by Jeffery Self
Here is a direct transcript from my interview with a very nice Heterosexual Female I met at the gym, during which I get to the bottom of whether what I’ve learned about Heterosexuals from television is true or false.
So, in conclusion, yes. Friends is a 100 percent accurate depiction of the Heterosexual Lifestyle. Speaking of Jennifer Aniston,* did you know that noted Heterosexual John Mayer has dated not only Jennifer, but also Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, and my own mother? OK. Not the last one but, hey, there’s still time. Right, Mom?
John Mayer has a lot going for him. For one, he’s insanely talented and famous, and two, back in 2009 he was sizzling hot; having been hot in 2009 can really go a long way for Heterosexual Males. Just ask Gerard Butler. It’s unfair to compare the common Heterosexual Male’s mating rituals to that of John Mayer; he’s a special case that should be studied, in depth, by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
How the Heterosexual Male Attracts a Mate
The following, however, is how the common Heterosexual Male approaches mating, adopting one of the intriguingly different approaches outlined below.
Dating
A practice whereby one Heterosexual asks another of the opposite sex to spend time together, usually alone in a mating- or proto-mating pair. In modern times, initiation of this behavior is no longer a gender-specific phenomenon. The Heterosexual Female can ask out the male, or vice versa. When the male does the asking, these “dates” usually include dinner at a restaurant that “only locals go to,” which he claims to have heard about from a friend but found in the Zagat Restaurant Guide he received as a Secret Santa gift at work last Christmas. For other dates, the male often takes the female to see a movie he knows she wants to see, and secretly wants to see himself. Everybody can appreciate Ryan Gosling!
Scent
Like many other members of the animal kingdom, the Heterosexual Male understands that scent is a medium of attraction. However, most Heterosexual Males don’t want to spend an arm and a leg on high-priced cologne. Instead, Heterosexual Males resort to a substance called Axe Body Spray, a low-cost perfume marketed specifically to Heterosexual Males through commercials where the body spray transforms women into psychotic nymphomaniacs who seem to somehow have keys to every man in America’s home and use said keys to break in while he’s taking a shower. I don’t know about you, but if six sexed-up ladies burst into my bathroom while I was taking a shower just because of the kind of body wash I had chosen to use, I would (A) call the police and scream like a little girl until they got there, and (B) quickly rethink my body wash products. While the actual result of using Axe Body Spray is never as intense as advertised, the body spray is rather attractive to the Heterosexual Female, presumably, at least given her alternatives.
His “Good Shirt”
Most Heterosexual Males own something each calls his “good shirt.” The “good shirt” is an attractive and stylish shirt purchased on sale at Express two years earlier (to wear to his cousin Lisa’s wedding or funeral; Lisa had a weird 2011). The Heterosexual Female is impressed by the gesture such self-adornment represents and, as their mating rituals accelerate, she will see more of this shirt, until she finally breaks down and buys him a second “good shirt,” followed quickly by a third.
His Best High School Sports Story
Even if they didn’t play a high school sport, all Heterosexual Males claim to have been “the best player on the team.” The Heterosexual Male uses his sporting glory days to lure a prospective female into believing he is some kind of athletic superhuman. The Heterosexual Female can expect to hear phrases like, “People still talk about my throw” or “And everyone started cheering, ‘Charlie! Charlie!’ But I just kept running for the ball” or “They were really serious about my going professional, but I was just too interested in working at my dad’s hardware store.”
How the Heterosexual Female Attracts a Mate
On the opposite end of the spectrum, Heterosexual Females prefer much more strategic approaches to mating. However, if a Heterosexual Female seriously likes the male, she will actively try to seal the romantic deal, oftentimes resorting to ultimatums; as a reference point, listen to Beyoncé’s hit song “Single Ladies,” in which she tells the male in question that if he liked “it” then he should have put a ring on “it.” The “it” in question here is obviously her ring finger, but it’s a bigger message than this, the message being that Heterosexual Females rightfully know what they want and go for it. Also that Beyoncé is Fierce with a capital F.
The Initial Encounter
This early interaction sets the tone for the entire mating process. When the female portrays herself as shy, subdued, or hard to get, the male must woo her with mixed CDs,* greeting cards that play Taylor Swift songs, and phrases like deep connection. This process can prove to be immensely expensive and tiring for the male. In the case of a more aggressive Heterosexual Female or one with the helpful assistance of alcohol, the female may come on quite strong, igniting a more fast-paced mating process that is usually welcomed by the Heterosexual Male. This female is sometimes deemed by society as “easy,” which is considered both highly derogatory and a reason for giving someone a reality television show.
Primping
The Heterosexual Female beautifully decorates herself with makeup, trendy clothing, jewelry, styled hair, and perfume. A good indication of the female’s interest in the male is just how much time she’s spent on her appearance. If a Heterosexual Female shows up on a date in sweatpants and a Mets cap, it’s safe to assume her interest is relatively low or that she is a lesbian of the butch persuasion. However, if she shows up dressed like Sandy in the last scene of Grease* after she gets all cool and sexy and wears a leather jacket and Rizzo may or may not have lost the baby she was freaking out about in the scene before, it’s safe to assume the female is either very interested or secretly a drag queen.
