Someone to Love Me

by Anne Schraff

  “Honeychild, I’m an old woman, and a lot of this modern life is way over my head. But I got sense enough to know that a mother ought not leave her fifteen-year-old daughter all by herself for all this time. ”

  Cindy shrugged. Ordinarily she would have defended her mother from anyone’s criticism. But there was something about Mrs. Davis that showed she really cared, and it felt good to have someone worry about her. “Mom is off with her boyfriend,” Cindy admitted. “Something came up suddenly, and she just went. ”

  “Hmmph,” Mrs. Davis grunted, shaking her head side to side in disbelief. “Child, would you like some hot chocolate and fresh-baked raisin cookies?”

  “That sounds real good,” Cindy said, happy to talk to somebody and grateful not to have to return to her lonely apartment.

  As Cindy sat at the kitchen table, Mrs. Davis asked, “When your momma getting back?”

  “Tomorrow morning,” Cindy said.

  “Tomorrow! She left you all weekend?”

  “It’s okay,” Cindy said, nibbling on a cookie still soft and warm from the oven.

  “You been out with your boyfriend all day, haven’t you?” Mrs. Davis asked.

  “Yeah,” Cindy said, smiling. “He gave me his Bluford varsity jacket. Look, isn’t it cool? When boys let you wear their jackets, it means they really like you. ”

  “Well some things haven’t changed,” Mrs. Davis said, smiling. “When I was a girl, if a boy went off to the army, he’d leave you with things to remember him by. The man I ended up marryin’ gave me something special the day he left for the army. It was a ring that belonged to his father, and I cherished it every day. ”

  “Bobby hasn’t given me a ring yet,” Cindy replied. “But maybe he will. ”

  “Honey, don’t be rushin’ nothing,” Mrs. Davis gently warned.

  Cindy smiled, feeling silly for a moment.

  “Child, have you got a grandma?”

  “I used to, but she passed away when I was little,” Cindy answered. “I hardly remember her. ”

  “Well, let me be your grandma then. You can call me Grandma Rose, or just Grandma,” Mrs. Davis said.

  “Thanks, Mrs. Davis,” Cindy said, grateful to the kind old woman. “I mean, Grandma Rose. ”

  Mrs. Davis smiled warmly as she served the hot chocolate. “Now, tell me all about your boyfriend,” she said, sitting down across from Cindy.

  “He’s really nice,” Cindy began. “His name is Bobby Wallace and—”

  “Harold has told me about that Bobby Wallace,” Mrs. Davis interjected, frowning. “He has a very bad reputation, honey. ”

  “People just don’t understand him, Grandma Rose. Bobby has changed. He doesn’t do bad stuff anymore. You believe people can change, don’t you? It’s like they always say in church. People can repent and change, and we are supposed to forgive them, right?”

  “Yes, Cindy, I do believe in that, but folks have to really and truly change in their hearts. Sometimes they put on nice behavior, but deep down they haven’t changed at all,” Mrs. Davis said. “So you gotta be real careful, child, ’cause you’re precious. ”

  You’re precious. The words echoed in Cindy’s mind. She had been starved for kind words for so long that they were like a burst of rain on parched soil, spilling over instead of sinking in.

  “I ain’t precious,” she said, thinking of her mother and Raffie. “I know that—”

  “Hush your mouth,” Mrs. Davis said sternly. “You are a beautiful child of the Lord, and you deserve a young man as fine as you. Don’t let me ever hear you disrespecting yourself, child, you understand? I won’t stand for it. ” As she spoke, Mrs. Davis put her thick arms around Cindy and gave her a warm hug. Nestled amidst the scent of fresh cookies and dish soap, Cindy felt loved and protected.

  “Thank you,” Cindy said softly as Mrs. Davis gradually relaxed her strong embrace.

  “I’m here for you, child,” Mrs. Davis said. “Don’t you forget that. ”

  “Thank you, Grandma Rose,” Cindy said before walking back to her apartment.

  Alone in her room, Cindy busied herself with ideas for cartoons for the Bluford Bugler. She had to get her mind off the prospect of another night by herself in the gloomy apartment. Her mother would not be home until the next morning. Then she would go right to bed and sleep until the afternoon when she had to go to work.

  Cindy wondered if her mother would be wearing a ring on her finger, a ring from Raffie with his jangling gold chains.

