Monsters on the March

by Derek the Ghost

  Charles was almost at the next checkpoint. The rest of the monster-pirates continued to press down the hallway roaring, “Yarrr!” Suddenly, dozens of fourth graders emerged from their classrooms. They aimed what looked like water pistols at the monster-pirates.

  The monster-pirates halted and started laughing. “Har! Har! Har!”

  Captain Pigbeard exclaimed, “Do ye really expect to stop us with a little spray of water? You scalawags shall be tasty appetizers!”

  But as the monster-pirates advanced, the fourth graders lowered gas masks over their faces and shot the liquid from their pistols onto the floor. Exposed to the air, the liquid immediately turned into a thick gas, which the monster-pirates could not help but breathe in. The fourth graders had doused them with Fear Gas—the very same gas that exploded in Mr. Acidbath’s class two years ago, ending the life of yours truly.

  As soon as it entered their lungs, the monster-pirates froze in their tracks. Their eyes darted back and forth.

  “Everything is so scary here!” Pigbeard shrieked. The monster-pirates huddled together, shaking.

  I decided to become visible at that moment and shouted, “Boo!”

  Screaming in terror, Pigbeard and his horde retreated back to their pirate ships many miles away, where they jumped into their beds and pulled the covers over themselves.

  Charles and the fourth graders danced with joy. They gave so many high fives, their hands were hurting! They tried to high-five me as well, but they went right through me and smacked their friends in the face.

  Seeing the monster-pirates defeated, King Zog was as startled as he was furious.

  Unfortunately for the children of Scary School, there were still five thousand of Zog’s elite soldiers—the karate monsters—who would not be so easily fooled.

  The karate monsters looked vicious and disciplined. They wore different-colored karate belts indicating their level of expertise. Most were odd combinations of trolls and warthogs, orcs and hyenas, gremlins and gorillas.

  Zog decided to lead the force himself to ensure capture of the elusive Charles Nukid.

  The karate monsters circled around the sides of the school, heading for where Charles stood at the back entrance. As planned, he was met by Johnny, Ramon, and Peter with their skateboards.

  The monsters crept around both corners of the building, grinning when they spotted the boys standing there helpless. Zog gave the order, and they charged full speed ahead. Charles jumped onto Johnny the Sasquatch’s shoulders. Charles and the three friends took off on their skateboards as the monsters chased after them. Then they ollied onto metal rails they had installed that week and slid across the yard at break-neck speed.

  “Yahoo!” said Charles, thinking this was the most fun ride of his life.

  The dumbstruck monsters tripped over themselves trying to catch up.

  The rails ended at Scary Pool, where Fritz was waiting. Their parts done, Johnny, Ramon, and Peter wished Charles luck and skated off. The karate monsters finally caught up and charged toward Charles and Fritz.

  Fritz lowered his goggles. Charles climbed onto his back, and Fritz swam with him to the middle of Scary Pool.

  The monsters surrounded the banks of Scary Pool. “They have to come out sometime!” said King Zog, chuckling.

  But then Charles and Fritz rose up out of the water on the head of Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. Nessie swept her tail through the water, sending a fifty-foot tidal wave careening toward the battalion of monsters.

  “Uh-oh,” said the monsters, as the wave crashed down upon them. Thousands of monsters were washed away by the tide and then sucked back into the pool, where they were attacked by the hungry piranhas!

  Charles and Fritz high-fived. Nessie extended her eighty-foot neck like a bridge over the gates of Scary Pool, allowing Fritz and Charles to hop off her nose in a safe area. Fritz tossed a bucket of fish into Nessie’s mouth as a reward. “Thanks, Nessie!” said Fritz. Nessie licked him with her long tongue, and Fritz would smell like fish for the rest of his life.

  Charles made his way back to the school yard. The monsters who had escaped Scary Pool were hot on his trail.

  King Zog roared with fury. Each time it seemed Charles was in his grasp, he managed a miraculous escape.

  Penny Possum was waiting for Charles at the Pit of Scarflakk. They held hands and jumped into the pit together. Charles hardly remembered what it felt like to hold Penny’s hand and he relished the moment.

