Four Letters

by Lisa M. Harley

  “I’ll fly out tonight.”

  “I’ll meet you there. Daniel?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you and I’ll be there for you the entire time.”

  “Thanks, Becca.” I hung up the phone and started making arrangements to get back to Chicago.

  In only two months I was supposed to graduate from college and then I would finally have my degree. I knew better than to be excited about anything. Excitement was usually quickly followed by something horrible that screwed with my head.

  My mom still lived in the same house I was raised in. The house my father had left us in so many years ago. The same house where she locked herself away and waited for him to come home.

  Dad attended the funeral and it was awkward to say the least.

  “Daniel, I’m so sorry,” he said, as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and squeezed.

  “For what? For leaving us? For taking the brightest light in the world and dimming it permanently? Or because she’s dead? Which thing are you sorry for, dear old dad?”

  I pulled away from him and stared across the funeral home at my beautiful mother lying in the rose gold casket that Becca had helped me pick out. She just looked like she was asleep. The fire had been extinguished before it made its way to her room. The initial speculation was correct; she died of smoke inhalation. Becca helped me pick out the dress for her to wear and I left her gold wedding band on her finger. She’d never taken it off and I wasn’t about to.

  It broke my heart to think of the way I’d left her, so upset with me and forcing me out of the house. I’d called religiously once a week and the conversation always ended the same way - with her telling me she’d let me know when dad came back so I could come visit. Well, guess what mom, he ain’t coming back.

  I believe that fate has a funny way of rearing her ugly head. I see now that Becca was right when she said ‘Everything happens for a reason’ because all of this did.

  “I’ve always loved her, Daniel. A part of me always will. Someday when you’ve fallen in love, you’ll understand.”

  “I’ll understand? How the fuck could I understand this?”

  “Keep your voice down, Daniel. You’re making a scene,” my dad chastised me.

  I raised my voice a little louder this time. “Really? I’m embarrassing you? You’re at the funeral for a woman who you screwed around on for years and then left. She turned into a zombie, just waiting for you to come back to her. I think you’re the fucking embarrassment. Get out!”

  Slowly my dad stood up, patted me on the shoulder, and walked out of the funeral home. That was the last time I saw him and if I never see him again, it will be too soon. He broke my mother’s heart when he left. She never remarried. She barely left the house. I blamed that all on him. She loved him and he left.

  After the funeral, Becca flew back to school and I flew home. A massive pity party was definitely in order. My mom had just died and I’d broken all ties with my father. I deserved this party.

  The booze flowed freely and the pizza delivery guy knew me by name. This was one of the times that I hated the fact that I was a loner with no real friends besides Becca. Honestly, I didn’t even have many acquaintances. In high school I was so wrapped up in my home life that I didn’t really make time for any friends, and in college I was so busy being the perfect student that I didn’t have time to go to parties or join a fraternity.

  I had no plans. I’d done what I was supposed to do, right?

  Having a degree was apparently vital, but I wasn’t sure what the hell I really wanted to do with my life.

  A job was probably a good idea, but why really? I mean, I was rich. Did I really need to work? But how long could I sit home on my ass drinking beer and eating pizza? This shit was getting real old, real quick. So, a month after my mother’s funeral I started looking for a job. I had no work experience, but by god I had a degree. That meant something, right?

  Quickly it was clear that a job was not in the cards for me. I didn’t want to do anything but sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I was getting really fucking good at it, so why make any unnecessary changes?

  Chapter Three~

  A few months later

  “Please explain to me again, why I need to wear a tux. Isn’t this just a business dinner?” I asked Becca as she reached up and straightened my tie.

  After, Becca graduated she got a job in marketing at a huge company in NYC, so she moved into the penthouse with me, and was slowly trying to pull me out of my horrible existence that I tried to pretend was a life. Becca was a stunning woman, very shapely in all the right places, and if she wasn’t my best friend, I might’ve tried to take a ride on that train. But she was and I would never do anything to screw that up.

  “Okay, let me explain this one more time. This isn’t just a dinner, it’s a party. A large majority of my clients will be in attendance and I need to make a good impression.” Becca cocked an eyebrow at me as she continued to fuss with my bow tie. She lightly ran her hands down my lapels to get out any errant wrinkles. “So, since you haven’t left the penthouse in what? A month? Two? Why don’t you go and try to enjoy yourself? Meet a nice girl, or boy, whichever suits your fancy now, and have some wild raucous sex.”

  “Why forevermore, Miss Davis. I am flabbergasted,” I chuckled. Leaning in so that my chin rested on her shoulder near her ear I whispered, “And I still like girls, not boys. Just for future reference.”

  “Well, how in the world would I remember? I’ve been your best friend for almost your entire life and I haven’t seen you go out on a date since high school. I was starting to think you were batting for the other team and didn’t want me to know your little secret.”

  “I have no secrets from you, Becca. None at all.” I placed a soft kiss on her cheek. “And I promise if the day ever comes that I meet someone special, I will tell you all about her. Her. Not him. Her. Got it?”

  “Yes, sir,” Becca giggled.

  “You don’t need me to go with you. You don’t have to bring a date.”

