He didn’t want to be married anymore. He’d found someone else. When the day had come, she couldn’t even say she’d been shocked. She didn’t fight it. He’d move out, she’d keep the apartment—it had been hers to begin with anyway. And a week later the papers were signed.
And shit. Now she’d made it sound like she wasn’t over him. But damn if she’d let him turn things around now to make himself feel better, like it had been some kind of mutual decision.
“Okay,” Blake said softly. “You’re right. But I hope you know I didn’t plan it.”
I didn’t plan on this. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I still felt the same.
Meaning, I wish I still loved you. God, that had hurt. She pressed a hand to her chest at the memory of that pain.
Plan what? Finding a woman whose eyes worked? Someone to have a family with?
Because that’s what he’d done. He’d always said having a baby wasn’t a good idea for two blind parents. After he’d gotten his sight back, he’d decided even one blind parent was too much.
No. She gave herself a shake. She wasn’t going to let herself fall into this pit again.
“You know what? Forget it,” she said putting a brightness into her voice. “I’m happy for you.”
“Ava—”
“No. Really. And congratulations,” she added, without choking on the word.
“I don’t know how many people you keep up with from work so I just… I wanted you to hear it from me so you weren’t blindsided.”
“Not hard to blindside the blind,” she said, forcing a laugh.
“Ava.”
“I’m joking.” Or trying to. And it might be the United Nations with serious work, but there was still office gossip. She wanted to get away from that, too. Far away. Italy away. “Thanks for telling me. And … good luck. With everything.”
She ended the call before he could fall into his usual spiel that he still cared about her, that he hadn’t meant to hurt her.
She still hadn’t decided if it mattered. Would it have hurt more if he’d stopped loving her on purpose?
She’d nearly convinced herself Blake was just another asshole and she was like so many other women who’d have fallen for one. A player. A liar. But then she’d had to face the truth. He wasn’t a terrible person. She hadn’t been deceived that way. He’d just stopped loving her. He’d wanted a different kind of life, one where he and his spouse could go jogging in the park, stroll through an art museum and argue the merits of Picasso over Rembrandt. But bottom line, he’d gotten his sight back and then he’d stopped loving her.
Putting her phone aside, she reached for her iPad, determined to get lost in someone else’s story.
16
“Can you hang this one for me?” Ava turned in the tack room and handed the bridle she’d just wiped down to Kylie, another little rider.
“Sure. I’m glad we rode together today,” Kylie said.
“Me, too. It was fun.”
“I wish we could have our lessons like that every time.”
Ava smiled. “Well maybe we can do it again. I bet if you asked Hannah she’d say yes.” When Ava felt the little girl brush against her, she opened her arms and pulled her into a hug. The top of Kylie’s head just reached her waist. Her body felt small in the thin sweater.
“I’m glad you’re here,” she whispered into Ava’s side.
Ava felt her heart melt. “Me, too.”
“I’m glad you can’t see me.”
Ava’s stomach clenched at that gut-wrenching wish. She knew Kylie had come for riding therapy after a devastating house fire. Ava knelt down. “You know what? I wish I could see you. I wish I could see your smile.”
“I can’t really smile. The skin is too tight.”
“Hmm. You know moving your mouth isn’t the only way to smile.”
“It’s not?”
“No. Your eyes can smile, and your voice. I can’t see if a person is smiling, but I can tell when someone is happy by their voice and by what they say.”
“I can see you,” Kylie said. “I like it when you smile. It’s so pretty.”
Ava laughed. “I bet you’re smiling now, aren’t you? “
“Yes.”
“I knew it.” Ava reached out, touched the side of Kylie’s head. Just skin. No hair. She pulled her in for another hug. “How about I finish cleaning the tack and you go ask Hannah about our next ride?”
“Okay!”
Ava listened to her go and reminded herself she never wanted people to feel sorry for her. But still, she couldn’t help thinking, poor little baby. She remembered what Luke had said. Can I just be sorry? She figured that was okay. She could be very, very sorry for all of Kylie’s pain.
Leaning against the barn wall just outside the tack room, Luke watched Kylie leave. She hadn’t even seen him when she’d come out and turned left to his sister’s office. He was pretty sure Ava didn’t know he was there either. The two of them had been in animated conversation about Disney princesses when he’d walked up.
Not wanting to interrupt had been only one reason he hadn’t walked in. He’d seen Kylie around before and no matter how much he tried to act like he didn’t see her burns, he was terrified he did a piss poor job of it. That she could feel him looking.
One side of her face was nearly indiscernible it was so badly burned. Like melted wax over bone. There was no ear on that side. The shape of her nose and mouth were altered and she had only a tiny opening for one eye. Her left arm and hand were just as bad.
He knew the riding therapy was good for her to stretch the scarred skin, good also to be with animals but it was hard to watch her struggle, the way her mouth pulled in pain when she tried to follow his sister’s directions. He’d barely spoken to her because he didn’t know if he could without crying.
So he’d been standing out here, gathering his courage to face a child that had way more of it than he did. And listening to Hannah talk and laugh with her like she was any other kid.
