Before I can think of a response he’s closed the gap of space between us and his lips are pressed to my forehead. Anything I might have come up with to say goes out the window. All I can feel is the warmth of his lips on my skin. Why is it that every time he gets close to me I can’t seem to think straight?
It’s like there are a bunch of mice running around inside of my tummy and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get them to stop.
“See ya in a few hours, princess.” He says as he backs away. It’s only when he turns away from me and makes his way back down the hall that the scurrying feeling in my stomach stops and I feel okay again.
Now I just need to figure out how I’m gonna make all this work. After what just happened, there’s no way I’m missing out on seeing him tonight. In fact it’s pretty much all I want to do now that he’s brought it up. There’s one way I can do it, but it means doing something I’m not exactly looking forward to.
Telling my mom everything.
Kayden
As I make my way into the locker room to suit up for practice, I feel like I’m on cloud nine. There isn’t anything that can get to me now, not even the eyes I’m getting from Dillon the minute I open the locker door. I’m so damn happy that I’m pretty sure I’m wearing the world’s goofiest damn smile, but I honestly couldn’t care less.
She said yes.
With everything I learned today and what I already knew, but wasn’t ready to admit to, I knew what I had to do next. I care about her and now I know she feels the same way. Sure, Ms. T warned me that she might not understand what she’s feeling because it’s another one of her weaknesses, but she still felt it and that’s all I need to know.
I can get there with everything else. I’ve got all the time in the world, especially with her.
It’s kind of crazy because with anyone else I would have never acted like this. Understanding is just not something I do. Of course with everyone else, they lay their shit out easily so there’s no confusion about how they feel about me. With Isabelle though, I want to take everything slow and do it right because she deserves that.
“Someone’s happy.”
“Yeah, I am.” I shoot back. As much as I can’t stand the sound of his voice, I’m not going to sit here and pretend I don’t hear him. “What’s it to you?”
“Chill man, I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It’s nice.”
Is he serious? Since when is me being happy nice for him?
“Yeah, it’s pretty damn nice.”
“Is it ‘cause of Belle?”
He has no right to ask me that, or even say her name, especially the way he is. I’m trying to stay chill about everything, but the way he says it gets under my skin. It took me weeks to say her name that way and for her to be okay with it, there is no way he should get to so easily.
“Actually, it’s Isabelle and yeah, it’s because of her. Not that it’s any of your business.”
“So that means she didn’t talk to you then?”
“She talked to me.”
It’s true. She told me earlier what she thinks, but I’m not buying into it and a few words in the locker room isn’t gonna change it. He might make you believe that he’s different and can be a good person, but he will never change. He’s too damn good at being who he is.
I should know. I trained him to be that way.
“Then she told you that I’m sorry right? That I miss hanging out with you?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“So can we get past this? It really is bullshit, K.”
It might be bullshit for him, but it would never be that way to me. The way things used to be doesn’t work for me now, which means I don’t think I can ever be friends with him again.
“What you did is bullshit. The way you put Amy and the other bitches on her is bullshit, but the way I’m reacting isn’t.”
“What else can I say to you? I went to her, told her I was sorry and exactly why I was sorry. What else do you want?”
“This conversation to end.”
I know I’m being a total douche to him, but he more than earned it. I’m here to play ball, that’s it. I don’t want to sit here with Dillon and hash out everything that’s happened or why I’m not cool with it anymore. I just want him to shut the hell up so I can finish getting ready and get the hell out on the field.
“If the girl I hurt can forgive me for what happened, why can’t you?”
He doesn’t say another word after that and with the sound of the door banging shut; I know he’s not even sticking around to hear the answer. As much as I don’t want him getting to me, I can’t help it. I know the answer to the question, but I’m not exactly in the mood to admit it out loud.
I can’t forgive Dillon the way he claims Isabelle has for a couple of reasons. One, I know who he really is and I know he’s not trying to be a better guy. He’s just trying to play a part. He’s one of the best actors I know. The second reason though, that’s the one that’s hard to live with.
The real reason I can’t forgive Dillon, is if I forgive him then I have to at some point forgive myself for putting all of this in motion to begin with. I might not have been the one to pick her out in the beginning, but I didn’t do a damn thing to stop it once it started.
Isabelle might have forgiven us both for the horrible things we’ve done and that’s really great, but he doesn’t deserve it and deep down, I don’t think I do either.
Chapter Sixteen
Belle
“Belle honey, you’ve barely touched your dinner. Does the girl's being back at school have something to do with it?”
I’ve been doing this since she got home and I should’ve known that she was going to notice eventually. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to talk to her about everything I’ve been going through, but every single time I feel like I’m getting close to doing it, I find a reason to stop.
