Edge of Recovery (Love on the Edge)

by Molly Lee

  “She’s gorgeous.” Charlie’s voice was quiet but in the silence of the car, it boomed.

  “Yeah,” I said, sighing.

  She stood on the front porch of a two-story house, leaning against the wooden railing, her hands hanging over as she wrung them out. I don’t know why or what force on this earth made her agree to this meeting…but seeing her so close…I was frozen.

  “You should go. I’ll be right here,” Charlie said, touching my arm.

  “This was a mistake. I can’t do this.” My fingers shook against the door handle, nothing but the echo of Blake’s screams ringing in my ears from that night.

  “Justin Hobbs,” Charlie snapped. “You suck it up and go talk to her. She managed to meet you half-way, do you know how hard that must have been for her?”

  “Yeah, and I’ve never been as strong as her either.” I snapped back, locking eyes with her. The flecks of gold burned amber as she shook her head and cupped my cheek.

  “You are no longer that person. She’s never met you, Justin. Or perhaps, she knew you long ago, when you were kids, but you’ve been gone a long time. It’s time to re-introduce yourself.”

  Her words soothed over my frayed nerves like a sedative, and I took a deep breath. “What if she calls me out for the monster I am…was? What if she says she hates me and is plotting my murder? What if”

  “Then you let her say those things. Let her get it out but then you say what you came here to say. That’s all you have to do. It doesn’t erase the past. It only helps you create a better future. Understand?”

  My knee bounced up and down uncontrollably, and I raked my fingers through my hair. “Charlie,” I groaned. “I really want a fucking drink right now.”

  She grabbed my chin, her delicate fingers digging into my scruff just enough to bite. “I know you do. I know you think it would make this so much easier, but it would only make it worse. You know why?”

  I sighed, my face still firmly in her grasp. “It’d only feed the monster I used to be.”

  A breathtaking smile took over her face. “Used to be. That’s right.” She glanced down at my lips for a blink before releasing me. “You can do this.”

  “I have to do this.”

  “Yes, but more importantly, you can. And I’ll be right here waiting for you.”

  “Promise?” I hated that I sounded like a five-year-old boy begging for reassurance, but I needed it. If it weren’t Charlie who’d driven me to Blake’s agreed upon meeting place, if it wasn’t Charlie who was giving me all the words I needed to hear right now, then I probably would’ve bolted. Quite possibly found the nearest bar too.

  “Tick, tock. Tick, tock.” She chuckled, and I nodded.

  My stomach rolled over and over again as I stepped out of the car, and when Blake’s eyes locked with mine across the distance? Well, I’m shocked I didn’t fucking puke right there. Each step I took toward her felt like my boots were encased in cement, and my heart pounded against the weight. The closer I got, the more my limbs shook, so I shoved my hands in my pockets and locked my muscles as much as I could.

  I took the three steps up to the porch, glancing around at everything—the wooden swing, the crystal clear windows that opened up to a large, clean living room, to the red door—anything to keep my eyes off of Blake.

  “You look different,” she said. Always so much stronger than me, she’d opened the door for me to speak before I could do it myself.

  I trailed my eyes up to her slowly, like if I did it too fast, she’d disappear. She was still incredibly beautiful, maybe more so now through this clearer set of eyes I had. A tiny part of me had wondered on the way over here if I would want her as badly as I’d used to. If seeing her again would resurrect the deep and twisted love I’d had for her for so many years…but it didn’t. I loved her, still. I would always love her, but it was far from what I remembered. More careful, contained, and simply with the wish for her to be happy…to be undamaged by what I’d done to her.

  “I need a haircut,” I said then glanced around the porch again. “This your place?”

  She crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head.

  “Is it…” I couldn’t say the dude’s name. I didn’t even want to think it. The second he came into her world I was forced to see parts of myself I wished I hadn’t. Of course, I owned that darkness now, but it didn’t make me hate him any less.

  “Yes,” she answered when I didn’t continue.

