by Sandra Cole
The rest of the humans went for him like a pack of wild animals, pouncing on him, tearing him apart, leaving him ripped to shreds.
I sank to my knees, too stunned to even cry. I thought I’d lost Mike once before and I'd felt so very dismayed that I hadn’t been able to help then. This time he really was gone, and my attempt to save him had backfired dramatically. There was nothing that could be done now, he was gone, his human and metallic parts scattered all around the place, destroyed. He was unfixable, even by Craig’s standards.
He was gone. They’d murdered him. For me it felt like the war was over.
But then I saw the humans jump up in celebration, waving bits of my brother above their heads, acting like he wasn’t one of them, that he didn’t deserve to live. Mike fought everything that stood against him, he almost died, yet he worked to help people live. The sort of thing that would’ve killed most people didn’t affect him. He kept on going regardless.
He deserved to live much more than any of them.
Red rage fell over my eyes, and started pumping through my veins. My body ran on temper, rather than blood. As I forced myself back into a standing position, I no longer felt like Eve. All my morals were gone, all my need for peace. Now I only had one end goal, and I didn’t care how I was going to achieve it. It wouldn’t end like this, I would get the revenge I so desperately needed for Mike.
Everyone had to die.
***
I charged forwards, ripping the knife from my belt that I’d sworn to myself I wouldn’t use. I thought if I came into this battle with the intent to only disarm rather than kill then I would be able to handle it easily. Of course then I wasn’t planning on losing anyone I loved, least of all my brother.
Now I had a blood lust that absolutely needed to be satisfied.
I expected to feel something as I plunged the blade into the neck of the first person I came across – one whom I knew for certain was one of those who'd killed my brother – but I didn’t. No happiness, no sadness, no regret… I was numb all over, which only served to spur me on. Removing the blade from my victim's neck, I slashed, I stabbed, I twisted the knife into more foes, not once feeling anything.
With Mike gone, and really gone this time, I didn’t think I would ever feel anything again. I was senseless with grief and rage. Someone I loved had been killed. Maybe I wanted to die too. Maybe that was what I wanted, someone to put me out of my misery so I didn’t ever have to feel again. I certainly wasn’t fighting smart at any rate. I was berserk, uninterested in self-preservation.
This whole war was fucked up. Every side had been assholes throughout. Really no one deserved to live, and I included myself in that.
Yet when an intense pain radiated through my side, and I collapsed to the ground, my entire mindset changed. I gripped onto my skin where it hurt like hell, feeling a hot, wet sensation oozing out of me. I didn’t need to look to kn0w it was blood, that much was obvious.
“Fuck!” I cried out as the agony and blood loss caused my vision to blur. I had to get back up. I had to keep on fighting. My mission wasn’t complete. I couldn’t guarantee that Mike had been properly avenged.
But I couldn’t fight on. It hurt too much. I gasped loudly, trying to get my breath back to move, but it just wasn’t happening.
Lie back for a moment, I told myself as calmly as I could. Let your body calm down, then you’ll be okay.
But as my head hit the cold, concrete ground I felt my eyes desperately wanting to slide shut. I tried to stop them, but I couldn't. Passing out on the battle field was stupid enough, but allowing it to happen whilst blood was gushing from me was a recipe for imminent death. I knew that, yet I couldn’t stop.
It’ll pass… it has to… I’m going to be okay…
All of a sudden I felt a shadow looming over me, and I managed to prise my eyes open for a second as a life-saving preservation kicked in. I saw a male face, one I recognized, and that caused me to smile.
“Craig,” I murmured happily. “Please... help me…” He was strong, capable, and able to look after me even if I couldn’t do so myself. I was lucky he’d found me before anything serious happened to me.
But as I blinked, his face distorted and he changed into something else. “Javier?” I questioned, wondering if it was the bright daylight streaming into my eyes affecting my vision. “What are you doing here? I thought… you'd been... sidelined.” I was becoming breathless. The dramatic blood loss making it difficult to speak.
And as I opened my eyes once more I realized I’d been wrong the entire time. “Hank?”
Hank was my brother’s friend, his army confidant, the one who’d told me that he’d died. Hank had done his best to help me with my grief, even suggesting I join the fight against the cyborgs to exact my revenge… until I knew differently.
And now he was here, looking at me like that. What did any of it mean?
“What did you do?” he asked me sadly. “You went AWOL, you betrayed your own kind, you left…” Of course I did, but that was only because they wouldn’t let me fight. They'd stuck me on cleaning detail, when I needed to get in to the enemy base to find and kill Craig. I had to get kidnapped because it was the only way I could do anything.
Hank said, “You ruined everything. Now I see you here fighting for the other side.”
Not the other side, I wanted to scream, but I had no energy left. The side that wants peace. I’m on both sides, and also neither. It isn’t as black and white as you think!
“And you bring your brother here looking like a freak,” he spat that word out, sounding as ignorant as the rest of them. “I knew Mike, he would never have wanted that.”
He did, he was happy, you don’t know anything! If you would just give me and the others a chance, you would see a different way of life, I wanted to say. But I had nothing left in my, so my arguments fell off my lips unspoken.
