First published 2011 in the US by Feiwel and Friends Books, an imprint of Macmillan
This edition published 2011 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited
1 Market Street, Sydney
A collection of stories from The Bad Book and The Very Bad Book
Text copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2011
Illustrations copyright © Terry Denton 2011
The moral rights of the creators have been asserted.
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A Cataloguing-in-Publication entry is available from the National Library of Australia
ISBN 9780330404464 (hbk.)
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Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group
The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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These electronic editions published in 2011 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd
1 Market Street, Sydney 2000
The moral rights of the creators have been asserted.
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Killer Koalas from Outer Space
Written by Andy Griffiths, Illustrated by Terry Denton
Adobe eReader format 978-1-74262-903-2
EPub format 978-1-74262-904-9
Mobipocket format 978-1-74334-569-6
Online format 978-1-74262-902-5
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Contents
Cover
Copyright Page
Killer Koalas from Outer Space
Very Bad Mary, Quite Contrary
Little Willy
Bad Mummy and Daddy and the Volcano
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Poo
The Very Bad Ant and the Big Red Shiny Space Rocket
Very Bad Koala Riddles
Brian and His Very Bad Idea
The Three Bad Guys and the Very Bad Idea
The Very Bad Fish
The Dog that Fell Apart
BAD Magazine 1
Very Bad Farmer Riddles
Very Bad Invention No. 1: The Non-flush Toilet
Very Bad Invention No. 2: Non-elastic Underpants
Nobody Likes Me
Bad Macdonald
The Boy Who Ate Dead Flies
Very Stupid Riddles
A Very Bad Penguin Joke
The Very Bad Road
The Sad Bad Bad-man
VERY BAD FAIRY TALES PRESENTS: Mud Brown and the Seven Slobs
Mummy, Mummy!
BAD Magazine 2
The Very Bad Giraffe
The Very Bad Dentist
Very Bad Tree Riddles
Brian and His Very, Very Bad Idea
The Girl Who Slammed Doors
A Very Bad Hippo Joke
The Boy Who Forgot His Head Because It Wasn’t Screwed On
Tarzan the Monkey Man
The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family: Part 1
The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family: Part 2
The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family: Part 3
The Very Bad Holiday
The Very Bad Guide to Good and Bad
Little Bad Riding Hood
Peter, Peter, Junk-food Eater
Bad Daddy and the Pencil Sharpener
Very Bad Knock-knock Jokes
Brian and His Very, Very Very Bad Idea
The Very Bad Builder
Badword Puzzle
The Very Bad Story
The Very, Very Bad Story
The Very, Very, Very Bad Story
Very Bad Plane, Ship, and Bread Van Riddles
BAD Magazine 3
Killer Koalas from Outer Space
Killer koalas from outer space:
They look cute and cuddly,
but they’ll rip off your face!
They come here disguised
as cute marsupials,
but they’re really face-ripping
extraterrestrials!
So, if I were you, from this place I would race
before those koalas (with unseemly haste)
get out their claws and
RIP OFF YOUR FACE!
THE END
Very Bad Mary, Quite Contrary
Very Bad Mary, quite contrary,
how does your garden grow?
With poison ivy, prickles, and thistles,
and spiky weeds all in a row?
Little Willy
Eating more than he was able,
Willy died at the breakfast table.
“Please, Mama,” said little Meg.
“May I have his other egg?”
Bad Mummy and Daddy and the Volcano
THE END
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Poo
There was an old woman
who lived in a poo.
She had so many flies,
she didn’t know what to do!
She gave them some broth
and put them to bed.
Then sprayed them
with fly spray
until they were dead.
The Very Bad Ant and the Big Red Shiny Space Rocket
Once upon a time, there was an ant. It looked like an ordinary ant, but it wasn’t. It was a very bad ant.
And the very bad
ant went along the
ground and came to
a stick.
And the very bad ant
went up the stick. And
the very bad ant went over the stick.
And the very bad ant went down the stick.
And the very bad ant went along the ground and came to a blade of grass.
And the very bad ant went up the blade of grass.
And the very bad ant went over the blade of grass.
And the very bad ant went down the blade of grass.
And then it stopped.
And then it started again.
And the very bad ant went along the ground
and came to a big red shiny space rocket.
And the very bad ant went up
the big red shiny space rocket.
And the very bad ant
went into the big red shiny space rocket.
And the very bad ant pressed the START button!
WHOOSH! went the big red shiny space rocket as it blasted off into space.
“COME BACK WITH OUR BIG RED SHINY SPACE ROCKET!” shouted the astronauts. But it was no use. The very bad ant couldn’t hear them above the roar of the rocket, and even if it could have, it would hav
e kept on flying anyway because, as I think I have already mentioned, it was a very bad ant.
And the very bad ant went past the moon.
And the very bad ant went past Venus.
And the very bad ant went past Mercury and headed straight toward the sun, which was a very dangerous thing to do because the sun is very very hot. Especially when you get really close to it.
But do you think the very bad ant cared?
No, of course not.
It didn’t even have its seat belt fastened
or its space helmet on!
The very bad ant just flew the big red shiny space rocket straight into the sun and was burned to death.
Which wasn’t very nice. But not very surprising, because it was a bad ant. A very bad ant.
THE END
Very Bad Koala Riddles
Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A: It was hit by the first koala.
Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game, and joined in.
Brian and His Very Bad Idea
THE END
The Three Bad Guys and the Very Bad Idea
Once upon a time, there were three bad guys: a big bad guy, a medium-sized bad guy, and a little bad guy.