  “You are going with me, Daniel Raider.”

  “Daniel Raider. What if I don’t want to be him anymore? My life or lack thereof, is a fucking mess. I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.”

  “Stop saying crazy shit like that.”

  “It’s true. I have everything I could ever want or need, and I am so fucking miserable. I can’t stand it. I just wish I could leave it all and be someone else. Preferably someone who isn’t miserable.”

  Becca thought about what I’d said for a minute, then she said, “Okay, here’s what we are going to do. Tonight you are not going to be Daniel Raider…tonight you are going to be…” She looked all around the room and her eyes focused on a sterling silver tray on the dresser in her room. “Sterling, uh, Sterling…uh, Smith.”

  “Well, you’ve officially lost your damn mind,” I laughed.

  “You said you don’t want to be yourself anymore, so tonight you can pretend. Pretend to be someone else. There isn’t a more common name than Smith and Sterling’s kinda hot.” In her best Sean Connery impression she said, “Smith, Sterling Smith.”

  “You’re serious?”

  “Yeah. Why the hell not? You don’t know any of these people and I barely do. I didn’t tell them who I was bringing with me, and I’m gonna be so busy that I won’t be able to spend much time entertaining you, so you can find someone to entertain you while I’m schmoozing.”

  “This is fucking insane.”

  “Think about it, Daniel. It’ll be fun. You said you wanted to be someone else, Well, here’s your chance. Have fun with it.”

  Maybe she was right. This could be fun. I could try on a new persona for the night and maybe actually have some fun. Becca was the best friend a guy could have.

  As we climbed into the long black limo that was waiting in front of our building, I wondered what my mom would think of this or the fact that I hadn’t been on a date in over a year. I found myself wonderi
ng about her a lot. Missing her had become a very normal part of my routine.

  Being part of the hustle and bustle of New York City helped me move on and forget the ugliness of my past, but the one thing I couldn’t forget was that love hurt. Not only did I not want to hurt, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone else either. The last thing in the world I wanted was to be like my father.

  The ride to the party wasn’t long even with the hectic city traffic. When the limo came to a stop and the driver came around to open the door the sun was just setting and the sky was a vibrant shade of purple mixed with deep red. It was breathtaking, but not nearly as awe inspiring as the woman who I watched get out of the limo in front of ours. Luckily, she didn’t notice me staring at her as her long toned legs peeked through the slit in her slinky red dress while she climbed out of the back of the limo. I watched as an older gentleman took her arm in his and escorted her into the building. Her sleek black hair shined as the colors of sunset bore down on her. She was magnificent and before the night was through I planned to know a lot more about her.

  “Okay, Mr. Smith. Smile and have fun,” Becca said as she walked away to chat with a group of clients she recognized on the other side of the room.

  The party seemed to drag on and on. All I cared about was running into my mystery woman again, but all I seemed to do was talk with pretentious, annoying rich folks. Periodically scanning the room, and catching Becca flirting shamelessly with some client. The night couldn’t be considered a total loss for Becca, but it would be for me if I didn’t see her again. I had to talk to her.

  Out of the corner of my eye I caught a flash of red. Turning quickly, I found my mystery woman standing with some crotchety old man who was obviously trying to put the moves on her. Luckily, she looked bored out of her mind. The lady, I use that term loosely, that I was currently talking to wore way too much make-up and had been the proud recipient of more than her fair share of Botox injections. If she smiled her face would probably crack and crumble to the floor. It really was that bad.

  My eyes met the mystery woman’s gaze and my heart skipped a beat. Her eyes were so beautiful. They pulled me in and all I could think about was losing the fake chick and heading over to the real beauty across the room. When the corner of her mouth playfully lifted into a smirk I knew she would be trouble, but oh so worth it.

  As I walked over to her a thought occurred to me: I didn’t want to be Daniel Raider anymore. Becca’s idea was brilliant. Tonight I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to pretend that I was a different person, and just have a night of fun. A night that would end and then I could go back to my normal life. So when we had wild sex and she told me her name was Skye, I told her my name was Sterling.

  It was so easy to lie to her, but it didn’t really feel like a lie. Tonight I was Sterling Smith. I was a dominant, controlling man, who had the hottest sex of his life in a stairwell with one of the strongest women I’d ever met. She took my breath away.

  Of course I wanted to have sex with her…who wouldn’t? But there was so much more to her. I spent the entire night with her and the majority of the next day.

  When she asked me for my last name I blurted out Smith. Becca was right, you couldn’t get more common than that, right?

  I returned home late on Sunday evening, and it wasn’t until Monday morning when I finally climbed out of bed and headed downstairs that I saw Becca. She was sitting at the bar in the kitchen waiting for me.

  “Um, did we have a nice weekend, Mr. Smith?”

  I grinned. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

  “Oh my goodness! You’re smiling and it’s a real smile, not that thing you plaster on every day. You got laid didn’t you?”

  I raised an eyebrow and smirked.

  “You did. You finally got some. Thank goodness!” She screamed a little too loudly.

  “Could you quiet down a little? I think the people downstairs could hear you.”

