by Jeffery Self
Obviously, these aren’t the only places you’ll find Heterosexuals. That’s the beauty of Heterosexuals—they’re everywhere. Maybe you know some great Heterosexual Habitats you think I might have forgotten. If so, maybe you should stop being so critical and turn to the next page so I can teach you about the Heterosexual lifestyle. See what I did there? That’s called a transition. It’s also called throwing shade!*
*The day that a pack of female hygiene products arrived in the bathroom my older sister and I shared, I was extremely confused, but didn’t want to ask because I sensed I wasn’t supposed to. Instead, I opened a pack of women’s pads and wore one inside my briefs for an entire day of school just to see how it felt. And my family was surprised when I told them I was gay.
*See Golf (page 92).
*Two actors popular with Heterosexuals, but neither popular enough to win Academy Awards.
*I do not endorse any of those three things.
*What is shade? First of all, this is not a Heterosexual term; in fact, it is far from it. Shade describes the tell-it-like-it-is attitude of gay men, drag queens, and a handful of Sassy Black Ladies (page 63). For example, look over at that very gay cashier in the store you’re standing in and watch as he rolls his eyes and judgmentally glares at that woman who’s been staring at blouses in the clearance section for the past two hours. That is shade.
The Heterosexual Lifestyle
THE HETEROSEXUAL LIFESTYLE MIGHT SURPRISE SOME OF YOU. For others, it might be exactly what you expected. If you’re part of the latter group, please go along with this because the rest of the class (by the way, I’ve started thinking of this as a class and I’m the teacher, but a nice teacher, like the cute, young guy teacher on Glee, not Jane Lynch and her startlingly broad shoulders) isn’t as worldly as you.
Now that you’ve learned about so many breeds of Heterosexuals, you might be overwhelmed by exactly how to spot one of them. Fear not. If you know what key physical traits to look for, spotting a Heterosexual can be as easy as tying your shoes— unless you don’t have hands, in which case, how did you pick up this book and turn to this page to begin with? You, dear reader, are a true survivor.
How to Spot a Heterosexual Male
This is clearly a Heterosexual Male. How can I tell? Because I’m very smart. Also because I have studied the Heterosexual Male so closely that I have received more restraining orders than Michael Lohan. The Heterosexual Male gives himself away through many distinguishing features that you, too, can spot in the Heterosexuals around you.
Facial Hair
This Heterosexual hasn’t shaved in at least four days, and has no intention of doing so anytime soon. See the way it grows in full across his chin and upper lip? It’s not because he’s going for the scruffy international look that I’ve been trying to master since 2009; it’s because this Heterosexual spends too much time playing World of Warcraft, and because his girlfriend has always had a thing for truckers.
Jeans
Jeans are almost always the perfect indicator. The typical Heterosexual Male prefers the comfort of a loose pair of jeans, usually a straight-leg or “carpenter-style” cut, with the added mind-set of the more pockets the better. Oftentimes, these pockets feature an embroidered pattern or design on the back that looks like something Prince would have changed his name to in the mid-1990s.
Boxers or Briefs
When spotting any male in a pair of boxer shorts, you can pretty much assume that he is a Heterosexual. Personally, I haven’t worn a pair of pants loose enough to wear with boxers since I was at least 12 or 13. That said, I also have a Kelly Ripa tank top hanging in my closet.
The Ne Plus Ultra Signifier: Shoes
Shoes are the clearest marker of the Heterosexual. The Heterosexual Male loves a comfortable shoe above all else. Back when I lived in New York, I could determine a hot guy’s sexuality in a matter of seconds just by glancing down at his shoes on the subway. Robin’s-egg blue Pumas with skinny jeans? Not a heterosexual. A pair of Reeboks that look so old they might have gone to elementary school with Cloris Leachman? Heterosexual!
