Hit the Road, Manny: A Manny Files Novel

by Christian Burch

  The manny is sharing the room with Uncle Max across the hall. They slept late this morning because they went out to a late dinner last night. India said that they are probably tired because they drank too much wine. I put a chair up next to our door so that I could stand on it to see through the little eyehole. Whenever I heard a noise or movement in the hallway, I ran over to see if it was the manny and Uncle Max. I saw the housekeeper. I saw room service. I saw a dressed-up woman with fancy jewelry pick her nose. She must have forgotten that people can see her through the peepholes in their doors.

  When they did finally come out of their room, Uncle Max was wearing a crisp white shirt and jeans, and the manny was wearing a black Lacoste golf shirt and khaki pants with a striped belt. I saw what they were wearing and ran to the closet to change. I was definitely underdressed for what we were going to do today. Maybe we were going to have lunch at Siegfried and Roy’s mansion. I bet the manny knows them. I had on an “I NY” T-shirt that Dad had brought me from a business trip, but I changed into my black Lacoste golf shirt. Mine isn’t really Lacoste, but it is black. Lulu called me Mini-Me for the rest of the day, but the manny said that “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” He told me that the clothing designer Zac Posen is always imitating his style for his fashion line and that’s why “young Hollywood looks so put together these days.” India said that if Zac Posen really imitated the manny’s style, there would be a lot more women with shaved heads, leather loafers, and patches of hair on their chins that they missed while shaving, a definite Glamour Don’t. She said Zac Posen is always a Glamour Do, even when he wears a metallic gold sport coat.

  We didn’t go have lunch at Siegfried and Roy’s mansion. We went shopping at a place called Caesars Palace. In the middle of the shops there are statues of Roman gods that talk and move. A big crowd gathered, and we watched the King Atlas statue decide which of his children would rule Atlantis next. They fought over it until King Atlas started yelling and the walls began to thunder. Belly had to get up on Dad’s shoulders because she was scared. I didn’t really pay attention to the show because there was a brown velvet blazer in the window of Banana Republic that I kept staring at. It looked like cake frosting.

  Caesars Palace is also where Elton John has his concert when Céline Dion isn’t using the stage. Dad bought us all tickets to the 7:30 show and said it was his gift to Uncle Max and the manny. They must be celebrating something special, because Dad doesn’t usually give gifts. He usually lets Mom take care of that and just signs the cards where Mom points. Maybe Uncle Max and the manny were celebrating Uncle Max’s painting show. Or maybe it was Oprah’s birthday again. The manny always celebrates that.

  Belly got tired and cranky, so we went back to the Bellagio so she could take a nap in the hotel room. When Belly gets tired and cranky, she throws herself on the floor and does her frustrated cry, with lots of yelling sobs but no real tears. Mom is usually good at knowing when Belly is about to get tired and cranky, but this one sneaked up on us in the middle of Gap Kids. Before Mom could grab Belly and bribe her with candy from her purse or a chocolate chip cookie from Mrs. Fields, Belly threw herself onto the floor. She rolled underneath a table of striped baby sweaters, fake-sobbing and kicking the table leg. A pregnant lady was holding up one of the sweaters and showing her husband. Dad said it must be their first child, because nobody shops for their babies the second or third time around. The pregnant lady got a worried look on her face and started to cry. Her husband tried to comfort her by putting his arm around her. He made eye contact with Mom and said, “She’s just really emotional these days.”

  Mom smiled and said, “It’s not always like this. Sometimes she knocks over the window display.”

  The pregnant lady laughed through her tears while Mom grabbed Belly and said, “Let’s go back to the room so you can embarrass me in private.”

  “We all need to rest anyway,” Uncle Max added. “We have a big night tonight.”

  We’re going to the Elton John concert and then to a surprise that Uncle Max planned. Lulu’s trying to figure out what the surprise is because she doesn’t want to be tricked into going someplace that has topless showgirls. She says that topless showgirls make her uncomfortable. I’m not sure how she knows.