  Cindy stayed up until midnight sketching cartoon ideas. Then she got dressed for bed, placed Bobby’s jacket on a nearby chair, and crawled under her covers. Before falling asleep, she grabbed Bobby’s jacket and held it next to her. It smelled like the musky cologne Bobby wore. She fell asleep holding one sleeve next to her cheek.

  Cindy woke up to the smell of brewing coffee.

  “Mom?” Cindy cried, jumping from bed and stumbling into the hallway in her bare feet.

  “I’m in the kitchen,” her mother called.

  As she entered the kitchen half asleep, Cindy remembered how angry she was at her mother. “Well, you finally got back, huh?” she said sitting at the small table. Despite how happy and relieved she was that her mother was home, Cindy was unable to smile or say anything nice to her.

  “Well, that’s a nice welcome. What’s your problem?” her mother snapped.

  “It was really mean of you to leave like that for two days,” Cindy said bitterly. “I couldn’t believe you’d do that. ”

  “Oh Cindy, give me a break! You’re fifteen years old! You’re always complaining that I don’t give you enough credit for being grown-up. Well, now I did. I trusted you to behave yourself with nobody breathing down your neck, and that’s a compliment that you ought to appreciate. Aren’t you always saying ‘Moom, I’m fifteen years old,’ ” her mother said with a whiny, childish voice. “ ‘Moom, I’m not a baby anymore. ’ ”

  Cindy’s rage grew. Mom was not even apologetic. She acted as if she had done nothing wrong. “I spent the whole time with my boyfriend,” she said spitefully.

  “Girl, don’t lie to me. I know you don’t have a boyfriend,” her mother said, pouring a cup of coffee.

  “I do now,” Cindy cried. “And we were together all weekend, drinking and kissing and stuff. Then he gave me his varsity jacket. I guess he loves me, or he wouldn’t have given it to me. ”

  Cindy’s mother turned sharply, spilling coffee on the table. “You better watch your mouth!” she yelled. “Do you want a good slap across your face? You keep talking like that, and that’s just what you’ll get, girl. ”

  Cindy sat down at the table and sulked. She didn’t see a ring on her mother’s finger, and that consoled her. Raffie probably found another excuse to push it off again, Cindy thought. They had been dating now for a year, and Mom hoped to get married, but Raffie always had a reason why it had to be postponed.

  “So,” Cindy said at last, “did you and the creep have a good time?”

  “You say another bad thing to me this morning, and I’ll slap you silly. You hear me?” Mom growled. “I am tired of you dissing Raffie. He’s a fine man. Whatever happens with me and him is none of your business. ”

  “He didn’t give you a ring, did he?” Cindy asked.

  “I told you it was none of your business. ”

  “He won’t give you one either,” Cindy persisted. “And you should be glad too. Who wants Raffie for a husband? I sure don’t want him for a stepfather. I’d run away if you ever married him, that’s what I’d—”

  Mom’s hand struck Cindy on the side of her cheek. The slap was not hard, but it stung Cindy’s face. It was the first time in years Mom had hit her. She looked at her mother in disbelief.

  “I told you I didn’t wanna hear no more from you!” Mom said. “I’m gonna lie down and get some sleep now, and I don’t want to hear your voice. Go do your homework or whatever. You make me wish I didn’t come home. ” Mom stomped down the hall to her bed
room and slammed the door.

  Cindy remained at the kitchen table. She put her hand over the spot her mother had hit, rested her head down on the tabletop and cried. She did not want to fight with Mom. She had missed her so much. What Cindy wanted more than anything was to tell Mom about her new job on the school paper, her talk with Mr. Mitchell, and, of course, Bobby Wallace. But instead, she had spoiled what little time they had together by fighting.

  Cindy said nothing as the tears rolled down her cheeks. She kept thinking her mother would hear her crying and come rushing out and put her arms around her and say, “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I went off with Raffie, and I am sorry for slapping you. Forgive me?”

  But she didn’t. Tears never changed anything, Cindy thought. Her eyes ached, her head throbbed, and her nose burned. But in the end nothing was changed. Nothing was any different.

  Around 10:00, the phone rang and Cindy rushed to answer it, hoping it was Bobby.

  “Hi Cindy, it’s me,” Jamee said, “My sister has the car and we’re going to the mall. Wanna come?”

