by M. R. Joseph
I’ve had enough of this bullshit. I become hotter and agitated, and I won’t allow her to bully me.
“You are one sick and twisted old bitch, aren’t you lady?” I turn and look at her, my eyes blaze with fury.
“Tsk, tsk, temper, temper, Mr. Cruz. I’m neither of those things. I am a woman who simply won’t allow anymore trash into my family. Leave her. Do her and yourself a favor. If not, I’ll be forced to tell Harlow the truth about you, show her the evidence, then she will hate you even more. And I really would not want you to get fired from Sandy Cove’s Police Department because of a positive drug test, now would I?”
She’s a certifiable nut job.
“What?” I ask her, confused.
“I know a lot of people, Officer, especially in Sandy Cove, so I would hate if you took your annual urine test and it came back positive for opiates. Or even if drugs were found in the McMillian’s vacation house. That would simply be a tragedy. I mean, what would poor Porter think of his friend then? You can’t risk it. You already have a record.”
She gets closer to me, invading my personal space, and I can smell the stench of her perfume, and it nauseates me. She bends into my ear. “I have my ways, Mr. Cruz. You can’t fuck with Granny.”
The woman is pure evil. I mean she must bleed it, but I wouldn’t put it past her to do all the things she said she’d do. I could care less if I got fired from Sandy Cove, but a drug conviction I can’t. I just can’t.
I shut my eyes tight, thinking if I open them, she would be just a bad dream, but as I do, she’s still here, smiling. Her bright red lips looking like she just tasted my blood, stole it from me like a vampire.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Mr. Cruz. I told you, I’m a powerful woman.”
She walks away, and I’m left with the afterthoughts of everything she says.
I’m a stupid man. I should have told Harlow the truth. Not that the truth would matter anyway. Granny would go to extremes to try to keep us apart. My life, my job, my past, my… future hangs like a set of balls in Evelyn Hannum’s hands.
Oh, my God, Harlow.
Now she’s going to hate me. Either way she’s going to hate me, and it will kill me if she does. No matter how I look at it and no matter which road I choose… I’m fucked.
***
CHAPTER 17
The Road to Happiness is not Paved in Gold
Harlow~
1,209,600 seconds
20,160 minutes
336 hours
14 days
That’s two weeks broken down. Two whole weeks since Cruz has left, and I have actually spoken to him. Spoken with words. This does not include texts. I get answers back from those. Two word answers, but it’s something.
It doesn’t seem right that most of the time his phone goes straight to voicemail. His excuse: Sergeant is cracking down on phone use during shifts. Plus, he tells me he has taken on different shifts for extra money so that’s why he hasn’t physically called.
And I call that bullshit.
If I don’t hear from him by week’s end, I’m getting to the bottom of it and quick.
I’ve bitten my nails down to the skin, I’m not eating like I should be from lack of appetite, and my concentration is damn near nonexistent. I don’t understand it. Why isn’t he calling me back? All I need is to hear him say, ‘I’m ok baby. Just real busy.’ That’s all I need. Listening to his voice on his voicemail is not cutting it.
Willow strolls in the breakroom during our lunch time here at Grayson Elders.
Great.
Here we go with the twenty questions.
“He call yet?” Apple in hand, taking a bite of it and crunching in my face as she speaks.
“No.”
“That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”
I look up at her, willing myself not to tear up, fearful of the truth that may lie ahead for me.
“What do you want me to tell you, Willow? No. I’ve left voicemail after voicemail, and he texts me back with the same old excuse. He was sleeping now he’s at work and can’t talk. I told you something is wrong and I can feel it in my bones.”
Willow sits down and takes my hand, which only makes me want to cry.
“He’s been so distant since the wedding.”
“Har, let me ask you a question. Did you notice a change in him after New Year’s Eve when you told him you loved him?”