  “You live here now?” I quickly clenched my eyes shut. “I didn’t mean that like an accusation…” Fuck, it was hard trying not to sound like an ex-boyfriend. “I was just curious, honestly”

  “It’s all right, Justin. Breathe.” She took a step closer to me, and her scent enveloped me even from a foot away. Not the one I remembered but a new one. She smelled like a rainstorm. Figured. “And no, I don’t live here. We’re taking a break.”

  My eyebrows shot up. “Sorry to hear that.”

  “No, we’re not taking a break.” She sighed. “We’re on break from chasing. That’s why I was in town when you called.”

  I nodded. She’d been with him for over a year. Maybe she was happy. Maybe I could be too someday.

  “I’m glad you weren’t hurt,” she said. “When I got the call…I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you.”

  “Are you serious?” I shook my head. “Fuck. If I were you, I wouldn’t be sorry. I wouldn’t have even called my aunt like you did. I would’ve left my ass there to rot in prison.”

  Her mouth popped open, but she shut it, shaking her head. “I…I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “I don’t think you’ll ever know how grateful I am that you called her, Blake.” A sharp pain wrenched through my chest as I said her name out loud. I glanced over my shoulder, where Charlie sat parked on the street, before returning my focus to Blake. “The program…it’s helped me realize so many truths I didn’t want to ever acknowledge.” I pulled my hands out of my pockets and raked them through my hair, my fingers still trembling. “I needed to see you today, to make amends. That night”

  “Justin,” she cut me off and the pain in her voice ripped through me like a time-portal straight to that night. To the sound of Hail’s whimper, her rib cracking underneath my kick. To Blake’s cries, to her vulnerable flesh puckering under my forceful hands. “We can’t”

  “I have to.” I stopped her. “I have to tell you how deeply I regret what happened. And the hell I put you through before then. I have no excuses,” I said, the reasoning I had in my head rushing through like bright neon signs. Sure, Thomas may have helped me work some shit out, and even Charlie had helped me realize why I’d behaved the way I did, but Blake didn’t deserve to hear excuses. She deserved only the truth that mattered, and that was my apology. “I know sorry is a pathetic word that will never make up for what I did to you, but I hope you know I mean it when I say that I have spent every night since trying to undo what I did…what I almost did…”

  “Blake are you” His voice cut through my apology, one I’d been giving with my eyes firmly secured on hers, so I saw nothing else, including him opening the front door. My skin tightened like hackles raising up on the back of my neck.

  It’s not his fault.

  But he’s still a tool.

  I couldn’t help my internal reaction to the guy. He simply would never be on my care list.

  “I didn’t realize this meeting had already started. I thought you were going to come get me?” He looked at Blake with so much concern I nearly puked again. He wrapped an arm around her waist, planting a kiss on her neck.

  “I told you I’d get you if I needed to,” she said, and I may have imagined it but the tone had bite to it.

  Trouble in paradise? That was so not my business, and thankfully, I didn’t care. Not anymore. The ease the two had about them didn’t bother me because I knew how it felt to be like that now. Charlie and myself clicked. Just like Blake had with…well, the tool. Hard to blame her for wanting out
of something so toxic, especially if she’d felt even a percentage of what I did for Charlie.

  “So you’re okay?” He asked her and she squeezed his hand before peeking over his shoulder toward the house.

  “Ugh,” she huffed and pulled away from him, motioning inside the house. “I thought you told them to take the day off?”

  I followed her gaze, spotting three movie-production cameras hoisted on top of three different sets of massive shoulders.

  “Shit!” he snapped. “I did. I swear…” He turned out of her embrace and stomped back into the house, slamming the door.

  I arched an eyebrow at her. “Making a movie now?”

  She shook her head. “Dash’s team got optioned for a reality series on the Weather Channel.”

  “No shit?”

  She cracked the first smile I’d seen in over a year. “Yes. He’s quite charismatic. The test audience is in love with him…the show.” She shifted her weight. “Sorry about that. You were interrupted.”