  King Zog ordered his karate monsters to crawl into the pit after Charles and Penny, thinking it was just an ordinary hole in the ground.

  Once the last monster was in the pit, the Scary School kids emerged from hiding and quickly formed a human chain. The chain of kids slinked inside the pitch-dark pit. The pit already smelled like rotting meat, and with the added odors of hundreds of monsters, it was all but unbearable.

  The students ventured bravely and nauseously down the pit’s long throat, led by Jason and his reliable chainsaw. Penny saw her friends coming for them while hiding at the edge of the Scarflakk’s belly. She grabbed hold of Jason’s free hand, and she and Charles were pulled out to safety.

  The monsters had no one to pull them out. Thus they were trapped in the pit and slowly digested over a thousand years…I mean seconds.

  The pit was beyond full and burped with satisfaction.

  For a few moments, the students believed they had succeeded. They ran up to Charles and Penny and patted them on the back and gave them hugs.

  But then, King Zog clapped his hands from high on his mobile throne. Thunder crashed and five hundred more monsters were lowered through the clouds in the claws of giant vultures.

  These monsters looked bigger, meaner, and more athletic than any of the other monsters.

  “You have fought bravely,” said King Zog from his throne. “But as you can see, King Zog has saved his most elite karate monsters for last. These are the monsters who have never lost in battle, and King Zog assures you, they will tear you all to pieces if given the order.”

  The students looked at one another, checking if anyone had a plan other than begging for mercy.

  The tension was snapped when Mr. Grump trumpeted his trunk and galumphed out in front of the students.

  The monsters flinched at the elephant man’s strange appearance.

  “Move out of the way, you…odd creature,” barked King Zog. “Our fight is not with you. In fact, you would make a fine addition to Monster Kingdom.”

  “Nuh-uh. You won’t harm a single hair on any of my students’ heads.”

  “If you refuse to move, you shall be devoured along with them.”

  Mr. Grump got nervous realizing it was just him versus five hundred monsters, but then the doors burst open and Principal Headcrusher emerged. She stood next to Mr. Grump. “Then you’ll have to go through me too,” she decreed, forming her giant hands into fists.

  All of a sudden, the rest of the teachers came out and joined the formation—Dr. Dragonbreath and Ms. Hydra, Mrs. T the T. rex, Ms. Fangs, King Khufu, and Mr. Snakeskin. Even Tanya Tarantula joined the line to defend all her new friends.

  Dr. Dragonbreath spoke in his stern dragon voice: “Nobody eats students at Scary School but us.”

  21

  The Curse Comes True

  King Zog smiled his stumpy-toothed smile, stood up on his horse legs, and raised his scorpion tail. He didn’t seem at all intimidated by the line of Scary School teachers.

  “Ha! Ha! Ha! For teachers, you have made a very unwise choice. Monsters…attaaack!”

  The elite karate monsters released their furious war cries and charged forward. Mr. Grump instinctually did an elephant charge, blasting through their front line. Mrs. T swung her tail, whacking thirty monsters at once, sending them flying into the air. Dr. Dragonbreath and Ms. Hydra blew a wall of fire to keep the karate monsters away from the students.

  The karate monsters were displaying their moves, aiming flying kicks and powerful chops at Scary School’s p
rotectors.

  Twenty monsters pounced upon Mr. Grump to subdue him. Unable to shake the monsters off, the only thing that squeezed through the pile was Mr. Grump’s pliable trunk. With the last breath he could muster, he trumpeted as loud as he could.

  The sound of his trumpet traveled across the landscape at the speed of…well…sound, until it reached the ears of the All-Knowing Monkey of Scary Mountain. Lounging in his coconut tree, which had recently become an entire grove of coconut trees thanks to Mr. Grump, the startled All-Knowing Monkey surveyed the melee below with his binoculars. “Oh no! Morris Grump is in trouble. I got your back, buddy.”

  Tanya Tarantula was doing her best to fend off a horde of monsters with her giant fangs. She raised her legs, and sharp hairs shot out like darts, flying right into the eyes of the monsters, who dropped to their knees in anguish.

