Critical Failures VI (Caverns and Creatures Book 6)

by Robert Bevan

  “And you might have warned me that we were ten feet off the fucking ground, asshole. It's the least you could've done after I just saved your life.”

  “You put my life in danger in the first place! Now the island's gone, and we're separated from everyone else. They're going to die with no water, and we'll probably get eaten by dire iguanas or some shit.”

  Cooper looked up. “Where'd the island go?”

  “How the fuck should I know? It blinks from place to place. Sometimes it only stays for a few minutes, other times it hangs around for hours.”

  “Awesome,” said Cooper, obviously disinterested. “Here, give me that decanter. I want to wash this tomato shit off me.”

  Chaz was getting sick and tired of being ignored. Now he spotted a bit of leverage, a means to finally get through this asshole's thick skull. He hugged the Decanter of Endless Water close to his chest.

  “No,” he said. “You nearly killed me with this. I think I should hold onto it for a while. I'll give it back when I feel you're mature enough to handle the responsibility.”

  Cooper looked at him in a way that made him suddenly realize that there was more than one factor determining which of them was in a better position of leverage. When he pounced, Chaz immediately dropped the decanter. But Cooper ignored the decanter and tackled him, pinning him to the ground.

  “Is this mature enough for you?” said Cooper, rubbing his balls on Chaz's face. “It feels pretty fucking mature to me. How about this.” A fart rumbled out of Cooper's ass like it was coming from stadium speakers. A searing wind washed over Chaz's face, hotter than anything the desert could hope to produce. It was like a portal to hell, only wetter, smelling of cabbage and sulfur.

  “Thank you, Cooper,” said Cooper, wagging his ass back and forth so that his balls slapped Chaz's face like a dank hairy pendulum. “Thank you for jumping out of that goddamn cage to save my worthless life.”

  “Thank you!” cried Chaz. “Thank you! Oh God, thank you!”

  A loud squawk sent Cooper flying off of Chaz. They both looked up at the deflated tomato. The hole where Cooper had exited looked like an open mouth. Tendrils of tomato guts hung from it like someone kneeling over the toilet at the end of a party. Julian's bird was perched on the stem, staring down at them in a way that Chaz couldn't help but feel was judgmental.

  “Are you two quite all right?”

  “What did he say?” asked Cooper. “Did he catch that last part in context? Because out of context, it might have looked like we were –”

  “Shut up!” snapped Chaz, then looked back up at the bird. “How did you get here? Where's the island?”

  The bird sighed. “I can't understand you when you speak like that. I am fluent only in the Elven tongue.”

  Chaz remembered. The bird could only understand what he was saying if he spoke with a British accent. That's why Cooper couldn't understand him. He tried to think of something British to say to reacquaint himself with the accent.

  “Romeo, O Romeo. Where thee art for you, sweet Romeo?” That was almost certainly wrong.

  The bird's talons dug deeper into the tomato stem. “I feel I should warn you, sir, that I'm in a most unpleasant mood.”

  “Sorry,” said Chaz. “What are you doing here?”

  “My master sent me to see if you two were alive. Then he disappeared. I can no longer sense his presence.”

  “The island could be anywhere. We could try to find a wizard to teleport us there, but that will take time and money we don't have, and they'll be dead long before we can hope to rescue them.”

  “Please tell me there's another option.”

  Chaz frowned. “Not a very good one.”

  “What is it?”

  “We go back to the Whore's Head Inn.”

  The bird ruffled his feathers. “I fail to see how returning to that wretched tavern will help my master escape the flying island.”

  “It won't. That option is dependent on them escaping on their own. If Julian escapes, that's probably the first place he'll look for you. But we don't have to decide now. Our first priority should be getting out of this desert.”

  Cooper took his fancy new axe off his back, causing Chaz to pay him a bit more attention than he was paying to Ravenus. He held it in front of him, but not in a threatening way. More like he was just suddenly interested in looking at it.

