by Jeffery Self
Here are some key things you should know going in:
You must remember that a Heterosexual wedding is the most important day of the Heterosexual’s life, and it is no time for sarcasm or self-aware comedy. No matter how hilariously sarcastic you may be, the bride will not find it funny if you raise your hand in the middle of the ceremony for the “Does anyone object?” part. Even if you’re wearing fingerless gloves and a shirt that the bride bought you for your 25th birthday, and even if you were personally invited because you’re the bride’s “funniest friend.” It is not OK. Consider this my apology, Katherine.
Music at a Heterosexual wedding can go either way. Some Heterosexuals stick to traditional “wedding music” played on a piano or organ, while others step outside the box. I once attended a Heterosexual wedding where the bride made her way down the aisle to the expected “Here Comes the Bride,” only to stop midway, pull out a wireless microphone, and sing “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You” in the middle of the church, and then proceeded to the altar as if nothing had happened. It was live theater at its most dramatic. No matter what the music choices may be, it is best to pretend that every single song played is your favorite song of all time, or else the bride will become agitated and call you a few weeks later to tell you that you ruined her day. Again, Katherine, I am sorry. You were right. Neil Young is the voice of love.
Depending on the time of day the wedding is taking place, you will be expected to dress up. I recommend wearing a suit no matter what, because it’s always better to be the best-dressed guy there than “that guy who showed up in the Madonna Confessions Tour T-shirt and white jeans.” In my defense, the invitation said casual, and you know that, Katherine.
A reception will follow, where people get extremely drunk and make total asses of themselves; however, that doesn’t mean you have to, as well. A local deejay named something like Skeeter or Mickey Jive or Pooter will be on hand, or, in the case of a more expensive wedding, a live band with a wedding singer covering some of the most beloved and romantic Heterosexual songs of all time, songs like “Faithfully” by Journey, “Could I Have This Dance” by Anne Murray, or “Funky Town” by Lipps Inc.
At the reception, food will be served, as well as a wedding cake with miniature figurines of the bride and groom on top. No matter how funny you think it might be to position the bride figurine’s face on the groom figurine’s crotch, that is a really bad idea. Even though people might be egging you on and even though you may have had so many tequila sunrises that you left all sense of dignity in Funky Town, it is a really bad idea. A bad idea that can serve as the final straw with someone you spent four years living with when you first moved to the city and whom you used to call your best friend.
The reception will end with the bride throwing her bouquet to a swarm of single women. The Heterosexual tradition is that whoever catches the bride’s bouquet will be the next to get married, and the women around you will take this extremely seriously. It is best to simply stand back and let the ladies fight it out in what, to the untrained eye, will resemble a Civil War reenactment.
Eventually the bride and groom will leave, and everyone will throw either rice or birdseed on them. The tradition of throwing rice has become less PC, as it has been discovered that when birds eat it, their stomachs explode, and people stopped being cool with that sometime in the late ’70s. The bride and groom will drive away in a car that has Just Married written in soap on the back window. They will go off on a honeymoon to start their lives as husband and wife, and despite the fact that the bar might still be well-stocked, you are expected to politely make your exit and not demand another tequila sunrise, and under no circumstances should you call the bartender a “self-hating shit-tard” when he announces that the bar is closed and refuses to serve you.
All in all, if you follow these rules, Heterosexual weddings can be a lot of fun. It’s a beautiful thing to experience with the Heterosexuals in your life, and will serve as a great place for Heterosexual Watching, and sometimes for accidentally pissing off your best friend. Katherine, just call me. We should be able to talk about this. Please.
So, no matter what you did at their wedding, your Heterosexual friends have gotten married, and they’re now husband and wife. Your relationship dynamic might change dramatically, as a Single Heterosexual Female and a Married Heterosexual Female can be very different kinds of animals. The girl you used to call at midnight on a Wednesday and say, “Let’s get margaritas!” might not respond as enthusiastically as she once did; instead, she might offer up the excuse that she has to work in the morning and that she and her husband just started watching the latest episode of White Collar. In more extreme cases, what tends to follow marriage is the ultimate shift in the Heterosexual lifestyle: childbirth.
