by Maren Smith
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m being selfish. This is like a dream I don’t want to wake up from.”
“Oh, me too. I promise you that. I’ve thought about having you in my arms since I saw you again last year, so you don’t need to keep apologizing. There is so much to say and explore, but we have time. I am not letting you bolt from me so easily this time. I want this too, Asa. You are my dreams manifested.”
“Nobody thinks about me that way. The only one who focuses on me with so much intent is Mama. This, by the way—she can’t know about this. It will kill her.”
“Come. Sit with me again.” I maneuvered him back to my side. Space was good.
When he hopped back up on the counter, I made sure to take his hand in mine. Maybe it wouldn’t be a good look for someone to catch us making out like a bunch of horny teenagers but keeping my hands completely off him just wasn’t possible for me right now. I’d bitten fruit from the forbidden tree and now there was no turning back. He kept looking at our entwined hands. He seemed hypnotized by them.
“What are you thinking about? Besides everything.” That made him laugh, and he was back to looking in my eyes again.
“Your hands are huge compared to mine. I still have the hands of a teenage girl.”
“You have hands that fit your body. I’m almost a foot taller than you. I needed these big hands to palm a basketball, win championships, and keep my scholarship.”
“Ah, an answer for everything. I guess. I don’t mind the difference though. It’s why I feel safe around you. I always have. You never let the upperclassmen go too far with picking on me back in high school. You also didn’t save me from every little slight. It was a nice balance. I started to figure out how to deal with a lot of it on my own.”
“I’m glad I could be there and that somehow I was able to give you what you needed back then. Asa, do you really believe that your mother doesn’t know your gay? It isn’t the 1950s and I find that mothers usually know more than they say.”
“Can’t say I saw that question coming. Honestly, I’m sure she does. Mama might be a little old church lady, but she’s far from naïve. Yeah, I think she knows. I just haven’t confirmed it for her. Knowing is one thing, but me openly dating a man and living my life on my terms are very different things. I wasn’t being facetious before. It might kill her.”
“I’ve seen many theatrical and over the top responses to that news, but not a single person has ever dropped dead. She doesn’t have a bad heart, does she?”
“No. She’ll outlive me. Seriously, though, it’s just Mama and me. If she disowns me, that’s it for family for both of us. I’m all she has. Her only child.”
“Then I think the odds are in your favor. You are an amazing son. She isn’t going to just throw you away.”
“I wish I felt as sure as you sound. That doesn’t matter much, anyway. I don’t live with her anymore. I’m still not sure I can reconcile it for myself.” Asa said, his voice tinged with doubt even as his grip on my hand tightened.
I used my thumb to caress the outside of his hand in an attempt to comfort him the best way I could at this moment. We sat, hands clasped, staring ahead and thinking. I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but I wasn’t going to rush him.
“Malik, thank you for inviting me.”
“No thanks needed. You were a big help. I’m happy to sign whatever you need to get credit for school or outreach hours.”
“Also not needed. I never even checked to see if I could use the hours for anything. I was coming no matter what.”
“We should get some rest, Asa. The alarm is set for six in the morning. We have to get an early start with so many people to serve. We have some food items being delivered and even more to prepare.”
The table started to rattle and rumble. It made us both look down. Asa reached into his back pocket and retrieved his phone. I swear if it was his mother again I could not be responsible for whatever I did. The smile that spread across his face gave me a clue that whoever it was, it wasn’t his mama.
“Hey, Bess. No, I’ve been busy, so I didn’t see your first five messages. I know you worry, but I’m fine. Yes, it was. No, no, no, Bess! Okay, I’m hanging up now. I love you too.”
“Bess?” I asked rhetorically.
“She’s a worrier.”
“Was she worried about you being at an overnight outreach program with the homeless or was she worried about you being with me?”
“Oh, it was definitely you. There will be a best friend interrogation for me for sure, but you won’t be safe either. I’ll help you prep for the test though.”
I jumped down from the counter and reached for him. “I’m ready for anything she throws at me.”
We put the kitchen back together for the second time that night. Taking his hand, I turned out the light and took him to the door of the main room.
“Can you see well enough to get your things?”
“Yes.”
“Go grab them and meet me at the office door by the back wall.”
“What? Why?”
“Just do it.” I moved toward the office and waited for him on the other side of the door.
When he came in Asa looked around to take it all in.
“This is a nice setup, but I don’t feel comfortable camping out in someone’s office.”
“Not to worry. That someone is me. This is my office. I don’t have my own church, but I run outreach programs for the center all year long and they don’t mind the outside ministering that I do, so it’s a great arrangement. Sort of employed full time while being my own boss as an independent contractor.”
“You weren’t lying about how different ministering can look. Um, are we sleeping in here together? I’m not sure that will be a better look.”
He turned my words on me. “Not the way you’re thinking. You do have a naughty streak. I look forward to exploring that more. You said you couldn’t sleep in a big open room, so you can use my couch. My chair is pretty amazing and very comfortable. I’ve fallen asleep in it plenty.”