  “I don't remember,” he said. “I'll ask Chaz.” He lowered his axe and looked at Chaz. “What's the name of that town Captain Hard-ass said we were near?”

  “I think it was called Totino or something.”

  Cooper stared at his axe for a moment, then nodded. “Knobby's homeland is only a week's walk from Totino.”

  “Who the hell is Knobby?”

  “She's –” Cooper paused again, staring at his axe, then grinned. “She says she's the one who will chop your legs off if you call her Knobby again.”

  “Ravenus and I were thinking about going back to the Whore's Head Inn,” said Chaz. Trying to appeal to Cooper's simple mind, he added, “Maybe have a few drinks and see if the others turn up.”

  After consulting his axe again, Cooper looked up at Chaz. “Knobby thirsts for the blood of those who imprisoned her soul.”

  “You're starting to freak me out, man. How about we just head to Totino and take it from there?”

  Cooper nodded, turned around, and started a trail of westward leading footprints in the desert sand.

  Chapter 5

  Dwarves, halflings, humans, half-elves, and some peculiarly bearded elves gave Randy, Denise, and Katherine a wide berth as they walked through the strangely productive orchard growing out of the sand. Some shielded their eyes or their children's eyes. Others simply turned and fled.

  “What the hell is wrong with these people?” asked Katherine. “I mean, I know we've got a wolf and a big lizard thing with us, but I've seen a lot scarier stuff than this walking around in the city, and no one bats an eye.”

  “It's Basil,” said Randy. “Basilisks can turn people to stone just by looking at them.”

  Katherine smashed herself in the face with her Bag of Holding, holding it tightly over her eyes. “Perhaps you should have mentioned that sooner.”

  “Basil can't do it now, on account of both his eyes was stabbed out.”

  “Awww,” said Katherine, lowering the bag. “That's so gross.”

  “I could get used to this,” said Denise, riding on top of Basil. “Y'all go on now! Run like little bitches, you papaya-pickin' pussies!”

  When they arrived at the other side of the orchard, they found themselves on the border of a quaint little village. Cute cottages of various colors lined either side of a main avenue, all of their yards overabundant with every color and shape of vegetable imaginable. It was less of a small town, and more of a giant salad. It seemed like a really tranquil place. That is, until six armed elves came charging up the main path between the houses.

  They ran sideways in a tight formation, like they were well-practiced in looking ridiculous. Three of them were armed with spears, and the other three were armed with crossbows. All of them wore a small round bucklers on their left forearms with reflective inner surfaces, which they looked back at rather than face the same direction they were running.

  “Halt!” said one of the crossbow-wielding elves.

  Katherine stepped forward. “Hi. I was just here recently, and I actually talked with one of your –”

  “Step away from the basilisk!”

  Randy finally understood their goofy running formation. A basilisk's gaze must not turn people to stone if it's reflected in a mirror. These guys were a special unit specifically trained to take down basilisks that wandered into town out of the desert. Now that Randy thought about it, he could see how a creature that turned people to stone with just a glance might be a serious threat to a village. But not Basil.

  “Hey guys. You ain't got to worry. Basil's harmless.”

  “Are you mad?” asked the leader. “You c
an't bring a basilisk into a populated area!”

  “But he ain't got no eyes. Look.” Randy held his eyelids as wide open as possible with his fingers and stared into Basil's empty eye sockets. “Look at me. Do you see this? I ain't turning into stone. I could do this all day –”

  “Enough!”

  Randy turned to the leader, who was now facing them. Like the other elves in this village, he wore the strangest style of beard Randy had ever seen. It was just one big tuft jutting out the front of his chin, like he'd gotten stabbed in the face with the back end of a toilet brush.

  “What business do you have bringing this creature into Minswater?”

  “I couldn't very well leave him out in the desert with no eyes. He'd never survive.”

  “This is most irregular.” The soldier stroked his most irregular beard. “I concede the creature's gaze is not a threat, but its very presence is upsetting to the people of this village. I don't –”

  “Hey, Jebediah,” Denise called down from atop Basil's back. “If you let us go, there might be something in it for you and your boys.” She pulled aside the leaf she was using as a tunic, revealing side boob that looked like hairy cottage cheese. “How'd you like to dip those beards in honey and paint these big fat titties?”

