Giving In (The Sandy Cove Series Book 1)

by M. R. Joseph

  I don’t even think the words leave his mouth fully before I lunge my body at his.

  I punch. I slap, and claw at him, not giving him time to react because my movements are swift.

  I scream at him not really hearing myself, but I know the words that invade my brain, my soul, crushing it. Breaking my heart.

  “I can take you not wanting to be with me ‘cause you think I’m crazy, but I won’t allow myself to be cheated on again. I put up with it for years and years and I fought to be first when I wasn’t. I want to be first. I’m tired of being second choice. I don’t care who… who is in there. All I know is I’m second choice again and I hate you for it. I really ha… ha… hate you.”

  There’s no more strength left in my body to fight anymore.

  All I can get out is about a thousand more ‘I hate you’s’. He stands there taking it until Willow pulls me away. I fight her when she grabs my upper arms to get me away from him. I really can’t make out his face through my tears.

  He pushes off the counter.

  “That’s right. Solidify how crazy you are. Keep it up. Gives me all the more reason to be happy that this is over. You just love to be in love, don’t you? Well, I don’t do love and the quicker you get the fuck out of here and out of my life, the better.”

  I can’t breathe.

  No air.

  There’s no air.

  There’s nothing.

  Oh, God help me. Please someone, help me.

  Willow pulls me to the door, as sweat pours from my face. I will go. I’ll leave, but I have one last question for him as I feel my heart shatter like a glass globe crashing to the floor. I turn, looking at him for the last time. He seems unaffected, just standing there with his arms folded across his chest, feet spread apart in a defensive stance. I swallow my tears hard, tasting the salt.

  “Why?” I question him barely getting the word out.

  He pauses, looking at me, well really through me, through my soul and answers. Finally.

  “Because I can.”

  ***

  CHAPTER 18

  Can’t Turn Back Time

  Cruz~

  “You know that I really wanted no part of this collaboration, right?”

  I nod my head at Max, who exits my bedroom.

  “And you know that as soon as Harlow and Willow go back home, Willow will tell Porter everything and he will kick you out of here?”

  Again, I nod.

  “And you know that everything you just said to her, you can never take back? She’s going to hate you.”

  I exhale and look out the window to our dock, and I know that everything Max just said is true.

  “Cruz? You gonna talk, or are we just going to stand here and wait for the apocalypse? “

  Looking over at Max, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach returns.

  “I’ve already packed most of my shit. I fully expect to hear from Porter first thing tomorrow. I’m surprised Craw didn’t call him in the first place after he left me that message that Harlow was on her way here and I…”

  I pause, thinking of the words I said to her. How I just destroyed her. I destroyed the only thing in my life I ever loved, that I was ever sure of. The one thing that loved me back without thinking of the person I actually am.

  “I want her to hate me. It’s the only way.”

  Max sits next to me on the couch after grabbing the bottle of Jack out of the cabinet and a few shot glasses. I can’t stop shaking. It’s like I’m outside the door in the twenty degree weather, but I’m sitting here on this sofa not fully comprehending what I just did. My knees shake so bad I can hear the bones clang together.

  “What did Craw’s message say?”

  I lean back on the sofa and scratch my two day old unshaven face.

  “Called me a mother fucker and that I better not be playing games with his sister or else he’ll kill me.”

  Max shakes his head to agree.

  “Craw’s pretty tough. Surprisingly, I wouldn’t put it past him. I heard what he did to that asshole Knox.”

  That asshole Knox ruined her, then she found me, now she’s right back where she was and it’s going to kill me.

  He pours two shots. “I’m pretty sure she bought the fact that there was a girl in your room.” We don’t clink glasses. We don’t cheer to the fact I just broke someone’s heart. We just chase down the amber liquid hoping it warms my body and stops it from shivering, but see I’m cold, everywhere. In my heart and in my fucking soul.