How Heterosexuals Reproduce
One of the unique qualities of Heterosexuals is their ability to reproduce by simply forgetting to wear a condom, forgetting to take a birth control pill, or simply going out to dinner with Jon Gosselin. Or, of course, in many cases, by mutually deciding that it’s time to start a family with their opposite-sex partner.
The Heterosexual reproduction process is a truly amazing thing that takes nine months to happen. Here’s how it works.
First, you need two Heterosexuals, or one Heterosexual Female and a very, very, very drunk gay guy. Sometimes, these two Heterosexuals love each other (as in the case of your newly married friends), and other times they have just met while watching the Lakers game at the Pig and Whistle bar I discovered earlier. Whether they’re in love or not, if the Heterosexuals have unprotected Heterosexual intercourse,* they will likely create a baby. Heterosexual intercourse can take upwards of an hour or sometimes only a few minutes if the Heterosexual Male hasn’t had a lot of action lately.
Once the seed has been planted in the egg (see, I’d look like an idiot trying to explain that), the two things combine to form a new cell called a blastocyst, which, despite how it sounds, is not a racial slur. This blastocyst begins traveling through the fallopian tubes (this shit is crazy, right?!) toward the uterus, which takes roughly three days, which is kind of ridiculous when you realize that you can drive from Georgia to California in a matter of three days. Sure, you’d be doing a lot of driving and it’s best to take shifts with a friend so you don’t fall asleep at the wheel, and if you make it more like a week you get to stop in historical places like the Alamo or the World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn. I know a guy who watched all the seasons of Damages in just three days. And by guy, I mean me. However, three days is the amount of time it takes to get that blasted blastocyst through those fallopian tubes and into the spacious uterus.
Once Mr. (or Ms.) Blastocyst gets to the uterus, it attaches itself onto the walls of the uterus, the way you might attach a poster of Selena Gomez to your wall if you’re a teenage boy or a weird lesbian. The uterus is basically a hotel, like a really nice, comfortable hotel. Not five stars by any means, but maybe three? OK, two stars, depending on the uterus. And it’s not all that spacious, either, unless you’re looking at it by New York City hotel room standards, in which case it’s huge. The view is shit, literally, but it’s comfortable and the blastocyst doesn’t mind staying there for roughly nine months. Once attached to the walls of this Sheraton Inn & Suites (a.k.a. the uterus), the blastocyst starts to develop into an embryo, and after four weeks it’s roughly the size of a poppy seed. A poppy seed is very specific, not a sunflower seed, not a flaxseed, but a poppy seed. Think about that the next time you order a poppy-seed bagel with cream cheese and lox.
Now, the female has this poppy seed attached to the uterine wall and she’s figured out she’s pregnant, or she hasn’t, in which case her family submits her for that I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant reality show and she gets to proudly tell all her friends, “I’m gonna be on TV!” There’s also a placenta and an umbilical cord forming, which is how the poppy seed that’s gonna one day be her pissed-off teenage daughter who keeps running up her Verizon bill is able t
o grow.
The pregnant Heterosexual Female will start to gain weight and have extreme mood swings. One minute she might be super-happy to be alive, but the next minute she’s craving pickles covered in brown gravy and blaming her spouse for everything, from making her feel so terrible to the existence of the Kardashians* in general. The female’s nerves are incredibly high-strung and what she really wants is a nice stiff drink to ease her tension, but she can’t do that because she’s pregnant. Dammit.
Over the next several months, the pregnant Heterosexual Female goes through many other side effects. Things to expect include nausea, tiredness, tender breasts, and a sudden emotional reaction to that Taylor Swift song about moms.
As the due date approaches, the Heterosexuals get very caught up in baby fever.* Oftentimes, a family member or friend will host a baby shower, traditionally a females-only luncheon without the added bonus of booze, where everyone brings gifts and pretends to have an emotional attachment to tiny pairs of Crocs and pyramids built entirely out of diapers.
If the pregnant Heterosexual Female’s mother or mother-in-law is on hand, the female will go through a series of stressful trips to Heterosexual meccas, such as Babies “R” Us. By the end of these nine months, the Heterosexual Female will have started to resent her mother and/or mother-in-law with the kind of ferocity reserved for war criminals and Red Sox fans.
