I haven’t gotten drunk in over two weeks. It doesn’t hold any appeal. Life with Dean makes me want to drink sometimes, but I don’t do it. I want to be better than that. If I keep doing what I’ve been doing, I’m only going to turn out exactly like the very guy texting me now and I want better than that. I always have. It’s just recently that I’m seeing it.
It’s because of her.
Calm urself man. I just got out of practice.
That’s going to have to be a good enough answer because I have somewhere I need to be and it’s definitely not filling a cart with liquor. This outweighs all of that and not even my brother is going to take me away from it. I bailed on her once. I won’t do it again.
I wait a few minutes for him to respond, but when nothing comes, I pull up Isabelle’s messages from earlier and type one out quickly. I could just show up at her door, but I get the feeling she might not appreciate that too much. She doesn’t seem the type and I want to do this right.
Just got out. Omw. <3
Why the hell I put the heart at the end of the message is a mystery, but I can’t take it back and even if I could, I don’t think I want to. It’s strange staring at it because it’s actually the first time I can remember doing it. I’m pretty sure half the girls I dated would have killed for something like this from me, but I’ve never had it in me.
I’m definitely not that guy. At least I wasn’t, until now.
It’s only when I get her response back a few seconds later that I’m even happier then I was when she agreed to see me at all.
See you soon. <3
I’m not sure what’s gotten into me, but I can’t stop staring at the message and the emoticons at the end. I’ve seen her do the happy face before, it’s actually one of the things I really enjoy when we’re texting, but the heart, something new stirs inside of me. I can’t let her message sit there like that, I have to say more. I know for a fact that I’ll put the key in the ignition, start the car and drive to her, but not until I do one more thing first.
Not soon enough. I miss you.
Going through the motions, I toss my phone on the seat and focus on the road ahead of me. The road that will take me to the one place in the world, in this exact second, I want to be more than anything.
With her.
Belle
I hear his car before I see it, but before I can head for the door, I hear my mom call from behind me.
“Take this out to him. If he’s been at practice all night then it’s a sure bet the boy didn’t eat.”
I’m pretty sure there’s more that she wants to say, but she doesn’t. I know she’s aware of the way Kayden lives. She just hasn’t gotten to see it firsthand like I have. I know she’s passing me the slices of pizza because she knows that otherwise he won’t eat at all.
“Thanks Mom.” I answer as I take the plate from her, pressing my body to hers in a weak hug. I mean it though, I’m so thankful that she just gets it and she’s okay with it.
“Remember what I said!” She calls as I turn and start walking toward the front door. “If it gets chilly, come in.”
“I will!”
As the door shuts behind me, I start making my way across the lawn. Even in the dark I can see him behind the wheel; at least I can until he turns the car off and the entire area is blanketed in darkness. I’m not sure, but I swear I saw him smiling before everything went dark and just like my mom explained; it makes my heart do the butterfly thing.
“Hey.” He says when he reaches me. “Is that for me?”
He’s pointing to the plate in my hands and I push it toward him. Once he takes it and my hands are free, I pull out my phone and text him.
My mom figured you’d be hungry after practice.
“She was right.” He says in between bites, my eyes locked on his mouth as he seems to inhale the first slice. The way he’s eating reminds me of Tristan on pizza nights. It’s identical. It must be a guy thing.
When the first slice is completely done, he wipes at the corners of his mouth with his hands and I can’t help staring at him. I’ve never done anything like this before, but there’s something about what he’s doing that draws me in and I can’t look away.
“Tell your mom I said thank you for the pizza.” He says and I focus again.
Okay.
We’re silent for a few minutes after he gets the text and I’m not sure what to do. He’s the one that said he wanted to talk to me and now that he’s here, I expected him to get right to it, but he’s doing the complete opposite.
You said you wanted to talk to me?
“Yeah I did. I’m just nervous about it.”
I’ve known Kayden a long time and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him nervous about anything. He’s actually one of the only people I know that never shows it. He’s always so confident. If he’s nervous about something now, maybe I need to be worried. It’s not like he said what he wanted to talk to me about was good. I just assumed.
Did you talk to Dillon? Is that what this is about?
I don’t ask what I really wanna know because I choke up just thinking about it. If he talked to Dillon and everything is good between them again, is he here now to tell me that he doesn’t want to hang out anymore? I don’t want to think like that, especially after he said he missed me and sent me a heart, but I don’t exactly know how guys act when they do things like this.
“Trust me Belle. This has nothing to do with Dillon.”
Okay then. Well, what’s up?
I’m actually trying my hardest to act like none of this is bothering me, but it is. I’m not used to him like this. If this has nothing to do with Dillon, I have no clue what it could be.
“Shit. Okay. I’m just gonna come right out and say it.”
I start to type, but stop the minute I feel his hand rest on top of mine. Looking up and catching the intense look in his eyes, I hold my breath and wait for whatever’s about to come next.