Facebook-Stalking
While this activity is practiced by both genders, the female nearly always outperforms the male. In order to weed out the duds, many females will research a possible mate on Facebook, discovering everything about his past and present, his favorite movies, and how fat he was in college. Warning: Heterosexuals should wait a minimum of two weeks before poking their possible mate and an additional three weeks before following him on Instagram. (Too many filtered photos of brunch dishes and your neighbor’s puppy have never helped anybody find the love of her life, ladies!)
Common Interests
This can come from Facebook-stalking or from a good old-fashioned conversation; either way, when the female discovers an interest of her male counterpart, she will often use this to her advantage, claiming to also have enjoyed the first three seasons of The Wire and that, she, too, thinks Jet Skis are “totally awesome.”
This practice can prove both successful and highly dangerous. My friend Colleen once really, really liked a guy and discovered from some serious Facebook-stalking that he was extremely into dirt bikes. I immediately warned Colleen that men with dirt bikes are just one step above men who wear raccoon tails from their belts as a fashion accessory. She didn’t listen and instead claimed to be obsessed with dirt bikes, too. Colleen was in an arm brace and leg cast within a week. By lying and not being her true self, Colleen not only screwed things up with a guy she really liked, but also injured herself so badly she had to miss The Sound of Music Sing-Along at the Hollywood Bowl, which we had tickets to go to the following weekend. So guess who had to go out in public as Kurt von Trapp in lederhosen without his Brigitta anywhere in sight? Whatever. It’s fine, Colleen. I’m over it now.
Other Uses of Facebook for the Heterosexual Female
Other Heterosexuals randomly meet their mates at social functions due to happenstance or fate. Such social functions include bars, hip-hop listening parties, the park, or cocktail parties. At some point in all of our lives, we will find ourselves at a Heterosexual cocktail party.* Do not panic and do no
t be alarmed. That is the all-time worst way to begin the evening. Or any evening for that matter. Panicking at cocktail parties is like sitting through an entire episode of The Good Wife: After a few glasses of wine, sure, it seems like a good idea, but ultimately it just isn’t worth it.
What to Expect at a Heterosexual Cocktail Party
A Heterosexual cocktail party can be lots of fun if you know what to expect; some of my favorite nights have been at Heterosexual cocktail parties. Obviously, they serve as a great place for some in-depth Heterosexual Watching.
Presliced Cheese Platters
Heterosexuals love those trays of cheese that have already been sliced when you buy them from the prepared-food deli case at the store. Even if they’ve gone to the effort to move the presliced cheese onto actual dishware, do not be fooled; this cheese was cut long before they bought it, and, no, that wasn’t a fart joke. Farting at cocktail parties, by the way, is usually frowned upon.
What Should I Bring?
Good question. A bottle of wine is a perfectly respectable gift,* and if you want to think outside the box, consider a scented candle or a decorative figurine. Heterosexuals love those candles that smell like baked goods and any sort of Precious Moments figurine. Gifts to avoid include edible clothing of any kind, Rita Wilson’s AM/FM CD, or, worst of all, do not regift the bottle of peach liqueur the hosts gave you for your birthday. I don’t care how much space it is taking up in your freezer; they will remember, and they will be hurt.
Heterosexual Gift-Giving
While we’re on the topic of gifts, at some point you will likely be searching for a gift to give the Heterosexuals in your life, either for Christmas, a birthday, or as an apology for spilling that pitcher of white Russians all over their brand new couch. Fear not! Consider one of the following suggestions:
Homemade bread: Heterosexuals will be touched by the notion that you took the time to make them bread; plus, if you are a Non-Heterosexual, Heterosexuals are always impressed by Non-Heterosexuals with good cooking skills. Even if you can’t bake bread, go to your local bakery, buy something fresh, take it home, wrap it in foil, and call it your own. The Heterosexual will say things like, “Jeffery is such a good baker! Gay people are great!” for weeks to come.
Gift cards: Heterosexuals love gift cards because you’re putting the decision in their hands. Stores all Heterosexuals love include Best Buy, Pier 1, Barnes & Noble, anywhere that sells dog clothing, and Target. Stores to avoid include locally owned Russian bookstores, Big & Tall stores, and places that only sell bootleg DVDs.
This book: Heterosexuals will love receiving a copy of this book for two reasons: (1) because Heterosexuals love reading about themselves, and (2) they’ll appreciate that you’re sharing something you love so intensely, and something that President Barack Obama has declared “vital reading for the general public.”*
Gadgets: Heterosexuals appreciate gadgets more than anyone else. So why not give them the latest electric back scratcher or battery-operated coaster that keeps coffee warm? Purchase a plane ticket to anywhere, board the plane, take your complimentary copy of Sky Mall magazine, and as soon as you arrive at your destination, start shopping!
Cash: Obviously.
Whiskey: If the Heterosexual you’re shopping for is anything like my dad, just buy him a nice bottle of whiskey, and it’ll be the best gift he’s received all year. I don’t think my sister and I have gotten my dad a nonalcoholic Christmas gift since we were 13.
