Heaven's Children (Earth Totem)

by Jackson, Deborah

  I might be feeling ok, but it would be nice if someone else talked to me. I’m tired, tired of it all, the crazy dreams, the crazy friends. I just want to go back to being me. Hawk hasn’t moved, just stands there staring at me in what looks like fascination. I feel my irritation grow; I don’t want to be an interesting object, a source of fascination, I don’t want to be here any longer.

  ‘Is this your thing? Standing there and being mysterious?’ I snipe, regretting it when his face drops. I half expect his dark eyes to flash; he doesn’t even look annoyed this time. In fact, he looks distracted. I pull my legs up in embarrassment, he’s freaking me out. The sudden movement makes me feel dizzy, and I put my hand on the bed.

  ‘Well? Are you going to say something, anything?’ I see the uncertainty cross his face as he hesitates or is he distracted? I can’t tell any more and blink my eyes trying to re-focus. It feels like I have sea-sickness and I pray I don’t throw up.

  ‘Nevaeh, you need to trust me. I want you to turn round.’ He’s pointing behind me, just like he did in the dream and I shiver. I don’t want to and watch in shock as he repeats the action again. I feel the urge to push at the air in front of me, half of me hoping that it ripples, that this is just another one of my dreams.

  ‘Please, listen to me, turn around carefully. Try not to panic, remember I’m with you'.

  His voice has a tension to it and I fix him a half smile before looking at my parents for reassurance, but they’re still immersed in newspapers. Apart from my short time with Josh who I only briefly mentioned, they have never seen me with Hawk. He would just freak them out like he is doing to me. He is too intense.

  ‘Nevaeh, please…just do it.’

  I look at him in confusion, he is serious and so are his eyes. I feel a nervous flutter in my throat as I twist round slowly, convincing myself, that if I did this, he’d leave me alone. It takes ages for me to notice what is different. Or that I’m sitting on top of someone. I feel my lungs explode in a scream.

  I am sitting on top of…me.

  12

  Floating

  THURSDAY

  I half open my eyes, squinting against the sharp light. My brain feels numb, and I try to look towards my window as the early morning light filters through. I love this time of the morning, always have. I think of my Mum’s coffee and lick my lips, surprised by how cracked they feel.

  An awareness slowly spreads through me, and the beeping sound becomes louder. So does the clicking of the intercom before a voice blares. I grit my teeth instinctively, it’s too loud. It blasts into my memories and everything rushes back at once.

  ‘Hawk?’ I sit up and try to focus, but my eyes feel like vaseline has been poured into them. My last memory, what was my last memory? Hawk was warning me, but I didn’t want to listen– why?

  My brain obeys and sends an image to me that at first seems too difficult to comprehend. Fear sinks like lead into the bottom of my stomach as I remember - Hawk was warning me about me.

  I look down before scuttling automatically to the bottom of the bed, away from the horror. My mind feels as if it is going to ignite. My eyes are closed. Stickers from the heart monitor plaster my chest, and my face and arms are bruised. Purple and blue welts push through my pale skin, and I feel tears well up. I look so ill. A thought grabs hold of me, and I try to touch my leg that lies dead straight under the duvet. My hand falls through to nothingness.

  ‘Nevaeh.’

  ‘I’m nothing… like air.

  ‘Nevaeh.’

  I panic, my dead eyes flicking to the monitor to reassure myself that I’m not dead. I look down. I’m wearing the same clothes I had worn in the accident.

  ‘Nevaeh stop it! You’re not dead, just separate.’ Hawk is whispering in my ear, and I can feel his arms around me.

  My mind is whirring, nothing makes sense, and the panic makes me feel sick.

  He grabbed me by my shoulders and holds me at arm’s length. ‘You have to calm down; if you don’t others will come to claim your body. Do you understand what I’m saying?’ He is shaking me, but I don’t care. Memories of the white Ford and the sounds of branches splitting and cracking seem to surround me again. I must be dead, how else could I be looking at myself?

  ‘Nevaeh. Look at me, you’re not dead!’ He repeats. I feel my bottom lip quiver and nod. Maybe, he is my guardian angel. I hope he is. I look at Mum and Dad – they have always been more spiritual. Am I going to hell?’