  “Well, I was beginning to think you were turning into a monk or something. I was sure you were practicing abstinence for a reason, I just couldn’t figure out the reason.”

  “It won’t be a repeat performance. It was more like a one hit wonder,” I laughed.

  “Why? What’s wrong with her? Clingy? Annoying? Ugly under the harsh morning light?”

  “Nope. None of the above. I’m just not looking for anything real, you know? I didn’t even tell her my real name for Christ’s sake.”

  “I know, but did she enjoy it too?”

  “Hell yes, she did. You were right, it was really great having a night where I didn’t have to be myself. It was a damn good idea actually.”

  “Did you give her your phone number? Tell her where you live? Any details?”

  I shook my head.

  “What if she wants to find you?”

  “You think I rocked her world that hard?”

  “Funny guy. That’s you, Mr. Funny. I didn’t peg you as a fuck and bale kinda guy. Have you changed that much since high school?”

  “Becca, up until a couple of days ago you were worried I was batting for the other team. I really don’t think you know much about my fuck style.”

  “Okay, fine. Maybe I don’t, but you didn’t used to be that kind of guy,” she said taking her coffee into the living room and plopping down on the couch.

  She had a valid point.

  Had I turned into that type of guy?

  What the hell had I done?

  Fucked and ran?

  Why?

  I really liked Skye. She seemed like the kind of woman I could spend time with and not be bored out of my mind, but I had no plans to ever get married. My father had skewed my ideas on marriage.

  I sat at home all morning pondering what I’d done this weekend. Remembering every touch from Skye and the feel of her skin against mine. The way she moaned when she finally let go and gave in.

  I became a completely different man with her. I was dominant - I made her submit to me and damn I enjoyed every minute of it. In the short time we were together I could tell she was the type of woman who was used to being in control, but when she finally handed the power over to me it was the most amazing experience of my life.

  I heard an unfamiliar sound coming from my pants. Was that rap music? Digging my phone out of my pocket, I looked at the screen and saw a number I didn’t recognize to go along with my new outrageous ringtone.

  “Hello?”

  “Was that a question?” I heard the purr of a very familiar voice. One that had been screaming my name in pleasure this weekend.

  “How’d you get my number?”

  “Is that all you know how to do? Ask questions.”

  “Oh baby, I think we both know that I know how to do a lot more than that.”

  Where the hell did that come from?

  From Sterling, that’s where it came from.

  I could hear her laugh over the line. “So, do you miss me yet?”

  How was I supposed to answer that question?

  Sure, I missed her, but did I want to be that guy? The guy that starts something with someone with no intentions of that happily ever after that all women are after. I really did miss her though.

  What would it hurt to spend more time with her?

  She didn’t even know my real name. She had my cell phone number, but really that was all she knew about me. I assumed she got the number from my phone when I took a shower before leaving her place.

  I answered honestly, “Yes, I do miss you. Do you miss me?”

  “Would I have called you if I didn’t?”

  “Point taken.” We were both silent for a moment. Then I said, “So what should we do about this situation?”

  “I was thinking maybe you should come over to my place. I could order some fab takeout and you could help me figure out how to get out of this new lingerie I bought today. I’m so confused. It has all of these ties. All over my body. There are so many places that it has to be untied to take it off. It could be a long, tedious pr
ocess.”

  Holy shit!

  This woman was going to be the death of me.

  “I’ll be there tonight at seven. Wait for me. Don’t take anything off until I get there.”

  “But that’s so far away. I don’t know if I can wait that long. You know, to get undressed.”

  “Baby, you are so damn naughty. How about I come over and eat lunch instead?”

  “Sounds great. I just have one more question.”

  “Yes, baby?”

  “Do we have to eat food?” She snickered.

  “Noon,” I growled as I pressed end on the call and slipped my phone into my pocket.

  “What’s happening at noon?” Becca strolled into the living room and plopped her ass on the coffee table in front of the couch.

  “Nothing.”

  “Right. Nothing. That’s why you’re flushed and…” She leaned up and leered at my crotch. “Have a bulge the size of Texas in your pants.”

  I smirked. “Really? You think my bulge is that big?”

  She slapped me on the shoulder and said, “Apparently, she enjoyed your bulge as much as you enjoyed giving it to her. Maybe you should think about coming clean and giving her your real name.” Becca stood up. “I gotta go into work for a bit, I’ll see ya later.”

  As she walked out the door and left the apartment I realized she was right, I needed to tell Skye my real name. I still couldn’t believe that I’d actually given her an alias. What really bothered me was how easily I became someone else. There was no faltering. When I was with Skye, I was Sterling Smith. She didn’t know anything different, and she liked him. She wanted him. She wanted Sterling, not Daniel.

  ***

  Six Months Later

  “What are you doing, Daniel? Why are you doing this?” Becca asked. She was sitting across from me at a restaurant down the street from her office.

  “I love her, Becca. She’s what I need in my life.”

  “Then tell her who you really are. You can’t marry her as Sterling Smith. You are not Sterling Smith, Daniel.” She shook her head at me and took a long sip from her lunchtime martini. “How did you even get a marriage license?”