In Her Shadow

by Mark Edwards

  She put the computer to sleep and went down. He was already in the kitchen, opening a bottle of wine. He smelled faintly of cigarettes and chewing gum, the latter intended to disguise the former.

  ‘Have I missed dinner?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m not hungry. I can make you something, though . . .’ Act normal, she told herself.

  He held up his wine glass. ‘It’s fine. This will do. Jesus, what a day.’

  ‘Can I talk to you about something?’ she asked, keeping her distance from him. ‘You know Izzy’s website . . .’

  ‘Sure. But I need to sit down.’

  He trudged through into the living room. Before Jessica could enter the room, Felix ran downstairs and nipped in front of her, talking animatedly about some football match or other. Jessica watched them from the doorway, not really listening to the words. Felix worshipped his dad. What would he do if he found out he was a murderer? If Will was sent to prison? In her rush to discover the truth, to follow up on what Olivia had said, she had barely considered the aftermath.

  Felix ran back upstairs and Jessica went into the living room and sat next to Will. He was leaning back now, face turned towards the ceiling. His hair was sticking up and there were bags under his eyes.

  ‘I hate computers,’ he said. ‘I hate the internet, I hate all our clients, I hate my boss and I hate everyone I work with.’

  ‘That bad, eh?’

  ‘Yeah. But I love you.’

  She couldn’t bring herself to say it back.

  He sat up. ‘Anyway, what did you want to talk about? Something about Izzy’s website? It’s not still up, is it?’

  He took out his phone to look but she stopped him. ‘No. I wanted to talk about the photos you took of her.’

  He put the phone down. ‘For the site?’

  ‘Yes. Except you took a lot more, didn’t you? I found them on your iMac.’

  He frowned. ‘Yeah. Well, I had to take a lot so we could choose a few to use. They were good photos, actually. Maybe I should give up this web development lark and become a pro photographer.’

  Will stood up.

  ‘Where are you going?’ Jessica asked.

  ‘Upstairs. I want to take a look at them.’ He left the room and was halfway up the stairs before she could react. This wasn’t going how she’d anticipated.

  In his office he woke the computer and sat at the desk. The picture of Izzy on the balcony was on the screen.

  ‘Wow,’ he said. ‘I’d forgotten about this one.’

  Jessica stood behind him. ‘She was beautiful, wasn’t she?’

  ‘Yeah.’ A pause. ‘I mean, not as beautiful as you.’

  ‘You don’t need to lie,’ Jessica said. ‘I know she was more attractive than me. It was always the same. The boys always wanted to go out with her. And now here she is, frozen in time, forever young, while I get older and uglier.’ She could feel the conversation slipping from her control. She hadn’t meant to say that. She was meant to be nudging him towards saying something incriminating.

  Will turned on his chair. ‘Seriously, Jess, Izzy wasn’t my type and you are not getting ugly. I hate it when you say things like that. To me, you’re the most gorgeous, sexy woman on the planet. There was this night . . .’ He looked away, not finishing the sentence.

  ‘What?’

  He grimaced. Oh God, what was he going to say?

  But then he smiled. ‘I feel awkward talking about it. But I went round to talk to Izzy about her site and she started telling me all about – what was it called – Blissful Massage. She had this plastic model of a vagina and she started touching it, showing me what they did in her classes. That was . . . well, that was the night Olivia was conceived.’

  The rest of it rushed out. ‘I don’t think we’d . . . done it for a while, because of the whole trying-to-conceive thing, and watching Izzy do that, hearing her talk about sex and pleasure, it struck me – what you and I used to have, how great it used to be between us. I rushed home, praying you wouldn’t already be asleep, desperate to take you to bed. To make you feel how Izzy described. To feel that passion again.’ He grinned sheepishly. ‘And it worked, didn’t it? That was the best sex we ever had.’

  Jessica stared at him, the memory coming back to her: how he had kissed her with a hunger he hadn’t displayed since the early days of their marriage. He had spent a lot of time, an unusual amount – especially in those days when it was all about sperm meeting egg – on foreplay, making her come twice. A few weeks later she’d discovered she was pregnant and the joy of it, the fear that the pregnancy wouldn’t ‘stick’, had blown away the memory of the sex that had led to it.

