Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals

by Jeffery Self

  The Top 10 Things the Best-Friend-to-the-Gays Wants to Hear

  1. “Are you Chad’s younger sister?”

  2. “You look like a Disney heroine.”

  3. “I love your shoes!” (when said by a drag queen)

  4. “I’m gay, but if I were going to hook up with a girl, it would so be you!”

  5. “We should totally be Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen for Halloween!” (when said by Chad)

  6. “You should seriously have your own reality show.”

  7. “You are a diva!”

  8. “I wish I had the courage to have your bangs.”

  9. “You should sing live somewhere besides karaoke.”

  10. “I love you because you tell it like it is!”

  AVERSIONS

  Other females who threaten her relationship with Chad.

  MIGRATION PATTERN

  Wherever Chad brings her.

  HABITAT

  You guessed it. With Chad.

  TURN-ONS

  Shirtless photos of Matt Bomer, calling herself Chad’s “Grace,” an eclectic taste in music, being compared to Scarlett Johannson, and Chad.

  TURN-OFFS

  Chad’s new boyfriend, Jake.

  There are also numerous other smaller groups within the Heterosexual community, including the following:

  THE ADORKABLE HETEROSEXUAL GIRL

  Thanks in part to quirky celebrities like Zooey Deschanel, Heterosexuals have coined the term adorkable. I know what you’re thinking: what an obnoxious word. And you know what? You’re absolutely, 100 percent right. However, this spotter’s guide wouldn’t be complete without mentioning this adorably nerdy girl who decks herself out in clothes her mom wore in high school, the girl who can play ’90s Nickelodeon theme songs on her ukulele, and the girl who carries a Hello Kitty lunch box for a purse.

  THE 50-AND-FABULOUS HETEROSEXUAL FEMALE

  This Heterosexual Female is 50-something, and, thanks in part to extremely vocal celebrities like Jamie Lee Curtis, has vowed to be fabulous in her middle age. Furthermore, this Heterosexual Female makes it her mission to let literally everyone know about this by constantly shouting, “I’m 50 and fabulous!” any time she’s had even half a glass of chardonnay.

  The Top 10 Things That the 50-and-Fabulous Likes

  1. Fitting into her daughter’s clothes.

  2. Talking about how she can fit into her daughter’s clothes.

  3. Totally age-inappropriate shirtless photos of Patrick Schwarzenegger.

  4. Full-body Spanx.

  5. Josh Groban.

  6. Michael Bublé.

  7. Referencing Helen Mirren’s impressive beach body any chance she gets.

  8. Fifty Shades of Grey.

  9. Flirting with waiters who may or may not be the same age as her son.

  10. Saint Lane Bryant.

  THE MIDLIFE CRISIS MALE

  A similar case to the 50-and-Fabulous Female, but drastically different in approach. The Midlife Crisis Male* has had a similar awakening to live his middle age to the fullest; however, this springs from the desire to have sex with women in their 20s and drive a sports car, as opposed to feeling fabulous. The Midlife Crisis Male will often leave his wife for a younger woman, will attempt to grow a ponytail, and, for a brief period, will shorten his name to something like Chet.

  THE SASSY BLACK LADY

  The Sassy Black Lady can fit in anywhere among the Heterosexual culture and beyond. Church? Certainly! Football games? Sure. Gay bars? Definitely. Straight bars? Yes. Reality television? It’s a match made in heaven.

  My Top Five Favorite Sassy Black Heterosexual Ladies

  1. Nene Leakes: This Sassy Black Lady got famous for being a Real Housewife, by which I mean throwing drinks in people’s faces and saying things like, “I got yo number, hussy!”

  2. Phylicia Rashad: an American institution since 1952.

  3. Madea: Sure, she’s just Tyler Perry in drag, but she’s still fantastic. And Tyler Perry is a Heterosexual. Right?

  4. Karen: A lady who lives in my building and always greets me in the elevator by saying, “Oh, hey, sugar pie honey sweet baby darlin’.” She really gets me.

