by M. R. Joseph
I squeeze her hand, I gently stroke her fingers. They’re still cold, bruised and a yellowish color has developed on the surface from the I.V.’s going in and out of her. Her skin so very delicate, like her. I just want her to wake up and look at me. I want her to smile at me with those freckles reaching across her face when she does so. I know the nurses tell me to talk to her, that she can hear me, but it just doesn’t seem possible. When I sleep and dream I’m in another world. Maybe that’s what it’s like for Harlow.
I swallow hard, lean my head on her hand that’s resting on her bed, and I speak. Feeling out of sorts when I do, but I do.
“Turnip, remember when you tried to explain to me what love is like, what being loved is like? I get it now.” I smile as a single tear rolls down my face.
“Love is the only thing I think you can’t fake, no matter what. It’s when you look into the eyes of the person meant for you, and you can see into their soul. I’m pretty sure you can’t lie when you truly look into the depths of them. There’s a resemblance there, a home, somewhere you can put your trust into, someone you can tell your deepest, darkest fears to, and no matter their opinion of them, it really has no bearing. They will be beside you. They will watch you succeed, and they will watch you fail, but the love is so strong, they will see past it. See past all the bad and take the good… A good hard look at the good.”
I just want her to give me a sign she hears me, that she understands what I’m trying to say.
I love her.
I love her.
I love her.
She didn’t believe me though. Not that I gave her any reasons to believe me.
Oh, God, why does this have to hurt so damn bad? I’ve never been one to feel anything, but she made me feel, and I’m not scared of feeling anymore. I’m not afraid to love for fear of not having it in return because she loved me, and I believed it because I felt it.
I raise my head off of her bed and realization steps in. Just when I thought I had all the answers and I questioned myself over and over again, now I know.
Love is real. Harlow’s love is real.
I take her hand and bring it to my face, stroking it along my rough skin, her softness against it. I feel her, kissing each finger, each knuckle, as my salty tears coat her hand.
I stand up and lay in the bed next to her. It’s against all the rules, but rules don’t apply to me. I don’t move her body, but somehow my large frame fits beside her without disruption. I stroke her hair, and lean into her ear and whisper, “Loving someone is when you make the other person a better one. You did that, my Turnip. You made me a man. You changed me from that silly person who thought he was a man. I’m whole when I’m with you, I’m better Har, I’m better. Please believe me, hear me… Just hear me. Listen to my words. Oh, God, Turnip, I hope you can hear me.” I can’t help but to cry. I think there’s about twenty four years of pent up tears. I’m so afraid every day that once I start, I won’t be able to stop.
My tears dampen her hair as I nuzzle my face in it, and I need her to know everything. So I whisper in her ear.
“Turnip, I’m not leaving you. I’m not going anywhere until you open your eyes and I see their color. I want to see the blue that sparkles when you smile at me. I will never leave you again. You’re mine, Harlow Hannum, you are mine and when you wake up I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I do love you. We are meant to be and I’ll give you the world if I have it to give. I need you to believe me, trust in my love, it’s all I have. Your love is all I have. Wake up, baby, so we can start our life together, so I can explain to you why I did what I did.” I wipe my face with the back of my hand.
“Just open your eyes, love of my life.”
I rest my chin between her shoulder blade and the crook of her neck, and I listen to her breathe. I listen to the sound of life as she exhales. I listen to the slow, rhythmic sounds of the monitors, the faint sounds of the nurses talking out in the halls. I don’t really want to hear any of it. I just want to hear her voice. The voice of the one I love. She’s all that will ever matter.
Harlow gave me the courage to accept love in my heart, and she didn’t even know it. I won’t rest until she knows it, until she knows that I finally gave in.
To Be Continued…
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6936575.M_R_Joseph
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