“I can’t let you sleep sitting up in a chair.”
“You’re not. I’m making that decision. I have a mountain of paperwork I planned on dealing with tonight anyway, so go get comfortable.”
There was a moment of hesitation, but when he realized I had no intention of changing my mind, Asa took off his shoes and button-down shirt. He curled up in his socked feet with his t-shirt clinging to a chest that looked even more defined up close.
“I’m not tired yet, but I have plenty to read while you work. I won’t distract you.”
I casually waved him off and sat at my desk. Asa had no idea that he’d been distracting me to an extent every night for the past year and a half. With him being this close, I didn’t see tonight being any different.
After indulging in watching him sleep for a little while I left Asa to rest and went out to meet the early morning team to finish setting up for breakfast and prayer. The group moved like volunteer ninjas and managed to not wake up the majority of our guests. Once everything was under control, I went to wake up Asa.
“Hey, sleepyhead.”
When I walked in, he was already awake and sitting up.
“Good morning. I must be the worst volunteer ever. I took your couch and overslept.”
“None of that is true. I was always getting up earlier. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you tempted to do the same. I arranged an early team to come in and prep for the morning so that the overnighters wouldn’t need to be up super early. There are people who actually enjoy this time of day.”
He looked like he found that hard to believe. “I am not one of those people. I was just sitting here amazed about last night. I wouldn’t have guessed that driving here to do community outreach would turn out like this.” He gestured around the room.
“Why don’t you freshen up in my bathroom and then we can go get some coffee.”
“There’s something else I want before coffee,
so I’ll be quick,” Asa told me then dashed into the bathroom.
I couldn’t imagine what he was talking about, but my curiosity was piqued.
“That’s much better. Now, to my pre-coffee treat. There’s no way I’m waking up with you in front of me and not getting a good morning kiss.”
Whether it was intentional or not Asa sauntered over to me, perched on the edge of my desk, and placed himself in my arms. There was no way I was passing this up. It was his moment and I let him control it. I didn’t pull back until the need for breath became critical and he was practically in my lap. I gave him a single peck with the promise of more to come. I always wanted to be the reason he wore that too-big smile. We were so focused on each other we didn’t hear my door open. I didn’t lock it and the weight of that mistake came crashing down on me when I saw the color drain from his face and his smile changed to the painful grimace of fear as we both heard her voice.
“Asa Elijah Watkins, what is going on here?”
Chapter Seven
Asa
“Mama! What are you doing here?”
“Looks like I’m the one who should have all the questions. Take your hands off of my son.”
Malik dropped my hands and moved to stand up fully. I didn’t know if I was shaking as violently on the outside, but my insides had to be at least a five on the Richter scale.
“Good morning, ma’am. Forgive me. I should have locked my door.”
“You should have kept your hands to yourself. Asa get your things. We are leaving. Now, Asa!”
“No, Mama. I’m not leaving. I want to be here and I’m staying.” I sure hope it sounded more forceful to her ears than it did to mine.
“What are you even doing here?” She really was the last person I expected to see, and I hoped she would answer me and buy me some time before she created a scene or starting yelling. She didn’t do either thing. She just kept shooting daggers at Malik, giving him the nastiest look she could conjure up.
He turned around to me, blocking Mama’s view with his height. Leaning in, he whispered, “There’s never going to be a good time for this conversation, but I don’t think you can put it off any longer. She isn’t going to just pretend she didn’t see what she saw. I’ll be right on the other side of that door if you need me.”
I was doing everything I could to keep my emotions tamped down. I would never be brave enough or man enough to be with Malik if I couldn’t be myself with my own mother. Going behind her, he slipped out the door without another word.
“Mama, I can explain.”
“What can you explain, Asa? Can you tell me why you’re in town and you never told me? Can you explain why you were holding hands with Pastor Creswell? Do you care to explain what I would have seen if I came in here just one minute earlier? How about you explain how long you have been lying to me?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your apologies. I want some answers.”
My nerves were keeping me from figuring out the best way to answer her questions. If I could get her to calm down.
“Mama, please sit.”
“I don’t want a seat. I want to get out of here. I should have told Karen I couldn’t do it when she called last night needing a replacement volunteer. I came to do the Lord’s work and I walk in on my son dancing with the devil.”
This was Bess’s mother’s fault. God might not be vengeful, but the Universe was clear on karmic payback. Something as good as last night had to end disastrously. It was like ripping off a band-aid. I couldn’t think about it. I just had to do it.
“Mama, I’m gay. I like men. I’m attracted to men. I’ve always been gay. Malik hasn’t done anything wrong. He has never done anything wrong, so don’t even go there. I am never going to settle down with a nice girl. You know this. I think you’ve always known this. I’m twenty-one, Mama, and the only girl I have ever brought home is Bess. That’s not a coincidence.”