The female will also begin to tire of the Heterosexual Male in her life. Everything he does will drive her crazy, and she honestly can’t believe he plays the TV that loud, and what’s that stupid noise he makes when he chews wasabi peas?
There’s a tiny person lodged inside her, so she’s increasingly uncomfortable and bloated all the time. It is during this period that the Heterosexual Female begins to wonder if she just should have gotten a parakeet instead.
Finally, the big day comes and the Heterosexual Female has her baby and all hardship is forgiven. It’s highly likely she will never see her Heterosexual friends ever again, or when she does see them, she will only discuss children’s bowel movements and the hit television show Yo Gabba Gabba. Either way, the new parents have a sweet, gorgeous newborn baby to shower with love and affection, and the great circle of life continues. And, finally, the Heterosexual Female can order herself a very well-deserved drink.
On Babies
Heterosexuals will always assume you want to hold their babies, and if you want to get through the encounter without any trouble, I highly recommend just holding the baby and saying it’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen, no matter how much the baby looks like an unripened apricot. Some babies aren’t as cute as others, and in these instances you will need to lie, because in the eyes of Heterosexuals, there is nothing that has ever or will ever be as cute as their baby.
Understanding Heterosexuals
Understanding how the Heterosexual Male and Female brain works can give you a better understanding of how they process thoughts, feelings, interests, and emotions. This is a chart of what makes up the Heterosexual Male’s brain.
The Heterosexual Male Brain
Very interesting, huh? Now take a look at the Heterosexual Female’s brain.
The Heterosexual Female Brain
You are now prepared to deal with the major milestones in the Heterosexual Lifestyle. If you have been paying close attention, you and your Heterosexual counterparts should be able to happily coexist and continue to teach each another about your equally swell cultures.
The Heterosexual SAT #1:
Analogies
It’s time for a pop quiz, SAT style! Do you remember the SATs? Maybe you’re still in high school and haven’t taken them yet. In which case, I’d prefer a parent or guardian or supervising adult be here with us to make me feel a little less uncomfortable.
I took the SAT on a Saturday morning after opening night of the amateur production of Steel Magnolias that I directed in my hometown. Suffice it to say, I pretty much flunked the SAT. Not because I’m dumb—if anything, I’m cripplingly bright—but because I was tired and, let’s be honest, probably hungover. More importantly, however, I knew I didn’t need the SAT to do what I wanted to do. Star on Broadway! And look at me now!*
Heterosexual SAT questions will be scattered throughout the book as a series of pop quizzes, and they’re far more important and useful than the actual SAT could ever dream of being. It is vital you take these quizzes in order to continue understanding this spotter’s guide, as well as honing your Heterosexual-Watching skills as we go along.
EXAMPLES:
CAT: MAMMAL as SNAKE: REPTILE
or
FISHERMAN: FISHING as
PAUL GIAMATTI: OVERACTING
Understand? If not, ask someone smarter than you to help, then continue.
1. FRAT BOY: FRAT HOUSE ::
A.Cowboy: Cowgirl
B.Teacher: Book
C.Parker Posey: Parker Posey’s house
D.Spoon: Fork
2. HIPSTER: SKINNY JEANS ::
A.Dog: Cat
B.New Jersey: New York
C.Mice: Mouse
D.Whoopi in Sister Act: Nun’s habit
3. PARIS: FRENCH PEOPLE ::
A.Mom: Dad
B.Details magazine: People magazine
C.Las Vegas: Dangerously intoxicated Heterosexuals
D.Farm: Grass
4. METROSEXUAL: PERFECT HAIR ::
A.Oreos: Chocolate
B.Robert Pattinson: Extremely dirty hair
C.Football: Super Bowl
D.Super old: Regis Philbin
5. HETEROSEXUAL FEMALE: A BRAND-NEW SHIRTLESS
PHOTO OF RYAN GOSLING ::
A.Halloween: Costumes
B.Car: Honda
C.Water: Pool
D.Me at age six on Christmas morning: The Play-Doh Magic set I’d spent all of December thinking about and my very own VHS copy of Addams Family Values!!!
