Well, mother. You exceeded your timeline by six months. Congrats.
I almost forgot why I was here. I needed to find the diamond brooch and pick out the perfect ensemble for my mother’s last hurrah.
Stepping into her walk-in closet was a little nerve-wracking. It smelled like her and everywhere I looked there was an outfit or shoes that I could remember her wearing. Every time I saw her she had on a different outfit. That was one of the few ways we were similar. We had a strong admiration for fashion and all things fashion related.
Every time I saw her.
When was the last time I’d seen her? Oh my god. I hadn’t seen her since that day when I found out she was sick again. That was months ago. I’d been so busy with my gallery and trying to keep my marriage together that I hadn’t even called her. It’s not like we were ever super close or anything, but what kind of daughter didn’t go see her mother when she was dying of cancer?
Me…that’s who.
What kind of horrible person does that make me? The absolutely worst kind. I told her I wouldn’t be back and I wasn’t…until today.
As I brushed past her clothes on one side of the closet, one of her silk dresses fell from the padded hanger to my feet. Slowly, I leaned down and picked it up rubbing the light lavender material between my fingers. I brought the dress to my nose and inhaled the scent. Chanel No. 5. My mom’s perfume of choice. She’d worn that scent for as long as I could remember. It was so her.
Dropping to my knees I clasped the dress tightly in my hands and pulled it to my chest. As I looked down I noticed something wet falling on the dress. I looked up to the heavens for an answer. What was this wetness? That’s when I realized I was sobbing. The sobs were wracking through me. My chest was heaving and the tears wouldn’t stop bursting from my eyes.
Why?
Why’d she have to die?
Why didn’t she love me more than him?
Why didn’t Dad love her back?
Why didn’t Sterling love me anymore?
I was officially losing my shit, sitting on the floor of my mother’s closet, breaking down. This was not Skye Smith.
Skye Smith did not act this way.
Skye Smith was strong and always in control of every situation; however, right now it seemed like I wasn’t in control of anything. I hated this feeling. It needed to fucking stop, but for right now all I wanted to do was curl up on the cold tile closet floor, snuggle up with my mom’s dress and pretend that my entire life wasn’t falling apart and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
I woke up as I was being lifted from the floor. I immediately nuzzled into the chest of the man carrying me. Sterling. He was here. He would take away the pain, right? He would make everything okay, but what if he was already doing that for someone else? What if he really was cheating on me? Could I handle that betrayal?
I didn’t want to think about that right now. At this moment all I wanted was my husband to hold me and tell me everything would be okay.
***
When I awoke it took a few moments for me to realize where the hell I was.
Opening my eyes, I quickly snapped them shut. This room was way too bright for me to wake up to. I was used to my penthouse with the blackout curtains that I’d apparently become rather accustomed to.
I felt warmth radiating behind me and as I looked down I saw the wedding ring that I’d placed on Sterling’s finger not so long ago. His arm was draped over me as if he were holding me in place - grounding me. He was my rock. With him I felt safe. I felt like I could face another day. I tried to forget all of the things I’d been worried about last night. I just needed to focus on my mother’s funeral and surviving this. Then I would worry about Sterling and everything that was happening in our world.
The funeral was very elegant and widely attended, just like my mother would’ve expected. Sterling was by my side the entire time. My father had the audacity to call me the morning of the funeral and offer his condolences. He had lost his wife and the best he could do was offer his daughter a small amount of sympathy. There weren’t many feelings I had for my father, but respect had been one of them…until now. In the past week he’d lost all of it and he’d play hell ever earning it back. I didn’t need him in my life, however, I did need my husband. The talk was happening tonight, I just hoped that Sterling had the right answers to all of my questions.
“Sterling?” I motioned for him to sit down on the bed beside me. We were back at home and I had just changed into my sleeping gown. Tiff and I were sitting on the bed.
“Yeah, babe.”
“We need to talk.” Before he took his seat beside me on the bed, his eyes flashed with a spark of something I wasn’t used to seeing on his face - fear.
“We do?” He cocked an eyebrow at me quizzically.
“Yes, we do. I need to know what’s going on.” Before I could stop myself I blurted out, “I feel like I’m losing you and I don’t know how to get you back.”
Placing his hand on my face, he wiped away the tear that I didn’t even realize was there. “You aren’t losing me, Skye. I’m right here.”
I sniffled. “You are here right now, but when will you leave me again? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? I miss my husband, Sterling. And the hardest part about all of this, is that I don’t think you miss me when you’re gone.”
“What are you talking about? Of course I miss you when I’m away.”
“Why are you traveling so much all of a sudden?”
“Work. You know that, Skye. It’s the same reason that you travel a lot. I don’t ask you silly questions like this, why do you always have to think the worst of me?”
Sucking in a deep breath, I asked the one question that I was scared to death to hear the answer to. But I had to ask. “Are you sleeping with someone else? You don’t seem to want me anymore.”
He jumped up off the bed and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Before I could even think about what was happening, he came out of the bathroom and handed me a large pink box from my favorite lingerie store.
“I got this for you, but I thought it was a little crass to ask for sex from my wife when her mother had just died.”