Luke moved into the tack room. He saw Ava pause as he got closer, figured she heard the clomp and scuff of his boots. He stopped a few feet away, but didn’t say anything for a moment, just taking her in. She was in jeans again, dark ones today and a sage green long sleeved shirt.
“I can hear you,” she said.
“I didn’t say anything.”
She smiled over her shoulder. “Silence can be loud.”
He moved closer, noticed her breathing change, knew she felt him. Had she thought of that kiss as many times as he had? Had she thought of doing it again, as he had?
He could smell her amid the barn smells of horse and hay and leather. A fresh, spring scent, that he now knew came mostly from her hair. What would she do if he leaned in now, drew her in? “You were great back there,” he finally said. “With that little girl.”
“Kylie?” With her hands full, she attempted to blow a strand of hair off her forehead. Luke did it for her. His fingers brushing over her skin.
“Yeah, I guess. Kylie. I’ve seen her here before and I didn’t speak to her. I didn’t know what to say,” he said softly. “I wish I couldn’t see her burns.”
She angled her face up to his, tilted her head. “Bad, huh?”
He drew in a long slow breath and let it out. “Yeah.”
“I knew someone at camp once that was burned. She let me feel her skin and it was smooth. She said it was red and ugly but I don’t know the color red and smooth skin is usually a good thing so it’s hard for me to imagine it.”
“It’s…shocking.”
“Why?” Her brow furrowed, as if she was trying hard to understand.
“Because it looks so different than how it should, I guess. It looks painful, maybe mostly because I know the intense pain that comes from a burn.”
She nodded. “I guess there are some things I’m glad I can’t see.”
She moved away from him, but there was something there before she turned
away. Something in her eyes. He watched her fiddle around with cans and brushes, not really doing anything of purpose which wasn’t like her. “Something wrong?”
“No. Why?”
“Just a feeling.”
She stopped and Luke watched the play of emotions in her face. There was pain there, as she bit her lip. Come on, he thought. You can tell me.
He was about to press her when Kylie came skipping back in.
“Ava! Hannah said we could ride together next week. We just have to pick a day.”
Ava smiled brightly. “Great.”
“Hey, Kylie.”
The girl paused and looked up at him like she’d just noticed he was there. Or maybe she was surprised he’d spoken. He really didn’t think the times he’d seen that she’d noticed him. “Hey, Kylie, you want to see something?”
“What is it?”
“Come over here.” He turned to the back corner of the tack room then look over his shoulder to see if she as following. She wasn’t. “It’s over here. Come on, Ava. I’ll show you too.”
“Okay,” Ava said, drawing out the word. “Come on, Kylie. Let’s go see what the mystery man has over there.”
Ava held out her hand and Kylie took it.
“Okay. It’s right back here, behind these saddle pads.” He knelt down, guiding Ava with a hand on her back who in turn tugged Kylie down.
“Kittens!” Kylie saw them immediately. “Can we hold them?”
“I don’t know about that. They’re pretty young.”
“So Tom turned out to be a Tina?”
Luke watched Ava’s face. “Yeah. Proud mama of six babies.”
“They’re so cute. I want to hold one.”
“Maybe just a little touch. How about that?” He stroked his hand over Tom’s head and down her back. “You okay with that, Tom?”
Luke reached down demonstrated, giving one of the tiny bodies the lightest touch with one finger. Kylie did the same.
“Aww. They’re so little. Ava you should pet one.”
“Yeah, Ava. You should pet one.” When she lifted her hand, he took it. “You’ll have to get closer.”
She scooted closer to him, up on her knees, and he guided her hand to the kitten. He couldn’t help but think that the last time they’d been this close, she’d been kissing his brains out. She stroked once, twice, then laid her fingers on the kitten, feeling the life.
“Kylie, your mom’s here! Ahh,” Hannah said. “You found Tom.”
“Can I show my mom?”
Luke straightened. “Sure.”
Ava stood and together they went into the barn aisle to make room for Kylie, Hannah, and Kylie's mom.
Ava’s hand was still in Luke’s and she didn’t pull it away. She smiled up at him. “Looks like you found something to say.”
“Tom helped me.”
“You did good,” she said, of his interaction with Kylie, then squeezed his hand before letting go.
Ava went back to Banjo waiting in the aisle and Luke followed. He started to offer help, but she didn’t need it. When she finished untying the blue nylon lead rope, she led Banjo to his stall and in. She unbuckled the matching blue halter slipped it off of the horse’s head and after a bit of love for Banjo, came back out into the aisle.
“My sister’s planned this thing,” Luke said. “An outing, family thing.”
“That sounds fun.” Using her cane, she went to hang up the halter and lead rope.
“Yeah, well. I was thinking maybe you’d want to go.”
She stopped what she was doing. “Oh. Well.” When she’d been kissing him, all common sense had flown out the window. Now it was back, and now the insecurities crept in. She figured he was looking at her, but how? Like he wanted to kiss her again? There was no way to tell. He was being friendly, and friendly was good. But it didn’t answer the questions.
“It’s causal. Sports bar kind of deal. You’d be doing me a favor,” he added. “You know. Moral support and all.”
