Four Letters

by Lisa M. Harley

  “What are you doing, Adlee?”

  I reached up to kiss him again, and he pulled away from me.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I want to kiss you, Tanner. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a very long time.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, Tanner, I’m sure. I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

  Placing my hands on the bottom of his t-shirt, I slowly pulled it off over his head. I placed a soft kiss in the center of his chest.

  “Tanner, I want you to make love to me. I’ve wanted it for so long, but I was so screwed in the head.” My palm was rubbing up and down his chest. Staring down at his feet, I whispered, “I felt so broken and I didn’t want to bring you into that, but now I’m ready. I want this. I want this with you.”

  He put his finger under my chin and tilted my head up. “Look at me, Adlee,” he breathed. “I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time now. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to kiss you, but I knew it wasn’t the right time. I was so worried that I would hurt you. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.”

  “Hurt me?” Could he really believe anything he could do would hurt me? “Are you serious? You’re the only person in my world who’s never hurt me. I love you, Tanner. I love you so much. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved.”

  So many emotions passed across his face. I could tell he wanted me, but I could see the fear in his eyes too. He didn’t want to do anything that I didn’t want to do. I wanted this more than anything in the world. Dr. Shelby was right, I was ready for this.

  “I’ve wanted this so long, Adlee. Way too long. I promise to be gentle and if I do anything you don’t want me to, say the word and I’ll stop.”

  I nodded and then remembered that I’d been working outside when he got home. I was wearing an old pair of shorts, a holey t-shirt and no bra. I pulled back away from him and slowly pulled my shirt off over my head. Tossing it down to the floor I looked up and noticed Tanner’s gaze as it dropped down to my breasts. He ran his tongue slowly over his bottom lip.

  “I’ve waited so long to see those.” He smiled. “I’m gonna be honest, they were definitely worth the wait.”

  Leaning down he placed a feather light kiss on my breast while he took the other in his hand and gently squeezed. Never taking his eyes from mine, he muttered in between kisses, “So perfect. You are so absolutely perfect.”

  I pulled his face to mine. “Kiss me, Tanner. I wanna feel you.”

  Tentatively, he pressed his lips to mine. They were so warm and moved so smoothly against mine. He softly ran his tongue along my upper lip and then slowly slipped it into my mouth. It felt so good, so right to kiss him like this. We kissed for what seemed like hours. Tanner had walked us over to the bed and laid down beside me. Kissing was a big deal for me. This was a huge step and I had taken it with Tanner. His hands were on my breasts and his lips never left mine.

  “I could kiss you all night, Adlee. You have the sweetest lips I’ve ever tasted.”

  “I love it when you kiss me. You make me feel so special and loved.” I reached down and started to unzip my shorts.

  He grabbed my hands. “We don’t have to do that, Adlee. We can lay here and make out like teenagers all damn night, if that’s what you need.” He placed a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. “I could do this all night.”

  “I want to make love to you, Tanner.”

  “There’s nothing I want more, Adlee. I just want to make sure you’re ready for it, that’s all. Have you talked to Dr. Shelby about this?”

  “I have. She thinks I’m ready too.”

  “I’m not pressuring you, Adlee. We can take this as slow as you need to.”

  “How much slower can we go, Tanner? We’ve lived under the same roof for a year and this is the first time we’ve so much as kissed. I don’t think we can go any slower than that,” I laughed.

  “I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time, I just didn’t want to scare you. I knew all the shit you went through caused you to have some issues with members of my gender. I didn’t want you to think I was like them. I wanted you to understand that I would never do that to you.”

  “I understand your reasons, Tanner. I really do, but the time to talk has passed. It’s time for you to make love to me. Now.” I pulled my shorts and panties off and threw them to the floor. “I want to feel you inside me. Please, Tanner,” I begged and as I started to unzip Tanner’s jeans he stopped me.