As much as I say that I’m gonna be okay with however she reacts to everything I tell her, I’m not. If she tells me that I need to stay away from Kayden, especially with everything he’s done for me the past couple of weeks, I think I might die inside. She knows Kayden, so she probably won’t say that, but it’s been a really long time since he spent any time with our family.
“No, Mom.”
“Well then what’s on your mind, and don’t tell me it’s nothing.”
Now’s my chance to open up, but with Tristan sitting across the table from me, his eyes darting back and forth between us, it’s not like I’m dying to open up.
“I can’t talk about it right now.”
I raise my eyes in my brother’s direction and she seems to take the hint easily.
“Tristan honey, you’ve been done your dinner for fifteen minutes now. Why aren’t you asking to be excused?”
“Because I got something I wanna show Isabelle.”
“If I promise to send her up to your room the minute we’re done, will you give your sister and me some privacy?”
My mom’s real big on giving us choices. At any point he can tell her no and she’ll just postpone our conversation until he’s out of ear shot. It’s the way it’s always been here. Even with everything she’s been through with me, she still gives me a choice, even when it’s something small and basic like the one she’s giving Tristan now.
“I guess, but you better make sure she comes up because it’s super important.”
He excuses himself from the table as she laughs and again it feels like there’s a spotlight being flashed on me. We’re alone, so there’s nothing stopping me. I still don’t know how I feel about it though.
“The last couple of weeks, there’s something different about you. I know you think I’m too busy to notice it, but I’m not. Is that what this is about?”
I nod slowly and she smiles, but it’s weak because it doesn’t even reach her eyes. She’s not sure if the difference in me is a good or bad thing.
“Well you know I’m here to listen, even if you think i
t’s something I won’t like hearing.”
Crap. She’s making it even harder now. I think I want her to be one of those moms that are too busy to hear what their kids have to say just so I don’t have to say the words. She’s not though and if I want to meet Kayden in an hour, I need to do this now.
“How do you know when you like someone?”
She leans back in the chair and I start wondering if this was the right question to start with. It’s what I want to know most, but now she’s gonna know I like someone and it will change the entire way this conversation goes.
“Well baby, I don’t know how it feels for you, but I remember what it was like for me. Is that what you want me to explain?”
I nod again and wasting no time she picks right up where she left off.
“Well it might sound a little cliché, but when you first notice someone you like, you get butterflies swimming around in your stomach, you sweat a whole lot and sometimes, it might even be hard to breathe.”
The way she’s describing it is like she’s pulling everything I’ve been feeling right from my head. I’ve had all of that and more with Kayden, so it’s pretty obvious I have my answer.
“The more you’re around them, you might notice your heart racing, but considering yours does that in other instances as well, you might not catch on to it right away. When you’re not with them, it will feel like a part of you is missing. Does any of this sound familiar to you?”
I nod. I want to admit to it all out loud, but everything she’s saying is so familiar that it’s making me speechless.
“Oh Isabelle,” she sighs though she’s smiling again and this time it’s actually reaching her eyes. “Who is the lucky boy?”
This is where things are about to get awkward, well more awkward anyway. It’s the point where the fear from earlier comes back and I’m not sure I want to tell her. I don’t want her to think it’s wrong or tell me that I shouldn’t feel that way for Kayden, considering the way he was before.
“It’s Eric, isn’t it? I always did think that boy liked you a little more then he let on.”
I want to laugh so bad right now.
“No it’s not Eric. Mom…”
I’m gonna tell her. I have to tell her and hope it turns out alright.
“Isabelle, this is such a big moment for you. I know that I seem a little over eager, but it’s only because I wasn’t sure this moment would ever happen. I want to hear everything.”
“It’s Kayden.”
There. It’s out now and while I sit there in complete silence, waiting for her expression to change, holding my breath, the strangest thing happens.
She laughs.
“I always figured it would be.”
What does that mean? How could she know that I would fall for Kayden Walker when I wasn’t even sure myself until about five minutes ago?
“You were expecting me to react differently?” she asks and I nod in response. I expected her to do anything but what she actually did. She’s never been much of a yeller, but that was more expected then her laughter.
“Yeah, I guess I was.”
“Well, let me explain. From the time that boy was about three, I noticed something different about him. When he would spend time here, I would watch the way he was with you. This was before everything happened of course. Anytime you got upset, he was always jumping to his feet to help you. He always had a smile for you and when he looked at you—”
She cuts off and there’s this second where I want to scream at her, dying for her to finish what she was gonna say, but I don’t do it. I don’t remember Kayden ever being like that, so what she’s saying now is like music to my ears. It’s like the Kayden she remembers and the one that I know now are the same.
“How did he look at me, Mom?”
“His eyes were always so—tender. I think that’s the word. That boy lived for your smile. He even went out of his way quite a lot to make it happen. I guess that’s why I’m not surprised. With the way he was with you then, even if he has changed over the years, it makes sense that it’s him now.”