  ‘Nevaeh…stop it…you’re not going there either!’

  I look at him carefully then, what did he know? How did he know anything? He is possibly only two, maybe three years older than me.

  ‘Nevaeh remember what I told you before about the physical and spiritual side. This is where you are at the moment – between worlds.

  I look at him with wide eyes while slowly pulling his hands off my shoulders.

  ‘If I’m not dead…?’

  Hawk drew back slightly before looking down at himself. He was standing in the middle of my bed, as clearly as if a hole has been carved in the middle of it. I don’t move as he walks out and pulls me with him. I remember wondering why I can still feel my heart pounding in my chest as we stand there staring at the other me. He pulls me closer, and I nestle instinctively into his chest. I can feel his tension, even though I’m not real, we aren’t real, and I can feel everything. I look up, just as he pushes my hair back from my face before tracing my jaw line with his finger. I sigh; the butterflies in my stomach feel like they have tripled and suddenly an out-of-body experience didn’t feel so bad.

  ‘This isn’t supposed to happen,’ he breathes, his mouth is so close to mine. We automatically kiss each other, and for a brief moment, we forget.

  ‘Wait, what did you say?’ I asked, before pulling away.

  ‘What do you mean? What was supposed to happen?’ I repeat, rubbing my arms, out of habit. I don’t feel cold, but the mood has definitely dropped a couple of degrees. I think of the accident. Was the Ford just meant to scare me? A feeling of dread hits me - is he part of this? I rack my brain, thinking of wings, of flapping and something else. It has difficulty filtering through the dull mesh of memories I call a brain. Why can’t I remember that part?

  Hawks looks so tortured. I don’t realise he is holding both my hands until he squeezes them. There is more, I can feel it, and, by the way his jaw clenches and unclenches, I know it isn’t going to be good. How much worse can it get? I think taking a deep breath.

  ‘Nevaeh, this isn’t an accident.’ I look at him in shock and think of Hussein turning the dials. I don’t know why, but I know that image of him isn’t my dying brain flicking out random scenes. Doubt creeps in and I look at him helplessly.

  ‘But it was an accident, Hussein didn’t mean it, you have to believe me Hawk.’ I blurt before trailing off. The sadness in his eyes overwhelms me.

  ‘Nevaeh, I don’t mean Hussein, he’s an innocent in all of this. But you,’ he cups my chin. ‘You have special gifts, like the others; remember what I said about the indigoes? Someone doesn’t want you to discover your true calling. Dammit! I sense something is wrong – that’s why I left you. I need time alone to meditate and call on my ancestors for guidance.’

  I watch him clench his fists again and feel his frustration build, willing him to go on. I don’t understand any of this. He moves from foot to foot, agitated.

  ‘Nevaeh, I’m a recruiter of indigoes. I’m supposed to guide you through the first stages. I saw you in my vision quest, and I’m never wrong. Then the accident happened and wham!’ He slams his fist into his hand making me jump and for the first time since I’d met him, I see fear in his eyes.

  Recruiter? I feel numb.

  He tilts his head slightly before nodding.

  If I hadn’t been standing at the end of my hospital bed with the other me lying there while listening to him rambling about what was meant to be, I would have laughed. It is all so surreal, as far as
dreams go. But I don’t, and I don’t like being away from my body, it makes me anxious. I look from my hospital self to him and take a deep breath.

  ‘So…if I’m not dead, are you?’

  13

  Invisible

  FRIDAY

  I’m confused when I open my eyes - did I just fall asleep in the middle of a question? I look at him waiting, maybe he is in shock.

  ‘Hawk, are you? Are you dead?’ I feel dread seep through me, he seems horrified by the question, but I have to know. He just said that I’m not dead. He snaps his head up and grins widely.

  ‘Dead? Sorry, you took me by surprise. Glad to have you back, by the way.’

  Have me back?

  I gawp at him. Hawk is rambling, and he keeps touching my arm, squeezing it, and then grinning again. He seems more relaxed, even jolly and to think I’m the one who had the accident.

  ‘I’m not dead, and nor are you. I’m trancing. I thought you guessed that already.’ He looks at me like I’m going senile and leans forward.