  “I’ll take care of that.” He stood up off the bed and pulled his jeans and boxers off. Throwing them in the chair by the bed, he climbed back onto the bed with me. Lying down beside me he propped himself up on his elbow. With his other hand he slowly rubbed circles on my stomach. Moving his hand lower and lower until he was exactly where I wanted him to be, where I’d dreamed about him being. When his fingers started spreading my lips I shuddered.

  His fingers stopped moving and he stared into my eyes. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I’m perfect. This is what I want.” I placed my hand on his and guided him back down between my legs. He used one finger to circle my clit while another slowly slid inside me. I moaned and pressed my head back into the pillow. “More. I need more of you, Tanner.”

  He slid another finger inside of me while he kissed me. His tongue, mimicking the movements of his fingers.

  “Please, Tanner,” I begged.

  He positioned himself over me and I could feel him at my entrance. I wanted him there. I wanted to feel him inside me, but I was so scared.

  What if it felt like it did when Paul did it?

  What if this ruined everything for us?

  What if we did this and then he decided he didn’t love me anymore?

  My fear must’ve shown in my eyes, because Tanner stopped. He looked down at me through those long dark lashes.

  “Is this going to ruin everything?” I asked. “What if I can’t do it? What if you don’t want me anymore after?”

  “How could you even think that, sweetheart? I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time and nothing that happens in this room tonight is going to make me love you any less. It’s only going to make our love stronger.” He gently kissed my lips and looked longingly into my eyes.

  “I just got overwhelmed there for a minute. I’m ready now.”

  He slowly pushed his way inside me. It felt so good. It felt nothing like sex had felt before. I was wet and ready for him. He made me feel so good. He moved really slowly and kept a very steady pace. His eyes only left mine when he placed light kisses on my neck and breasts. Moving my hips to meet his caused a low groan to come from deep in his throat. I felt his fingers as he started to gently massage my clit as he thrust into me. The feelings were too much, but just enough all at the same time.

  “Oh, Tanner. I feel…I feel something…it’s…oh my god, Tanner.”

  I’d never experienced an orgasm before and I knew that I would never feel anything like that again. The feeling of warmth and pleasure swirled throughout my entire body. My eyes fluttered, my body shuddered, and my toes curled.

  “So beautiful, Adlee. Mine. You are mine,” Tanner groaned as he continued to move inside me.

  With a few more thrusts he came inside me. The feeling was nirvana. I’d never ever forget the way that felt. Never in my entire life. As I tried to catch my breath, he collapsed on top of me. I was crying and Tanner mistook my tears for sadness. There was nothing further from the truth. The tears streaming down my face were tears of pure joy, tears of freedom, tears cried as proof that Adlee was back. She was happy and in love and nothing could take that away from her. I loved this man more than anything else in the world.

  He rolled his weight off me and laid his head on my chest. “Was it okay for you, sweetheart?” He looked up at me and wiped a tear from my cheek. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

  I ran my hand through his hair and placed my palm on his cheek. “It was perfect, Tanner. You made it perfect.”

 
; “That was amazing, Adlee. Definitely worth waiting for. This is so cheesy, but I have to do it. This is not the most romantic way to ask this, but Adlee will you marry me?”

  “Are you serious?”

  “You bet your ass I am. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. Please say you’ll be my wife.”

  “I can’t imagine a more romantic proposal.”

  “Well, I can, but I already blew it. So are you gonna give me an answer or leave me to stew over it?”

  “Um…” I smiled. “Yes, I would love to be Mrs. Tanner Jones.”

  He grabbed my face and started placing little kisses all over. “Thank god…because I don’t think I could live another day thinking that you aren’t mine. I need to know that you are mine and only mine.”

  “I’m yours, Tanner. Only yours. For the rest of our lives.”

  ***

  Three months later

  This was a day that I’d never dreamed would come. If someone would have told me a couple of years ago that I would be marrying a sweet, honest, good man, I would’ve told them they were insane. That wasn’t my life. I wasn’t destined to be happy. I was destined to be sad and abused. Miserable. That was me. Welcome to the world of Adlee.