He leaned an arm against the wall beside her and Ava smelled him. She cursed her heart for the way tripped and galloped whenever he was close.
The door to Hannah’s office opened and Luke straightened.
“Luke, stop harassing my students.”
“Not harassing. Just saying hi. And bye. Bye, Ava.”
“Bye, Luke. Wait. Wait a second.” Was she really going to say no? When she wanted to go?
She hated that Blake’s call would make her second guess spending time with a man she liked. And why the hell not? Why the hell shouldn’t she go? She liked him. God knows she could use a reason to spend an evening outside the house. Hannah and Luke’s brothers’ wives would be there. “I’d like to go.”
“Okay. I’ll pick you up at six.”
“Tonight?”
“Tonight.”
17
It wasn’t like Ava to fuss about clothes. For the most part she stuck with black on the bottom. Black pants, white top. Black skirt, black jacket, colored top.
But she wasn’t dressing for work or the barn. She would have paid big money to have Maddie here now to give her advice. Casual, he’d said, so she’d start with jeans. It would be a fun night out with a man she liked. A man she was attracted to. A man she had no future illusions about and who had none about her.
She ran her hand over her shirt options. Most of these she could tell by feel. A few of them had the neck tag cut in a certain way that distinguished one from the other. She knew from Maddie that black with jeans was always good. Or white.
She chose the black then switched to the white with short brown boots. It wasn’t as if she had other plans. If she didn’t go, she’d be sitting in the living room listening to reality shows with her parents.
Something about Luke challenged her. Maybe it was just the challenge of getting back out there, proving to herself that she might have been down for a while, but she wasn’t out.
Maddie had trained her in make-up application, or more often done it for her, when they were twelve. She smiled at the thought of what she must have looked like. Though according to her friend, it hadn’t been much worse than anyone else.
These days she stuck to a light mascara, very carefully applied. After which she made sure to clean her fingers since she had to feel her way there. A couple of light swipes of blush and a little gloss on the lips and she was done. She decided a quick FaceTime with Maddie was in order.
“I have a date,” she said as soon as the connection was made. “I need a make-up check.”
“Okay, bring the phone a little closer. There. Turn to the side… Other side. Good job. Now tell me about the date. The cowboy?”
“Yes. And it’s not really a date, it’s a family thing. A group thing.”
“Gotta start somewhere.”
“Yeah.” And by the way he kissed her, Ava didn’t know if that was a reason to go for it or a reason to run.
“Just do it. Get it over with.”
“Wow. How romantic,” Ava said. “Assuming we’re talking sex.”
“We are and this could be the perfect way to get back in the saddle so speak. Break the man fast.”
“Maybe.” Ava laid the phone on the bed and went for her shoes, short brown boots with a four-inch heel. “Are you on the subway?”
“I had to go into the Brooklyn office this morning.”
“Mmm.” Ava came back to the phone, and zipped up each boot. “You know, I really don’t know why I’m making it so complicated. We’re both single, we’re attracted to each other.”
“Then stop making it complicated. You’re not going to fall in love with the guy. Just have sex with him, leave him pining.”
No, she definitely wasn’t going to fall in love, but— the doorbell rang and she ended the Face Time. She grabbed her cane and her leather wristlet that held her phone.
She’d planned on being at the ready to avoid exactly this. This, date comes to meet the parents of a grown adult, scenario. But before she made it down
the hallway she heard her mother opening the door and saying hello, in a tone she might have used for a door to door salesman. As if she’d had no idea Luke was coming.
She closed her eyes briefly then carried on.
When they got to the sports bar, Luke led Ava in, giving her the lay of the land as he went. “The bar is to the left,” Luke told her.
She nodded as they passed, hearing the sounds of ice shaking against metal. A bottle thunking down on wood. The tempting scents of greasy bar food reminded her she’d missed lunch. The room felt busy and smelled amazing.
“There are tables scattered to the right and a dark wood bar running the length of the room from here,” he said as they passed the end. “Bathrooms are down at that end. Let me know when and I’ll guide you.”
If she could, if she was alone, she liked to run her hand along the bar to see how long it was. To feel if it was slick or rustic. She’d like to walk around the edges of the room to get a sense of the size. When she’d gone places with Maddie, her friend had always given her that information. Having known her so long, Maddie could say the bar is ten steps to your left, or it’s fifteen steps long. She did it without even thinking.
She could ask Luke to do that. But she didn’t want to be the girl that needed extra.
“Hey, you guys,” a voice called out. One she recognized as Hannah. “We just ordered nachos to start.”
Ava’s stomach clenched. Finger food. Shared finger food. The thing was she loved nachos, but it was virtually impossible for her to grab a nacho from a cheesy, chili, sour creamed up pile without touching any of the others.
“Great,” Luke said, guiding her to a stool. “You like cheese sticks?” He gently squeezed her hand, letting her know he was talking to her. “They’ve got the best in town. I’ll get us an order when the waitress comes around. And some plates.” He squeezed her hand again, and she got his silent message. Don’t worry about the shared plate of food.
She ordered a beer and lifted it carefully, each time. Set it back on the bar even more carefully, not wanting to spill her own or anyone else’s, not touch anyone’s food.
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