  Dear Sarah,

  Uncle Max has a surprise for us tonight after the Elton John concert. I think it might be meeting Elton John. If it is, I’ll get you an autographed copy of the Lion King sound track. I’m going to bow and say, “The pleasure is mine, Sir Elton John,” since he was made a knight by Queen Elizabeth. I hope I don’t throw up on him with excitement. His outfits look like they would be expensive to dry-clean. I think Lulu knows what the surprise is, but she won’t tell me.

  Maybe it’s written in her diary. I gotta go.

  Keats

  27The Itch Is Back

  Mom wore fancy gray slacks and a silky cream shirt that flowed like a flag in the wind when she walked. Her high heels made her as tall as Dad and Uncle Max, and taller than the manny. She looked like a model in a fashion show and even walked differently, like she couldn’t keep up with her legs. Instead of her usual gigantic purse she carried a small, jeweled bag that had only Kleenex and Altoids inside. Belly would probably ask for both during the Elton John concert.

  Lulu, India, and Belly all had fancy dresses on too. Belly wore hers with a pair of purple rain boots with daisies painted on the sides. Mom didn’t make her change into her nice shoes because she likes to let Belly express herself. We don’t know what it is that Belly’s trying to express, but one time she wore toilet paper around the top of her head like a turban to a birthday party.

  Dad looked like he does when he goes to work: blue suit, white shirt, and tie. He wore the orange pocket square in his front jacket pocket for a “splash of color.” That’s what I wrote on the Father’s Day card when I gave him the pocket square. Dad asked me to fluff it just right and stuff it in his pocket because I have the touch.

  Uncle Max thinks I have the touch too. He asked my opinion on his shoes. I chose black pointy leather oxfords. He wore them with a black suit. The manny wore black too, except he wore a white shirt, suspenders, and a floppy black bow tie from last fall’s Barneys CO-OP catalog. I wanted to wear suspenders too, but I was worried that Lulu would call me Mini-Me again. And I didn’t have suspenders. India gave us each her Glamour Do approval as she held the hotel room door for us to go through. She made Dad go back into the bathroom and put more product in his hair. Then she gave him a faux-hawk.

  Instead of suspenders I wore slacks, a starched white shirt, and a green sweater vest. I saw the same look in the window of the Brooks Brothers store at the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace. As we were walking through the hotel lobby on the way to the concert, the manny even said, “You look just like the window display at Brooks Brothers.”

  “I do?” I asked, scrunching up my face and pretending that I didn’t know that I looked like the window display.

  The manny just nodded. I put my hands in my pockets and walked the way businessmen do on Saturdays, like I was happy to be going to a football game or a pumpkin sale instead of sitting in front of a computer typing in quarterly reports. Dad does quarterly reports. It’s when you report on how many quarters you have in the bank.

  Our seats at the Elton John concert were right in the middle of the first floor. We could see the stage perfectly without binoculars or standing on the chairs. There was a big red piano on the left side of the stage and neon signs that said ELTON on the right side. Everybody was dressed really fancy and carried martini glasses with olives or glasses of wine. I felt like I was at the opera. I’ve never been to the opera, but I bet people dress up and carry cocktails.

  As soon as the concert started, I knew I wasn’t at the opera. Elton John came out onstage, and the whole audience screamed and stood up. A lady in a red strapless dress screamed, “YOU ROCK!” I don’t think that happens at the opera. I also don’t think that they would have blow-up fruit and bi
g blow-up boobs on the stage at the opera.

  Elton John wore a bright red suit that India called Nehru. She announced to herself loud enough for all of us to hear, “He is such a Glamour Don’t that he’s a Glamour Do.” Then she sighed like she was in love.

  “I was hoping he’d play more of his Lion King songs,” Lulu said, leaning over to India. “Céline would never sing this song.” Elton John was singing a wild song that had the B word in it, while a big video of Pamela Anderson swinging around a pole played behind him. Lulu had her hands over her eyes. She hates pole dancing and she hates the B word. I don’t really like it either, but I read in People magazine that women in the suburbs are taking pole-dancing classes for exercise. I told Mom that she should get a pole for our garage, to go with our weight bench and Thighmaster. India was moving her knees up and down to the same beat that Pamela Anderson was swinging around the pole.