  ‘I can’t believe you think you’re less attractive than Isabel was,’ he said.

  ‘I was always less attractive than her.’

  He shook his head, exasperated. ‘You’re wrong, Jess. You’re gorgeous. You always have been. And I really don’t want to say anything negative about Izzy but you’re funnier than she ever was. Warmer. More . . . I don’t know how to put it. More rounded. More real. Don’t get me wrong, Izzy was lovely once you got to know her, but she didn’t shine as brightly as you. Not to me, anyway.’

  She was thrown into confusion. Was she completely wrong about him and Izzy? Now was the time to ask him, to tell him about the seance. But before she could speak he leaned forward and kissed her on the mouth.

  ‘You always acted like you were in her shadow. And you’re still doing it. It’s time you stopped.’

  She was speechless. Because he was right. She did always feel that she was in Izzy’s shadow. Izzy had always been older and cooler, and when they grew up Izzy had been wealthier and more professionally successful. Izzy had always known what she wanted and gone out and got it, while Jessica had just kind of drifted along, ticking off all life’s predictable milestones – cohabitation, career, marriage, kids – without even thinking about it. Jessica had always compared herself to her big sister and found herself wanting.

  Will had said the words that she had always longed to hear. But was he being genuine or was it all an act?

  Before she could think about how to figure this out, he turned back to the computer and looked at the photo again.

  ‘I took another one like this, but the other way round,’ he said. ‘She was blurred but the background was clear. It was meant to be arty. Where is it?’

  He clicked through the photos. Jessica got up and stood behind him, still trying to find a way to broach the subject of what Olivia had done.

  ‘Here it is,’ he said. The picture showed Izzy on her balcony, as before, but with her features blurred. The background was crisp and clear, depicting a bright winter’s day, the garden and street beyond in sharp focus.

  ‘Will,’ she began, ‘I need to ask you . . .’

  And then she saw it and the words – and the need to speak them – vanished.

  ‘Oh my God,’ she said, stepping around him and touching the screen with a fingertip.

  ‘What is it?’ he asked, but he saw it at the same time.

  There was a figure standing in the cul-de-sac, just beyond the fence at the bottom of Izzy’s garden. A man. There was something black obscuring his face. She zoomed in, and could just about make out that one of his arms was raised.

  ‘He’s holding something,’ she said. ‘What is it? Binoculars?’

  Will peered closer. ‘No. I think it might be a camera.’

  Chapter 31

  ‘Are you certain?’ Jessica asked.

  ‘I’m not a hundred per cent, but it looks like a camera. Quite a chunky one. I think that’s a telescopic lens.’

  ‘Oh . . .’ Jessica put her hand on her forehead. ‘Someone was watching Izzy’s house. Spying on her.’

  Jessica looked at her husband, suddenly doubting everything, a sick sensation creeping into her belly.

  She was so confused. Hearing the way he’d talked about Isabel – and her – and now this, seeing a man watching Izzy, taking photographs . . . She could
feel the house of cards she’d built in her head, the conviction that he had cheated on her and murdered her sister, begin to topple.

  ‘What if Izzy had a stalker?’ Jessica said. ‘Surely that would make him the number-one suspect.’

  ‘Suspect? But the police said it was an accident.’

  ‘Only because they didn’t have any evidence to suggest otherwise.’

  He swore. He looked genuinely shocked, in a way that he would never have been able to fake. And the house of cards collapsed.

  She watched Will, who had turned back to the photo of Isabel. She had made a mistake. A terrible mistake. She had believed some stupid game. Izzy’s spirit hadn’t told Olivia to spell out Daddy. Olivia had done it herself, eager to please, going along with the game. Daddy, the first word she had ever spoken, was one of the only words she could spell.

  Will hadn’t killed Isabel. He was innocent.

  ‘Jessica?’ he said. ‘What is it?’

