The Long Way Home: A moving saga of lost family

by Whitmee, Jeanne

  ‘Oh, David, do you really think he’ll take you up on your offer?’ Marie interrupted.

  He grinned at her knowingly. ‘Well, let’s put it this way — I’ve a feeling he isn’t going to want to be away from you for too long.’

  Marie felt a tingle of excitement, then she said: ‘David, he doesn’t know — about me and my past, does he?’

  ‘Good heavens, no.’

  ‘You haven’t — wouldn’t ever tell him, would you?’

  He took both of her hands in his. ‘My dear girl, all that is ancient history. Whatever you did in the past was over long ago. I see no reason why anyone should know.’

  She squeezed his hands gratefully. ‘Thank you, David.’

  ‘No. Thank you, my dear. If it wasn’t for you there’d be no business for Ralph to join, would there?’

  He didn’t add that since his talk with Ralph he saw Evans Hotels Limited as a large and prosperous family business; a bright future stretching decades ahead, with his grandsons eventually at the head of a huge national concern rivalling nothing less than Trust House Forte. But the starting point to that dream, its trigger, was to get Ralph and Marie safely married.

  *

  In all the years that Marie had worked for David Evans she’d kept in touch with Hannah regularly through letters, but her career had prevented her from visiting very often. She’d been pleased with the success that Marie had brought David and when she received Marie’s letter, inviting her to her engagement party she had dropped everything and telephoned ‘The Marina’ at once.

  ‘Marie, I’ve just got your letter. Congratulations.’

  ‘Thank you. You can come, can’t you, Hannah? It will only be a little dinner party — just the four of us — but it wouldn’t seem right without you there. After all, if it hadn’t been for you, Ralph and I would never have met.’

  ‘Of course I’ll be there. Just try and stop me. You know, it’s funny but I didn’t even know David had a son.’

  ‘You wouldn’t. Ralph is David’s son by a previous marriage. They haven’t been close for years — till recently.’

  ‘I’m still reeling.’ Hannah laughed down the line. ‘David must be absolutely over the moon. Tell me all the details — no, better still, save it all up till I get there.’

  ‘I will. It’ll be wonderful to see you and catch up on all our news.’

  ‘Great. I can’t wait to hear all about it. See you on Friday evening then.’

  ‘And you’ll be able to meet Ralph. He’ll be here too. He arrives on Saturday.’ There was a pause then Marie said, ‘Oh, by the way, Hannah, Ralph doesn’t know — about me and what happened. He doesn’t know anything. David promised not to tell him so …’

  ‘God, you didn’t think I’d say anything, did you?’ There was a silence then Hannah said: ‘Look, Marie — maybe you’d rather I kept away, for the time being.’

  ‘Oh, no. I didn’t mean that. It’s just …’ She chewed her lip and after a moment Hannah said: ‘You’re afraid I’ll start prodding your conscience — telling you you should tell him. Is that it?’

  ‘Do you think I should?’

  ‘Look, love, it all happened a long time ago. It’s none of my business any more, but in my opinion it’s a closed book. You paid a terrible price for something you didn’t do and now it’s over and done with. David clearly doesn’t feel it’s necessary and I certainly won’t let you down.’

  ‘Oh, Hannah, I know you won’t.’

  ‘Sure you still want me?’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’

  They laughed together and Hannah said: ‘Right, that’s done with then. See you Friday.’

  They stayed up late on Friday night, chatting and giggling like schoolgirls. It was as they were making a last cup of coffee in the kitchen of the top floor flat that Marie said: ‘Hannah, I suppose you don’t know what happened to the twins, do you?’

  She frowned. ‘What makes you ask?’

  ‘I can’t help thinking about them,’ Marie said. ‘I’ve never stopped really. I don’t suppose anyone who’s given up a child ever does. But it’s at moments like this — of deep happiness, and unhappiness too, I suppose — that the feeling is strongest.’

  Hannah went to her and laid a hand on her arm. ‘You have to try to forget, Marie, to let go. The babies are part of the past you want to put behind you. You can’t put it aside unless you do it completely. That segment of your life must be cut clean out if it’s going to work.’