  Mom, Dad, Uncle Max, and the manny sang to nearly every song. “Philadelphia Freedom.” “Your Song.” “Levon.” Mom even put her hands up in the air and waved them around while she sang along with “Rocket Man.” Lulu calmly asked her to please stop because security was looking at her.

  When Elton John was introducing one song, he said, “This one goes out to all the sugar bears out there.” I looked over and saw Uncle Max squeeze the manny’s knee with his hand. The manny’s hand was on top of Uncle Max’s hand. He had his eyes closed and he started mouthing the words. The manny put his arm around Uncle Max when it got to a part that said “And someone saved my life tonight sugar bear.” At the end of the song I leaned over to Uncle Max and said, “You’re a free butterfly, Sugar Bear.” He winked at me.

  Belly was asleep by the time the concert was over. She even slept through the standing ovation and Elton John yelling, “Thank you! I love you!” in his British accent. Belly had six Altoids lined up and pressed into her bare leg, and Kleenexes stuffed into her ears. Her purple rain boots were on the floor, and her bare feet were sprawled across Mom’s nice clothes. Mom still looked like she was a fashion model, but not for Vogue. More like Ladies’ Home Journal.

  The lights came up in the theater, and the manny and Uncle Max looked energized, like they had just woken up from a nap. Their faces were beaming like Belly’s does on Christmas morning when she runs into the room and jumps on the pile of presents.

  Dad stood up and picked up Belly, who woke up and scrambled to save the Altoids that were falling to the floor.

  “Céline will get them,” said the manny. “She loves Altoids. She eats them for dinner.”

  Lulu punched the manny in the arm.

  On the way out of the theater we talked about our favorite parts of the concert.

  “I liked the big blow-up boobs!” Dad said, laughing.

  “I liked ‘Tiny Dancer,’” Mom said.

  “My favorite song was ‘Daniel,’” said India.

  Belly made Dad put her down so she could show us her favorite part. “I LIKED THE ITCH, THE ITCH, THE ITCH IS BACK.” Belly started jumping up and down like crazy and pretended to be scratching itches all over her body. She looked like she was being attacked by ants.

  The song didn’t really say “The itch is back.” It said something else, but nobody corrected Belly.

  “What about ‘Circle of Life’?” Mom asked.

  “NO, THE ITCH SONG!” Belly said, letting out a big breath and lowering her shoulders like she was completely happy.

  Lulu changed the subject. “My favorite part was when Elton made eye contact with me and said, ‘Thank you. I love you.’” She called him Elton just like she calls Céline Dion, Céline. Like they went to college together.

  “GOY!” Mom said, and then high-fived me like she was in my class and we were out at recess.

  I sang “You’re a butterfly. And butterflies are free to fly” in my mind while we walked to wherever Uncle Max was taking us. I couldn’t wait. Maybe it was side-by-side massages. I’ve never had a massage.

  Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Sugar Bear28

  We walked down the Strip, still excited from the concert. The Strip is the main road in Las Vegas, where all the casinos are lined up: New York–New York. Paris Las Vegas. Treasure Island.

  India wouldn’t stop chattering. She said she was going to try to re-create a couple of Elton John’s outfits for the manny.

  “I don’t know,” said the manny. “You have to be pretty confident to wear some of those things.”

  “You’re confident!” India said back. “Remember when you wore your bathrobe to Lulu’s spa birthday party?” Lulu had a spa birthday party for her last birthday. Her friends came over to the house, and Lulu hired India to give them all pedicures and manicures. She hired me to give them all shoulder rubs. They even went into the bathroom, turned on the hot water in the shower, and pretended that they were in a steam room. The manny wore his robe and served glasses of water with cucumber slices in them, and strawberries and whipped cream.

  “I remember,” said Lulu. “I had to send notes of apology instead of thank-you notes to all my friends.” Lulu is starting to pick up on the manny’s humor.

  Uncle Max laughed at Lulu’s joke and squeezed the manny’s shoulder like they do in the movies when they say “No hard feelings.”

  Uncle Max kept his hand on the manny’s shoulder until we got back to the Bellagio.

