by Sandra Cole
I owed him everything.
***
My heart sank and leapt as I heard the door click open. I’d been sitting in the same position for so long that I’d almost forgotten what I was doing there. But now Javier was back, and I had to say all that I needed to say. I’d been waiting for this moment all day long. I still didn’t feel ready for it.
“What’s this?” he demanded as he saw me surrounded by all of my bags. “Please don’t tell me this is what it looks like?”
His heart broke, I could see it in his eyes. As much as I wanted to reach out to him and abandon my plan to leave him, I didn't. This would hurt now, but in the long run it was best for everyone involved. It wouldn’t be long until Javier saw that too. He had to recognize that I was doing this for him, he needed to see it eventually.
“I’m sorry,” I replied, trying my best to keep the thick emotion from my voice. It didn’t really work because the shaking was obvious, but I continued on regardless. “I just don’t know who I am anymore, and where I fit into the world. I don’t want to hurt you, I hate that I’m causing you any sadness, but I can’t stay. I don’t want to continue making things difficult for you.”
“Let me help you,” he begged, stepping closer to me. “Let me help get you through this. All I need you to do is let me in. The second you have a problem, you shut down and refuse help. Moreover, I need you here. You’re the one person who makes my life worth living.”
He was right about me and my ways. I had a real tendency to close off, but I didn’t know how to stop. I’d spent so much of my life alone that I just wasn’t sure how to open up.
I said, “I want to figure out what I’m doing, but I can’t do that right now. Not while I’m going through all of this as well. I’m adjusting, trying to get used to this new body. I want to figure out who I am. It’s too much. I just can’t do it, it’s overwhelming me.”
Javier grabbed hold of my hands, but I slipped my fingers from him. My meaning had to be clear. I wanted to cling to him, but I couldn’t. I needed to stick to my guns with this one, however much it sucked. His eyes fell to the floor and I could see tears forming in the corner of them which made me feel even worse.
“I don’t want to lose you,” he told me, sounding about as sad as I felt. “I love you, I want you in my life forever. I thought this was what we planned.”
I remembered the naïve version of me that made all those plans, and I missed her like crazy. I wanted to be her once more, but I felt like maybe she was gone forever. "I need to find out who I am," I said, quietly.
“Do you think you’ll come back when you do?” he asked, hopefulness lacing his tone.
“I don’t know,” I replied cautiously. The last thing I wanted to do was leave him hanging, waiting for me. This was supposed to be as clean a break as I could manage. “I don’t know. I just don’t know who I am.”
Javier nodded slowly, but he glanced up at me under his eyelashes showing me how hurt I’d left him. “I get it,” he told me. “I get it but I wish it wasn’t the case.”
“So do I,” I whispered, emotion consuming me. “But it has to be this way. I don’t know how to get over losing Mike like that, and I feel like I’ve lost myself too.”
Javier hugged me and we held one another for a while, just losing ourselves in one another’s bodies. My mind was racing with thoughts and I was sure that his was the same, but neither of us vocalized them at all. We just held each other, passing time, delaying the inevitable. I didn’t want to let go and nor did he.
“I love you,” Javier eventually told me with a hopelessness to his tone. He was accepting of this. However much he didn’t like it, and I had to feel grateful to him for that.
“I love you too, I really do,” I admitted gravely. “And I wish you all the happiness in the world.”
It felt like we still had so much to say to one another, but there wasn’t any time left. I had to go before anything could change my mind, and Javier seemed to sense that.
I stepped back, smiled sadly, and blinked a few times to stop myself from sobbing. “I hope we see each other again,” I told him seriously. “I don't regret our time together.”
And with that, I turned to click the door open, and I pushed my way outside. As the cool air hit my face, the tears fell, but I forced myself to walk away. I had to go. I had to that step towards getting a better life.
I didn’t know where I was going. But with each step my old life with Javier got further behind me.
It wasn’t going to be easy. It would be the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I hoped like hell it would be worth it.
I hoped I wouldn’t regret putting this relationship away…
***
It took me three months to finally adjust to my new body and the life I was living. During that time I found my own home, I spent time by myself, I got used to the Eve I was now, and I found that actually she wasn’t so bad.
I’d been naïve, I’d made a lot of stupid decisions, and I wasn’t the superhero I wanted to be, but actually that was okay. I had spent too long being hard on myself, and now I could see that all I needed was to give myself a break. Everyone made mistakes and acted stupidly. Everyone fell short of their own expectations… It took me a while to come to terms with that, but I was making progress.
I was becoming accustomed to it all now. I barely noticed that my body wasn’t what it used to be. I hardly felt the metallic part of me. I was just me and that was all that mattered.
I certainly wasn’t alone either, many humans had been changed into cyborgs at the end of the war to keep them alive, and they were fine with that. They just wanted a second chance at survival, and that was what they’d been given. Maybe there were haters, but I didn’t surround myself with anyone negative. I only spent time with people who truly cared about me.
“Thank you for your work today,” Craig said. He grinned at me. “It’s good to have you on board.”