Socks: All Heterosexuals need socks, unless they don’t have feet; in that case, I would suggest avoiding socks at all costs.
Edible Arrangements: Heterosexuals love to receive Edible Arrangements, flowerlike arrangements made out of fruit. I’ve never quite gotten the allure of this phenomenon, but Heterosexuals seem to go crazy for them. That said, wake me up when somebody comes up with a Drinkable Arrangement.
Music
It isn’t going to be your taste, but ignore that and enjoy it. A little John Mayer never hurt anybody. Well, actually, I think he hurt Taylor Swift and I can only assume Jennifer Aniston, but who hasn’t hurt Jennifer Aniston? I promise that is the last time I’m going to bring up John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston.*
Conversation
Get ready to talk about stuff you absolutely couldn’t care less about. I’m talking the Mets; I’m talking the economy; I’m talking why the Droid** is better than the iPhone. But you might learn some things, so listen. Making idle conversation with drunk Heterosexuals at a cocktail party is a great way to gain insight into their culture, and it’s also a good way to catch up on what’s been happening on ABC’s Bachelor Pad.
The Top 10 Things You Should Avoid While at a Heterosexual Cocktail Party
1. Cher impressions. I don’t care how great your friends tell you yours is, Heterosexuals will not care and also, to be honest, it isn’t that great.
2. Asking the Heterosexual Female host, “Are those real?”
3. Pretty much anything having to do with the Tony Awards.
4. Asking who has drugs, then saying you’re kidding, then saying, “No, but really.”
5. Saying, “Fuck the Beatles.”
6. Putting on a wig midway into the party—or at any point during the party, for that matter.
7. Showing up already wearing a wig. You might think it’s cute. The other guests will not.
8. Asking the hosts if they have any wigs.
9. Inviting 15 of your closest friends whose names you don’t remember.
10. Pretending you’re choking so the host’s boyfriend will give you mouth to mouth, then, right as he does, sticking your tongue down his throat and saying, “Gotcha!”
How Late Should I Plan to Stay?
Customarily, Heterosexual cocktail parties end on the earlier side, so don’t overstay your welcome. The hosts might casually suggest that they’d “better take Mindy out.” Mindy is the Heterosexuals’ dog, who will one day be completely forgotten and ignored once said Heterosexual hosts have a baby. Once the “walk the dog” line has been used, or the obligatory yawn stifled, you should politely leave. This is the end of the night, and just because you think cocktail parties should end with your showing everyone YouTube clips of girls in beauty pageants falling down does not mean others feel the same way.
Don’t Forget to Say Thank-You!
You should now thank your hosts and leave the cocktail party, and, by all means, do not, under any circumstances, take the bottle of wine you brought with you, just because it never got opened and just because liquor stores have all closed for the night and you literally don’t even have a beer at home and you’ve told everyone still there that you’re having an after-party at your place; this does not mean it is socially acceptable to take the bottle home with you. Just say thank-you, go home, and for God’s sake, go to bed; you have to work in the morning!
What to Expect at a Straight Bar
A Heterosexual cocktail party is much different from its sister encounter, Attending a Heterosexual Bar or Nightclub. Heterosexual behavior and protocol can be quite different in a person’s home than it is in a public setting. You will encounter far more intoxicated strangers at a Heterosexual Bar or Nightclub, and also, at a Heterosexual Bar, it’s extremely hard to control the television remote control. While at a Heterosexual’s home, you can casually pick up the remote and change it from ESPN* to the night’s top stories on Rachel Maddow, or, in my case, a rerun of Veronica’s Closet on the TV Guide Channel. However, at a bar, you will be forced to sweet-talk a heavyset woman named Ginger who’s busy making whiskey sours, unless you’re cool with watching the Packers versus Bears game for the next five hours. To prepare you for what you should expect at a straight bar, I am going to share my journal account of a recent trip.
Now, let’s jump ahead. Imagine if you will that those two Heterosexuals that I saw flirting at the bar had liked each other. Let’s pretend that when the male touched the female’s backside, she wasn’t offended. What would have happened next? Mar
riage, you say? Not that easily, unless, of course, they’re 20-something celebrities or drunk in Las Vegas. However, once the courting process is complete, Heterosexuals can then eagerly close the deal and solidify their relationship with marriage.
If you’ve seen Father of the Bride,* part 1, you know that marriage is a beautiful thing. You also know that early-1990s Diane Keaton is basically everything you need to know about style and motherhood. However, if the Heterosexuals in your life decide to tie the knot, you’ll soon be attending a Heterosexual Wedding, and if you’re not ready, you will find yourself extremely confused by everything from who catches the bouquet to what isn’t OK to say to the bride.
What to Expect at a Heterosexual Wedding
Heterosexuals have the unique right to get married, and they take this right very seriously. There is an entire industry surrounding Heterosexual weddings, from wedding planners, bridal stores, Céline Dion love songs, bridal registries,* and a plethora of divorce attorneys. The world is ripe for Heterosexual nuptials.
