Remember My Love

by Elise Dee Beraru

  What did disturb him was his attraction to Adele seemed to grow exponentially. He couldn't reconcile his decision regarding abstinence and the fact that just being near her aroused him beyond standing. Thoughts of her invaded his concentration. The desire to carry her into his bed and make love to her until his pain went away was overpowering. Knowing she would willingly accept his attention made things worse. He was in love with Adele and suspected that she might feel the same towards him. Love scared him to death.

  The only solution was to keep his distance, stay away from the house as much as possible, try to pretend she was one of those women he disdained. He tried to fortify his decision with whisky, but the hangovers did not help his mood. He could not know Adele Strange and mistake her for a frivolous, ornamental woman. She was not Alabama and she was not Julia. This woman gave, not took. Trying to lessen her quality in his mind because of her willingness to be his lover simply did not work. He could not make her less than she was. He had met his equal, not in wealth or education, but in strength and resolve, and that very equality made him love her more.

  Neither did the whisky make his dark angel dreams go away. She cried more now, his angel did. They were the tears Blair himself wanted to shed, but would not. He woke up at dawn with a pounding head and an empty feeling in his gut, like a starving man. He responded by being cynical and sarcastic with everyone, as if he just did not care what anyone thought of him. He thought even less of himself.

  For her part, Adele felt as if someone was stomping on what was left of her heart. Every time she got anywhere near Blair he either made a cynical comment about women in general or walked in the opposite direction. Yet she could feel his eyes burning into her back as she walked away from him. She watched his increasing pain and his concerted efforts to deny his feelings. She saw in his stormy eyes the vulnerability of the man who had admitted, to his shame, that he didn't know how to chop wood. She suspected Blair was falling in love with her again but trying very hard to deny it. Adele had never stopped loving this man, even when she realized he did not know her. She felt empty and lost in her lonely bed.

  She tended to the children, sewed and repaired their garments and read more than she ever had the opportunity before. Occasionally, Molly would agree to watch the children and Adele would meet Susannah or Stephen or both for lunch, usually in Chinatown. It was a good break from the tension, but she wasn't really good company.

  As for the lovers, Stephen and Susannah got more bold in their attentions. Having made the decision to marry, and realizing that keeping their relationship a secret from Blair was no longer necessary, they were often caught kissing on the stairs and went on their dates openly. The only thing they kept secret from Blair and the household staff was that they were sleeping together almost every night--the hardest part was Susannah having to wake up at four to get back to her room before anyone else woke up. Fortunately, she never did get caught, because things being the way they were, Blair would have been unlikely to forgive her as his sister-in-law-to-be and think it some kind of manipulation on the part of Adele.

  One day, in frustration, Adele even sought out a doctor. What he told her wasn't encouraging. Although there was archaeological evidence of brain surgeries being performed in Ancient Egypt, modern medicine knew very little about the real operations of the brain. What multiple head trauma had done to Blair Carroll's memory was not unheard of, but the length of the amnesias was unusual. The doctor did affirm that amnesia victims did sometimes have "dreams" of the seemingly forgotten memories, and that this was a good sign, because it meant the memories were buried, but not truly lost and therefore might return.

  "I guess my question is; will I get my husband back?"

  "Mrs. Strange, my best guess is that eventually the demeanor you identify as your husband and that of man you see now will merge into a whole. What you will likely get is a man who remembers nearly everything, but is a combination of the two men. With any luck, you will get the best of both. All it will take is time."

  "Doctor, can I do anything to speed up the process? This is slowly driving me mad."

  "Well," the doctor chuckled, "Short of hitting him in the head again and hoping for the best...I'm sorry, no. You can encourage him to talk about his dreams and prompt him to fill in the blanks himself, but his memories are going to have to come from him; time is the only cure--if there is one."

  Not encouraging news--to say the least.

  "WHAT DID THE doctor say?" asked Stephen over lunch.

  "He said I could hit him over the head again...No, I didn't laugh either. He said I could talk to him about his dreams, encourage him to fill in the blanks."