I think about that night. How he held me on the dance floor. How when we went back to my condo we made love. We didn’t fuck, it was passionate and loving. He held me all night, never letting me go. And yes, I kept telling him I loved him, and he didn’t say it back, but I felt it. I felt the love. When we were at his car and he was leaving, I could have sworn I saw a tear in his eye when we said goodbye. He almost crushed me when he held onto me so tight. So I answer Willow truthfully.
“Yes.”
She stands up abruptly, pushes her chair in and pulls me up out of my seat.
“Well, my friend. Hope you don’t have any plans this weekend, ‘cause we are making a trip to Sandy Cove.”
The ride to Sandy Cove was nothing but me tapping my already gnawed fingernails down to the skin. The nauseous feeling still remains in my belly even though I took one of my anxiety pills. I can feel the difference in my body from not eating. My clothes feel larger, my stomach slowly shrinking. I don’t know what to say to him once I see him. Maybe it’s just that he is busy, maybe he’s taken all the overtime because he wants to save enough money for when he gets a job in Princeton and we can get a bigger place. Maybe he wants a new car. There very well could be an explanation to it all. I use my logic because I am a logical thinker. I don’t always use it in situations, but I’m smart. Think with both things. My head and my heart. That could quite possibly be my problem.
We love each other is the mantra I keep chanting in my head.
He loves me.
I know he loves me.
We love each other.
This constant gnawing in my stomach keeps me up at night. Toys with my emotions. I can’t sit still. I lash out at my students for the tiniest of things. They all guessed Cruz was my boyfriend from when he came for career day. I heard them whispering about me, saying I’m not the same and that my boyfriend must have dumped me.
Little bitches.
“We’re only a mile out from Sandy Cove. Do you know where he’s going to be?” I don’t turn to Willow when she asks me. I stare blankly out the window, looking at how desolate this shore town looks in January. So very different from summer. The reeds of grass along the edge of the water as we cross the bridge come in to sight. Swaying in the cold winter breeze, they look brown and not the mossy green color they were a few months ago. They look how I feel.
“He doesn’t go in till four, but who knows now if he’s working overtime or not.”
We pull through the stoplight, the sign for Sandy Cove to my left. The weathered sign brings back so many memories. Good ones. I met the love of my life here. I can admit that. Cruz is the love of my life. When you feel love in every fiber of your being, when it curls your toes, takes away your sense of direction, normalcy, steals your breath just from a touch, that’s when you know you have found him. Even just a glance from across a crowded room. That second your eyes meet. Only people who are truly in love know what that’s like.
We turn down Barnacle Lane. I can feel the bile start to rise up into my throat, praying in a way that he isn’t here.
Too late.
“I can’t do this, Willow. I can’t. I can’t.” I begin to hyperventilate, my breathing increasing in speed. The dizziness overrides any sense of clear thinking I had just moments ago.
Willow grabs my shoulders, the sharp feeling of her nails digging into my skin alerts me to breathe. She turns my body towards her.
“Stop this shit right now, Harlow. This is crazy. You have no idea what’s going on, so stop making yourself nuts wondering. That’s why you’re here. To find out the answer
s.”
I do my deep cleansing breaths and take control of the way I’m feeling. I need to be strong because when I walk through his door, there could be absolutely nothing wrong. He could sweep me up in his arms and kiss the top of my head and say, ‘Hey, Turnip. I missed you so much.’ That’s the positive way I need to think.
I take control of my nerves and with Willow holding my hand, I walk up the wooden steps to Porter’s house. I can hardly hold on to the wooden railing my hands are shaking so badly. My legs, well… I consider them jello. The blinds to the slider are shut, his car is here, so I know he’s here and not at the station. So many times on just the flight up the stairs, I contemplated running the opposite way, but I won’t run. This is my soulmate I’m here to see, to find out why he’s so distant. I came here for answers.
I lean my hand against the cold glass of the slider and the ice that has formed on it stings my perspiring hand.
“Harlow, just knock on the door. I’ll be right here.”
I knock once. Gently.
No answer.
“Ok, he’s not here. Let’s go.”