Now, there is one exception that tosses all previously discussed rules and ideas out the window, by which I mean Europeans! European Males can really throw you for a loop when you’re Heterosexual Watching. They are the juggernaut of all Heterosexual spotting, much like their cousins the Metrosexuals. The European fashion, coiffed hair, and extensive cultural taste might lead one to automatically assume that he’s gayer than a Flipping Out marathon on Bravo, but with European Males you must look closer to determine whether or not you’ve spotted a Heterosexual. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself while attempting to determine whether the man you’ve spotted is gay or merely European.
The Top 10 Ways to Tell If He’s Gay or European
1. Does he speak with an accent?
2. Are you sure it’s an accent and not the voice of someone trained to be a professional theater actor?
3. When you say the Queen, does he assume you’re speaking about Queen Elizabeth or Olivia Newton-John?
4. Hold up a photo of Victoria Beckham and wait for his response. If he’s European and straight, he’ll say something like “She’s a total 10, mate!” But if he’s gay, he’ll simply point at the photo and shout “Diva!”
5. What do his teeth look like? I’m not saying that no European man has good teeth, but I am saying that no gay man has bad teeth.
Gay
European
6. Turn on Beyoncé’s “Love on Top” and see what happens to his shoulders. This will answer any and all questions you have, plus it’s one of the best pop songs ever.
7. Look at the people he follows on Twitter. Keira Knightley? European. Kyra Sedgwick? Gay.
8. European men are still pissed off at Sarah Ferguson, the former Duchess of York, for attempting to sell stories about the Prince to tabloids. However, gay people simply get her confused with Wynonna Judd and will use this as an opportunity to make a jab at Wynonna’s movie star sister, Ashley.
9. European men are still into capri pants, and gay men haven’t gone near them since before Justin Bieber was born.
10. Ask him if he’s seen Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s movie Winning London. If he’s never heard of it, he’s likely European. If he has seen it, he’s most definitely gay and, on a sidenote, has extremely questionable taste.
Try to avoid topics such as Downton Abbey, Elton John, fitted V-neck T-shirts, comedian Graham Norton, and glasses designed by Oliver Peoples, as these discussions will merely leave you just as confused as you were to begin with.
How to Spot a Heterosexual Female
Spotting a Heterosexual Female can prove a bit more difficult than spotting the Heterosexual Male. While Heterosexual Males sport many unique accessories and articles of clothing that easily identify them as straight, the Heterosexual Female may be a bit more mysterious. Look to these key warning signs to help you in your spotting.
A Perfectly Messy Bun
What is a perfectly messy bun? It’s when the Heterosexual Female gets her hair into just the right bun that appears effortlessly stylish and seemingly accidental. The sole intention of wearing a perfectly messy bun is to make both her friends and strangers see her and wonder, “Gosh, Lisa doesn’t even have to try to look flawless.” On average, a Heterosexual Female will spend upwards of an hour and 45 minutes perfecting this perfectly messy bun.
The Boyfriend Tee
This is a T-shirt that closely resembles or actually is the Heterosexual Female’s boyfriend’s T-shirt. Usually very soft from excess washing and oversized (unless the Heterosexual Female is partnered with a little person, in which case all bets are off and P.S. can I meet him?). The intention of the shirt is to let the world know that the Heterosexual Female has a boyfriend without her having to announce it everywhere she goes. Special points are given to boyfriend tees that feature the emblem of her boyfriend’s alma mater. Someone, maybe not even the Heterosexual Female, maybe a gay man in his early 20s who has a
great life and a lot to offer the world but just couldn’t quite get it together enough to go on a date from the years of 2005 through 2010, but is really nice and hey, he wrote a book (doesn’t that count for something?), might have, at one time in 2010, bought an old, worn-out T-shirt at a local thrift shop and wore it to coffee with friends and claimed it belonged to “Phillip from Hoboken” just to make himself feel a little less lonely. Hypothetically.