I have no idea what to say. I don’t remember any of it and I have the best memory of anyone I’ve ever met. For the first time since I got home today, I’m happy. Bringing this to my mom had been the right thing after all.
“But what if he doesn’t feel the same or I’m too weird for him?”
“We’re all a little weird, Isabelle. It’s our differences that make us unique and you shouldn’t let anyone, even a boy you might like, tell you anything different.”
This isn’t the first time she’s said something like this to me. In fact, this is one of her go to speeches when I get bullied. I’m not entirely sure I believe in it, but I do know she wouldn’t say it to me if she didn’t believe it.
“I’m not sure what to tell you about him feeling the same because I can’t speak for him, but from someone that gets the pleasure of living with you each and every day, I can tell you that he would be stupid not to.”
“You’re required to say that.”
“That may be so, but I mean every word of it. You have come such a long way, especially these last few years. You’re at an age now where everything you’re experiencing is normal and whoever is lucky enough to earn your trust and affection better know what a gem they have.”
“You know the only thing missing from that is a shotgun and shovel right?” I ask and she laughs.
“Someone’s been spending too much time watching movies.”
I just shrug in response and again, she laughs. It reminds me how lucky I am to have her. Not everyone can have a mom like her. It also reminds me of Kayden. He doesn’t have this kind of thing at home. It makes me sad thinking about it because that’s the one thing I want for him. I want him to know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally, just the way I am.
“I get the feeling that there’s more that you still need to tell me. Am I wrong?”
“No, you’re not wrong.”
“Well then what are you waiting for? Spill it young lady!”
“Is it alright if I go out later?” I ask knowing it’s a long shot, but hoping that her response to Kayden might change her mind.
“Define going out.”
“Kayden said he wants to stop by and talk to me after practice. I said it was okay, but I wasn’t sure if you would be okay with him being here. I just wanna meet him out front.”
“So you just want to sit out front with him?”
I nod and again she’s flashing her mega-watt smile at me. Maybe she’s not going to freak out after all.
Going out is a topic that hasn’t really come up before, but with how protective she can be over me, I know it’s one she’s concerned about. The closer I stay to home, the easier it is to protect me and up until Kayden asked to meet me earlier today, I agreed with her.
“That’s fine, Isabelle, but promise me something?”
“Okay.”
“If it gets too cold out there, promise me you will come inside. Kayden was welcome here years ago and he’s welcome now.”
I’ve lived with this woman for almost eighteen years and somehow she still has the ability to surprise me. If I can turn out to be half the person that my mom is, I’ll be the luckiest person alive. I think I already am.
There’s still one more thing we need to talk about, but this time, it’s nothing I need to be worried about. This is something that’s been a long time coming.
“Mom, there’s actually one more thing I need to talk to you about.”
“What is it honey?”
“When you get the chance do you think you can make an appointment with Dr. Stevens?”
“Of course I can. Any particular reason why?”
The way she asks this, her tone drenched in concern makes me want to explain everything in detail, so she knows she has nothing to worry about, but I don’t do that. Instead I go with the vaguest answer I can think of, but one I know she won’t question, at least not right away.
“I need his help fixing something.”
Kayden
My body is killing me and I definitely need a shower, but instead of sticking around once practice is over, I do the complete opposite and book it out of there as fast as I can.
The one rule Coach has, both for practice and games, is that we always keep our head in the game, but tonight, out there on the field, that’s the last place my mind was. I did everything I was told and I think I played my ass off, but my head and heart were definitely not in it.
I left both of them with the girl that I’m now about to go see. The girl that the minute I see her, I’m going to pull as close as possible to me and ask to be my girlfriend.
As I throw my stuff into the backseat, I pull my phone out of my back pocket and slide behind the wheel. There are two missed notifications and without even looking, I hope they’re from her.
Scrolling through my phone until I get to the messages screen, I see that both are from Dean. Against my better judgment I read them and just like every other time I have any contact with him, I feel sick.
Where the hell are you?
Kayden, answer the damn phone. I need you to go to the liquor store. We’re all out.
It’s times like this that remind me of who I really am and why I’m not the guy for her. That despite all the changes I’ve been trying to make for me and for her, I’m still a stupid idiot underneath.
Dean asking me to drive and get him booze happens a lot more then I want to admit. He’s always too drunk to go himself and honestly, I’m happy he’s at least that smart. It’s so often that I do this that the guy at the liquor store doesn’t even card me anymore. I had that covered pretty well with my fake ID though. It never used to bother me because I used to drink with him half the time. It was a win-win situation for both of us.
At least it was until her.
Now, seeing these messages makes me sick. He damn well knows I have practice after school though with the haze he’s always in, I shouldn’t be too surprised that he didn’t remember. I just know that if I don’t make an appearance soon, at least in text, he’s going to lose it even worse when I do walk through the door.
Count On Me Page 14