“I like you, Isabelle.”
Why is he telling me this? I already know that he likes me, considering he told me earlier that we were friends. All of this is just becoming more confusing by the second.
“Shit, that didn’t come out right did it? Of course it didn’t, because I never say anything right and damnit, I really wanna get this right!”
He takes his hand off mine and covers his face with it and I wonder what’s so hard about what he’s trying to say that’s making him act this way.
Just say what you feel.
I wait for him to get the message, thinking that when he sees it, things will be easier for him. It’s not though, as the only sound around us now is the breeze passing by. We’re stuck again.
“What do you feel, Isabelle?”
That’s a hard question for me. For a long time, I didn’t feel much at all. At least I don’t think I ever felt anything before. I always just felt numb. It’s only in the last year or so where I’ve actually started feelings things, but usually it’s for other people and has nothing to do with me.
If it will help him open up and tell me what he wants to talk about though, I’m willing to do anything. I have to stop being so afraid some time and there’s no better time than now. So, that’s exactly what I do. I open up the text message and start typing, not stopping until it’s all out there. I hit send before I can think it through and wait for him to get it.
It’s scary waiting for the familiar tone because I’ve just spilled everything out. I haven’t even admitted it to myself, but this isn’t just some random person I’m telling it to. This is Kayden. He’s the first boy I ever cared about.
The first boy I ever loved.
For a long time I hated you, but not because of the names you called me. I hated you because when you left that day almost eight years ago and never came back, you broke my heart. You were my only friend and I wasn’t enough for you. I don’t remember feeling anything after that, not until two weeks ago. Since then I’ve been feeling a lot of different things and they scar
e me, but I know what it all means now.
“What d—does it mean?” he stammers as he takes in everything I’ve written.
It means I like you, Kayden. I like you a lot.
Kayden
I’m one of the most confident SOB’s alive.
When I’m on the field, I own it. I make it my own and nothing can stop me. I’m in a zone like no other and I am the best at what I do. When I’m with Dillon and the others, he might think he runs the show, but everyone knows that I do, or at least I did before Isabelle came back into my life. I can talk myself easily out of any situation I find myself in, especially with adults.
I have never had a moment of self doubt. At least I didn’t until that day in my car when she told me that if I wanted to be different then to be different. Everything changed that day. I doubt myself a lot more and right now, the way I’m acting proves it.
Telling her I like her isn’t enough because I don’t just like her. I’m in love with this girl, but I know I can’t tell her that. It’s too soon and I don’t want to scare her away. I’ve only loved one person before, so it’s all I have to base this on and that person lost the right to have my love a long time ago. Isabelle is different. She doesn’t have to earn it; I freely want to give it to her.
I want to give her all of me even if she deserves so much better.
What she texted me, I don’t know how to respond. I had no idea that she felt that way when we stopped hanging out back then, but considering everything that’s happened since, I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet that even if I did know, I wouldn’t have cared. I really wasn’t lying when I said I was a first class asshole.
Things are different now. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I want to be the one that I always ripped on other people for being. I want to be the one that loves, protects, adores and cherishes. I want to be a Valentine’s Day card brought to life, even if I suck at it. I want to do that and more, but not for just anyone.
Only for Isabelle.
It means that I like you, Kayden. I like you a lot.
It was supposed to be me making the night perfect and with a couple of words, she’s taken it from me. When I asked her what she felt, she didn’t hesitate telling me and it’s about damn time I do the same for her. Whatever nervousness I feel about the way this might go is gone now. She’s taken that away too.
“I like you too, Isabelle and it’s more than just a lot.”
What does that mean?
“It means that I lied to you at lunch. You’re more than just a friend to me. I think you always have been, if that makes sense. I just know that what I feel for you, it’s something I’ve never felt before and I’m so damn scared I’m gonna screw it up. I really, really, really don’t wanna screw it up.”
You like me?
This girl I swear. Normally if someone acted like this around me, I would just get up and walk away, but with her I’m completely frozen in place. Even if I wanted to get up, I can’t. She consumes me so completely. It’s her lack of understanding and her childlike innocence that I love most about her. She’s unlike anyone I’ve ever known.
I more than like you.
Before she can respond I type out another one and hit send, knowing how cheesy it’s going to sound, but no longer caring. I’m willing to be the king of cheese, whipped or whatever else, as long as it’s with her.
Will you be my girlfriend?
Two things happen the minute she sees the text and I’m not sure which one affects me more. First I see the tear as it slides down from her eye, followed up by another one, but before I can reach out and wipe them away what she does next stops me in my tracks.
Her lips curve up and for the first time since I’ve known her, or at least of what I can remember of my time with her, she does it.
She smiles.