One day, the three bad guys were sitting around in their club house thinking up bad stuff to do when the big bad guy said, “Hey, I’ve got a very bad idea! Let’s not wash our hands after going to the toilet!”
“That is a very bad idea!” said the medium-sized bad guy, “and let’s also not wash them after picking our noses!”
“Yeah!” said the little bad guy. “And let’s especially not wash them after touching pets and other animals!”
And the three bad guys all high-fived each other and agreed that not washing their hands was a very bad idea and they began not washing their hands immediately.
As it turned out, the three bad guys were right; not washing their hands was a very bad idea because it wasn’t long before their hands were covered in really nasty germs that crawled up their arms, invaded their bodies, and caused sniffles, rashes, fevers, coughing, vomiting, diarrhoea, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, halitosis, tuberculosis, myxomatosis, supercalifragilisticexpialidosis, and tummyache . . . all of which made the three bad guys feel very bad indeed!
THE END
The Very Bad Fish
THE END
The Dog that Fell Apart
Once upon a time, there was a dog.
One day, the dog’s tail fell off.
The next day, his legs fell off.
The next day, his nose fell off.
The next day, his ears fell off.
The next day, his head fell off.
The next day was Tuesday.
THE END
Very Bad Farmer Riddles
Q: What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?
A: “Where’s my tractor?”
Q: What did the farmer say when he found his tractor?
A: “There’s my tractor!”
Q: What do you call a farmer with a tractor on his head?
A: Dead.
Very Bad Invention No. 1: The Non-flush Toilet
Very Bad Invention No. 2: Non-elastic Underpants
Nobody Likes Me
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
think I’m gonna eat some worms.
First you chop their heads off,
then you squeeze their guts out.
Ooh, what a horrible mess . . . YUCK!
Bad Macdonald
Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!
And on that farm, he had a dead pig with its guts coming out, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!
With pig guts here, and pig guts there.
Here some guts!
There some guts!
Everywhere, some pig guts!
Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!
Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!
And on that farm, he had a dead cow with its guts coming out, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!
With cow guts here, and cow guts there.
Here some guts!
There some guts!
Everywhere, some cow guts!
Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!
Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!
And on that farm, he had a dead horse with its guts coming out, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!
With horse guts here, and horse guts there.
Here some guts!
There some guts!
Everywhere, some horse guts!
Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!
The Boy Who Ate Dead Flies
THE END
THE END
Very Stupid Riddles
Q: Why couldn’t the cat drink its milk?
A: Because it didn’t have a face.
Q: What’s red and not there ?
A: No tomato.
Q: What’s brown and looks out the window?
A: A poo on stilts.
A Very Bad Penguin Joke
Two penguins were standing on an iceberg. One turned to the other and said, “Radio.”
The Very Bad Road
THE END
The Sad Bad Bad-man
Once upon a time,
there was a sad bad bad-man.
The sad bad bad-man was sad
because he was bad
at being bad.
So, the sad bad bad-man
went to sad bad bad-man’s school
where they taught
sad bad bad-men
how to be good at being
good bad-men,
instead of being
good at being sad bad bad-men.
And the sad bad bad-man stopped being sad
and became glad
because he learned how to be a good bad-man
who was good at being bad,
instead of bad at being bad.
VERY BAD FAIRY TALES PRESENTS: Mud Brown and the Seven Slobs
Once upon a slime, there was a disgusting princess called Mud Brown. She lived in a stinking bog with seven slobs called Stinky, Filthy, Snotty, Messy, Grubby, Sloppy, and Robert.
Mud Brown and the seven slobs ate dirt, put mud in their underpants, sneezed in each other’s faces, shoved handfuls of worms in their ears, and never EVER brushed their teeth.
One day, an unhandsome prince called Prince Poopy-pants came riding through the forest on a filthy warthog and saw Mud Brown and the seven slobs having a wild mud fight.
Prince Poopy-pants looked at Mud Brown’s filthy clothes, dirty face, matted hair, and ears full of nasty wriggling worms, and fell in love with her at once.
He leapt from his warthog and waded into the bog toward her. “You are the dirtiest, most perfectly despicable princess I have ever laid my beady, bloodshot eyes on!” he said. “Will you marry me?”
Mud Brown scooped up a big handful of mud and slammed it right in the prince’s face. “Of course I will,” she said. “I’ve been waiting all my life for someone as unhandsome, unappealing, and unhygienic as you!”
Prince Poopy-pants and Mud Brown embraced and kissed but, unfortunately, as neither of them had ever cleaned their teeth in their entire lives, the combined stench of their terrible breath formed a cloud so toxic that it not only killed them both, but also Stinky, Filthy, Snotty, Messy, Grubby, Sloppy, and Robert. And nobody lived ever after.
THE END
Mummy, Mummy!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! What’s a werewolf?
Mum: Shut up and comb your face!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! Are we really vampires?
Mum: Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! I’m scared of zombies!
Mum: Shut up and eat your brains while they’re still warm!
THE END
The Very Bad Giraffe
THE END
The Very Bad Dentist
THE END
Very Bad Tree Riddles
Q: Why did the man cut down the tree?
A: Because it was there.
Q: Why didn’t the man cut down the tree?
A: Because it wasn’t there.
Q: Why did the tree cut down the man?
A: Because it was a bad tree.
Brian and His Very, Very Bad Idea
Killer Koalas from Outer Space Page 1