  Wow, thought Tanya. I didn’t even know I could do that. But then, a swarm of tarantula hawks emerged from the monster multitude. The highly poisonous wasps descended upon Tanya, who had no good defense against such small creatures. With her eight eyes, she noticed that these were the very same tarantula hawks that had killed 490 of her brothers and sisters. They had come to finish the job.

  The tarantula hawks laughed in their buzzy language. “Hee hee hee! You thought you could escape from us, but we knew we’d find you one day!”

  The tarantula hawks surged toward Tanya, their stingers full of venom aimed at her vulnerable abdomen. Tanya closed her eight eyes, thinking this was the end. But at the last second, another giant tarantula emerged from the fray. It was as big as a car!

  The huge tarantula shot a net of silk from its backside. The net ensnared the tarantula hawks in a sticky, inescapable cocoon.

  Tanya opened her eight eyes and saw the snared insects. The giant tarantula in front of her waved and Tanya recognized her immediately.

  It was her mother.

  Tears poured out from all sixteen of the mother and daughter’s eyes, and they shared a big tarantula hug.

  “Mommy, you do care!” Tanya exclaimed through tears of joy.

  Tanya’s mother didn’t know how to talk, but she nodded her fangs up and down as fast as she could.

  Despite their early success, the Scary School teachers were becoming overwhelmed by the sheer number of monsters. Dr. Dragonbreath, Ms. Hydra, Principal Headcrusher, and Mrs. T had been taken captive. The rest were close to meeting a similar fate. Only Mr. Grump was still struggling beneath the pile of monsters on top of him, laboring with his last ounce of strength to burst free.

  That was when the miracle happened. There was a great rumbling on the ground. By the time the monsters turned around, it was too late. Hundreds upon hundreds of coconuts were rolling straight at them faster than race cars. Without time to dive out of the way, the monsters were smacked by the coconuts like bowling pins.

  The All-Knowing Monkey had rolled them all the way down Scary Mountain with pinpoint precision. The coconuts were extra hard and icy from growing on the snowcap, which had made them as solid as cannonballs.

  The monkey shrieked with glee, performing monkey flips when he witnessed his perfect strike.

  Only two monsters had managed to avoid the bombardment: King Zog, perched high on his throne, and a bearodactyl—the lone winged monster remaining. It had flown upward to avoid the collision.

  From high in the air, the bearodactyl recognized Charles Nukid. It was the same mama bearodactyl that had mistakenly thought Charles was after her off-spring in Monster Forest. She saw it was the perfect opportunity to finish Charles off and teach him an important life lesson about not messing with bearodactyl babies.

  The bearodactyl, with its sharp pterodactyl beak, razor teeth, and powerful wings, went into a nosedive, barreling toward the defenseless Charles. He was cheering so fervently after the coconut collision, he did not realize that all his classmates had seen the bearodactyl and had taken cover.

  Bryce McCallister noticed that Charles was oblivious to his imminent doom. He decided this was the perfect opportunity to repay him for keeping the secret about his uncursed state. Bryce brushed his long hair out of his eyes, then leaped in front of Charles, selflessly taking the brunt of the bearodactyl’s attack.

  As Bryce was gored by the furious monster, the girls in King Khufu’s class screamed. This was the moment they had been dreading all year. The curse of death coming to Bryce upon swift wings had come true, even though there was actually no curse at all.

  Luckily, the Scary School medic, Nurse Hairymoles, was the best nurse in the whole world. She quickly pulled Bryce off to the side and turned him into a vampire before his body could start decaying. Bryce’s long hair and dark good looks suited him becoming a vampire perfectly.

  Now the girls in Bryce’s class liked him even more than before.

  Meanwhile, Charles was running for his life from the angry bearodactyl. But the bearodactyl easily knocked Charles to the ground. Charles found himself cornered between the Scary School building and a large Dumpster, with nowhere left to run. The bearodactyl smiled and drooled over the delicious meal it would soon be enjoying, when a loud voice was heard from high above.