Belly Button Rings
Now, I’m not saying all Heterosexual Females have these, but a lot of them do. The belly button ring is found on a very specific kind of Heterosexual Female. To generalize, one who expects to show her midriff often enough to warrant stabbing a hole through her naval and decorating it with a cheap earring. Why do these Heterosexual Females do this? Who knows, but my theory is that it serves as a tracking device within the Heterosexual species, a calling card to let possible romantic candidates know “I’m proud of my tummy and I want to mate with you,” without having to say that out loud.
Diet Coke
All Heterosexual Females prefer Diet Coke over any other soda option. Ordering a Diet Coke serves as a verbal mantra for the Heterosexual Female that she is, in fact, doing her part to stay fit. Even though the words she uttered before this were disco fries with extra gravy.
Brunch
You can spot a Heterosexual Female at brunch by eavesdropping on her conversation with friends. Topics that will immediately reveal the female as Heterosexual include the cost of moisturizers, Isaac Mizrahi’s fashion line at Target, how the female’s boyfriend and/or husband doesn’t appreciate Gayle King nearly enough, the books of Emily Griffin, guilt over how many Weight Watchers points are involved in ordering the pecan French toast, and declaring “I’m worth it” in regard to said French toast and the six mimosas she has just consumed.
Girls’ Night and Boys’ Night
Another easy way to spot Heterosexual Females is by observing them in a popular ritual known as a girls’ night. A girls’ night is a social practice among Heterosexual Females that isn’t all that different than brunch, except that no one orders French toast and if they do it isn’t my place to judge. These events are held on a designated night for them to gather together, let loose, drink cosmopolitans, and have a night just for the ladies. Customarily, they are held in high-end restaurants and bars, but in some cases they are held in unusual venues, such as nail salons, spas, and sex shops where Heterosexual Females purchase boxes of dried pasta in the shape of male genitalia and are given tutorials on how to give better blow jobs.
During a girls’ night, Heterosexual Females discuss their careers, their hopes, and their dreams, but most often complain about the Heterosexual Males in their lives. Some experts say a girls’ night is simply code for a “Can I talk about how bad my boyfriend’s balls smell?!” night. This therapeutic practice of getting together with friends to get things off one’s chest is frequently compared to traditional Native American powwows, Wiccan Sabbat rituals, or AA meetings, except, y’know, with booze.
These evenings tend to get rowdy and loud and are not meant for the inexperienced Heterosexual Watcher. You must enter these encounters on high alert, as there’s a fair chance you’ll end up seeing a grown woman cry over something that happened to her in high school or a mother of three confess that the only way she can have an orgasm is to watch Johnny Depp in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.*
Heterosexual Females aren’t the only ones to have a special night like this; Heterosexual Males do it just as often as Females, however, with vastly different intentions and activities. This is called a boys’ night.
Like a girls’ night, a boys’ night is a designated evening for Heterosexual Males to bond and cut loose. Heterosexual Males gather, usually in living rooms but sometimes in sports bars, around television sets broadcasting games such as football, basketball, and baseball. To fully understand a boys’ night, you must first understand the sports around which these evenings are often planned.**
Football
Of all the sports out there, I probably understand this one the least, unless you count dog fighting as a sport, but if you do then put this book down and turn yourself into the police right now. I do not support dog fighting, and I don’t have the time or the energy to try to explain football to someone who does. So go! Get out of here. Football is an extremely complex game in which two teams compete to be in control of a strange-shaped ball made from the skin of a pig. Football players wear helmets, cleats, jerseys, and huge shoulder pads that surpass even the ones worn on such ’80s television programs as Dynasty and Designing Women.
Baseball
If someone put a gun to my head and forced me to watch a sports game on TV, I’d (A) be really weirded out by the hostility and probably call 9-1-1 and (B) pick baseball. By default, baseball is my favorite sport, by which I mean it’s the only sport I have ever watched with my dad and come close to understanding. It’s pretty easy to comprehend; again, there are two teams (which seems to be a common theme with these sports) and again they are using a ball (another common theme), but this time the ball is smaller and not made of pigskin. However, I’m not sure what material is used in its place. Maybe it’s like a pigeon’s anal glands or something. In baseball, they introduce another prop, which is a bat. These bats are not to be confused with the ones that fly around at night and turn into Robert Pattinson; they are long, heavy shafts used to hit the ball into the air. Then the object of the game is to run to three different bases before the ball is thrown back to the catcher, a man covered in a long pad that looks like a massaging mattress pad from Brookstone and a helmet. When a player is able to pass all three bases before the ball gets back to the catcher, it is called a home run, an achievement that sends Heterosexual fans into the kind of crazy frenzy found at race-related riots and Katy Perry concerts.