  5. Star Jones: By far one of the craziest people in the United States and hands down my favorite African-American former talk show personality who got fired after having an insanely public marriage to what turned out to be a gay man, and then had gastric-bypass surgery.

  THE I’M-NOT-GAY-BUT-I-MADE-OUT-WITH-A-GIRL-IN-COLLEGE HETEROSEXUAL FEMALE

  This Heterosexual Female reached her peak in college and is still struggling to regain that same enthusiasm, happiness, and secure social circle that suited her so well during her long-gone days at Florida State. After one too many appletinis, this Heterosexual Female always tells the story that once, during freshmen year, she got really drunk at the White Trash Party and ended up making out with Meagan Taylor. She doesn’t know it, but this is the last time she was happy.

  JACK NICHOLSON

  There’s only one, but it needed to be said.

  THE CAT LADY

  The Cat Lady is a long-standing subgroup of the Heterosexual population. This female has a stable job, a Time Warner Cable subscription, at least two cats, and one or all of the Twilight books on her nightstand at all times. While this female has some semblance of a social life and an impressively high score on online Monopoly, she much prefers the comforts of a DVR-ed episode of Castle to the ever-grueling world of dating, relationships, or leaving the house. The Heterosexual Cat Lady is my spirit animal.

  THE GAMER

  This Heterosexual Male spends the majority of his time in sweatpants, playing video games. Oftentimes he’s self-employed or works from home as a telemarketer, blogger, or as the actor Seth Rogen. Girlfriends are usually nonexistent, fictional, or incredibly frustrated.

  THE TEEN MOM

  With the assistance of surging hormones and keys to her family’s lake house, this Heterosexual Female accidentally becomes pregnant. This phenomenon has been heavily documented on the MTV series Teen Mom, where real-life Teen Moms are made famous for having sex without a condom, then screaming at their mom for not buying more toilet paper. Teen Moms are the seagulls of Heterosexuals, in that they’re quite common and often migrate to Florida.

  THE ELDERLY HETEROSEXUAL

  Your grandparents are likely Elderly Heterosexuals, so you probably know this is a culture of people with very old-fashioned sensibilities and opinions. Sure, they might say something a little racist from time to time, but it’s best to overlook it and enjoy the short time you have left to spend with them. These Heterosexuals tend to be extremely skilled at baking pies from scratch, not claiming their own farts, and constantly asking the same question: “Why isn’t Milton Berle around anymore?” For more extensive research on the Elderly Heterosexual, watch an episode of The Golden Girls or just follow Betty White on Twitter.

  Now that you understand the prevalent breeds within the Heterosexual kingdom, you are one step closer to being a skilled Heterosexual Watcher. Remember: Try to memorize these breeds so you don’t have to consult the guide while you’re out in the field, and if you have any questions, just give me a call.

  *When Heterosexual Married Couples say this, what they really mean is, “Not ripping each other’s throats out and stomping them into bloody pulps on a daily basis.”

  *Angelina Jolie is an American actress and all around Weirdo with a capital W. When she broke up the beloved marriage of Brad Pitt and Saint Jennifer Aniston, she not only wrecked a home, but she divided a country. Those of us who never had that big of a problem with Angelina Jolie were forced to look at her as more than a nut job who made out with her brother when she won an Academy Award, and instead see her for who she really is: the woman who destroyed Rachel from Friends’ life.

  *The Man Cave is a designated room in a Married Couple’s home where the male is allowed to keep all the things the female cannot abide, such as posters from Quentin Tarantino movies, video game sy
stems, and a stained futon left over from the male’s college dorm room that he cannot bear to part with because of the “memories” (a.k.a. that three-way he had with his girlfriend and Stacey, the chemistry major who lived next door and who always got naked anytime she was drunk or it was a weekday or a weekend).

  *Miller Time is a designated hour in Heterosexual culture that can happen basically whenever someone declares it to be so. Once it is declared, everyone is expected to drink a Miller beer, no matter what time of day it is.