  “I thought you had a surprise for us,” I protested as we walked under the Chihuly sculptured ceiling.

  “We’re going!” Uncle Max said to me like he was my age and we were fighting in the car. He said it really snotty like Lulu does. “Hold your horses! Keep your pants on!” he kept saying.

  He led us to the botanical garden, which has a big tree that is 120 years old. The tree was surrounded by rosebushes, daisies, and other colorful flowers, which Belly kept trying to pick. Mom got after her, but she sparkled her eyes. Belly can sparkle her eyes and smile and be really cute when she wants to. Mom calls it her sweet look. I practiced a sweet look in the mirror, but it looked forced. It looked more like I had bad gas or a bladder problem. Belly’s looks natural.

  Belly kept her sweet look on the whole time we were in the botanical garden. When we got to the base of the big tree, there was a man standing there with a white suit on and sparkly, big glasses. He looked just like Elton John. I thought it was Elton John at first, but when he spoke, he didn’t have a British accent. He sounded more like the cabdriver from my trip with Grandma to New York City. The cabdriver called Grandma “sweet cheeks,” so she tipped him a dollar extra.

  The Elton John look-alike said, “Yo. You Max?” There was a small woman with a portable CD player standing next to him.

  Uncle Max smiled and nodded. How did they know each other? Was our surprise going to be that Uncle Max had joined the mob and we all had to move to Italy and join the witness protection program? I’d dye my hair black and change my name to Rico and drink red wine from a bottle in a paper bag. I think you can drink wine when you’re ten in Italy. Nobody would ever know that it was me, because the real me would never have black hair or drink wine. Especially from a paper bag.

  “This is Matthew,” Uncle Max introduced the manny to mafia Elton John, who had a small book in his hand and a rope hanging around his neck. He looked like he had just graduated from the School of Crocodile Rock. That’s what India whispered to me.

  “Pleasure,” mafia Elton John said in his Sopranos voice. I’ve never seen The Sopranos, but Craig watches it and is always saying things like “I got issues!” and “Who got whacked?” when we’re out on the playground.

  Uncle Max turned to us and said, “This is the surprise.” Mom squealed and hugged Uncle Max and then Matthew. Dad shook both of their hands. I had no idea what was going on. This was our surprise? I was kind of hoping for a helicopter ride over the Hoover Dam or show-girl dance lessons. Lulu pulled her To Kill a Mockingbird book out of her pocket and flipped through it like she was preparing to read something. India asked Lulu something quietly in her ear
. Lulu leaned in to India and quietly said something back. I think they were planning their escape from the witness protection program.

  “Ohhhh!” India said like she’d just solved a mystery. In the cartoons there would have been a lightbulb over her head. Belly didn’t have any idea what was going on. She was still concentrating on her sweet look. She was starting to look like a mannequin or like those creepy kids in the horror movies who never blink.

  Uncle Max and the manny stood in front of mafia Elton John, who said in an official voice, “We are gathered here today to celebrate the love between Matthew and Maximilian.” Mom squeezed Dad’s hand. I grabbed on to Belly’s and squeezed it. It made her blink. Finally.

  This was our surprise! I stared up at Uncle Max’s and the manny’s faces. They looked really happy. Their smiles were so big that you could see their gums. The Elton John look-alike kept talking about how the world needs more love in it, and about how when people love each other, it can be contagious and passed on to other people, making the world happier. He said it better than that. I don’t think he used the word “contagious.” That kind of makes love sound like the flu.

  When Uncle Max spoke, he said something about how he never knew exactly how much laughter he was missing in his life until he met the manny. He didn’t call him the manny. He called him Matthew. Uncle Max had a tear stream down his cheek like the little boy at the end of Finding Neverland.

  The manny didn’t say anything. He just gave Uncle Max a hug and asked Lulu to step forward to read her passage. I guess that’s why Lulu knew about this surprise. She must have reached the age when parents don’t keep secrets from their kids. I can’t wait to reach that age. Mom will probably talk to me about diets, and Dad will talk about Old Spice and towel snapping. Locker-room talk.