Zombies in the House

by Zombies in the House

  ‘Every day? You’re joking,’ said Cherry before she could stop herself.

  ‘No, I’m not,’ Tabbris replied. ‘If I was joking I would probably have said, “Did you hear the one about five silly young angels who didn’t know how to behave and had to be sent to Earth to learn a thing or two from an old angel who was too kind for his own good?”’

  Tabbris chuckled at his own unfunny joke. He was the only one.

  ‘You will visit the patients in the hospital, practise your listening skills and get a better understanding of what makes humans tick. Which is essential if you’re ever to become proper angels.’

  ‘Sounds utterly marvellous,’ said Spit, without an ounce of warmth in his voice.

  ‘Indeed it is,’ beamed Tabbris. ‘And if you do it properly and without getting into trouble, then I will allow you to play in this football tournament. Although I think that you’ll enjoy your community service a lot more than kicking a ball around a piece of grass, wouldn’t you agree?’

  No one dared reply.

  2

  Star Attraction

  ‘We don’t play against girls.’

  Cherry raised her eyebrows and looked at the person who’d just spoken, the leader of the group of boys she’d just invited to have a friendly kickabout. After hours spent scrubbing the kitchen yesterday, her body ached so much she’d hardly slept. Now the gang were down at the local recreation ground for some footie practice, and she wasn’t in the mood for any mickey‐taking.

  ‘Scared we’ll beat you?’

  The boy smirked.

  ‘Yeah, whatever,’ he said, looking at the rest of his mates. ‘Like any team that plays with a chick is ever going to have a chance against us. Why don’t you just go back home and mess around with your make‐up or cry over some boy band, saddo!’

  Alex noticed Cherry’s cheeks darken. This boy didn’t know just how much danger he was in. Cherry stepped forward, eyeballing him. Now they were face‐to‐face, almost nose‐to‐nose.

  ‘Hey, look,’ said the boy, standing his ground, ‘this girl thinks she’s something!’

  The other boys laughed.

  Cherry smiled coldly. ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Why should I tell you?’

  ‘It’ll make it easier when I call the ambulance.’

  ‘OK,’ he said, ‘if you think you’re so special, let’s play, bogey hair! My name’s Skally, and we’ll go easy on you, OK? Don’t want you having to go home boo‐hoo‐hooing to mumsie‐wumsie‐woos!’

  This got a huge laugh from the rest of the boys as Skally strutted back to them.

  Alex looked at the scowl on Cherry’s face.

  ‘You do know Cherubs are supposed to be nice, don’t you?’ he reminded her.

  ‘I am nice,’ snarled Cherry as the rest of the team jogged over. ‘I didn’t punch an arrow into his butt, did I?’

  ‘We’ve got about an hour before we have to be at the hospital,’ said Alex. ‘Looks like it’s game on.’

  ‘Then let’s go.’

  They all watched as Cherry made her way to the centre of the pitch, bouncing the ball slowly and deliberately, her eyes never straying from the boy called Skally.

  ‘Even I’ve never made her that angry,’ said Spit. ‘I must be losing my touch.’

  ‘Maybe you’re just realizing that being part of a team and being nice to people is actually quite a good idea,’ said House.

  ‘We’re not people; we’re angels.’

  ‘Yes,’ replied House, ‘and we all know what happens when one goes bad, don’t we?’

  Spit’s eyes glinted. ‘I’m no Hell’s Angel.’

  But House was already jogging off to go in goal and didn’t hear him. A shout echoed across the field.

  ‘Oi! It’s kick‐off!’

  Waving, Spit turned and started to run out on to the left wing. And that was when an idea hit him like a power‐driven penalty kick.

  ‘Score, Inchy?’

  Inchy looked at Alex. ‘Three all.’ He glanced at his watch and added, ‘Five minutes to go. Pity we can’t use aerial attack, isn’t it?’

  Alex smiled, remembering swooping down from the sky to score the goal that won them the Academy tournament. ‘I’d give anything for a pair of wings.’

  ‘That makes two of us.’

  ‘We need to win this for Cherry,’ said Alex. ‘That Skally really upset her.’

  ‘And he hasn’t learned his lesson,’ replied Inchy. ‘Look.’