  “I know you feel as though you had to do what you had to do, but she loved you, man, and I’m betting if you told her about her Wicked Witch of the West Grandmother, she would have put her foot down. I mean her mom went through something almost similar, right? That’s what you told me.”

  I nod, throwing back another shot. It burns. It burns so bad.

  “It’s better this way. I could never give her what she wants, what she needs. I’m poor. I’m a cop, and I have a record from when I was eighteen. I’m lucky I’m even a cop.”

  Max looks at me confused and I remember he doesn’t know.

  “Oh that’s right. You don’t know the story. Tony and I were busted when he was twenty and I was eighteen. Cops came looking for my mom, they found her stash of weed. We told them it was ours, so she wouldn’t get thrown in jail.”

  “But you fucking hate your mom. Jail would’ve been the best place for her. She could’ve sobered up there.”

  Max is naïve.

  “No, man, she’d be worse off. Drugs are so easily accessible in there.” I’ve always felt the need to protect that woman, as much as I despise her.

  “I still have it on my record. That’s why I went into the Marines.”

  “I see.” He pours another shot. “So what now?”

  I close my eyes and imagine a future without Harlow in it, and I hate it. It’s bleak and dark, like my heart.

  I take a letter out of my pocket and hand it to Max.

  He reads it, looks to me, then back to the letter.

  “You were hired by the North Ridge Police Department? That’s like the next town over from Harlow. What the fuck, man. When did you find out?”

  I take it back from him and crumple it, tossing it over my shoulder.

  “I found out last week. I drove down there two weeks ago for the interview without letting Harlow know. Then I got the letter, which made me decide to do what I just did. We would never be happy. Her grandmother would’ve crushed me and made our lives miserable.”

  “So your plan was to crush Harlow instead? You love her, dude.”

  I do love her, with my whole fucked up self.

  “She’s better off without me. She’ll be happier. I’m not good enough for her. I know it, and she’ll come to know it.”

  Max stands up and grabs his coat from the hook in the hallway.

  “I gotta go, man. I know you have your reasons but I wish you’d at least given her the chance to make the decision for herself. I think she would have understood the truth about the way you grew up, about your mom… About everything. Truth is a powerful thing, and you know what man, love… It’s the only truth. Truth is love.” He gives me a pat on the shoulder and makes his way out my door.

  I can’t go back and change what I did. I’ll live my life without her. Yea, a piece of me died, true, but I’d rather live with the burden of my broken heart, than her having a lifetime of hers broken because I couldn’t give her the life she deserves. Our lives are so different, and mine would only wind up damaging hers in the end.

  She’ll be ok. She’ll move on, and it will be the best thing for the both of us.

  Yea, she’ll realize it. Maybe not tomorrow, but she’ll forget about me.

  She’ll be ok.

  She’ll be ok.

  I’ll be ok.

  I’ll be ok.

  I’ll keep telling myself that because I have to. I’ll pound it into my head until I’ve brainwashed myself into thinking it for both of us.

&
nbsp; Love is truth, truth is love.

  ***

  CHAPTER 19

  Cruz & Harlow

  Harlow~

  4 Months Later…

  It’s not like I want to come back here, ever, but I know my friends will keep him away from me if I see him. If he sees me.

  I’m doing ok. I’m only down to three sessions a week with Dr. Goldberg, and I’m only on the anti-depressant now. No more anxiety pills. Yoga helps. Therapy helps. Teaching helps, and knowing that to me, he no longer exists in my life, helps too. I’ve worked on it… Well, on myself.

  So what has happened in the last four months of my life? Not a suicide attempt, that I’ll tell you. Locking myself in my condo for a week, wallowing in self-pity and calling out sick with the flu, yes, that happened. Craw, Willow and Thea bringing me food that I didn’t eat, yes, that happened too. The girls helping me bathe my disgusting body, yes, that happened as well. Then it came to me. My self-worth. I don’t need anyone to love me. I have to love myself first and take it from there.

  Doing that doesn’t mend everything, obviously. That’s why I see Dr. Goldberg three days a week.