  *A keg stand is when a Heterosexual positions himself upside down atop a keg of cold beer. The object of a keg stand is to chug beer from the keg’s spout until one falls off or passes out. I have done a keg stand once in my entire life, and it was at a party in someone’s backyard. There were tons of Heterosexuals there, but when I did this alleged keg stand, I counterbalanced it by the fact that I happened to be wearing a costume from the local community theater’s production of Cats (long story). No joke. You’re reading the words of a man who’s done a keg stand in a lycra body suit and cat ears meant for a musical theater character named Rum Tum Tugger.

  *Cracker Barrel is a restaurant chain specializing in the kind of food your grandma would have made. It’s known for its comfortable rocking chairs on the front porch, its liberal use of gravy, and the gift shops you must walk through in order to be seated. These gift shops sell everything you could ever need if you’re a 50-something-born-again Christian woman who is in the market for an old-fashioned chess set or an Andy Griffith Show puzzle.

  *The ultimate Midlife Crisis Male is Ryan O’Neal. Once a handsome movie star, now a whacky old man who shows up on talk shows every once in a while to seem drunk and say something crazy. Ryan O’Neal slipped so far into the Midlife Crisis Male lifestyle that he tried to pick up his estranged daughter after not recognizing her at his girlfriend’s funeral. Classy.

  Heterosexual Habitats

  IN THIS CHAPTER, I’M GOING TO DISCUSS HETEROSEXUAL HABITATS. When it comes to habitat, every Heterosexual is as different as each member of the Jackson family. However, now that I’m thinking about it, everyone in the Jackson family is pretty similar to everyone else in the Jackson family, by which I obviously mean bat shit crazy.

  Heterosexuals tend to gravitate toward comfort more than the experimental style found among other species, with some rare exceptions that I will discuss below.

  I grew up in a lovely Heterosexual home that included many staples that will help you get a sense of what you’re likely to find in a Heterosexual Habitat:

  An enormous portrait photograph of an eight-year-old me made to look like a photograph from the twenties. (Heterosexuals love making old-fashioned-looking family photos.)

  A shotgun stored under my parents’ bed.

  A plaid sofa with matching pillows.

  A leather recliner. (Heterosexual Males think of leather recliners the same way I think of coming home and putting a Lily Tomlin comedy album on my record player and pretending I’m her for a solid two hours, by which I mean it relaxes them.)

  Every Southern Living cookbook that’s been published since 1975.

  Three copies of the Bible that various family members gave to me when I was born, but inside of which I wrote my name over and over until I learned to write other basic kid words like pee pee and Liza.

  Catalogues from places like Eddie Bauer, J. Crew, and Cigar of the Month Club.

  Female hygiene products under every sink in the house.*

  A liquor cabinet that would always remain stocked until I turned 17 and realized I lived somewhere with a liquor cabinet that always remained stocked.

  This is just an example of one Heterosexual home. Not all Heterosexual Habitats have the aforementioned things, except for plaid sofas. Every Heterosexual owns a plaid sofa. There are a handful of other things you can find in almost every Heterosexual home as well.

  The Top 10 Things That Are Most Commonly Found in the Home of a Heterosexual

  1. A zip-up Snuggie with the label L.L. Bean or Patagonia.

  2. Clogs (any sort of clog, but usually one made by Clarks).

  3. Coupons for Domino’s Pizza stuck to the refrigerator with a magnet in the shape of West Virginia.

  4. Two or more products made by Old Spice.

  5. Remember the Titans on DVD.

  6. One of those electronic, taxidermied fish that sings “Take Me to the Water” when you push the red button.

  7. Country Apple–scented candles.

  8. A CD tower containing Alanis Morissette’s album Jagged Little Pill that hasn’t been touched since 1999, but that no one has thought to get rid of.