  Alex turned to see Skally and his team all pointing at Cherry and dancing around like ballerinas.

  ‘What are they doing?’ asked Alex.

  ‘They’re trying to wind her up,’ replied Inchy. ‘And I think it’s working.’

  Alex glanced over to where Cherry was standing with Spit, who looked like he was having trouble trying to calm her down. As they watched, Spit patted her on the back and then sprinted to the edge of the pitch. He bent down, fiddled with something in the pile of jumpers and bags, then headed back to the centre of the pitch.

  ‘What’s he up to?’ asked Alex.

  ‘Dunno,’ said Inchy. ‘Tightening his studs?’

  Before Alex had time to wonder why Spit would be messing around with his boots in the middle of a match, a stray pass landed right at his own feet. He glanced up to see two of the other team steaming towards him. Instinct took over and he dummied a left, then skipped to the right, leaving one of the boys stranded. But the other was still on him.

  ‘Alex, switch it!’

  Across the pitch, Alex caught sight of Cherry, arms waving. Without a second thought, he chipped the ball to her, high over the head of his marker.

  Unfortunately, Cherry was still so angry that the power behind her first touch sent the ball careering in completely the wrong direction. House leapt into the air and only just managed to save an own goal. Cherry let out a shriek of frustration and annoyance.

  ‘Corner!’ yelled Skally. ‘Corner!’

  With only seconds left, the other team, including their goalie, raced down the pitch for the corner, laughing at Cherry.

  Alex rushed over to join Inchy in defence, but where was Spit? For a moment, Alex couldn’t see him, but then he spotted him among the opposing players, bumping up against them and jostling each one in turn. What was he doing?

  Skally took the corner and Alex didn’t have time to think about Spit’s strange behaviour any more.

  The ball rose high. Alex started to follow it, but as he did so, he noticed something odd. The opposing players hadn’t moved at all. They were just standing there staring at each other with rather daft smiles on their faces.

  ‘House!’ he called. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘Don’t know,’ said House, as the ball landed just in front of one of the opposition, giving him a clear shot at goal. Still the boy didn’t move. Instead, he seemed to be gazing at House with the kind of eyes you’d only use on someone you were about to ask out.

  ‘Mine!’ yelled Alex, racing up to the ball and sending a pass downfield towards Spit. Alex turned to chase it, only to find himself face‐to‐face with a second boy from the other team. The boy smiled soppily.

  ‘I love you, man.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I mean, I really love you!’

  The boy stepped forward to hug Alex, who nearly tripped on his bootlaces as he tried to back off. Struggling to keep his balance, he bumped into two more members of the opposition. But they were too busy hugging each other to notice.

  ‘You’re my best friend,’ one of them sighed, and burst into tears.

  ‘What’s going on?’ shouted Alex. ‘What on Earth is happening?’

  The only answer he got was a pointing finger from Inchy.

  Alex turned to see Spit slot a perfect pass to a figure racing down the right wing. Alex couldn’t believe his eyes.

  ‘It’s Cherry!’ he shouted.

  She had the ball at her feet and a clear pitch ahead. She was even onside. All she had to do was
shoot. But someone else had also seen her.

  ‘No!’ screamed Skally, belting away from the corner. ‘No!’

  But Alex knew Skally didn’t have a chance. Cherry was already past the halfway line. With a satisfying thump, she unleashed a powerful shot and the ball slammed into the back of the net.

  Skally stopped dead, despair sticking him to the ground. The rest of his team hadn’t even noticed. They were still far too busy hugging each other and crying uncontrollably.

  Alex surveyed the scene. ‘Something’s not right here.’

  Then Cherry started dancing and singing.

  ‘We’re the winners, we’re the winners, we’re the best!

  You’re the losers, you’re the losers, you’re the worst!

  And there’s no point even trying,

  Cos you’ll only end up crying!

  We’re the Winners, you’re the Losers, we’re the Best!’

  Cherry’s voice sliced through the air like a razor blade, making the goalposts shake.

  ‘She’s not very good, is she?’ winced Alex.

  ‘No,’ said Inchy, covering his ears as a flock of pigeons plummeted out of the sky, stunned by the sheer awfulness of Cherry’s singing. ‘Music was never her best subject. Don’t you remember why she got kicked out of the Heavenly Chorus?’