  Tanner had taken care of getting the marriage license and the local preacher had agreed to officiate the service. Pastor Hankins and his wife agreed to be our witnesses also. I hadn’t really made any friends here. After the childhood I had, I wasn’t really good at making friends, and Tanner had a few buddies in town, but none he really liked enough to ask to stand up with him. So, we decided to get married at the house in the huge backyard.

  Tanner built an arbor out of some recycled barn-wood we picked up at an auction. I hung purple wisteria at the top of either side of the arbor and intertwined it through the cracks in the wood down the sides. It looked absolutely gorgeous in the yard with the backdrop of trees and the vast field that we called a backyard. Everything was so lush and vibrant and green. The wisteria on the arbor stuck out and made me smile every time I looked outside.

  Tanner and I had driven into town to pick out our wedding clothes. We knew that it wouldn’t be fancy. There was no need. This wedding was just for us. We helped each other pick out our clothes. Tanner got a pair of black Wranglers and a deep, dark blue button up shirt. It made the blue in his eyes pop even more than it did all on its own.

  I wanted something really simple, but I did want a white dress. I can’t explain it, I just didn’t feel like I could get married in anything less.

  We went into a little vintage shop on Main Street and Tanner found the dress. When he lifted it up and held it against me, I just knew. It was the perfect dress. It came to a little above my knees. It was tight around my breasts and that part of the dress was covered in a layer of lace. It had little cap sleeves and the bottom flared into an a-line skirt. In my dreams I couldn’t have picked a better dress. I found some white wedge heels and I asked Tanner to stop at Hobby Lobby so I could get the stuff I needed to make a veil. I also picked up a white garter with some blue ribbon weaved through it that said, “Yours”. I thought Tanner would appreciate that.

  Today was the day. Pastor Hankins was going to be here at one o’clock. I worked all morning to get my long strawberry blonde curls up into a manageable style. I left a few small tendrils down on each side and I attached the veil to the top of my mess of curls with a silver and pearl comb.

  Make-up had never been my thing, but I did put on some pink lip gloss and a little bit of mascara.

  Slipping my dress over my head, I was careful not to get it caught on my veil. The last thing I did was pull on the garter that I bought for Tanner. As I slid it up my thigh, I couldn’t help but smile. He was going to love it.

  When I looked in the mirror I didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me.

  What the hell happened to the sad girl who used to live in this body?

  Was she really finally happy?

  Had happiness actually found her? Yes, yes it had and his name was Tanner Jones.

  When it was time to go downstairs, I walked out onto the front porch and as I looked out across the yard I saw Tanner standing under the arbor. He was waiting for me. The most handsome man I’d ever laid eyes on was waiting for me to become his wife. This was the happiest day of my life.

  Slowly I walked toward him clasping my small bouquet of daisies in front of me. The smile that spread across his face was contagious. I couldn’t quit smiling and neither could Pastor Hankins and his wife.

  “It makes my heart smile to see two kids as happy as ya’ll are,” Pastor Hankins said as I reached the arbor.

  Mrs. Hankins took the bouquet from me and Tanner placed his hands in mine.

  “I love you, Adlee,” he mouthed.

  “I love you more, Tanner,” I mouthed back.

  “We about ready to get this weddin’ goin’?” Pastor Hankins said as he wiped some sweat from his brow.

  It was a little warm out today, but I didn’t feel the summer heat, all I could feel was Tanner’s hands in mine and his eyes on me.

  Tanner broke our stare and turned his gaze onto Pastor Hankins. He smiled. “Yes, sir. Let’s get this show on the road.”

  I giggled, yes giggled. “Sounds like you’re awful ready to get tied down with my ball and chain.”

  Leaning in, he whispered in my ear, “I’ve never been more ready for anything, sweetheart. You are mine.”

  “I usually start this with dearly beloved we are gathered here today, but seein’ as we’re the only folks here I’m guessing we could skip some of the formalities.”