Willow rolls her eyes at me and shoves me aside as she proceeds to bang on the door.
The blinds open and Cruz stands there not looking the least bit surprised to see me. He hesitates and slowly pulls open the slider, sans shirt.
“Um, hey.” He pauses, not meeting my eyes directly. “What are you doing here?”
He looks funny. The brightness of his beautiful baby blues is replaced with a darkness I have never seen. His hair is way overgrown. His bare chest and arms look thinner to me in just a few short weeks.
I bite my lip, willing myself not to scream, but I answer casually.
“I haven’t heard from you in weeks. I was concerned.”
Still standing at the door not inviting us in, he runs his hand through his hair and looks over his shoulder into the living room.
“Harlow, now’s really not a good time.”
Now’s not a good time?
The words bite at me.
“No, I think now is a great time. Invite me in.”
When I try and nudge myself through the door, he stops me, putting his hand up, and he touches my chest. His touch… I haven’t felt it in so long, and I’ve missed it, but his actions keep me on high alert. This is the man I love who is acting like some stranger. It’s like I’m not standing before the same person. Willow steps to my side.
“What the fuck is your problem, Cruz. This is your girlfriend whom you have not spoken to in weeks. We drove all this way so she can have an explanation as to why you’re being a dick.”
“I told you, I’ve been busy. I’m working a ton of overtime and I’m tired. What do you want from me?”
I step away trying to get a good look at the person who stands before me still not meeting my gaze.
“What do I want from you? I want to know why you’re avoiding me. You don’t take my calls, or answer my messages. You give me one or two word answers in a text, and you know what, it’s bullshit. I want answers and I’m not leaving here until I have them.” I stand my ground. I won’t allow myself to be the girl who curls up and hides away from all her problems. I’m here to face whatever it is I need to deal with and if my heart breaks in the process, then so be it, but at least I’ll have answers.
He slams the slider closed. The blinds flap from the strength of it, and I’m not hesitating. I’m going in.
I push open the slider and Cruz grabs his shirt from the arm of the sofa as I trail behind him. As he slips it on over his shoulders, I grab his strong arm and pull him around so he’s looking at me.
“God, damn it, Raphael. Look at me!”
He shrugs off my hand, running his hands through his hair, pulling at it with force.
“Why, Harlow? Don’t you get the hint?” He steps away from me, smugly adjusting his shirt and smoothing his unruly hair.
“I mean seriously, this whole thing was fun, but… Well…”
He paces around, acting anxious, and it infuriates me because he’s not making sense. I move closer to him, but he steps away, almost like a game of cat and mouse. I step around the sofa towards him. He goes to the other side, like he’s afraid for me to get too close.
“Hint? I can’t take a hint. What are you trying to say, Cruz?” My heart accelerates. I can feel the beat of it inside my head, through my ears. I swallow hard trying to get rid of the lump that has formed in my throat. Searching inside my heart for a reason he’s being like this.
He throws his arms up towards me in desperation.
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Harlow. Let me get it into that big brain of yours.” Finally, he steps to the other side of the sofa, meeting me, looking at me, but not really looking at me.
“You knew what you were getting when we started this whole thing.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Tears threaten to spill, but I hold back. I’m waiting for the validation. The words that will make me walk away. He’s silent. Maybe thinking of the next bullshit excuse to give me.
“No, apparently I didn’t. So tell me, be the tough, macho guy you are, and just tell me. And don’t you dare fucking hold back on me, Cruz. That’s not who you are. Just say it.”
My tone is still calm as the words leave my lips.
“Just say what?” His tone the opposite of mine, and I’m startled by the rage that’s obvious in his voice.
“Just say what you really are. What this all was. I need to hear you say it. I’m not answering what your perception was of what I was getting when we got together.”
He smirks, arrogantly.
“Oh, please. Like you don’t know. I’m exactly the same person I was when you met me last year.”
I yell. My arms folded over my chest because he’s lying.