  ‘I know, I see that. I just wondered if you knew.’

  ‘Yes, I do know,’ Hannah said softly.

  Marie’s eyes searched hers. ‘Are they — did they find nice parents?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Together?’

  ‘Marie, what did we just agree?’

  She bit her lip and turned away. ‘I just wanted to know that they’re happy so that I can be happy too; so that I’ll feel I have the right and I don’t have to feel guilty any more.’

  ‘Guilty?’ Hannah took Marie’s shoulders and looked into her eyes. ‘You must put all thoughts of guilt out of your mind, Marie. You did the best — the only thing you could have done for your babies at that time. Try to see the positive side. Some good did come out of it all, didn’t it?’ She spread her hands and looked around the room. ‘You’d never have had all this if you’d kept the children. So try to start your new life with a quiet heart.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right.’ Marie smiled, ‘I will. I promise.’

  But long after she was in bed that night her thoughts were with the little girls she had parted from ten years ago. Did she truly deserve to be happy? she asked herself. Could she ever really let go of the bitter memories, forget the injustice that had taken her liberty and her children from her? And was Hannah telling the truth when she said the children were happy? She could never be a hundred per cent certain of that, could she?

  *

  Ralph arrived the following day, along with all his luggage and personal possessions. This time he would not be leaving again. This time there would be no more goodbyes, Marie told herself joyfully. For the time being they would share the flat with David, but already they were making plans for a place of their own. David had offered to move out and let them have the flat to themselves, but Marie wouldn’t hear of it. At his time of life any change was an upheaval and she knew he loved the little four-roomed apartment they had created, with its sunny rooms and sea views.

  Marie could hardly wait to introduce Ralph to her oldest and best friend. Hannah was out when he arrived, taking a walk on the cliffs. They were having tea when she returned and the moment she walked into the room Marie jumped up, her cheeks pink with excitement.

  ‘Ralph, this is Hannah, my oldest friend.’

  He stood up and turned to face the tall slim woman with the tanned face and blue eyes. Hannah had turned forty now, but maturity had bestowed a special kind of beauty on her, a serenity and poise that was all the more effective because she was unaware of it. The sea breeze had loosened her long brown hair from the coil she wore low on her neck. Strands of it lay on the shoulders of the violet cashmere sweater she wore, and as she smiled at him she brushed more straying tendrils away from her forehead.

  Ralph offered his hand and when Hannah put hers into it he held it firmly. ‘So you’re Hannah. I’ve been looking forward to meeting this paragon I’ve heard so much about.’ The way his eyes held hers felt like a kind of contest and she knew instinctively that to look away would be to allow him to win.

  ‘We’ve been shopping all morning,’ Marie told him excitedly. ‘And Hannah has helped me choose my wedding outfit. But you’re not to see it till the day, is he, Hannah?’

  ‘Certainly not. I believe it’s supposed to be bad luck.’

  ‘I’m sure Hannah has excellent taste,’ Ralph said, holding her eyes. ‘I’m sure you’re going to look lovely, darling.’

  Gently but positively, Hannah withdrew her hand from Ralph’s grasp and moved to the table to pour hers
elf a cup of tea. She was oddly disturbed. She didn’t know quite what she’d expected. A younger version of David perhaps, certainly not a hunk of a man with such a compelling presence. In her job she was used to meeting and dealing with people; used to the kind of man who would exploit his sexuality — use every trick in the book to exert power over a woman. She’d met the challenge many times — and won. But this one … Did Marie know what she was letting herself in for? She had come such a long way since her prison sentence — had become an astute, competent business woman — but she was still under thirty and a child when it came to relationships with the opposite sex. She glanced across the room and saw the way the girl’s eyes followed Ralph’s every move adoringly. Clearly it was too late — much too late to warn her.

  Later, when they were alone, Marie asked Ralph what he thought of Hannah. ‘She’s my best and oldest friend,’ she told him. ‘I do so want you to be friends.’