“I’m sorry to do this to you,” he said. He stood up and glanced around. “But if anyone else finds you, what they’ll do is so much worse.” He held out his gun, pointed it towards my head, and looked at me with pure regret. “This isn’t what I want, but it really is the kindest way.”
My whole body froze in terror. I needed to roll away, to move, to kick the gun out of his hand, to do anything to save my own life, but there wasn’t anything left. I was a completely helpless and surely destined to die.
But not like this!
I didn’t want to go at the hands of my brother’s friend, I didn’t want to die without the world seeing what coexistence could be like. But there was no one around to save me.
He aimed and shook his head. His finger pulled back on the trigger and I shut my eyes tightly...
Bang!
And with that a sharp pain exploded in my chest and everything went still, silent, and very black…
***
I stirred, a terrifying dream racing through my mind. I had the horrific sense that I should be absolutely petrified, but I wasn’t sure why. Was there danger over my shoulder? Something looming above me? Why did I feel like I had to look everywhere when I had no idea what I was looking for?
“Eve?” I heard a voice say, one that I wasn’t sure I recognized. “Eve, are you okay?” I tried my best to prise my eyes open, to find out why my stomach felt so hollow, but the room was too bright. The light filtering into my vision was too white.
“What’s going on?” I said. My voice was raspy, as if I was desperately dehydrated. I didn’t feel at all like myself. It was as if something was seriously wrong with me, but I had no idea what.
“Can you hear me? How are you feeling?” said the voice.
I couldn’t respond, so I simply nodded instead, slowly and painfully.
The voice said, “You’re in hospital, so I need to know how you are. You’re stats look good, but I need to know how your body feels.”
Hospital? What the hell was I in hospital for…? Then a lot of memories hit me: the war, the fight, the battle… Mike.
I s
napped my eyes open, tears filling them right away. I saw my brother die, I was partly to blame. Sure maybe those guys would’ve killed him anyway, but I felt it was my fault. They'd torn him to shreds while calling him a freak, and I fired everything up.
“What’s happening?” I sobbed. “Why am I here?” Wait! I was shot! Hank killed me. I could remember that now, so how was I still here? “I’m dead, aren’t I dead?”
I turned to see a nurse who looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. Her blue eyes were wide and shocked. It seemed like she had something to tell me but she didn’t know how. As she glanced to the side, I followed her eye line to find myself staring at Craig. She then left, leaving me and Craig together.
“What’s happening?” I said. “Please, tell me everything.” Craig stepped to one side revealing that Javier was there too. The sight of him made me heart lift. He was the one who made everything feel little bit better. “Javier, you’re here.”
He sat by my side and held onto my hand, reminding me that I wasn’t alone, but it was Craig who did all the talking.
“We won,” he said. “The fighting went on for a very long time, and we lost lots of people, including – unfortunately – your brother.”
“Mike, he was killed. I saw it,” I sobbed pathetically. “It was horrible. They all called him a freak. I didn’t mean to… to shoot. I just needed it to stop.”
“That must have been unbearable,” said Craig. He shook his head sadly. “I heard Mike put himself out there to save you.”
Urgh, that horrible emptied out sensation filled me once more. Good might’ve come from it all, but my brother was still gone.
“So, after days of fighting every side was exhausted, and we met to come to an agreement. It’s tentative at the moment, but it’s working well.”
“So you’re in charge?” I asked Craig, hoping that he was. The world needed a good person in charge.
“For now, but a better system will be put in place eventually.”
“Right,” I said. My head sank lower into the pillow. I never wanted to get out of the bed. I didn’t want to face the new world. “Okay. Sorry I couldn’t fight much.”
“You did what you could,” Javier told me, much too kindly. “I heard you were a real hero.” I snorted at that remark, not even feeling dignified enough to give it a response. “And you were almost killed.”
“I was killed,” I argued pettily. “I was stabbed in the side, blood was pouring from me.” I touched the area where I was harmed, expecting a scar, but instead my skin just felt… different. “Then I was shot in the chest. I felt my heart stop. I shouldn’t still be here now.” My tone was angry. I was pushing away the only people who cared enough to stick around, but I couldn’t help it. I needed to take all of these feelings out on someone.
“Your heart almost stopped,” Craig corrected me. “But it was still strong enough for us to save you. You were one of the lucky ones.”
I didn’t bother to tell him that I didn’t feel lucky. That would’ve made me sound terribly ungrateful. But I just didn’t know how they expected me to be happy anymore.
“You were operated on,” Javier told me gently. There was something to his tone that had my ears pricking up. I felt like he knew something I didn’t, and I wanted that information. “They had to use some controversial treatments to save you.”
I stared into his eyes, searching for the truth, and there it was staring back at me. But I didn’t feel fully ready to accept it just yet, not until I knew the full truth. “What… what do you mean?” I asked him fearfully, my whole body freezing up while I awaited the dreaded answer.
“They had to… weave some cybernetic parts into you to keep you alive.” said Craig. Javier flinched and turned away. Craig wasn’t looking at me either.