Slowly I pulled the ribbon from the box and removed the lid. Inside was a gorgeous sheer black nightie. Exactly my style.
“Skye, I thought you understood that I love you. Why after two years of marriage have you decided that you can’t trust me? I don’t understand what’s going through your head. I know your upset about your mom, but you need to believe me when I tell you I love you.”
“Sterling, I believe that you love me, but it seems like you don’t want to spend time with me anymore. You’re never home.”
“And when I was home all the time, you were gone half the time scouring the world for fine art. Do you want me to sit at home and wait on you to come home? I’m not that type of man, and you’ve always known that.”
“I’m not weak, Sterling. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t give a shit about any of this, but my life feels like it’s spiraling downhill and I don’t know how to make it stop.” Sobs were racking my chest. “I can’t lose you too, Sterling. I couldn’t handle that. Please don’t leave me.” I threw my arms around his neck and sobbed into his shoulder.
“How many different ways can I tell you this? I am not leaving you, Skye. You’re mine, remember?”
I nodded as I pulled back and wiped my nose on the handkerchief Sterling handed me. “I’m a mess. Please forgive me for all of this.”
“Nothing to forgive, baby.” Pulling me back into his arms he held me tight. “Nothing at all.”
Chapter Five-
Five years later
“Where are you?” Sterling sounded really pissed.
Good. It was time for him to be pissed.
“Where are you, Sterling? It’s been what, three weeks since you’ve been home? Three fucking weeks without my husband and you thought what? I’d just be waiting at home for you. With a
hot meal on the stove and your suits pressed in the closet. I’ve got news for you asshole, I am not that kind of wife.”
“I know exactly what kind of wife you are. You are the kind of wife that does what her husband says, when her husband says it. So, get your pretty little ass home so I can punish you appropriately.”
“You know what, babe? I think I’m going to take a little trip. I’ll see you in about, uh, three weeks. How’s that sound?” Then I hung up the phone and went about my business.
I was actually sitting in my office looking over some bids I’d placed at an online auction. I was tired of Sterling’s shit. He was never home. His work was taking up all of his time and when he was home he seemed different. Preoccupied. It’s difficult to explain, but it was like he had to be with me, instead of wanted to be with me. Well, he didn’t have to do anything and I was ready to prove that to him.
“Lori?”
She didn’t answer, so I tried again. “Lori?”
Still no answer.
Where the hell was she?
I walked out into the gallery and she was nowhere to be found. Looking at her desk I noticed her purse and coat were gone, too. She left for the day without telling me? This had never happened before. The only time she ever left early was when I sent her home or the few times Sterling had come in mid-day and sent her away so we could have sex in my office or other parts of the gallery.
Remembering the way he used to make me feel, brought a smile to my face but it quickly dissipated when I thought back to our earlier conversation. This time it was over for good. I couldn’t take this anymore. I needed a husband who wanted to spend all of his time with me, not one that seemed to find ways to spend time away.
What the hell was that noise? It sounded like something fell toward the back of the gallery. Damn…I really hoped it wasn’t the new shelves we had recently hung back there to display some vases I was getting in next week from Taiwan.
Hurriedly, I ran toward the noise. When I got back there I saw a white blanket spread out on the floor with a silver tray in the middle with a bottle of champagne and a tray of chocolate covered strawberries on it. It took me back to our wedding night and I was back there watching Sterling as he picked it up and sat it on the bedside table. Sterling. He was here somewhere. Obviously.
Well, Sterling Smith could kiss my happy ass. I was done waiting for him to come home and pretend that he still wanted me. My whole life that’s all I’d ever experienced, from my family and friends. My parents pretended to want me around them and my friends did the same. They wanted me around for my money and my contacts. It was time for all of the pretending to stop.
“I know you’re here and I don’t know what you are trying to accomplish, but it’s not gonna work,” I yelled into the seemingly empty room.
Nothing. The room was silent and I looked all around but he was nowhere to be found. Pretty soon I heard the door to my office close. Heading back over there I noticed there were a dozen white roses in front of the door with a little baby blue box hanging from them.
“I don’t give a shit what you bought me, I don’t want it. When are you going to understand this? I don’t want you anymore, Sterling. I’m finally taking a page from your book. I’m not going to pretend anymore. You might as well come out, so we can get this over with. I think it’s time we talk about getting a divorce.”
Then I heard the cork pop on the champagne. When I came around the corner, Sterling was sitting on the blanket pouring champagne into two flutes.
“Did you hear me, Sterling?”
He grunted and continued pouring the champagne.
“I can’t live like this. I won’t live like this. I deserve better than this.”
Still nothing from Sterling. His ass never moved from the blanket and not a word escaped his lips.
“I really did love you, Sterling.”
With those words he grasped the bottle of champagne in his hands and threw it up against the wall. It shattered into a million pieces and the sparkling liquid spewed all over the wall. Then he swiped his hands across the tray on the blanket in front of him and the two flutes slammed into the wall and shattered. I shuddered as I watched the liquid seeping into the beautiful artwork hanging on the walls.
He stood up and stalked over to me. Grabbing me by the shoulders, he pulled me toward him until we were nose to nose.