  “Yeah,” Cindy said, eager to get out of the apartment. She pulled on clean jeans and a tank top and ran downstairs to wait for the car. She hoped Jamee would not criticize her for dating Bobby Wallace. Cindy was certain Jamee knew by now. Amberlynn probably told her everything.

  Darcy and Jamee pulled up in an old beige Ford. “Isn’t it great?” Darcy said, sitting at the wheel. She was a junior with a new driver’s license, and she shared the car with her mother. Cindy could not wait for the day when she had a car of her own. She would drive far away and maybe never even come back.

  “I wish I could drive,” Cindy said. “My mom probably wouldn’t let me borrow her car, though,” she said, climbing into the car.

  “You’re only fifteen,” Darcy added.

  “Besides, I’m seventeen, and the only time I get to drive is when my mother isn’t working. Believe me, I know how it feels to be trapped at home,” Darcy said, pulling out into the street.

  “Cindy, are you really going out with Bobby Wallace?” Jamee asked suddenly.

  Cindy took a deep breath. “Listen, Jamee. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like that. Bobby isn’t the same person he was when you went out with him. ”

  “But how do you know that for sure?” Jamee asked indignantly. “And besides, Cindy, don’t you think it’s a little rude of you to go after some guy that I used to date?”

  “Rude?” Cindy repeated. “I don’t see anything rude about it. I mean, you two were together so long ago. ”

  “Like just last year,” Jamee said quickly. “That’s beside the point, Cindy. You know what I went through with Bobby. You know what he did to me. And still you’re going out with him. ”

  “Jamee, I don’t need nobody tryin’ to mind my business for me. Now I already told Amberlynn to—”

  “Both of you relax,” Darcy cut in, turning away from the steering wheel to glance at Cindy. “Jamee’s just worried about you, that’s all. And so am I. Don’t forget that Bobby beat Jamee up, and he threatened me. Any boy who treats girls like that is dangerous. I don’t know what makes you think he’s changed so much,” Darcy explained.

  “Yeah,” Jamee spoke up, “that’s what I’m trying to say. I don’t want you going through what happened to me. This isn’t about you dating my ex, Cindy. It’s about you being safe. ”

  “Jamee, I appreciate what you’re saying,” Cindy said, cooling down. “You too, Darcy. But you just don’t know Bobby like I do. He’s a good guy now. ”

  “That boy was crazy last year,” Jamee said somberly.

  “Yeah, but so were you,” Darcy interjected. Jamee flashed Darcy a quick glare.

  “Seriously, Cindy,” Jamee said, “What makes you think he’s any different now?”

  “He said he was doing drugs last year and that messed up his mind. Now he’s clean, and he’s really nice,” Cindy said.

  “Just be careful,” Darcy warned. “Take things real slow, Cindy. ”

  “Doesn’t your mom mind you hanging out with Bobby, knowing his rep?” Jamee asked.

  “My mom doesn’t have a clue about anything I do. She lets me do whatever I want,” Cindy said.

  “I wish my mom was like that,” Jamee said.

  “Don’t be stupid, Jamee,” Darcy grumbled. “Anyway, Cindy, your mom wouldn’t want you dating Bobby if she knew what kind of guy he was. ”

  “Yeah, well she’s got no room to talk right now,” Cindy replied, leaning back in the seat as they drove into the parking lot of the mall. She was not in the mood to talk about her mother. Instead, she wanted to buy some new things. She had forty dollars her mother had given her weeks ago for school clothes. She had not spent it at the time because she didn’t care much for school or what she wore. But now she had a reason to shop. She wanted to be pretty for Bobby. She wanted to put a big smile on his face.

  As the girls walked towards the mall, Darcy kept talking about how her mother, an ER nurse, was determined to make Darcy’s prom dress. “I told her she doesn’t have time, but she won’t listen,” Darcy said. “She says Grandma made her first party dress, and she wants to do the same for me. ” A pang of jealousy struck Cindy. She wished she had a close family like Darcy and Jamee’s.