“You’re welcome, thank you for having me,” I said.
After leaving Javier, I hadn’t turned to Craig right away, but the moment I felt ready to be a productive member of his society, I did. Now I worked doing all his odd jobs, just generally making his life easier. I knew that he wanted me on the council, helping to make all the important decisions for everyone, but I wasn’t there yet. Maybe one day I’d be ready for that but for now I was taking things slowly.
Craig was no longer anything but my friend, and that felt good. I liked having someone who knew me so well in my life. It made it easier for me to feel like myself around him. Craig had seen me at my worst and at my best, and he never judged me for it. The thought that I’d spent so many years hating him was madness now, all but forgotten.
Once I may have been attracted to him, once that understanding felt like something more, but not anymore. We were settled being what we were, it felt good.
It hadn’t been easy, but I was finally coming to terms with losing Mike too. The grief was still there, and I felt like it always would be along with the memory of his brutal murder, but I was learning to carry it with me rather than allowing it to weigh me down.
Mike had died to let me live. I owed it to him to at least give him a chance.
“You know that promotion is still there, whenever you want it,” Craig teased. “Everyone wants you on board.”
“Stop lying,” I shot back with a smile. “I’m sure it’s just you, Rachel and Flint.” Both humans and cyborgs were on the council, but all of them were committed to peace. I was so glad Rachel and Flint had managed to survive the war too, and while it hurt seeing their relationship flourish while mine had failed, it was nice to have them as friends.
“Javier wants you on the council as well…”
He left that statement hanging in the air, crossing a boundary we never did. He knew the story. He’d gotten some of it from me, some of it from him, but we had an unspoken agreement not to discuss it.
But now it seemed like we were discussing it.
I didn’t reply. I just fixed my eyes on the ground instead. I had no idea where Javier’s life was anymore. I made a point never to find out, but now the questions were burning my lips, and the desire to know never faded. I wanted to know everything. I thought I might be ready for him again. But he might have given up on me and moved on.
“He misses you, you know?” Craig nudged me. “He’ll always love you.” Hearing those words brought a surge of emotion. I thought I would cry.
“I love him too,” I confessed, freeing the emotions I’d locked away for far too long. “But I blew it! I pushed him away because I was scared and uncertain. There isn’t any coming back from that. It’s hopeless. I wanted him to move on… I shouldn’t go back on that!”
Craig grabbed my shoulders and stared deeply into my eyes. “If you love Javier, you need to go for it. Javier saved your life because he knew you were the one for him. He waited in that hospital day and night for you to come back around. He loved you enough to let you go because he knew that you needed it. He will never love anyone like he loves you.”
“Really?” I gasped in shock, tears falling down my cheeks. “You think so?”
“I know Javier, and I know you. You belong together, it’s obvious. You shouldn’t let pride or stubbornness get in the way of what you should be. Life is too short. Hasn’t all of this shown you that? Mike gave you a second chance at life. We gave you a second chance at life. Don’t throw that away because you’re afraid.”
“You’re right,” I panted, wrapping my arms around him. “I’m sorry I’ve been so crazy. You’re absolutely right.”
I had messed up, more than once, but Javier never gave up hope for me. He seemed to see something in me that I couldn’t see in myself, and I felt eternally grateful to him for that.
“What should I do?” I begged Craig. “How do I make this right?”
“Go to him,” he shook his head smilingly at me as if it was obvious. “Tell him what you’re feeling, let him know how happy he makes you. Really open up to him in a way you haven’t before. He deserves to know you inside and out. You owe him that, and if you reveal yourself to him he will forgive you in a heartbeat.”
“You think so?” I said. I felt jittery and nervous, but excited too. I was about to link in the final piece to my jigsaw puzzle, to make it all okay again. I needed Javier to make me happy, not because I couldn’t do it myself anymore, but because he was perfect for me.
“Of course,” Craig laughed. “Go to him, for the love of God, and just be together will you?”
As I took off, I felt hopeful. This would be okay. This would work. Craig had given me the confidence to finally go after what I needed, and I couldn’t wait for the rest of my life to begin…
The only question was, was Craig right? Would Javier really take me back, after all I'd done?
***
My heart pounded, my body raced. It felt so good to be taking action, to finally find that brave person within me. I didn’t think that he would, but Javier could reject me. But I realized that I would rather go through that heartbreak than constantly wonder ‘what if’. I didn’t think that I could handle any more unanswered questions.
I knew where Javier worked these days, because I spent so much time avoiding the place. I took a longer route to work just so I didn’t have to walk past the door because I was so afraid to see him. I didn’t want to rile up any emotions until I was ready, and now I was glad for that. This had given us both the separation we so desperately needed, and now it was time for us to see where we really stood. There wouldn’t be anything leftover getting in the way, all of this would truly be real.
As I stood outside of the university where he worked on all kinds of research projects, making things better for the future, my heart hammered in my chest. I was apprehensive. It was a good, fresh fear, though. It reminded me that I was alive and also inherently human. Whatever had changed within me, I still had my humanity and that meant a lot.