  How could she tell him she’d thought he’d cheated on her and murdered her sister? Her cheeks burned and tears pricked her eyes. Maybe later, when she was closer to the truth, when she understood more, she would tell him. But not now.

  Now, all she said was, ‘I’m freaked out, that’s all.’

  ‘We should go to the police, show them this picture, tell them someone was watching Izzy. Maybe they’ll reopen the case.’

  ‘I’ll do it tomorrow.’

  She put her arms around him and held him tight. Beneath her breath she whispered, ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘How is she?’ Mrs Rose asked the next morning, as Olivia scurried into the classroom to hang up her bag and coat.

  Jessica made a noncommittal noise. Ryan was over the other side of the classroom. During the night it had struck her that he might say something to Will about the seance when he next saw him. She needed to ask him not to do that, to tell him it had all been sorted. But not now. It could wait.

  Jessica waved goodbye to Olivia. In the car on the way to school Jessica had talked to Olivia about Saturday night, and what she had spelled out with the Scrabble tiles.

  ‘Olivia, you know when you spelled out Daddy?’

  A nod.

  ‘I want you to know that Daddy didn’t do anything to Auntie Isabel.’

  Olivia had stared at her.

  ‘I think you wrote Daddy because it’s one of the words that’s easy to spell. Is that right?’

  Olivia had continued to stare at her, not answering.

  ‘And of course you know Nanny’s name. Mo.’

  This time, Olivia had nodded.

  ‘But what about Fred, the car? How did you know that? Did Nanny tell you?’

  But Olivia had clammed up, looking like she was about to cry. Jessica had backed off. For now. But she was convinced, now, in the cold light of day, that she should ignore everything she thought she’d learned during the seance.

  It had led Jessica down the wrong path, but there were still unanswered questions. Like: how had Olivia got hold of the necklace? And what about all the other stuff Olivia knew and her strange behaviour? Jessica had gone back to wavering between two opposing poles of belief: the part of her that longed for there to be a rational explanation for everything, and the childish part that clung to a belief in the supernatural.

  She sat in her car, going through it all in her head, just as she had all night. She had told Will she would take the photograph to the police, but she was reluctant to do so. She couldn’t see how they would take it seriously. A picture of a man standing, apparently photographing Izzy, wasn’t proof that she had been murdered. It was very far from proof. And she couldn’t tell them why she was convinced something sinister had happened to Izzy without talking about the supernatural, something she wasn’t prepared to do.

  She needed more.

  Had Izzy spotted the man herself? Had she suspected she was being watched? No one had ever mentioned it and, as far as Jessica knew, it wasn’t something the police had investigated. But maybe this photo would ring a bell with the person who had spent most time with Izzy.

  She called Darpak.

  He was at home with ‘the flu’, but his ability to get out of bed and wander around in his dressing gown made Jessica think it was nothing worse than a bad cold. Still, she was pleased he was taking a sick day.

  They made small talk in the kitchen while Darpak fixed himself a Lemsip and made a herbal tea for Jessica. He led her up to the living room.

  ‘So, this is a nice surprise,’ Darpak said.

  ‘You might not think it’s such a nice surprise when I tell you what it’s about.’

  ‘It’s not something to do with the children, is it?’ He looked worried.

  ‘No. Well, not directly . . .’

  ‘Don’t tell me Olivia’s said more strange stuff about Isabel?’

  Jessica hadn’t spoken to Darpak about everything that had been going on since the incident on Bonfire Night, mainly because she thought it might upset him. She cringed as she remembered how she had been sure Olivia was going to spell his name out during the seance.

  ‘I’ll come back to that,’ she said.

  ‘Oh dear.’

  ‘I’ve got something to show you first.’ She took the photograph out of her bag and placed it on the coffee table. ‘Will took this a few weeks before Izzy died.’

  ‘She was beautiful,’ Darpak said, gazing at the photo of his dead wife. He took a tissue out of his pocket and for a moment she thought he was going to cry again, but he blew his nose. ‘And this is a beautiful picture. But I don’t understand.’

  ‘Look here,’ Jessica said, pointing to the spot where the man with the camera was visible.