  "How are you going to do that? He's barely speaking to you."

  "I know. It seems that my little seduction plan didn't work. Now he thinks I'm some kind of unfaithful hussy. I'm probably the first woman in history to cheat on my husband by sleeping with my husband! None of this makes sense anymore. Maybe I should just take Bea and go home. I don't belong here."

  "Don't do anything rash."

  "Stephen, the last thing I'm being is rash. I've been trying to deal with this since December. All I've succeeded in doing is making Blair angry, myself depressed, and throwing you, Susannah and Blair's little boy into the mire. Maybe if Bea and I go home now, Blair will stop avoiding Josh in order to avoid me, you and Susannah can get married and start your life together and Bea and I can have a happy life."

  Stephen reached across the table and took Adele's hands in his. Looking evenly into her sad brown eyes, he said, "I love you, big sister. If you're going to leave, do it quickly and quietly as soon as you can make the arrangements. I'll make sure Carroll money supports you. Don't refuse it, it's your right as well as Bea's even if you deny it. You have a valid marriage and California law will support your claim."

  Adele frowned. "Do you want me to leave?"

  Stephen's eyes widened. "Of course not. But I can see that this is tearing you apart. Going on like you have been will kill you and what good will that be for Bea?"

  "What do I tell Susannah?"

  "Don't tell Susannah, send her a letter. I love her dearly, but she can be less than judicious. If she tries to talk you out of it, word will get around to Blair before you want it to. Include me in that letter as if I didn't know. Don't tell Blair either, just go back to your home in Wyoming. Send any correspondence to my office. I'll make sure Susannah and Joshua get anything for them. I'll arrange with Jennings and Lopez to get your trunk downstairs and you to the station, just let me know the date you're leaving."

  "I may go back to using Stoddard."

  "That's up to you. Just take good care of my niece and let her know that her Uncle Stephen loves her."

  As Adele left the restaurant, she kissed Stephen on the cheek. "If anything good has come out of this debacle, it's knowing you, little brother. What a wonderful father you'll make."

  "Believe me, Adele, I look forward to the opportunity."

  A FEW DAYS after that, Adele sat down in the rocking chair and lifted Joshua onto her lap.

  "Joshua, I made you a promise once that I would tell you if I was going to leave this house. I can no longer remain here. I want to go home to my farm in Wyoming, so I'm taking Beatrice and going home tomorrow."

  Big, tear-filled gray eyes looked up at her. "Why do you have to go? Don't you love me anymore?"

  Adele put her arms around Joshua and held him close to her. "Of course I love you, darling--and I always will. You're as dear to me as my Beatrice--but there are a lot of reasons why I have to go."

  The little boy sat there for a while. Then he asked, "Miss Adele, do you love my Daddy?"

  "Yes, honey, I do."

  "Does he love you?"

  "He did once. I don't know for certain now."

  "You could marry him. Then you wouldn't have to leave."

  "Your daddy doesn't feel free to ask me, even if he wanted to. And don't ask me why because I can't tell you simply enough for you to understand.<
br />
  "Now, Josh, you mustn't tell your daddy, but Lopez is taking me to the station tomorrow morning after he comes back from taking your daddy and Uncle Stephen to their office. I want you to be a good boy for your daddy. Help him so he won't be so sad and alone. He's going to need you much more now...."

  THE NEXT MORNING, Adele bathed, dressed and packed the remainder of her things in her old trunk. Some things didn't seem to be where she remembered putting them, but Adele assumed that in the wake of her strong emotions she had just forgotten exactly where she put them when she packed the night before. The last thing she packed before locking the trunk was the Wedding Morning drawing. Closing the trunk was like closing a chapter of her life, except that her book of life would be very empty from now on.

  About ten that morning Lopez and Jennings loaded the trunk and the cat basket in the carriage and Adele and Beatrice got in for the ride to the station.

  "Señora Estrange, I think you make a big mistake to leave like this," said Lopez, surprising Adele, since the stocky driver had never really spoken to her before.