She had her head turned from me. I was spewing information at a rapid fire desperate to just get it all out. The rigidity in her back told me I wasn’t getting through. She absolutely wasn’t interested in what I had to say.
“I don’t want to hear this, Asa. I am not going to deal with you acting out at your age. You are leaving this place and I don’t want you to see that man ever again.”
“Mama, you can’t be serious. You’re my family. My mother. I know you want me to be happy. I can’t do that if I have to keep pretending to be someone I’m not. Don’t you get that?”
“What I get is that that man has led you down a sinful path and it’s my job to set you back on the right one. Now, are you going to come home with me?”
My tears were a blink away from pouring down my face. I really wanted to believe him last night when he said that Mama would never throw me away, but Malik didn’t know Mama the way that I did. There were too many years listening to the likes of Bishop Chambers for her to hear reason or accept anything that went against the church’s teachings. I was a sinner in her eyes because I was making the choice, out loud, to act on my sin. I went to her. I was willing to beg.
“Mama, please.” I pleaded the way I used to as a little boy.
She looked at me like a complete stranger. I guess in some ways I was, but at my core, I was still her baby boy. That had to mean something. When I reached for her, though, she recoiled. She turned from me and pulled from my touch. She didn’t even want to touch me. Then I couldn’t hold back anymore. The tears started falling. They were coming so fast my vision was blurring and I couldn’t form words. The sob that came from me sounded foreign to my own ears. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried so hard.
“When you’re ready to walk away from your sinful choices, I’ll be there for you, but not one single minute before. I do love you, Asa, and I will be praying for you.”
The door closed behind her and my legs lost their ability to hold me up any longer. That’s the way Malik found me, curled up on the floor in front of his desk. He picked me up like I didn’t weigh more than a sack of flour. I’d never been cradled on a man’s lap, but I took to it. Curling into him, I hid my tear-stained face in the crook of his neck and let out whatever agony was left in me.
“Hey, how are you doing? Are you ready to talk?” Malik was speaking softly. It was like he didn’t want to startle me.
“No.” Panic rose in me again when I looked over at the door. “Is it locked?”
“Yes, Asa. I am so sorry I forgot to lock it before. I never meant for anyone to walk in on us.”
“I know. It’s not your fault. I’m the one who’s been living a lie. You think she would have had fewer questions if you had unlocked that door and she saw me in here on your couch with no shirt on? Trust me there would have still been a lot of explaining to do.”
“I wish things had gone better. I did try to talk to her before she left, but she wasn’t interested. I know it didn’t go the way I hoped, but I still believe she’ll come around. There wasn’t enough time for her to process. Give her some space and maybe in time, she’ll see things differently.”
“I hope so. I know I’m too old, but I’m not ready to lose my mama. I don’t want to be an orphan, all alone in the world.”
Malik pulled me back into a tighter embrace and kissed my temple. This man knew how to give comfort. When he felt I would be okay on my own, he went back in to check on things with the group. I was in no shape to be around people anymore and he didn’t press me. So, I hid out in his office. He brought me coffee and some breakfast, which I mostly moved around the plate and didn’t actually eat much of at all. Then I slept. The sun wasn’t nearly as high when he came in to wake me up for the second time that day.
“Everyone is gone. The program was a real success.”
“Not that I was much help.”
“How about we get out of here?” he asked, holding his hand out to me.
“I can guarantee I will be terrible company. I’m not up for a night out on the town.”
>
“Neither am I, but I would love the chance to cook for you again. Are you still up to stay with me tonight?”
“Absolutely. I don’t want to be alone.”
“Good, because I don’t want you to be.”
Chapter Eight
Malik
I texted Craig to make sure nothing had changed with his schedule and that he would still be gone tonight. He was actually very sweet and showed real concern over Asa’s situation. He could wild out sometimes, but I always appreciated his compassion and capacity to care for people in all sorts of circumstances.
Giving Asa the ten-cent tour took a backseat to making him comfortable and getting him settled while I started dinner.
“Can I offer you something to drink?”
“I’ll have a cola if you have it.”
“Coming up.”
He was sort of wandering around the living room looking at the pictures both Craig and I had up of our families.
“It must be nice to come from such a large extended family and to be so close to them,” Asa said as he took the glass from me and sat on the couch.
“For the most part yes. Craig and his sister still fight like teenagers sometimes.”
“I kind of have that with Bess.”
“You okay with mac and cheese for dinner?”
“Well, that depends if we are talking homemade or the stuff in the blue box.”
“I’m offended. I am a yellow box guy all the way. Powder cheese doesn’t compare to the good creamy stuff.”
That did get him smiling again for a split second.
“I was thinking I would use my grandmother’s recipe and give you something homemade. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”
“Um, you’ve been pleasantly surprising me all day.”
Leaning in to kiss him, I went to start dinner. “Feel free to turn on the television. If you turn on our Apple TV, you can check out our eclectic music selection.”