  ‘Nevaeh, this is a totally different level from normal. We trance in real time, and I don’t think this has ever been done before.’ He shrugs his shoulders. ‘I have help from my ancestors and the group of course. It’s getting easier, especially today - everyone is pouring their energy into me. I’ve never felt so alive.’ He looked at me apologetically, and I felt even more confused. Why did he look so embarrassed? He just said I’m not dead. Doubt creeps in. What if this isn’t an o.b. experience, what if I’m a ghost? If Hawk notices my agitation, he doesn’t say anything. He is too busy talking – does this guy ever shut up? He’s pacing now and making me dizzy.

  ‘Hawk, stand still and slow down would you?’ He grins and turns to face me.

  ‘Nevaeh, to be honest, I never knew I could do this and was more than a little impressed with myself.’ His face lit up with pride then, and I want to scream. I know he is trying to lighten the mood, but it isn’t helping and I feel my mood darkening. Something is seriously wrong here. I look at him.

  ‘So, I can only touch you because…?’

  ‘Because I’m trancing, and you’re, well, y’know.’ He steps closer then, trailing his hand down my face. I once read that people do strange things in extreme circumstances, and counted this as one of them. I’m not complaining. He is trancing, I’m having an o.b.e, and now he’s kissing my neck.

  ‘Nevaeh, what is that fragrance you have on?’ he groans between kisses. ‘It’s driving me crazy.’ I smile then remembering how he once sniffed me.

  ‘Um, I don’t wear perfume. I’m allergic, uh…’ I stop; his kisses make my skin shiver, in a nice way. Then he stops and I frown looking at him in irritation. I don’t want to talk anymore, and I wonder if all guys ask questions at the wrong time. ‘Nevaeh, that’s insane; you might be the only girl I know that doesn’t wear some sort of make-up and still look so gorgeous. No wonder the twins are so jealous of you.’

  ‘Really?’ I half smiled looking at him incredulously.

  ‘Yep, haven’t you seen them filing their cat claws?’ We both laugh and then giggle quietly when two nurses come in. Even though we know they can’t hear or see us, I don’t want to chance it. Being invisible suddenly feels kind of cool in a weird way. I even feel brave enough to wave at them, laughing loudly after they leave. I turn to Hawk, but he’s facing away from me.

  ‘Hawk, what’s wrong?’ His back goes rigid, and only the slight movement of his shoulders makes me think he is talking to someone. Can you talk on your mobile when you’re trancing? Another mood change, I think dismally. It suddenly feels like the fun has left with the nurses. But when Hawk turns round, his face is ashen. I knew it was serious but I didn’t want to hear anymore bad news. The mood changes are starting to get a little irritating, and I raise my eyebrows.

  ‘Well? What disaster is it this time? I mean c’mon Hawk; I’m already having an o.b.e – what the hell can be worse - apart from dying?’ I bite my lip, even though for me that sounded more sarcastic than normal.

  ‘Nevaeh, I have been contacted by my ancestor, and she has sent me a warning. Somehow, you have to return to your body and it has to be now, or your soul will be lost forever.’

  I reel, looking around for sight of this ancestor. He might have been quoting, but every word scares me. It is okay having ancestors to talk to, but apart from him, I’m alone and totally terrified. I pull back suspiciously when he touches my hand. Maybe to him this is an adventure, a way of increasing his abilities, but this is my life he’s talking about.

  ‘Nev, we’re all trying to figure this out, but most of this is untried territory. We can do other things, but remaining here in this plane of existence is hard work, and if it hadn't been for my ancestors or the group – my energy would have been sapped long ago.’

  Something in me snaps then, and I throw my hands up in irritation. Was it me? Or is everything mainly about them?

  ‘Well boohoo for you. By the way, the name’s Nevaeh and I’m either having a way weirder dream than normal or I’M DEAD!’ I shout, walking towards the window.

  ‘Nevaeh be careful, don’t step near the window you might….’

  For someone who was known for having no temper, Hawk was getting the worst out of me. I purposefully exaggerate the way I lean on the mantelpiece and instantly regret it.