  “Jesus Christ!” Katherine looked up at Denise. “Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Where did that even come from?”

  The lead soldier cleared his throat. “I'm afraid we cannot allow –”

  “Listen,” said Katherine. “We've got no business in this town. We're just trying to pass through.” She pointed at Randy. “He's got this big-ass death lizard, that one's pregnant with scorpion babies for reasons that are becoming clearer every minute, and I'm carrying around a literal bag of shit. The longer you detain us, the more upsetting it will be for the people of this village. I can guarantee you that.”

  The leader consulted with his similarly bearded subordinates, then addressed Katherine again. “We shall escort you and your companions out of Minswater. But it is my strong recommendation that you put this poor beast out of its misery.” He sneered up at Denise. “As well as the one it's riding.”

  “Hey!” said Denise.

  Randy offered the soldiers a slight bow. “Thank you.”

  Chapter 6

  Stacy climbed back into her cage just before it re-entered the bottom of the island. The chamber it entered looked nothing like the bathroom it had been before. It was just plain, crumbly brown rock. The same went for the larger chamber which the cages released them into. The air smelled earthy and and musty, like an unfinished basement in a long-abandoned house. There were no green and red lights above the doors. Hell, there weren't even doors. Either someone had done some serious remodeling in the past couple of hours, or none of that stuff had been real.

  She prodded the floor outside her cage with her foot to make sure it was real. It felt solid enough. Dave fell out of his cage and lay spread-eagle on the floor, grateful to be on solid ground again, even if it was inexplicably suspended several hundred feet in the air.

  The distinctly more competent of the two soldiers who were apparently friends with Tim's sister stomped out of his cage like a badass, his fist clenched around the pommel of his sword.

  “We must find that red-robed halfling at once! And may the gods still my hand lest I deliver him the King's justice prematurely.”

  “If that means what I think it means,” said Julian, stepping out of his cage and joining the others in the larger chamber, “then please don't do that. We need to take him alive.”

  “Who is he to you?”

  “His name is Mordred. At least, that's what he goes by. He's the one who sent us to this world. And he's the only one who can send us back home.”

  The soldier narrowed his eyes at Julian, then Dave, and finally Stacy. “You are all from this other world?”

  Stacy and Dave nodded.

  “I know it's difficult to believe,” said Julian. “But –”

  “Not so difficult. At least, not as difficult as it is to believe that Katherine's brother could be a halfling. And yet she confirmed her claim in a Zone of Truth.”

  “You and Katherine were in a Zone of Truth together?” Stacy remembered the Zone of Truth back in that little village on the desert border. She also recalled how sorrowful this guy's eyes had looked when Mordred slit Tim's throat. He wasn't grieving for Tim, but rather for Katherine's loss.

  “Yes, in Minswater.”

  “How'd that go?”

  “It was...” He looked down at his feet. “... uncomfortable.” His face went stern again. “Besides that, you've all consistently expressed a degree of ignorance which I cannot help but feel is genuine.”

  “Thanks,” said Dave.

  “My name is Righteous Justificus Blademaster. I am a captain in the Kingsguard.” He extended his hand to Stacy.

  Stacy accepted his handshake, making sure her grip was at least as tight as his. “That's quite a mouthful. You can call me Stacy.”

  “And you may call me Captain Righteous.” The captain appeared impressed with her handshake. “You were not among the others the first time I encountered this group of otherworldy folk.”

  “Yeah, I was late to the party.”

  “Of course,” said Julian. “We'd be grateful if you could help us find and apprehend Mordred. After he's sent us back to our world, you'd be free to administer whatever justice you see fit.”

  Stacy raised her eyebrows. Sure, Mordred had just slit Tim's throat right in front of them all, but Dave and Katherine seemed pretty confident that he could be brought back to life. It seemed kind of cold-blooded for Julian to serve him up on a platter like that, knowing there wouldn't be anyone who'd bother trying to bring him back.