  The chick was still saying sorry over everything. I’d assumed after having the perfect relationship that would’ve been worked out of her. Maybe some habits really did die hard. I rubbed the back of my neck where a knot had formed, totally lost in my thoughts.

  “I’m not going to pretend like I want to be friends, Blake.”

  She raised her eyebrows, and her smile cracked into a laugh.

  I couldn’t help but chuckle too. “Honestly, you know that would never work,” I continued.

  “Yeah,” she sighed. “I know.”

  “So I didn’t come here to work my way back into your life. I came here to apologize. To let you know I’m actively working toward becoming a better man. Not for you, though I do wish I would’ve caught on much sooner…would’ve spared you some pain…but in the end, this is for me. Another selfish act. Wanting forgiveness I know you can’t grant.” I shrugged. “You just had to know. I don’t sit alone at night relishing the way I hurt you. It haunts me, and it should.”

  Tears glittered in her brown eyes, but she didn’t let them drop. Add it to the long list of the many times I’d made her cry…but was she…was she smiling?

  Yes. It was faint, but it was there. And it gave me the hope I so desperately needed but knew I didn’t deserve.

  She sucked in a sharp breath. “It’s been such a long time…”

  “Over a year,” I said when she didn’t finish.

  Smashing her palms into her eyes, she shook her head. “No. It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen you. The boy I grew up with. I’m happy you found your way back, Justin. I really hope you can maintain this new balance you have.” I didn’t miss the doubt in her voice as she looked over my shoulder, motioning toward Charlie’s white bug. “Does she have anything to do with your new transformation?”

  An unstoppable grin shaped my lips. “Some of it, yeah.”

  “Good. That’s really good.”

  A bubble of awkward silence encompassed the porch as I realized I’d said what I’d come to say to her. Now for the final step.

  “Blake?”

  “Yes?”

  “Could I speak with…Dash, alone, please?” I nearly choked on his name, and I’d honestly rather get hit over the head with a thousand empty vodka bottles than talk to him, but this wasn’t about me. This was about Blake’s safety.

  Her eyes popped wide, and I rose my hands in defense. “I just need to talk to him. I promise.”

  She slowly opened the door, clutching the knob as she looked back at me. “I know what you said wasn’t easy.” She took a deep breath. “And I want you to leave here knowing you have my forgiveness. It’s not selfish to want to move on, especially when you’re rediscovering yourself like you are. Just…please stick to it. You’re better this way. I could see it the second you walked up here. You’re…clear.”

  I nodded, swallowing the massive rock lodged in my fucking throat. Always bigger and better than I’d ever be…Blake. She’d granted me the one wish I never thought possible, offering me more kindness than I’d ever deserve, but of course, she was sharp. She tacked on a price with her offering…stay clean. Keep at it. Stick to it.

  “I will. I know my word means shit but I will.” I put every ounce of belief I had in to the words, begging her with my eyes to believe me. I doubted our paths would ever cross again after this and I wanted her to know I wouldn’t shit on the gift she’d just given me.

  She gave me a closed mouth smile and walked into the house, her long brown hair lifting in the wind behind her. I shifted my weight, the desire to bolt to Charlie overwhelming but I resisted it. As much as my heart wanted to race at the new freedom it’d been given and relish the feel of the absence of heavy ass chains that had encased it, I had to hold my ground. Because while this was an enormous step toward me reclaiming my life, I still had a huge blemish to take care of, one that Charlie didn’t know about, and one that he had to know about.

  “You needed something?” Dash asked as he shut the door behind him. All pleasantries from earlier had left his tone, and I bit back the smart-ass response on the tip of my tongue. I tried to put myself in his position—what if someone had done to Charlie all that I’d done to Blake?

  My stomach churned again, and I clenched my hands into fists. Fuck, I was an asshole.