  “Could we skip to the ‘you may kiss the bride’ part?” Tanner asked with a smirk.

  “We might oughta get the ‘I do’s’ outta the way first,” Pastor Hankins laughed.

  “I do. Do you?” Tanner asked me.

  “Yep,” I responded.

  “Sounds like we got that part down. Now just say those magic words, Pastor.”

  Pastor Hankins chuckled. “Fine, but ya’ll are totally messin’ up a perfectly good weddin’. I now pronounce you husband and wife. Are ya at least gonna exchange rings?” He asked with a huff.

  Tanner and I slid our gold bands on each other’s ring fingers and then Pastor Hankins added a dramatic pause. Mrs. Hankins laughed and then he continued, “You may kiss the bride, Mr. Impatient.”

  “It’s about damn time.” Tanner’s lips met mine and as he pressed his body into mine I couldn’t help the moan that escaped my lips.

  “I’m thinkin’ we best be leavin’ these kids alone now, hon,” Pastor Hankins said as he took his wife by the arm and headed out to their car.

  “You think we scared them?” I asked.

  “They’ve got six kids, sweetheart. I’m pretty sure they know what caused them,” Tanner laughed.

  I know he didn’t mean to bring it up, but the fact that I could never give him a baby broke my heart. I wanted to be able to make him happy and give him everything he wanted. He apparently saw the sadness on my face. “Ah, Adlee. I didn’t mean anything by that.”

  Right after Tanner and I became a couple I’d told him about the surgery I’d had when I was younger and what the doctor’s had told me about never being able to have children. I told him that I hadn’t really cared when the doctor told me that because I didn’t plan on ever being with someone that I would want to have kids with. He knew how screwed in the head Paul had made me and after I told him this story his bedroom wall got another big ass hole in it. It killed Tanner to think about what Paul had done to me for all those years.

  “It kills me that we can’t have babies, Tanner. I feel like a failure as a woman and as a wife.”

  He placed his hand on my cheek and I leaned into his palm. “You definitely aren’t a failure, sweetheart. We’ve talked about this. Kids or no kids, we are meant to be. If we decide sometime, a long way down the road…,” he smiled, “that we want to have kids, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, but let’s
not start a flood today. No bridge needed at this time. Now let’s get in the house and enjoy our wedding day. We wouldn’t want to disappoint the Pastor now would we?”

  “I have a little surprise for you, Mr. Jones.”

  “Do you now, Mrs. Jones?” he asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

  I pulled away from him and very slowly raised the hem of my dress until he could see the lacey garter on my leg. His breath hitched.

  “Yours?” he asked.

  “All yours, forever,” I responded.

  “Amen!” He slammed his lips to mine and before I knew what was happening he’d scooped me up into his arms and was running into the house.

  “Put me down, Mr. Jones.”

  “Never, Mrs. Jones. “

  It was the happiest day of my life and the evening wasn’t half bad either.

  Chapter Five~

  Present

  Graduating beauty school was a huge accomplishment for me. Tanner attended my graduation a year ago and the look of pride on his face when I accepted my diploma brought a tear to my eye. It was a very small ceremony, but I’d missed out on my high school graduation, so he made sure to make this one really special. He surprised me and took the entire next week off from work and drove us down to the beach. I’d never been before and it was absolutely heavenly. He rented a house on the beach and we spent our days in the water and our nights making love. It was absolutely perfect.

  When we got home Tanner kept true to his word. He helped me take over the shop that Miss Rita, the other lady in town who did hair, had owned forever and a day, and thus Adlee’s Cut and Curl became a reality. Business was absolutely booming.

  Miss Rita’s clients were a little more old school. They were mostly older women who needed their weekly set and blow out, but I was getting the younger crowd in now. I’d been so busy before the last school dance that my feet hurt for a week. The younger girls had been driving into town to get their hair done. Miss Rita wasn’t real up on all the new styles and techniques, but there was nothing I enjoyed more than making a girl’s hair look exactly like she dreamed it would.