6. HOT WINGS: HETEROSEXUAL MALES ::
A.Ice cream: Lactose-intolerant people
B.Hot dogs: Vegetarians
C.White wine: The Real Housewives of New York
D.M&M’s: Diabetics
7. STRAIGHT PEOPLE: HETEROSEXUALS ::
A.Dogs: Cats
B.Students: College
C.Winter: Summer
D.That lady with the crazy face who used to be famous but does commercials for Depends Adult Diapers now: Lisa Rinna
8. CARRIE BRADSHAW: FABULOUS HETEROSEXUAL ICON ::
A.Tom Cruise: Chef
B.Roseanne Barr: Internationally beloved sex symbol
C.President: White House
D.Donald Trump: The world’s worst Heterosexual
9. HETEROSEXUAL WEDDING: WEDDING CAKE ::
A.Walmart: The Queen of England
B.Rachael Ray: Speaking loudly
C.Flowers: Bouquet
D.The Olive Garden: Bottomless salads and breadsticks
10. HETEROSEXUAL WATCHING: HETEROSEXUAL::
A.Halle Berry: Watching Halle Berry’s Oscar speech on YouTube at least once a day
B.Baseball: Guy watching baseball
C.Bird-watching: Birds
D.Halle Berry: Watching Monster’s Ball, the movie Halle Berry won an Oscar for at least twice a day
ANSWERS:
1. C; 2. D; 3. C; 4. B; 5. D; 6. C; 7. D; 8. D; 9. D; 10. All are correct answers
*I had the same problem until I saw Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise.
**I don’t want to inflate grotesque stereotypes of gay people like myself knowing nothing about anything other than David Sedaris and glitter, but honestly, I have no gay friends who would rather watch sports than a rerun of Toni Braxton: E! True Hollywood Story.
*That is how I begin most conversations.
*Mixed CDs are very popular among Heterosexuals in the courting phase and will always include the Céline Dion song “My Heart Will Go On.”
*Grease is an important movie to note, as it’s one of those movies both Heterosexuals and Non-Heterosexuals alike can agree
on. Oftentimes, when a Non-Heterosexual is hanging out with Heterosexuals, he will accidentally bring up a musical he’s recently seen. The Heterosexual will stare at him blankly and the only way to keep the conversation moving is to say “It’s a lot like Grease,” at which point the Heterosexual will happily nod in understanding and you can continue talking about having recently seen Les Misérables. It’s also worth noting, for no other reason than my own ego, that I was in three different productions of Grease all before my 18th birthday.
*I have blacked out at almost every Heterosexual cocktail party I’ve ever attended.
*Gifts your Heterosexual hosts won’t appreciate: tickets to the national tour of The Drowsy Chaperone; photos of yourself dressed as a shirtless cowboy, no matter how much you’ve been working out; livestock; an autographed copy of Teri Garr’s memoir, Speedbumps: Flooring It Through Hollywood.
*Barack Obama may or may not know I exist.
*Just kidding. I can’t promise that!
**Heterosexual Males love the Droid, as it’s a phone specifically marketed to them. Watch a Droid commercial, and you’ll quickly realize that they are about as Heterosexual as the Super Bowl. Even the sound they make: DROOOOID. It’s so overtly masculine and aggressive. Every time I hear a man turn on a Droid, I think, we get it—you have a penis and you like putting it inside women. Now, can I go back to reading this Tim Gunn biography?
*ESPN is a TV channel solely dedicated to broadcasting sports 24/7. It’s like what CNN does for news, and what Bravo does for drunk women and gay guys.
*If you haven’t seen Father of the Bride, part 1, we have nothing to discuss; same thing goes for part 2, by the way.
*Registering for gifts is one of the weirdest things that Heterosexuals do. This is the process by which Heterosexuals will go to a store and make a list of things their friends and family are expected to buy for them. It’s a really weird way to give a gift; however, if you’re ever feeling down, I highly suggest going to the dishware section of Bloomingdale’s and creating an entire wedding registry for yourself and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