Chapter Seventeen
Belle
Contrary to what people think, I can remember smiling before. It’s not like I’ve never done it or something. It’s just been a really long time since it’s happened. The only time I’ve ever really smiled in the last couple of years has been because of Tristan. It’s true what they tell you about little kids. It’s hard not to smile around them and my little brother is no different. He can get to me in a way that the rest of the world can’t, at least until the exact second I read the text from Kayden.
Something shifted when he asked me to be his girlfriend. For the first time in so long, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I didn’t need a little kid to get me there. This time it’s all on him.
I’m not sure the best thing to say to a guy you like is how much you hated him, but this is the way I am. I tell the truth always, even when it might hurt and with Kayden especially, he deserves it. I guess in a way, my mom was right, because when I told him everything a few minutes ago, I knew my worth. No matter how he took it, at least I know I was completely honest and left nothing a secret.
I wasn’t intending to cry. Normally when that happens, there’s this buildup and I can feel it happening before the tears actually fall. This time, they escaped before I even realized what was happening and I didn’t want to stop them. These weren’t because of someone intentionally trying to hurt me. They were because of the overwhelming happiness I feel inside.
“Isabelle…”
That’s something different too or at least something I never paid much attention to before. The way it feels when he says my name. My mind is always running. There is always something going on inside and most of the time, whatever it is, it’s so strong that I can barely register much else. When he says my name though, especially this time, everything seems to just go still and for once, it’s quiet and he’s the only sound I hear.
The reaction I’m having is part of the reason I asked my mom to make the appointment for me earlier. If it feels this way for me, I wonder if it will feel the same way for him when I finally do speak. I know I’ve done it a few times over the last couple of weeks, but it’s never been because of something this good. I forced out his name the day he saved me from Dillon and I yelled at him the day he picked on Eric. When I want to speak most though, in moments like this, it won’t come and it just makes me want to fix this even more.
He should know how he makes me feel and it shouldn’t come in a text. I want to be able to tell him aloud how just one simple question made me lose my breath, brought butterflies floating up until I can almost feel the fluttering head to toe. He should know that my brain feels fuzzy and my entire body is warm, because he’s the one that caused it.
“I dreamt about this.”
He what?
“Yeah, I know. It’s weird.”
The last thing that comes to mind when I think about Kayden is that anything about him is weird. I might not understand what he means by what he’s saying, but it’s definitely not weird. I know what weird is because I live it every single day.
It’s not weird. I just don’t understand what you mean.
“You know how shit is with Dean—well, there was this one night, I don’t remember when, but he was going off on me like usual and all I could think about was you smiling at me.”
Usually when people think of me, it’s a pity thing or in a bad way. Hearing Kayden now, his reaction completely different than any I’ve ever experienced, I don’t know what to say. It’s made worse by what happened to make him think of me.
He’s right. I do know what his life is like with Dean. I know a lot about it. I just wish I didn’t. Even when we weren’t speaking to each other, I hated the way his life was and hearing about it now makes me hate it even more. No matter what kind of person he is, he doesn’t deserve what Dean puts him through.
“I said something wrong didn’t I?”
No. You said everything right.
“Then why do you look so sad?”
Dean.
It’s silent for a few seconds after he gets the text and I wonder if we’re about to go back to the way we were before. It’s only when he turns his body
toward me, pulling me to him that I know I’ve got nothing to be scared of.
“I don’t want you to worry about him okay? I know what happened the other day scared you, but I swear to you, I can handle it and I’m fine.”
I try my hardest to focus on his words and believe in them, but with the way his hand is running up and down my back it’s hard to think of anything but the way he moves. His hands aren’t even on my skin, but with every movement, he’s making me feel like I’m on fire, like he’s burning me.
Yes.
It’s the only thing left to say now, at least for me. He asked me a question and I got so caught up in the feelings that I didn’t answer it. I just hope he knows what I’m trying to say as he reads it.
“Yes? Are you saying—is this about us or what I said about Dean?”
It happens again and this time it doesn’t just affect my lips, but my entire face. I can feel my cheekbones rise and my eyes crunch in. This smile is definitely different than before, but because of the way I’m positioned in his chest, he can’t see it.
Ask me again and find out.
He laughs, not as loud as times before, but he does exactly what my text says just the way I hoped he would.
“Isabelle, will you be my girlfriend?”
I already have the ‘yes’ text from before copied and pasted back into the texting box so before he gets the words out, I send it and as the ringtone goes off, I smile again. Before I can stop though, he catches it.
“How many times have you done it now?”
I feel the heat rise in my cheeks and I try to bury my face in his chest. Not letting me hide from him, he leans down and uses his hand to bring my face up until I’m looking only look at him.
“Tell me.”
Holding up my hand, I lift three fingers, bringing the other two down and smile again. Taking his hand and pressing it to mine he pulls the fourth finger up and meets my smile with one of his own.
“I’m just gonna pull the last finger up too, okay? Because you’re totally gonna do it again.”
Count On Me Page 15