  Teaching helps. My mind is consumed with those kids and their bright minds. It’s amazing what I can see from my point of view when I’m teaching them. It opens my mind up to the infinite possibilities that there’s more to life than depending on one person to make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself first and foremost.

  A few weeks after we broke up, I started to keep a journal. I write down every single thought I have in my head. Dr. Goldberg said it’s a good outlet. I have to agree. I don’t hate him for what he’s done. I have come to forgive him. He was right. I couldn’t change him from what he was like before. A leopard doesn’t change his spots. When I heard that person in his room, I knew that we were done. Up until that point, I think I would have fought harder, but cheating and saying the things he said in the process… Well, it doesn’t fly with me. I put up with it from Chad for years. Sneaking around behind my back, smelling like a different girl all the time. I won’t allow myself to be made a fool of again. I’m stronger than that now. Why should I always fight to be someone’s first choice? I should automatically be theirs.

  Willow forced me to come just for the weekend. It is Memorial Day. The start of the summer. I’m only staying for the night. That’s all I can handle right now.

  Porter kicked Cruz out of his house as soon as we came back that day. Drove down himself, but Cruz was already gone. Odd, but I’m guessing he already knew that Willow would rat him out, and I’m like another cousin to Porter, so he wouldn’t put up with me being hurt. He hasn’t talked to him since. Max told him he’s living in Sandy Cove somewhere, but didn’t say where exactly. Craw is the one I was worried about. He went down to Sandy Cove looking for him. I tried to stop him, but he didn’t find him anyway. He wasn’t even on duty.

  So here we are at The Boat Stop. The place that opened last summer. I wanted to come here instead of Jax. I didn’t want to go there. Too many memories. I’d probably take up ten pages in my journal from one night at Jax.

  I casually sip on a beer and sit at a table with the girls and Porter.

  “Max coming down?” Willow asks.

  “He’s around here somewhere, I think. Why do you want to know?”

  “No reason.” And she goes back to drinking her beer and avoiding any kind of eye contact with us.

  “Son of a bitch. Here comes Chad.” Willow growls and is ready to pounce. I hold her arm down as she attempts to stand up to probably knock him out.

  “Wills, it’s ok. We’ve run into each other a few times around home and we have spoken, briefly, but we have.” She gives me an ominous look which I can’t avoid.

  “It’s just talking. Believe me, once with him was enough.” I see Chad approach cautiously, and I muster up the confidence to give him a friendly grin.

  “Hey, Harlow.”

  “Hey, Chad. How are you?”

  “Good, good. You look great. Can I… Um… Buy you a drink?”

  I raise my almost full beer to him.

  “No, I’m good.” He leans in slightly to me, trying not to allow anyone to hear him.

  The anyone means Willow.

  “Har, do you think we can talk? Please. There’s some stuff I need to say.”

  Now do I stay, or do I go? The old me says to go to him, the new me says to stay away, but since we’ve talked back home, I’m not afraid. It’s not like I’m going to fall for his charms again. Be the prey of the hunter. I’m fine on my own. Don’t get me wrong, he is the devil, but maybe he wants to apologize for all he’s done to me. I have learned to be a forgiving person. I can’t forget. What happened with us, it changed my life, but I can forgive.

  “Sure.” I tell him.

  “Harlow. Are you crazy?” Willow yells above the crowd.

  “It’s fine. My God. What do you think is going to happen? He’s not going to kidnap me.” I push back my chair and follow Chad outside to the makeshift beach area off the side of the restaurant part of the place.

  We stand here. He’s far from me which is good. So I’ll wait to hear what he has to say.

  Cruz~

  “She’s in there. I know she is, Cruz. Go in there and get her back.”

  Max paces in front of my patrol car in his Chucks, and he’s going to wear them out if he keeps it up.

  “I’m not going in there, man. Plus I’m on duty. I can’t do it. She hates my fucking guts.”