  “Know what?” Cindy said, bitterness sweeping over her. “My mom left town Friday night, and she didn’t get back till this morning. No joke. I was alone all that time ’cause she was with her boyfriend Raffie. All he ever does is insult me,” Cindy added, fighting back tears of anger and hurt. “He lies to my mom about it, and she believes him over me. He drives his new Mercedes and wears gold chains and earrings. I think he looks like a big fool, but he thinks he’s the man. Mom is crazy about him. It’s like if Raffie and I were drowning, she’d go save him and let me drown. ”

  “Cindy,” Jamee said, “that’s stupid. Your mom doesn’t think that. ”

  “Don’t you try to tell me how my mother is! You don’t live with me, so how would you know? Not everyone’s family is as perfect as yours,” Cindy yelled, angered at how Jamee denied what she lived through each day. “I’m telling you, she doesn’t care about me. She wasn’t always this way. I guess being in love with somebody is like being on drugs or something. Ever since Raffie came along, she’s been different. It’s like she wishes I would just go away so she wouldn’t have to deal with me no more. ” Cindy looked down at her finger-nails. Jamee and Darcy remained silent.

  “Know what else?” Cindy said, her voice trembling. “I don’t care either. I don’t care if Mom doesn’t love me, not anymore. I don’t need her. I just need Bobby. I think he loves me, you guys. He calls me Cinderella, and he really loves me. ”

  Jamee threw an arm around Cindy. “I’m sorry, girl,” she said. “I’m not gonna tell you I’m happy about you and Bobby. But no matter what, I will always be here for you. So will Amberlynn—”

  “And me too,” Darcy cut in.

  “We’ll love you, with or without Bobby Wallace,” Jamee said, pulling Cindy close to her and giving her a warm hug.

  Darcy placed her hand on Cindy’s back then. “Come on, Cindy. Let’s shop till we drop!”

  Together they walked into the mall without a word, the three girls with their arms around each other.

  Chapter 6

  The girls headed straight to their favorite clothing store, Fashion Central.

  “Did you see what Latasha was wearing on Friday?” Jamee asked. “Didn’t she look good?”

  “Latasha?” Darcy scoffed. “If you ask me, that shirt was just too small. How is she ever gonna be taken seriously with her belly all exposed like that?”

  “I thought she looked nice,” Cindy replied. “Anyway, guys seemed to like what she was wearing. ”

  Darcy laughed. “You two need to get over that,” she said. “What guys want is not always best for you. Besides, when you get to be juniors, you’ll be so busy working and looking for college money that you won’t even care about clothe
s. ”

  Cindy noticed Jamee rolling her eyes at her sister’s comment. “Hey, do you like these shoes?” Jamee asked, holding up a pair of leather sneakers. “I saw a girl wearing them in a new music video. ”

  “Oh, I love them!” Cindy cried. “But they cost eighty dollars. There’s no way I can afford that. ”

  “Look,” Darcy shouted, “the stuff on this rack is sixty percent off. ”

  The two girls rushed over, and Cindy grabbed an off-white sleeveless top. “It’s my size, and it’s only seven dollars! I can get two of these and a pair of pants,” Cindy exclaimed, grabbing a number of inexpensive items off the shelves.

  “Jamee,” Darcy said as she searched through the rack, “did you tell Cindy about our Halloween party?”

  “No, not yet,” Jamee replied, examining a gray ribbed top.

  “What party?” Cindy asked.

  “Were having some friends over for Halloween,” Darcy explained. “I told Jamee to invite you and Amberlynn. We’re gonna watch scary movies and eat tons of junk food. It’ll be great. ”

  “Yeah Cindy, you gotta come over,” Jamee added.

  “We’ll see,” Cindy replied. “I don’t know what Bobby’s planning that night. He might want to do something. ”

  Jamee rolled her eyes but said nothing. Cindy pretended not to notice her reaction.

  “Well,” Darcy said with a pleasant smile. “Just know you’re invited. It’s up to you whether or not you come over. ”

  “Thanks,” Cindy mumbled, trying not to be bothered by Jamee’s silence.

  For the rest of the afternoon, the girls wandered around the mall looking at clothes, listening to music, and eating at the food court. Cindy bought three tops and a pair of pants with her money, and by the time she got home, her mother had already left for work. It was just as well, Cindy thought. All they would have done is bicker some more. Cindy went right to her room to try on her new clothes.

  Looking in the mirror, Cindy liked what she saw. Her new purple shirt and black pants fit her body perfectly. She could hardly wait to see Bobby’s reaction when he saw her in them. She went through her entire closet trying on outfits she thought Bobby would like.