“I’m… I’m…” I couldn’t even stand to say the words, I’d become the very thing that had gotten my brother killed.
Freak… freak… freak…Then I realized that there was no way I was going to be accepted by humans again, even if Craig ever realized his Utopian dream.
“Yes,” Craig confirmed, shattering my heart. “You have cyborg parts woven into you, it was all we could do, but you don’t look anything like Mike. He was the first one. Our technology has progressed since then. You can barely tell anymore.”
He stared at me, but I wasn’t giving him anything. Let him suffer! He'd made the choice to turn me into a cyborg without my consent.
“What did you want me to do?” said Craig.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to keep myself from being overwhelmed with despair.
“You should have let me die," I said. "That would’ve been better than this.”
***
“Is there anything I can do?” Javier asked me. His tone was somewhat fearful, which was understandable considering my mood.
Ever since I’d come home to my new house I’d been feeling dreadful. I hated everything about my new cybernetic body, and since I blamed the world for that, Javier was receiving the brunt of it all.
“Just leave me alone,” I snapped angrily. “I'll used to this on my own!”
There was so much to get acquainted with, especially considering my condition. I’d now been made more cyborg than human. I had to charge my batteries every single night by flicking a single switch. Every time I’d assumed a cyborg was sleeping, he was actually recharging.
Then there was the need to oil myself if my joints got stiff. It was all so weird, so inhuman. I now saw other cyborgs as human beings with consciousness. But I had a hard time seeing myself in the same way.
No one could tell that I was cyborg, Craig had been honest with me on that front. I didn’t have the same metallic tendrils that Mike had suffered with. My cybernetic parts were all very discrete. Only the people that knew about me could tell I was a cyborg, but still I felt like everyone was staring at me, whispering.
Craig had asked me to work with him, to help him organize the new world into a position where it could run itself. But I just couldn’t do that. I didn’t want to put myself in any position where I could be seen. I just wanted to blend into the background as much as possible.
To be honest, I thought I would’ve been better off dead. I thought they should have just left me to die.
“I have to go to work today,” Javier said, his heartbreak at my sadness written all over his face. We’d decided to start again as a couple after the war, but it wasn’t working at all. I just couldn’t make myself feel anything but sadness and bitterness. Without Mike in the world, nothing felt right.
If I thought I was miserable before when I thought Mike was dead, I was wrong. This was sadness like I’d never experienced before. It was hollow and deep, right down to my core, swirling around inside of me, icing up my organs, shutting down every other emotion…
“I know. Have fun at work,” I replied. "See you later."
I tried to sound kinder, but my voice continued to come out snippy instead.
Javier had dived right into life now. He worked in a factory, helping to rebuild just like everyone else was, and he seemed positive about the future. We couldn’t have been in more different places.
“Right, I’ll see you later on,” Javier said.
He walked slowly towards the door, keeping his eyes fixed upon me the whole time, before spinning around and clicking the door behind him. Once he was gone, I gave into the emotions consuming me inside, and I collapsed into helpless, pathetic sobs.
This life wasn’t for me. I shouldn’t be living it. I needed to get away. I didn’t act on that thought for a while, I simply lay in a pathetic heap on the floor allowing the emotion to drain what little energy I had left. The depth of my heartbreak bulldozed through my body.
Once tiredness started to creep in, and the intense sadness became a numbness instead, I forced myself to move. I couldn’t be with Javier like this, he didn’t deserve it. He was an awesome person who deserved so much more than me. I’d been nothing but awful to him despite his love
for me, and it was time to walk away, to let him move on.
Sure, I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but that was selfish of me. He could do better than miserable, broken me, and it was time to let him.
I'd made him put up with too much as it was. I’d pushed him away when I didn’t think a human could be with a cyborg, I’d shut down from him when I panicked in battle – turning to Craig instead. And now I was being a total bitch to him for something he hadn’t even done. Maybe he was involved in making the decision to change my body, but he thought he was doing what I wanted. The fact that I didn’t was my problem only.
I grabbed my things morosely and threw them into a bag, not even sure why I was bothering. Did I really need everything with me when I had no aim, no place to go? But I continued packing anyway.
Once I was done I considered writing a note to say goodbye before realizing that would be cowardly. If I was going to put this behind me then I needed to do it in the right way. Scared as I was, Javier needed the chance to say what he needed to say to get his closure.
For everything he’d done for me, including saving my life on more than one occasion, he deserved that much.
I sat at the table, tapping on it, noticing a slightly metallic sound as I did, just waiting for him to come back to me. I hated to say goodbye to the relationship that I’d spent so long wanting, but I wasn’t good for anyone. Maybe if I sorted my head out I could be, but I could never achieve that while I was here. I needed space to work out who I was, what I wanted from life, how I could make that work.
I needed to find myself, the person I’d never known. I’d spent so much of my life hurting over Mike's absence that I’d never developed any sense of self. That hadn’t ever been a problem before, but now it really was. If I was going to make a go of life, then I needed to work out who I really was. Javier deserved it, I deserved it. I owed it to Mike too. He’d fought for who he was, and defended his right to life. He'd defended me to the death, too.