Golf
This is not a team sport, which makes it a great afternoon hobby for wealthy Heterosexual men and unemployed lesbians. In this game, one uses the tiniest ball yet. It is definitely not made from the skin of an animal, but is instead made from a very hard plastic that, if thrown at someone’s head in the middle of the cafeteria during the seventh grade when you’re just minding your own business eating beef stroganoff and sitting all by yourself, can really hurt, but not nearly as much as the names one is called while the ball is flying at one’s head.
Golf is definitely the most elite of all sports, because no one gets dirty and it is played on beautiful green acres of land called courses. Golf consists of 18 holes, and the object of the game is to get the small ball into each hole in as few tries as possible. The player uses an assortment of clubs (a prop that is very similar to baseball’s bat, but is instead swung from the ground in an upward direction). Different clubs are used for different things and, in the case of Tiger Woods, they are used for both the game and by his wife to beat the shit out of him for sleeping around with like four billion other women.
My uncle Bert was a golf pro at the local country club in my hometown and for a very weird summer of my life I decided to get into golf, mainly because I discovered that you got to wear a single glove like Michael Jackson and hang around middle-aged women who were drunk in the middle of the day.
In the game, you are expected to play the full 18 holes, or nine if you’re playing half, or two if you’re playing with the 12-year-old gay kid that I once was. As with the other sports, someone is declared a winner.
Basketball
Much to my surprise, this game has nothing to do with hand-woven baskets and literally nothing to do with Easter or the bunny who represents it. The name comes from the fact that the ball is dribbled across the court with the goal of throwing it way up to a net formation called a basket.
Players tend to be extremely tall and always very, very sweaty. The professional game is played indoors and, not to bring it back to Whoopi Goldberg again, but my closest connection to the sport came when she made a movie about it called Eddie. It’s an OK movie, not bad for a �
��90s Whoopi movie. Honestly, it came out during that rough period of like three Whoopi movies a year when you were lucky when even one of them wasn’t completely bat shit insane.
For the more daring and experienced of Heterosexual Watchers, I suggest going undercover in a disguise to one of these boys’ nights or girls’ nights, depending on the gender you’re most interested in observing. For the girls’ night, borrow a basic jumper or wrap skirt from any female friend or from your male friend who performs as Miss Anita Drink on Saturdays at a place called Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood. For the boys’ night, throw on any sports-related jersey and baseball cap, but please remember to know what team the hat is for. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been caught in public wearing a New York Yankees hat, only to be asked by a random Heterosexual, “Did you see the game last night?” In this event, the Heterosexual will assume you know what he’s talking about and, frankly, it really is your fault for wearing the hat to begin with. Unless you’re fully prepared to answer team-related questions, I recommend buying a hat with no team logo printed on it. The Gap has some really cute pastel-colored hats on sale right now.
Feeling overwhelmed by all this Heterosexual talk? Don’t be. I’m here to help. When I first started Heterosexual Watching, I was just as confused as you. I’d look at these loving creatures and wonder, “Huh?!” By this point in the book, you can probably guess that I obviously didn’t have many friends growing up; as a result, I watched a lot of television. Specifically sitcoms. The art of the sitcom has done wonders for Heterosexual Watchers like myself, giving us a direct, intimate glimpse into the Heterosexual Married Couple (page 38), the Single Wannabe Carrie Bradshaw Female (page 31), and on the popular show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, the Heterosexual Teenage Witch living with two supernatural spinsters and a talking cat.