“Bullshit.”
“Bullshit?” He questions back at me.
I nod.
“Fine. You think that all you want, but the truth is you were just a fuck. I didn’t have time to go out and explore my options, so I thought you’d be a willing and able candidate. I mean really, how convenient, living next door to me.”
Self-righteous is the only description I can use to decipher his words. I don’t believe him, not a word. This can’t actually be how he’s thinking. Maybe he’s drunk, maybe he’s high. That’s not possible. It can’t be possible. I talk myself out of every scenario. I observe every part of his body language, and I know he’s neither one of those things.
I lean against the wall near the sofa, crossing my feet and arms. “I think you’re a liar.” I chuckle as the words come out.
He looks at me confused, dipping his head towards the side and bracing himself on the back of the sofa.
“Excuse me?” He asks.
“You heard me.” I uncross my feet and make my way towards him step by step.
“You. Heard. Me. There’s no way in hell that this was just some fling for you. I’m not just a fuck. We both know that.” As I keep up my movements, stepping towards him, he backs up, not meeting my eyes but his feet move backing up against my steps until he hits the counter of the kitchen.
“I love you and you’re scared because you love me. You’re just too afraid to admit it. I feel your love everywhere, even when we’re not together.” I grab his hand and place it over my heart. He hesitates and I can feel it warily. His hand shakes beneath mine but I don’t give up. My strength overpowers his for a change.
“That’s my heart. You feel it? It doesn’t belong to me anymore… It’s yours. You replaced all the sadness I’ve felt. You made me feel things again. You made me feel whole.”
His eyes finally meet mine, his mouth agape. I see a bit of the sparkle in his eyes and the tension in his hand subsides, and I think he’s coming back to me. He’s out of the trance, and now he won’t be afraid to love me, to tell me.
He closes his eyes, feeling my heartbeat beneath his hand.
I whisper to him, “I know you love me.”
&n
bsp; His relaxation is temporary, because now I see the darkness return as his eyes open.
He winces and pulls his hand back.
“Woman, you are delusional. I don’t love you, Harlow. Fucking is not love. You must be confused with someone else. See that’s what I do. I fuck, then I leave.”
I shake my head. “No, you don’t mean that. I changed you. You changed me. There’s no way you mean what you say. You do love me. You don’t do the things you do to someone whom you don’t love. You don’t surprise them with visits, or Christmas winter wonderlands, or come to family weddings with them and say the things you said if you didn’t love them.” I wish I could step into his brain and permanently implant my words into his brain.
He goes to the refrigerator, pulls out a beer and flips off the cap, tossing it into the sink.
“No. I don’t. God damn it! What does it take or what do I have to do to convince you?” He steps into my line of sight, almost touching his nose to mine. My breathing falters. I inhale, taking in every scent of the man I love.
“You did change me in a way. See, I never go back for seconds. You were my first, but then I came to realize that your pussy isn’t golden and it sure ain’t worth a two and a half hour drive. If I want some, I can get it at any place, at any time, at my immediate disposal.” Stepping away, he chugs the rest of his beer, and Willow makes her way to him, fists clenched, and ready to strike.
“You no good ass. I warned her about you. Porter told me your deal and I warned her. Who the hell would even allow you to fuck them with that probably diseased dick of yours?” She turns to me. “Sorry, Har. I really didn’t mean you.”
Before he has a chance to answer her, I hear something come from his bedroom. Something dropped, and then I wait and hear it again.
He has someone here. He’s with someone else and they’re in his room. I caught him. This is what this is all about. When he realizes I heard what I heard, he shrugs. The look of total satisfaction on his face. But it’s not his face.
“What did I tell you, any place at any time.” He smugly smiles. “I’ll give you credit for a few things, Harlow. You are one fantastic lay. You’re hot, but way too damaged for me. The baggage you have well exceeds what I can handle. You told me yourself you’re crazy. I’ve had my share of nutty women, but oh… Man, you take the cake.”