  "It's possible, Mr. Lopez, but if it's a mistake, I'm prepared to live with it."

  "Señora, I am the driver for this family twenty-five years. I know Señor Blair and Señor Esteban since they are muchachos. Señor Blair, he is change since you come. I think he is in love with you. Señor Esteban, he shows how he feels too easily. With Señor Blair, he is confuse. He has hidden how he feel about things for so long he does not know how to show them."

  "Mr. Lopez, if Mr. Carroll is in love with me, he has an awfully hateful way of expressing it. I know you think highly of your employers, but remaining here is killing me. I can't be good for my daughter if I am dying inside. I don't wish to speak of this anymore. I appreciate your taking me to the station."

  "I CAN'T BELIEVE she did it."

  "What are you talking about, Susannah?" asked Stephen.

  Susannah walked into the parlor carrying a letter that she had found on her dressing table, when she'd gotten home from drawing in the park. "Adele--she's gone home."

  "Home?" echoed Stephen, as if this was a surprise.

  Susannah held out the letter. "Read it, darling. It's addressed to both of us. I'm going back upstairs to the nursery. Joshua must be beside himself. Molly said he hasn't been out of his room all day."

  Stephen sat down on the settee, his long legs stretched out in front of him.

  He read:

  Dearest Susannah and Stephen,

  I have decided enough is enough. I must release Blair to live as he would have had our paths never crossed. I must accept that Brian Strange was nothing more than the dream of a lonely, too tall, old maid who never really believed love would fall into her arms. It seems I was correct in the first place. But as with all dreams, I have awakened.

  I will make do--I always have and I always will. Beatrice will know her mother loves her and that she once had a father who loved her dearly.

  I had a dream that Brian returned the night you became engaged. For a few precious hours I was happy again, but in the morning he was gone. All that was left was Blair Carroll, who will never allow himself to love anyone as much as my Brian loved me.

  Stephen, be good to my sister. I have tried to bring her up to be a loving woman. When she loves deeply it shows in her art. Cherish her and encourage her.

  Susannah, you have found yourself a treasure beyond price. Fill your life with his love. Cherish him and hold him close. I'm sorry to miss your wedding. I suppose you'll have to go to a dressmaker after all. But then, you're marrying one of the San Francisco Carrolls. You deserve a wedding gown that will make the society column of the Chronicle, not a homemade gown from your rustic older sister.

  Please watch over Joshua. He is a beautiful child who deserves better than fate has dealt him so far. More than anything I will miss watching him grow. Give him freedom to dream.

  I ask only one additional favor: Don't tell Blair where I am. If he finds his missing years, he will know where to find me himself--if he wants to.

  With all my love,

  Adele Stoddard.

  SUSANNAH CAME downstairs, her brow knit with worry. "He's not in the nursery. No one has seen him all day."

  "Who hasn't been seen all day?" Blair stood in the doorway.

  "Joshua. Molly thought he was hiding in the nursery, but I just came down from there and he's not there."

  "Maybe he went shopping with Adele," Blair suggested.

  Stephen took a quick glance at Susannah. "I doubt it, big brother."

  "I'm sure he'll turn up when he gets hungry--unless he's in my office chasing after that benighted tomcat. I'll get him out of there before he knocks over something," and Blair headed up the stairs.

  Stephen drew Susannah into his arms. "What do you think?"

  "You don't think Joshua tried to follow her to the station, do you?" Susannah continued tearfully, "She didn't even tell me she was leaving. Oh, Stephen, I've been so selfish. I've been so happy about us lately I've barely noticed how hard things must have been for Adele."

  Stephen stroked Susannah's back. "She doesn't begrudge your happiness, sweetheart. I think she remembers what it was to be happy in love."

  JOSHUA WAS NOT in the office, but on the seat of a wing chair was an envelope addressed to Blair. He sat down and tore it open.