  The mantelpiece is there one minute then nowhere, and I’m freefalling out of the building. I can feel the wind gushing past me and the noise of the cars on the street below. I’m falling in slow motion; fear of hitting the ground makes me crane my neck round while my chest feels like it is being crushed.

  ‘Don’t be scared Nevaeh. You’re coming home.’ A voice echoes after me.

  My eyes fly open, the voice isn’t Hawk’s, it is lighter and only then do I notice strange specks of light surround me like glitter; growing brighter the further I fall.

  ‘I’m coming home? Where’s home?’ I think, the rational side of my brain starting to panic. I’m going to hit the bottom soon and wonder if you can die twice.

  ‘Nirvana….’ The voice trails off and even in my panic I register her voice. Tears roll down my cheek as I think of my parents and send a silent prayer to them, grunting from the pressure on my chest. The cars are louder now; louder means closer and I close my eyes waiting for impact.

  14

  Heaven

  ‘Nevaeh...open your eyes,’ the voice coaxes, it is soft and gentle, and I warily obey. I’m hovering now, drifting downwards like a feather. But that seems unimportant compared to what is hovering above me. The face is slim, surrounded by golden hair. Déją vu hits me, and I gasp, remembering the woman leaning over me – it’s her! She smiles then, crinkling the corners of her eyes, and I feel as if I’m meeting an old friend, so old that I can’t remember her name. She is radiating some kind of light, and I conjure up the image of white feathers. The word, ‘angel,’ springs to mind, and I know I’m gaping.

  ‘We’ve been watching you for such a long time, Nevaeh.’ As soon as she says that I have the sense of others behind her. It must be heaven, and I feel relieved that I’m in the other place. Not that I’ve had time in my life to do anything bad. What does heaven look like? Is it a city? Can I fly? Movies of heaven flash images at me, and I look round.

  I’m still falling although it doesn’t actually matter anymore, I’m going home. The air has become static, and there’s a pain in my chest. I focus on the woman.

  I am overwhelmed by how beautiful she is and how the flecks of gold in her green eyes resemble mine. It is then that I feel the connection, and I gasp as her mind links. This is my mother! The full force of this realisation, of her waiting for me, hits me like a wave. This is exactly how people have described meeting people in the afterlife.

  I’m dead, so is she. Now I’m returning; I feel so unbelievably happy, it flows through me. Everything is starting to make sense now. I feel my arms reaching out for her.

  ‘NEVAEH…HOSPI
TAL BED!’

  Hawk’s voice rips through us and I catch the confused look on her face before she dissolves into mist.

  ‘NEVAEH…YOU HAVE TO SEE IT!’ His voice feels like fingernails being dragged down a board, and I cringe.

  ‘Why Hospital bed?’ The image comes swiftly and the moment I think it, the brakes go on, flipping my stomach, as it pushes me back up at high speed.

  I cringe closing my eyes as I fly through the window, expecting breakage of some kind but everything is quiet. I look back in confusion, at the window, the dusty blinds and flaky painted window sill which seem rock solid. I don’t look at Hawk. I just stand there trembling. If I’m supposed to be with my mother, where is my real mother? Tears, well up flooding down my cheeks. I wonder what happened to her after she left me at the adoption agency. How did she die? I know she loves me from the way she cradled me. More than ever, I want her to hold me again. All I have to do is put the puzzle together. I look at the still body lying in the bed – I have all the time in the world.

  ‘My dreams Hawk, they’re connected to all of this.’ I say tapping my little finger.

  ‘First there’s that place, with the temple, and statues; it is sacred, and I can still smell the incense if I try and the freshness of the earth. Then all the pain, the poison, like I was the earth’s messenger…’ My hands flutter to my throat, as I remember the gagging.

  ‘Nevaeh.’ Hawk says quietly, stepping closer but I hold my hand up.

  I’m weary, and close my eyes, rubbing my temples, thinking.

  ‘Then, when we tranced, remember? I saw that girl, with the baby, in the basket.’ I look at him then with wide eyes.

  ‘Did I tell you, she jumped?’ I sweep my hand down to make a point.

  ‘She ran from the temple, across the field and then jumped, and when I saw the bracelet of flowers on the baby’s arm, I…’ That was me. I look at him anxiously.