  9. Any sort of cowboy hat or variation thereof.

  10. A weathered copy of The Joy of Cooking on the same shelf as Rachael Ray’s 30-Minute Meals.

  The Habitats

  It’s highly likely that you’ll find at least one of those items in any of the popular Heterosexual Habitats outlined below. These are the most common habitats of the Heterosexual.

  Major Metropolitan Areas

  Many Heterosexuals can be found in major metropolitan areas, usually in a one-bedroom apartment or duplex. These Heterosexuals typically vote Democratic, have tried Indonesian food at least once, claim to have seen all of Wes Anderson’s movies, and personally know a bare minimum of three aspiring graphic novelists. These Heterosexuals procreate less frequently than others of their species, based solely on the fact that their apartments are usually a maximum of 500 square feet. Heterosexual archetypes like the Outspoken Liberal (page 51), the Single Wannabe Carrie Bradshaw Female (page 31), and the Metrosexual (page 35) can be found in these environments.

  The Golf Course Subdivision

  An elite group of very attractive, purebred Heterosexuals reside in golf course subdivisions (sprawling green landmasses Heterosexuals flock to for a quiet, never-ending escapade called golf,* which utilizes sticks, balls, and high-priced polo shirts). These golf course subdivisions are their own communities of manicured lawns, enormous SUVs, and Junior Service Leagues—and some of them even allow black people nowadays! Heterosexual archetypes like Outspoken Conservatives (page 54) and Married Couples (page 38) can be found in these environments.

  Rural Areas

  Many Heterosexuals prefer the quiet comfort of nature and seclusion. Far from city life, these Heterosexuals build a habitat among the silent splendor of the great outdoors (the place, not the movie with John Candy and Annette Bening*). These Heterosexuals reside in a variety of nests, including cabins, AirStream trailers, and double-wides. They are most identifiable by their dirty coats and broad collections of belt buckles and/or bolos. Pretty much any Heterosexual archetype can be found in these places—except for the Metrosexual. If there’s one thing Metrosexuals avoid it is double-wides—as well as Willie Nelson music and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

  Suburbia

  Located just outside a large city, these suburban neighborhoods are for working-class Heterosexual families interested in strip malls, good schools, T.J. Maxx clearance sales, day care, and reliable places to rent those inflatable play units for children’s birthday parties. These communities were portrayed perfectly on the hit TV series Desperate Housewives (minus the excessive murder, adultery, and Felicity Huffman*). Heterosexual archetypes such as the Married Couple (page 38) love suburbia.

  These next locales are specific places and are slightly less common as Heterosexual Habitats than the ones mentioned above, but are still popular enough to warrant discussion.

  Seattle

  This is a habitat many Heterosexuals call home. Besides having the highest suicide rate of any American city, Seattle has provided the world with such Heterosexual favorites as Starbucks, Pearl Jam, and iconic Heterosexual music artist Kenny G. If you get stuck in a conversation with Heterosexuals from Seattle, chances are they love to talk about how happy they are to live there, so stick with that.

  Nashville

  Known for its country music scene, this Heterosexual mecca is hom
e to some of the world’s biggest country music superstars. Heterosexual stars like Martina McBride, Keith Urban, and Carrie Underwood call this Southern city home. For me, Nashville stands out because not only does Keith Urban live there, but so does his wife, Nicole Kidman! One time my mom’s friend Sharon met Nicole Kidman in the bathroom of a Cracker Barrel while visiting Tennessee, and if that’s not a reason to live there, then I don’t know what is.

  The San Fernando Valley

  Located just outside of Los Angeles, this area could arguably be included in the suburbia category, but I think it deserves its own mention. The San Fernando Valley is where Heterosexuals working in show business live, due to easy access to sizable houses, pretty lawns, and an abundance of drive-through food options.

  Vermont

  The most liberal of Outspoken Liberals (page 51) live in Vermont. It’s the kind of place where lesbian-used bookstores that specialize in mysteries written in the 1970s are more common than corporate-owned grocery stores. Heterosexuals living in Vermont have names like Jade, Zane, and Peaceflower Jones.