  ‘No, why?’

  ‘I was there. When she tried to sing a high C, my harp melted.’

  Spit joined them.

  ‘Well, Cherry’s certainly happier now, isn’t she?’ he grinned. ‘Serves that lot right, I reckon.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ asked Alex suspiciously. Spit was smiling just a little too smugly. ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I helped Cherry score the winning goal, that’s what. And it was a top pass, I think you’ll agree.’

  ‘That’s not all, though, is it?’

  ‘Such mistrust,’ protested Spit. ‘Can’t you just let Cherry enjoy the victory? Or are you upset that it wasn’t you who scored the winning goal?’ he added slyly.

  ‘Come off it. You did something, didn’t you? I mean, people don’t just start hugging each other for no reason, do they?’

  ‘Humans can be happy,’ protested Cherry. ‘It is allowed.’

  ‘But this is football!’ said Alex, raising his voice. ‘Footballers don’t hug each other in the middle of a match. Not unless they’ve scored.’

  Just then, Skally rushed up and shoved Cherry so hard she almost fell over.

  ‘What did you do to them? You cheated! You stupid girl – you cheated, didn’t you?’

  House stepped in. ‘Back off, pal.’

  Skally opened his mouth, but at the sight of Big House looming over him, he thought twice about saying anything else. Instead, he spat on the ground and ran back to his team, who were now walking away from the pitch arm in arm, singing ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’ in perfect harmony.

  ‘And footballers certainly don’t do that,’ said Alex.

  ‘No, you’re right,’ said Spit. ‘I wasn’t expecting that, either.’

  ‘So you did do something! I knew it!’

  ‘Actually, it was rather clever. You should be pleased.’

  ‘Yes, you should,’ said Cherry. ‘It was a great pass!’

  ‘No, not that,’ smirked Spit. ‘What I did with your arrow.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well,’ explained Spit, ‘I didn’t like the way those guys were taking the mickey out of you. I could see that you wanted to beat them really badly, and I wanted to help, you know. So when I went over to the bags, I snapped the point off one of your arrows. Then, when I bumped up against those guys, I gave them each a tiny nick with it, just enough to confuse them. I wasn’t after any falling‐in‐love‐with‐a‐donkey stuff, just a distraction, that’s all. And it worked, didn’t it? Cherry scored, we won and they’ve learned a lesson. And the effects of the arrow will wear off in an hour or so.’

  ‘So we didn’t win,’ said Cherry, her voice low and sad. ‘We cheated.’

  ‘I was just trying to help,’ said Spit, sounding suddenly deflated. ‘I thought you’d be pleased. Looking out for the team and all that. You know, like you said at the kick‐off, House. One for all and all for one?’

  House shook his head sadly. Alex stepped forward.

  ‘Spit, mate, I get why you did it. None of us liked seeing Cherry upset and angry. But the way you tried to help… it just wasn’t right.’

  ‘Yeah,’ snarled Spit, ‘but it would’ve been OK if you’d done it, wouldn’t it? Then it would have been a “genius plan”.’

  ‘No, it wouldn’t,’ said Alex.

  Cherry approached Spit and placed a hand on his arm. ‘Thanks,’ she said, ‘but next time, try something a little less unfair, OK?’

  Spit opened his mouth, but before he could reply, Inchy gasped.

  ‘Oh no!’

  ‘What’s up?’ asked House.

  Inchy showed everyone his watch. ‘We’re late!’

  ‘Tabbris will kill us if he finds out,’ groaned Alex. ‘Let’s go!’

  Without another word, Alex, House, Inchy and Cherry ran to grab their bags, leaving Spit to ponder whether the life of a Hell’s Angel would be so bad after all.

  ‘That’s convenient,’ said Spit, nodding at a tired rusty gate bearing a sign that said Green Hill Cemetery. ‘Right next to the hospital.’

  ‘Not very comforting for the patients, is it?’ said Inchy.

  ‘Why not?’ asked House.

  Spit looked at him disbelievingly.

  ‘Humans don’t like death,’ explained Alex. ‘The dead scare them.’

  ‘Yeah, well what scares me is the thought of what Tabbris will do to us when he finds out we’ve missed visiting hours,’ snapped Cherry.