  Darpak squinted at it. ‘What am I looking at?’

  ‘It’s harder to see when you can’t enlarge it on the computer screen, but it’s a man. Will and I are pretty sure he’s pointing a camera at your house.’

  ‘What?’ He snatched the photo up and held it close to his face. ‘Who the hell is this?’

  ‘I was hoping you might have an idea. That she might have said something to you about someone following her.’

  He shook his head, still scrutinising the picture. ‘No. She never said anything about that. The police asked me the same question back then, but Izzy definitely would have told me if she’d thought someone was watching her.’

  ‘You’re absolutely sure? And you never noticed anything?’

  ‘Never.’

  Jessica sighed. Was this a dead end? Maybe she would never know who the man with the camera was.

  Darpak had put the photo down but was still leaning forward in his chair, his face in his hands. He sniffed.

  ‘Oh God, I’m sorry. I’ve upset you.’

  ‘No. It’s not you. It’s . . .’ He stared again at the picture of Isabel. ‘I was such a fool. Such a stupid bloody fool.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I almost lost her. And when she died I don’t think she’d fully forgiven me.’

  ‘Forgiven you?’ Jessica sat up. ‘Darpak, I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

  He got up and crossed over to the window, gazing out at the garden. Jessica waited, and just as she was about to prompt him he turned and said, ‘I did something very stupid.’

  Jessica was in shock. Darpak had cheated on Izzy. As he told her the sordid tale of his ‘mistake’, as he called it, she wondered if she had always been naïve to have faith in human nature. She had always believed Darpak was a doting husband, had defended him to Mum when she had accused him of terrible things. And although she still didn’t believe he had done the most terrible thing, he wasn’t the man she’d thought he was. Okay, maybe it was just a one-night stand, a stupid, drunken fumble as he claimed, but Jessica could imagine how much it must have hurt Izzy. All of a sudden Izzy’s drug use made sense. She had been self-medicating. Darpak had driven her to it.

  He must have read her mind because he said, ‘Maybe if she hadn’t been high, she wouldn’t have sat on the
railing. She wouldn’t have lost her balance.’ He swallowed. ‘I knew she was drinking a lot, but I didn’t know about the drugs. I didn’t even know she was taking sleeping pills.’

  ‘I wish she’d told me,’ Jess said, only half-listening to him.

  ‘About the pills?’

  ‘About all of it.’ She was aware that she’d snapped at him but he deserved it.

  ‘I regret it so much,’ he said. ‘It was a stupid one-off. A moment of weakness.’

  ‘Just one moment?’

  ‘One moment when I decided to do it, yes. The second it was over I knew what a terrible mistake I’d made. How I risked losing everything.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘We were getting back on track, though, Jess. Working it out. We had a good time, our last night together. I left that morning thinking everything was going to be okay, that I wasn’t going to lose her after all, even if I deserved to. I was going to book a holiday for us, take her to Hawaii, get Nina to look after the business for a couple of weeks. I had plans. Ha! And God laughed at them.’

  Once again Jessica sighed. ‘Oh, Darpak.’

  ‘I suppose you hate me now. I understand.’

  ‘I don’t hate you. I’m just . . . disappointed.’

  ‘There’s nothing worse than a woman’s disappointment.’

  She smiled, then got to her feet. ‘I’d better go.’

  ‘Wait. I just want to know . . . Why are you asking all these questions about Izzy’s death now? What made you dig out that photo? Is it something Olivia said? You told me you were going to come back to that subject.’

  ‘I really don’t want to get into it now.’

  ‘Please, Jess. I’m going to be worrying about it all night if you don’t tell me. Can you pretend you’re not disappointed with me for a minute?’

  He was turning on the charm. The same charm Izzy had fallen for in the first place. And partly because she was feeling too weak, too punch-drunk, to resist, Jessica told him the whole thing, starting with Halloween, skipping the parts he already knew, and going all the way through to the seance and what had happened since. Darpak listened with growing incredulity. Of course, she didn’t tell him she had suspected him at one point.