wasn’t sure there was even such a thing as feral ghosts, but if Aqua was going to get rid of them for us, I wasn’t going to stop her.

  “…What’s this? What’s going on?”

  “It’s rather late now; please keep it down. What is happening?”

  Darkness and Megumin showed up, presumably drawn by Aqua’s scream.

  “She thinks some ghost drank her special wine. She’s swearing vengeance. I’ve got some questions, like why a ghost would even drink alcohol, but it’d be a pain to ask, so I’m going to bed. You guys can handle the rest.”

  As I turned to leave, Aqua piled invective on me from behind, but I didn’t care. If the worst thing these specters did was drink her precious wine, as far as I was concerned, we could just leave them be.