  He gave her a long hard look. ‘How did you come to be friends with a social worker, Marie?’ he asked directly. ‘Have you been in trouble of some sort?’

  She flushed a deep red. It was no use. If they were to be married she couldn’t keep it from him. ‘Yes. I should have told you before, Ralph.’ She glanced apprehensively at him. ‘I — I went to prison once. Someone I trusted hid a bomb in my suitcase when I first came to England. Luckily it was discovered before it went off.’

  ‘My God! When was this?’

  ‘A long time ago now. In 1970. I was only seventeen. You probably read about it in the papers, but didn’t remember my name.’

  ‘No.’ He was frowning. ‘1970, you say? I’d be serving in Germany at the time. I didn’t finish my stint there till ’73.’

  ‘I was arrested and charged with terrorism,’ she went on. ‘It was terrible. I was found guilty of attempting to cause an explosion. Hannah was the only person who believed in my innocence.’ There was a long pause before she dared raise her eyes to his. ‘I’m sorry, Ralph. Now that you know, I suppose you won’t want to …’ Before she could finish the sentence he had pulled her into his arms and crushed her mouth with his.

  ‘It’s all over,’ he said against her hair. ‘I don’t want to hear you mention it again. Understand?’

  She sighed and relaxed against him, weak with relief. ‘Of course. Thank you, Ralph.’ She’d been about to tell him that she’d been pregnant at the time of her arrest, but it seemed foolish to press her luck too far. She’d confessed to her conviction and prison sentence. That was the worst part. There was no point in telling him any more.

  *

  The wedding took place the following spring at the local register office. Ralph knew that Marie was a practising Catholic, but he would have none of it. He was an atheist, he told her. If she had seen the things he had seen, she would have stopped believing in God long ago too, just as he had. He convinced her that she would be just as legally married in a register office as she would in a church and although she was disappointed she finally had to give way.

  The day of the wedding was fine and sunny, a crisp spring day with a sky of azure blue and air like chilled wine. Hannah helped a nervous Marie to dress in the softly flowing blue dress and white picture hat trimmed with forget-me-nots. She carried a posy of white rosebuds and more forget-me-nots and looked more beautiful than Hannah had ever seen her. For a fleeting instant she saw again the thin little waif she had first met in the remand home eleven years ago, her young face haggard beyond her tender years with worry and the pain of betrayal. Marie had been through so much. She’d fought for her own survival and won. And Hannah prayed with all her heart that her instinct about Ralph was mistaken — that this might be the happy ending that Marie truly deserved.

  After the brief ceremony and a small reception back at ‘The Marina’, attended mainly by staff, Ralph and Marie left for their honeymoon. David had lent them his car to drive to the airport. On the front steps of the hotel he stood beside Hannah as they waved the happy couple off in a hail of confetti.

  ‘This must be the happiest day of my life,’ he remarked, his eyes bright and moist. ‘Don’t they make a handsome couple?’

  ‘They do indeed,’ Hannah said.

  ‘And they look so happy,’ David went on, blowing his nose. ‘The two people I care most for in the world, and they’ve found each other.’

  Hannah took his arm. ‘Let’s go inside and have a nice cup of tea, David,’ she said gently. ‘It’s been a long day.’

  *

  The little town of Rimini was a source of wonder and joy to Marie. She had never been abroad before and she loved the little cobbled square with its medieval buildings and strutting pigeons. Having coffee at the pavement cafés, watching the life of the busy town going by, filled her with childlike delight. The beach too, with its golden sand and warm shallow water, was everything she could have wished. Under the warm caress of the sun she lay with eyes half closed, watching her handsome husband as he sunbathed, his skin golden and taut over rippling muscles. I’m so lucky, she told herself over and over.

  The first time they had made love Ralph had discovered that he was not her first lover. Marie was upset. It was something she hadn’t bargained for. He had asked if her lover was the man who had betrayed her and she told him briefly and tearfully about Liam, admitting that he had been the man who had betrayed her. Ralph had kissed her, assuring her that it wasn’t important — that like her prison sentence, what had happened in her life before they had met was past history.