  ‘Maybe we should just go home and pretend that we’ve been visiting,’ suggested House. ‘I mean, how would Tabbris know we’re not telling the truth?’

  ‘We can’t just lie,’ retorted Alex. ‘Besides, this is Tabbris we’re talking about – he’s got spies everywhere. He’s probably best friends with the chief nurse or something.’

  ‘I hate to interrupt,’ said Inchy, ‘but look!’

  The gang turned. Just ahead of them stood the entrance to Green Hill Hospital, a big building with so many windows it looked like a giant glitter ball. And outside the main doors stood a large crowd of expectant‐looking people, all wearing dressing gowns.

  ‘They look like patients,’ said Alex incredulously.

  ‘What are they waiting outside for?’ asked Cherry.

  ‘That?’ said Inchy, pointing towards a huge car, so black it seemed to distort light as it drove past. As it pulled up outside the hospital, the crowd went wild.

  ‘Look,’ said Cherry, edging forward, ‘someone’s getting out.’

  And someone was – but the figure that stepped from the car looked immediately too big ever to have been in it. His tall frame towered over the crowd of screaming patients. As he swung round theatrically, arms outstretched, sunlight blazed off so many rings, bangles, bracelets and necklaces that it was like a laser light show. But everything else about the man – from his shoulder‐length hair and eyeliner, right down to his tight jeans and leather shoes – was black. He was like a shadow speckled with diamonds, or a dash of the starry night sky gone walkabout in the day.

  ‘I’m guessing he’s not a doctor,’ said Inchy. Then the figure spoke.

  ‘My deepest heartfelt thanks, everyone. Really, this is just too much, far too much. I am humbled by your adoration. I just hope I can live up to your love. Everything I do, I do it… for you!’

  The crowd screamed even louder, almost as if they half expected a guitar solo.

  ‘They do rather like him, don’t they?’ said Spit, as the patients at the front of the crowd started begging for autographs on everything from plaster casts to eye patches.

  ‘They do,’ replied Alex suspiciously. ‘And they seem very enthusiastic for people who are supposed to be ill.’ />
  The strange black‐clad man proceeded slowly into the hospital, security guards keeping the patients at arm’s length. Occasionally he would turn and hug one of the crowd, or say, ‘Bless you, bless you all.’

  Finally, just as he was about to pass through the doors, he turned and, with a flick of his wrist, cast out a spray of what looked like oversized confetti. One bit landed near Cherry and she picked it up.

  ‘What is it?’ asked Inchy, craning his neck to see.

  Cherry shrugged and showed them a rather soft‐focus photograph of the man they’d just seen enter the hospital. It was signed Aubrey Adonis – Hospital DJ in big loopy handwriting.

  A nearby patient spotted the gang looking at

  the picture and came over.

  ‘Isn’t he just the most beautiful person?’ she gushed. ‘So loving and gentle and kind and fabulous…’

  For a moment, it looked like the woman would never stop. But then she seemed suddenly overcome by the situation and abruptly fainted into the arms of a stunningly pretty nurse. The nurse didn’t seem at all surprised, but simply shot the gang a beaming smile and carried the unconscious woman back into the hospital.

  ‘Aubrey Adonis?’ said House. ‘What kind of name is that?’

  It was then Alex used the smile everyone dreaded. The one that generally came fully armed with plenty of ways to get them into big, big trouble. The one he usually followed by saying ‘I’ve got a plan’ or ‘Let’s go and find out’.

  ‘I’ve got a plan,’ said Alex. ‘Let’s go and find out!’

  3

  The Happy Ward

  ‘Are you sure this is a good idea, Alex?’ asked Inchy as the gang marched in through the automatic doors. ‘I’m not sure we’re allowed to go inside now visiting time’s over.’

  ‘I’m sure nobody will mind,’ said Alex dismissively. ‘The patients must be bored with people always visiting at the same time. They’ll probably be pleased to have a change. Let’s split up. If we all go to a different ward, we can see more people. Spread the joy.’

  ‘“Spread the joy”?’ echoed Spit. ‘You sound like that cheesy Adonis guy.’

  ‘Yeah? Well, we want to find out more about him too, don’t we?’ replied Alex. ‘And look at it this way – the sooner we get this done, the sooner we get home. Let’s go.’