  Julian caught her looking at him, and must have read something in her expression. “He's dangerous. He's a threat, not only to us, but to all the people of this world, and maybe ours as well.” He looked at Captain Righteous. “Mordred is the one who set loose that guy with the dragons and the boat who attacked the city.”

  “That little halfling?” Captain Righteous scoffed. “That's preposterous.”

  “He knows this world inside and out. He grows more and more powerful every day. If we don't stop him right now, we may never be able to.”

  Captain Righteous nodded. “My nephew and I shall assist you to the best of our ability.”

  “What?” said his pudgy sidekick.

  “The Crescent Shadow is not a large landmass. If Mordred is here, we should be able to find him.”

  “That's a big if,” said Dave. “If he could teleport here, then he can teleport away. He could be anywhere by now.”

  “That's true,” said Julian. “But if he thinks we're all still dangling in open cages, he wouldn't be in any hurry to leave. He might be enjoying a celebratory drink right now in a hot tub full of hookers.”

  Stacy smiled at Julian. “Is that what you'd be doing in his place?”

  “I'm just saying, if we want to hit him while he's vulnerable, now might be our best chance. It might be our only chance.”

  “The Crescent Shadow is outside our jurisdiction,” said Bingam. “Uncle, you know as well as I the reputation these wizards have. If we try to abduct one of theirs on their own island, we'll be lucky if all they do is toss us over the edge.”

  “If what the elf says is true, we may be all that stands in the way of a new Dark Age.”

  “Listen to yourself, Uncle! What evidence has the elf provided to support his claims? You said yourself that these people are criminals. Reason has abandoned you. It's as though your mind has been corrupted by that half-elf whore. She isn't worth –”

  Whatever Bingam was going to finish that sentence with was truncated by a swift punch in the face. Stacy didn't know whether that said more about the captain's feelings for Katherine or for Bingam.

  “Apprehending this Mordred is only the beginning of our concerns. We must also figure out a way to smuggle him off this i
sland.”

  “And there's the dice,” said Julian. “We still need to find those.”

  “What dice?” asked Captain Righteous.

  Dave eyed the chamber's exit, no doubt hoping to take this conversation to a restaurant or something. The poor guy hadn't eaten in days. “Mordred must have the dice. Isn't that why Tim stole them?”

  “Tim didn't steal them,” said Stacy. “It was Katherine's handsome friend.” The adjective wasn't strictly necessary, but Stacy wanted to see if it got a rise out of Captain Righteous.

  He shot her a look of alarm. “Who?”

  “The half-drow,” said Dave. “You're splitting hairs. Does anyone here doubt that he lifted the bag at Tim's request?”

  Stacy shrugged. “I'm just trying to keep the facts straight, in case there's something we've missed in the details.”

  “Has Katherine been consorting with a drow?”

  “I don't know how much they've been consorting.” Stacy emphasized the last word with air quotes. “But they've been spending some time together.”

  “It doesn't matter,” said Dave. “If Mordred had the dice, he wouldn't have bothered with this cage bullshit. He might not have killed us all outright, but he would have stripped us to our barest defenses so he could toy with us like a cat with a maimed mouse.”

  “Enough!” Captain Righteous had his fingertips against his temples, like he was suffering from a major headache. “Can someone please explain to me why you're all so afraid of a single halfling and a bag of dice?”

  “He's not really a halfling,” said Julian. “That body is an avatar, albeit for an even less intimidating-looking person. But the dice, those are dangerous. They're probably the most powerful magic things in this world.”

  “Magic items,” Dave corrected him. “Actually, a more appropriate term would be artifacts.”

  Captain Righteous's gaze locked on Dave. His prominent jaw clenched. Dave had captured his full attention.

  “He can use them to manipulate this world's reality,” said Julian. “Whatever he can imagine, he can make happen. He can rule this world like a god.”