“You did love me? What the fuck do you mean, you did?”
“I did love you.”
He shook me. “Stop fucking saying that. You still love me. I know you do.” His blue eyes were blazing with anger. “You can’t stop loving me, Skye. You’re mine. You’ll always be mine.”
Pulling out of his grip, I said, “No, Sterling. I was yours and I did love you. That is over. You killed all of that when you decided your work was more important than our marriage. I won’t have a marriage like my parents had. You’ve known that from the very beginning.”
Grabbing me again, he pulled me flush against him, then he slammed his lips to mine and rammed his tongue into my mouth. Nothing about this kiss said love, it was all about domination and possession. I stood there, still as a statue. I wasn’t going to let him do this to me. He wasn’t going to use sex to get to me. It wasn’t going to happen again.
“Come on, baby. Give it to me. Please, give me what I need, Skye,” he begged. He was nipping at my neck and then he bit into my shoulder. This was normally very erotic to me, but today it was making me nauseous. His hands were all over my body.
“Let me go, Sterling. Let me find someone who wants me. Please don’t do this to me. Please, let me go,” I cried.
I watched him step back. His eyes never left mine and I almost broke when I saw the tears welling up in them. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let him have this power over me. The days of me being dominated by Sterling Smith were over.
***
Today was the day. The day that Sterling would be served the papers. The few pieces of paper that would end our marriage. The marriage that I’d never realized I wanted, to the man who melted me body and soul. It was all over now. He could do whatever he needed to do.
It had been two weeks since the argument at the gallery. I hadn’t seen or heard from him since then. My lawyers wasted no time in drawing up the papers and today they were going to contact him and see where to deliver them to. I wasn’t even sure where my husband or I guess soon to be ex-husband was. Even though he had only been gone for two weeks, I’d been missing him for years.
Sitting on the couch in my huge living room, I snuggled up with Tiff and cried for the man that I lost. Then a thought hit me - was he crying for me? Or was he relieved? I didn’t really want to know the answer to that question, but I did want to know at the same time. I always could be a real glutton for punishment.
He didn’t even call me. No contact with me whatsoever. What the hell did that mean? I thought…I mean I hoped…I don’t know. I thought he would try to fix this again. I guess it never hit me that he would actually accept the divorce. I thought there would be more. More fighting. More talking. Just more. This proved to me that it was over. I hugged Tiff close and cried harder.
Skye and Sterling Smith were no more.
***
One week later
Sitting at home in my dark penthouse snuggling with Tiff was all that I’d been able to do since I signed the divorce papers. I didn’t want to go to the gallery, so Lori was taking care of that for me. Eating wasn’t a priority. I made sure Tiff had food, but I hadn’t eaten since…damn, I couldn’t even remember when I’d eaten last.
The phone started ringing and for some reason this time I decided to pick up.
“Skye?” I recognized the voice immediately, it was my lawyer Frank.
“Frank, is everything done? Did he sign?”
“Well, that’s what we need to talk about, hon. We can’t find him. We called him and asked him where to send the papers too, and after he called me a few colorful names through my secretary he informe
d us that if we could find him, he would sign them. We’ve been looking, but honestly we can’t find him anywhere. Do you have any idea where he’s staying?”
I thought about it for a moment and I really didn’t have any idea where he might be. “I don’t have a clue, Frank. What happens if he can’t be found?”
“Well, we’ll just worry about that later. I’ll keep looking and I’ll let you know what happens.”
“Thanks, Frank. For everything.” I sniffled. “I really appreciate this.”
“You’re more than just a client, Skye. Your mother and I were friends for years. I’ll always be here for anything you need. Never hesitate to ask.”
I hung up the phone and slunk further down into the sofa. Tiff licked my nose as if to ask me what was wrong. “Daddy isn’t ever coming home, Tiff. He left us,” I cried.
“He did? Because I was under the impression that mommy filed for divorce, not daddy.” Sterling dropped his suitcase down by the door and plodded over to the couch. “We need to fucking talk.”
“Time for talking is over.” I couldn’t even look at him. I stared at Tiff and played with her collar. “Sign the papers and let me go, Sterling.”
He dropped to his knees in front of me on the floor. “When in the hell did you take control of this relationship?”
My eyes finally made their way up to meet his gaze. “The day you decided to stop coming home.”
“I never stopped coming home, Skye. Never.” The look in his eyes melted a little. He no longer looked mad, he looked heartbroken.
“Sterling, did you cheat on me?”
He reached up and ran his palm along my jaw. Involuntarily, my eyes closed and I leaned into his touch.
“Skye, Sterling Smith is not a cheater. Sterling Smith would never cheat on you.”
“Then why don’t you love me anymore?” I cried. “Why, Sterling? Did you finally get bored with me and my spoiled ways? Did I do something wrong? I gave you everything. I changed so fucking much for you. I’m weak now. That’s because of you. This…” I motioned between us. “Would’ve meant nothing to me before I met you. I would’ve chalked it up to a bad experience and moved the hell on. But I can’t get over you, Sterling. I’ve tried to pretend that I don’t care, but it’s killing me to lose you.”
Four Letters Page 7