It meant I still got to be Eve.
I stepped forwards, my legs trembling as I moved, but I pushed past that and continued going regardless. I needed to make this trip if I was ever going to find happiness, and I was so glad that Craig had pushed me. He did understand me, but that was the basis for our friendship. It didn’t have to ever be anything more again, not when my love was for Javier alone.
I walked through the hallways, my mind twisting up in intense knots as I went. This felt like the most important walk I would ever take in my whole entire life, and that prospect terrified me a bit. I noticed people walking past me, lectures happening in certain rooms, pictures on the walls; anything to distract me from my mission.
But I could only slow down for so long, it didn’t take much time for me to find myself standing outside of his office door, my fingers reaching out to knock. I stopped myself, on more than one occasion, but eventually I gulped everything down and I just did it.
Knock, knock.
I paused for a second, but got nothing back.
Knock, knock.
Still nothing… really? I’d spent all that time gearing myself up! I even pressed my ear up against the door but I got a resounding silence back.
Deflating, a bit like a balloon that had been fit to burst only moments ago, I slumped onto the nearest chair feeling all my fight ebb away. The courage and sense of destiny that Craig had inspired in me started to vanish, and doubt took their place. Had Javier and I been apart for too long? I couldn’t stand another second of it! But I had to endure it.
“Eve?” came a voice.
It was him! His voice! As I spun around to where I heard the speaking coming from, and our eyes connected once more I felt everything within me soar once more. It was him, the love of my life, and he didn’t look any different.
I wanted to leap forwards and race into his arms, but I couldn’t just yet. I had no idea how he felt, and all his eyes were giving me was confusion. I needed to figure out where his head was at before I pushed things. He’d given me my space so it was only fair I give him some.
“Yes, Javier,” I whispered, all of a sudden feeling shy. “It’s me.”
He moved tentatively closer, cocking his head to one side as he moved.
“And… are you back?” he asked curiously.
I bit down on my lip, nodding happily. That had to be a good sign, it had to mean that Craig was right. Javier still wanted me, he still saw the good in me, despite all the odds being stacked against me.
He was so close now that I could smell his manly scent, but the distance was just enough that we were almost circling one another, trying to work out where we stood.
“Yes, Javier. I’m back, really back,” I reassured him, shimmying inwards. “I no longer need to find myself. I realize who I’ve always been. I’m sorry that it took me so long, but I really do appreciate you giving me space, I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“So,” he held his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “You really are okay?”
Instead of answering him, I pulled him in and kissed him hard. There wasn’t any need to keep on talking, not when we both knew what we wanted. As his lips met mine I felt all that passion and love explode within me once more, bringing the last parts of me back to life. I couldn’t be complete without Javier, I could see that now.
“Let’s have that life together,” I whispered against his mouth as his arms snaked around my waist. “Let’s not waste any more time. I love you. We can make this work… can’t we?”
He stepped back to look at me and for a horrifying second I thought that he was going to reject me. Maybe I’d hurt him too much and he couldn’t let himself be vulnerable again, but then he started speaking to clarify his emotions.
“I want to know everything,” he rightfully insisted. “I don’t want you to switch off and turn away from me every time things get hard. If we’re going to be together, just me and you, then I need to know that you’re in it as much as me. I know it can be hard to be vulnerable, but I also know that
we can’t do this if you’re going to keep pushing me away.”
“I won’t, I promise,” I told him with a big grin on my face. “I’ve learnt my lesson, I won’t ever keep to myself again. It’s lonely.”
With that he pulled me closer to him once more and we kissed all over again. We hadn’t even made it into his office, we were still standing out in the hallway, kissing like crazy teens in love. The whole world could have been watching but I didn’t care. This was the man that I loved, and that was the end of it. We’d been through more trials and tribulations than any other couple and we’d made it back together. That felt like something that needed to be celebrated.
“I love you,” I told Javier honestly. “Always and forever.”
“I love you, too,” he replied. “I’ve missed you and I’m never letting you go again.”
He moved me into his office seamlessly, and clicked the lock shut behind him. There was a fire in his eyes. We’d been apart for too long. We both knew that. It was time to start making up for that lost few months. We were in love now, happier than ever, and I had the strong feeling that it would be forever…
Javier wasn’t human, but then again nor was I anymore. The world had been messed up, but now it felt right again, and that was because I had him. My cyborg love Javier.
THE END
= Bonus Book 4 of 7 =
Son of an Alien Prince
Lights.
Shining bright lights rose overhead. A wind whirled around and kicked up the dirt from the ground, surrounding the area in a tornado of soil and dead leaves. The brush around the great disc bowed to the mighty wind that swept a young woman up towards the sky.
Melody Harp watched the ground recede. Leaves followed her up into the air and blanketed her body as she rose higher above the ground. She looked down at the swirling leaves. It was hypnotizing to watch them dance, the haze of color resembling a natural mosaic. She couldn’t look away.