  He was a passionate, eager lover. She told herself that he made her feel desirable, disregarding the bruises he left on her body, covering them with makeup when they went to the beach, and telling herself that his impatient ardour would settle down once they became accustomed to each other. But one day towards the end of their two-week honeymoon, something happened to sow the first seeds of doubt in her mind.

  She woke early and couldn’t go to sleep again. Hearing a church bell she had risen and dressed, quietly and carefully so as not to wake Ralph, and gone out into the cool of the morning to join the early worshippers for mass at a little church nearby. In the tranquil hush of the church with the familiar scent of incense and the assurance of the brightly coloured statues around her, Marie felt calm and peaceful. The simple mass was like a benediction and she told herself that it was no accident that she had wakened early this morning. It had happened so that she could come here and give thanks for her newfound happiness.

  After the mass she stayed on for a few minutes to absorb the peace and tranquillity. On her way out she paused by the statue of the Virgin then, on a sudden impulse, she put a handful of lire into the box and lit two candles, one for each of her children, kneeling for a moment at the Virgin’s feet to say a prayer for them. Then, feeling happy and refreshed, she hurried back to the hotel, her heart as light as a bubble, eager to tell Ralph about the little church she had found. Maybe one day before they went home he would join her; maybe some day she would make him see that it was wrong to turn one’s back on God.

  He was standing by the window wearing his bathrobe when she arrived. When she opened the door of their room he swung round to face her and the black fury on his face stopped her in her tracks. His eyes blazing like hot coals, he demanded: ‘Where the bloody hell have you been?’

  ‘I — I woke early, Ralph. I heard the church bell, so I went to mass.’

  He crossed the room and grasped her shoulders. ‘Mass? You mean you went to church — when you knew how I felt about it?’

  ‘I — know you don’t like to go, Ralph, but I thought you wouldn’t mind if I …’

  He shook her. ‘You thought wrong then. I won’t have my wife bowing and scraping to that superstitious rubbish, understand? You can forget all that now that you’re married to me, Marie. And while we’re on the subject, you’d better forget you’re Irish too.’

  Her eyes filling with tears, she stared up at him. ‘How can I forget? I am what I am.’

  He glowered down at her. ‘I’
m beginning to wonder just who I’ve married, Marie. You plead your innocence but then you’re off secretly behind my back, doing the things you know I hate. How can I ever trust you?’ His fingers bit deeply into her flesh through the thin cotton dress she wore. ‘You’re mine now. I woke up and I wanted you. And where were you?’ He flung out an arm. ‘Out there fiddling with beads and muttering a load of mumbo-jumbo.’

  ‘Ralph …’

  ‘Did you confess to the priest while you were at it? Did you tell him all about the dirty things you’d been doing? Did you tell him you once tried to blow a lot of innocent people to Kingdom Come? That you slept with another man before you were married? I bet that gave him a kick. A real sinner to forgive for once.’

  She felt the colour drain from her face. ‘I told you, Ralph, I was innocent. You said we wouldn’t mention that again.’

  ‘I said I didn’t want to hear you mention it,’ he shouted. ‘But if you insist on grovelling to priests — confessing!’

  ‘No, I wasn’t. I didn’t …’

  ‘Well, here’s something else for you to confess.’ He threw off his robe and began to tear at the fastenings of her dress. ‘You belong to me now. Not to a lot of old men in black robes. When I wake up I want you here beside me.’ He kissed her brutally till his teeth ground against hers, then picked her up and tossed her on to the bed, throwing himself down on top of her. Ignoring her cries he tore into her. His anger seemed to have aroused him almost to the point of madness. What he did could not be called love-making. It was more like punishment — rape — an ordeal that seemed to go on and on, painfully and endlessly. And what was worse was that her helplessness and distress obviously heightened his arousal, adding to his manic energy and giving him unimagined potency. But at last, mercifully, it came to an end. Ralph rolled away from her with a groan and lay with his back towards her, sated and seemingly senseless, while she lay bruised and motionless, too shocked to speak or move.