  I jerked my head at him, motioning him to come off the porch and closer to the sidewalk. Once a safe distance from both Blake in the house and Charlie in the car, I crossed my arms over my chest. “I need your help.”

  He laughed, mimicking my stance, crossing a massive pair of arms over his chest. “That’s one I never thought I’d hear.”

  “I’m aware.”

  He finally stopped laughing, his eyes trained on the sky like it was second nature. When he brought them back down to me, all humor had left them. “Look, I’m glad you’re in a program, and you’re trying to get some sort of a life back, but I can’t allow it to include Blake. She’s still sorting through the shit you put her through, and I’m doing my best to help her, but it runs deep. You coming back here would only”

  “I’ll stop you right there, buddy.” I cut him off. “I’m not back in Blake’s life. This was a one-time deal. She deserved an apology…”

  “She deserves eight years worth of apologies from you,” he snapped, closing the distance between us, so our crossed arms nearly touched.

  “You think I don’t know that? Fuck, man. It eats at me every single day.”

  “Forgive me if I don’t weep for you.”

  I tossed my hands in the air, stepping away from him in an act of sheer willpower. He was setting off every fight trigger I had, every sense in me ingrained to work shit out by pounding flesh and bone, but I stepped the fuck back.

  “Look, this isn’t why I’m here. I need you to keep a close eye on Blake.”

  He shook his head, shock coloring his eyes. “I do.”

  “No, I mean, like a stalker-level eye on her. She mentioned she doesn’t live here.” I motioned to the house. “Does she at least stay with you often?”

  He glared at me. “That is none of your business.”

  Ouch, he could cut me with that look. Had I hit one of his triggers?

  “No shit,” I snapped and rubbed my palms over my face. “I got into a bit of a situation when I was in prison, okay? Some not-so-nice guys went through some of my old shit when I got out, for leverage. Found Blake’s pictures, notes, everything I hadn’t gotten rid of.”

  “Oh fucking hell,” he said, and started pacing the sidewalk.

  “Right. They make me look like fucking Santa Claus. I’m not giving them a reason to go after her. It’s just to keep me in line”

  “Which you’re so good at.”

  “I’m trying!” I snapped. “I’m really fucking trying, man. Okay? This is the last piece of bullshit I have to deal with and them I’m setting sail on a new fucking life. I just don’t want her getting hurt in the process of severing ties.”

  “You really are an assho
le,” he said, but he’d dropped his arms to his sides. “Tell me you have a plan. Some sort of sure-fire way to get out of whatever shit you’re in and make sure Blake isn’t involved in the process.”

  I stared at him, unmoving and unblinking.

  He raked his hands through his blond hair. “Fuck.”

  “I’m working on it.”

  “I feel so much better.” He sighed. “Did you tell Blake?”

  “Of course not.”

  He nodded.

  “I didn’t want to worry her over nothing. You know how she is…”

  “Yeah,” he said. “I do know.”

  “I get it. She’s yours. No need to piss all over everything.”

  He managed to chuckle again. “I take it you have your own to worry about?” He eyed the bug behind me.

  “Something like that. Or the hope for it.”

  “She doesn’t know either, does she?”

  “She knows more about me than anyone ever has.”

  He smirked. “Didn’t answer the question, which means both our girls are in the dark. If she’s anything like Blake, and I really hope to God, she isn’t, then she’ll lose it worse if she finds out you’re keeping something this huge from her.”

  Damn I hated him even more when he was right.

  “She’s worse,” I said. Charlie had told me day one she hated liars, and I hadn’t wanted to lie to her, but I couldn’t stand her disappointment in me or the idea of her being in danger either. “Blake is easy to forgive. Charlie…I don’t know.”

  “Too easy,” he said, his eyes trailing me up and down. “Anyone in particular I need to watch out for? Descriptions? Things they might ask?”

  I gave him every last detail about Devlin and his crew and reassured him three more times I would do everything in my power to make sure they knew she had no role in my life anymore.

  “Why not just take all this to the cops?”