  “Nooo! Not my Charles!” the not-quite-royal voice cried out.

  Princess Zogette leaped from the top of Scary School’s roof, where she had been hiding the whole time, falling bottom-first upon the bearodactyl like a ton of bricks. The bearodactyl was knocked out by Zogette’s bottom, teaching it a very important life lesson about not messing with Zogette’s man.

  Charles looked up at the princess and could only say, “You saved my life.”

  Zogette smiled at Charles and fixed three hairs on his head that had gone out of place.

  But before Charles could even give her a thank-you hug, a sticky tongue hit Zogette right in the back and yanked her away.

  22

  The Big Kiss

  King Zog had seen his chance and shot his impossibly long frog’s tongue across the yard, reeling Zogette in like a fish.

  “At last I have you back, insolent daughter!” King Zog proclaimed. “Now it is time to marry Captain Pigbeard!”

  “No, Father! Please don’t make me do it!” Zogette pleaded.

  “Who you marry is not your choice. As your father, it is my choice. No more arguments.”

  King Zog jumped off his throne, holding Zogette tightly to his chest. He began running toward the coast with his speedy horse legs.

  Nobody was sure whether or not to get in the middle of this family issue. The monsters had been defeated, so the teachers and students seemed to think that the battle was over.

  The only one who couldn’t stand to see Zogette abducted was Petunia. She knew what it felt like to be held against her will from her time in Scary Forest last year. She ordered the bees and wasps buzzing around her hair to stop King Zog.

  The bees flew after King Zog while Petunia and Charles ran to catch up. When the bees swarmed the king, they halted his escape. He was shrieking from the stings and swatting the bees away.

  “Don’t take another step!” Petunia shouted. “You have no right to force your daughter to marry someone she doesn’t want to be with.”

  The bees drew away from King Zog, but remained hovering around him to make sure he didn’t try to run off again.

  “Little purple girl,” said King Zog, “you do not understand monster customs. Zogette must marry whoever I choose, for her own good and for the good of the monster species.”

  “No, she must not,” Petunia replied. “Marriage is about more than political arrangements. It’s about love.”

  “I do not know of this human emotion called love. It sounds very silly.”

  “When you were a young monster, your parents freed you from the dungeon because they loved you. When you waged battle against the Monster King Bub-Gub to save your parents from his dungeon, did you not do that out of love?”

  “You’re saying…how I feel for my parents…that’s how Zogette and Charles feel for each other
?”

  “Well…it’s a different kind of love, but it’s still love. By separating Charles and Zogette, you are doing the same thing that the intolerant monsters did to you and your parents. You are no better than them.”

  King Zog was taken aback. He had never thought that what he was doing could possibly cause so much pain to his daughter. He thought she had just wanted to annoy him.

  “Okay,” said King Zog. “I want to see this love you speak of.” King Zog released Zogette. “If Zogette and Charles proclaim their love for each other and share a tender kiss, maybe I will believe in it.”

  Charles began sweating bullets. This whole time he had put up with Zogette because he wanted to follow the rules and because he felt bad for her. He never really liked her. Now he had to convince King Zog that what they had was true love.

  “Fine! I agree, Father!” Zogette declared. “Come to me, Charles.”

  Charles walked slowly to Zogette. She stood there smiling with her misshapen teeth and her slimy frog tongue hanging out, giggling with anticipation.

  As soon as Charles reached her, she took his hands and proclaimed, “I love you, Charles! Now, you say it.”

  At that moment, a flood of images went through Charles’s head. He remembered the big hug Zogette gave him when he saved her from the monster-pirates. He remembered the amazing guitar she gave to him, signed by all his favorite musicians. He remembered her eating the entire Thanksgiving turkey in one gulp. He remembered her making a brave leap from the top of Scary School’s roof to save his life just minutes ago. And suddenly, Charles did not care anymore that Zogette was possibly the ugliest creature on the planet or that she smelled like something even a maggot would not dare to eat.

  Charles realized that he did in fact love Zogette, and told her with the deepest sincerity, “I love you, too.”