  Max jumped in front of my patrol car at the station as I was pulling out to go on duty. He told me Porter had called him to tell him that Harlow, Willow and Thea were here and for him to meet them at The Boat Stop. Two reasons why I’m not going in.

  Number one, obviously Harlow, and two, Porter. He will kick my ass. He hates me for what I did, and we haven’t spoken since he kicked me out of the house. Just another thing I lost in the process of breaking the girl’s heart. I lost one of my best friends. I tell myself it was all worth it. I know she’s ok. She’s better off without me. Max gets updates from Porter, and Max tells me, not that I want to hear because it kills me. It fucking kills me to even hear the sound of her name. From what I hear, our breakup put her back in therapy a few more days a week, and they were all pretty worried about her once she got back that day after I ended it. I threw up when I heard that. I knew what she went through before and how she wound up in therapy because of Chad. It crushes me to think about how this time I was the cause of her going through another breakdown.

  If I thought I turned into a pussy when I was with her, ha, ha, you should see me now. Watching those old black and white movies she loves so much, just so I can feel like I’m still a part of her. She’d turn one on when we were snuggling on the sofa and the look in her eyes when the movies started, damn you’d think they just announced she won the lottery or something. That look in her eyes made me love her even more. Seeing someone you love so much adore something so much makes all the problems you have seem to melt away. Temporarily.

  I go to the beach sometimes and just dip my toes in the water and imagine how it felt for her to be so scared of it.

  When I’m on duty, and I have to drive by a school at dismissal time, I think of her, and I look at my watch, thinking that this is the time she’d be done with her day, saying goodbye to her students. I imagine her with her black rimmed glasses on, her hair frazzled by the end of the day, but once she’s home, her heels come off. The fuzzy slipper socks go on, and a cold beer is on her mind then in her hand. I think about her mostly the nights when I’m not on duty. The nights where I lie awake and wish things were different. Hell, who am I kidding. I think about her every second, of every day.

  Her scent is gone from the pillow I stole. It just smells like… Well, nothing now. The strands of her hair have fallen off of it, and I’m left with one picture of us. The one we took in the car, the one she had in her place that was framed. The one she put in a frame for me and gave to me on New Year�
��s Eve. The others, I burned them on our dock. I mean the dock, and let them fall into the water. I can’t have that much to look at of her. The one picture I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t destroy it, like I destroyed her.

  Pictures are just pieces of paper. The memories I have of her, of us, play like a movie in my head. Constantly.

  To answer all further questions, I have callouses on my hands. Yes, I said callouses. I haven’t been with anyone that way but my hand since I left her the day after New Year’s. I mean I haven’t completed the job. I can’t do it. I tried… But Morty, well, I guess he’s mad at me. I kissed a few girls, but all I see is her face, smell her scent. The bodies don’t feel the same. The softness of her hair, her skin, her breasts. Her taste, no other could ever compare to her. I am always talking myself out of her memory. I’ve even murmured her name a few times while making out with someone. Got a kick to Morty and a few slaps to the face for those. But I deserve it. A few more months and she’ll be out of my head.

  “You’re a dumb mother fucker, you know that? I’ve had to deal with your miserable ass for months now, and you know what conclusion I’ve come to?”

  I roll my eyes at him. “What’s that, Max?”

  “You’re a fucking pussy bitch. You’re not the tough guy, the man-whore. You’re nothing that you want everyone to think you are. You’re nothing but a selfish, fucking prick.”

  Little bastard. Who’s he think he’s talking to?

  He steps closer to me, and I give him a warning look.

  “You had something you wanted your whole life in your hands, right there.” His hands are cupped out in front of me, palms up.

  “Fucking love. You let it go because you think you’re not good enough. Did you ever stop and think that maybe you are and you never even gave Harlow the chance to base her own decision on the facts? You never even gave her a chance to hate you, not that I ever thought she would. I always thought she’d understand about your family and your fucked up life. And fuck what Granny does and says. She may be powerful in Princeton, but who’s to say she has it anywhere else.”