  To his surprise, along with the stationery a small iron circlet fell out, a ring wrought from a horseshoe nail. He held it in his palm like an alien thing as he read:

  Dear Blair,

  I had a dark angel of my own once, with laughing silver eyes and hair like midnight. He gave me this ring because sometimes an axle is more valuable than gold. My angel is gone now, so I no longer need to wear his ring.

  You once told Joshua that a ring could remind you of what you had forgotten. I can only hope for your sake that you were right about that. If this ring answers those questions, you will know what to do.

  Be good to your son. Cherish his love and try to return it. You will receive more than you can ever hope to give.

  Adele Stoddard.

  A pounding began in Blair's head. He squeezed the little circle until it left an indentation in his palm.

  "Did I know you before, Adele? God damn it, why can't I remember?" he groaned.

  "Blair, he's nowhere in the house." Stephen was standing at the office door.

  "He?" Blair asked absently.

  "Your son," Stephen emphasized, annoyed.

  Blair threw open his office window and bellowed, "Lopez!"

  From the carriage house, the stocky Mexican came out, "Sì, Señor Blair."

  "How did Mrs. Strange get to the train station?"

  "She ask me and I drive her, Señor."

  "Did you take Joshua with you?"

  "No, Señor, only her hija and the gatito."

  "Lopez, get dressed and get a policeman here immediately. My son has disappeared."

  SPRING HAD COME to the mountains. The snow was all but gone and green was rioting everywhere.

  Beatrice was staring out the train window, completely fascinated by the brilliant display passing before her. She kept tugging on her mother's sleeve and pointing. The train had left Carson City at dawn and would soon be entering the desert, where the scenery would change from green to gold.

  Adele barely noticed. Heartbroken, she stared unfocused at the empty seats facing her, glad no one was there to chatter and demand her society. She could discern the baby words of her daughter and the unhappy protesting of the imprisoned Little Gent, but responded to Beatrice by rote. The stern-faced conductor had to shake her shoulder several times to get her attention.

  "Are you Mrs. Strange?"

  "Yes, sir; is there a problem?"

  "Will you accompany me to the baggage car at once, Ma'am?"

  Adele picked up Beatrice and followed the conductor back several cars to the dark railroad car, piled high with trunks and crates.

  "There is a strange sound coming from your trunk, m
a'am. I need your keys to investigate."

  Adele fumbled in her pocket for the key, hampered by the squirming of the baby. She handed the key to the conductor, who unlocked the trunk and lifted the lid. The contents were moving!

  "All right, come out now," commanded the conductor, "and don't try anything funny."

  A little hand pushed aside a quilt in the trunk.

  "Joshua! What in heaven's name are you doing in there? You can't come with me. You're supposed to be with your father."

  Joshua glared at the conductor and then at Adele. The conductor pulled him bodily out of the trunk, dripping clothing behind him. The minute the conductor put him down, he ran to Adele and buried her face in her skirts.

  "Oh, Mommy," he cried, "please take me with you."

  Mommy?

  "Joshua...."

  He sobbed, "Please don't make me go back to Daddy. Please take me with you, Mommy."

  The conductor looked at the two children clinging to Adele. Both had the same black curls and gray eyes. His eyes softened.

  "Your man divorce you and decide to keep the boy, ma'am?"

  Adele shrugged. She would never be able to explain.

  The conductor shut the trunk lid and locked it again, handing Adele back her key. "I don't hold much for divorcing, ma'am, but it seems a shame to separate a brother and sister like this."

  "See, Mommy," said Joshua, "The man says I should go with you."

  "Ma'am, there's a telegraph and ticket agent in Eureka. I'm afraid he's going to be a half fare at his age--can you pay the fare?"

  "Yes, I have enough money--and to telegraph his father to tell him where he is."

  The conductor stooped down and looked Joshua square in the eye. "Now you see here, young man, that was a very foolish thing you've done. I'll bet your Pa is scared to death wondering where you are--not to mention the scare you've given your Ma here. Don't ever let me catch you sneaking onto a train again."