THE END
The Girl Who Slammed Doors
There once was a girl who slammed doors from morning to night without pause.
She slammed them so hard
that the rooms fell apart,
and all that was left were the floors.
A Very Bad Hippo Joke
Two hippos are in a swamp
with water up to their eyes.
One looks at the other and says,
“I don’t know why, but I keep thinking it’s Tuesday.”
The Boy Who Forgot His Head Because It Wasn’t Screwed On
Once upon a time, there was a very forgetful boy. He would forget to do his chores. He would forget to do his homework. And sometimes, he would even forget to put his pants on before he went to school!
“Honestly!” his mother
would say, shaking her
head. “You’d forget your
head if it wasn’t screwed on!”
One day, the boy said to himself,
“I wonder if my head really is screwed on?”
The boy put his hands over his ears
and twisted his head to the right.
It moved a little.
He gave another twist.
It moved a little more.
He gave it one more twist and,
to his surprise, his head came
completely off his body.
“Cool!” said the boy. “My head really does screw on . . . and off!” And he screwed it on.
He was about to screw it on again when he heard his best friend calling from outside and he ran off to play, completely forgetting to screw his head back on, just as his mother had predicted.
The boy’s head sat
on the table in front
of the window where the
boy had left it. Pretty
soon, however, the wind
started to blow and . . .
the head rolled off the
table and onto the floor.
Along a dark
and slimy pipe,
past frogs and toads
and rats that bite!
The head rolled on
until, eventually,
it slid out of the pipe
and splashed into the sea. . .
where it was swallowed
by a fish. . .
which was swallowed
by a very big fish . . .
which was swallowed by
a very very big fish . . .
which was swallowed by
a very very very small fish. . .
with a very, very, very big mouth!
who took it home,
cut it open
and out rolled
the boy’s head!
So, the fisherman did what he did with all the interesting things he found inside the fish he caught: he put it on eBay and, after a furious bidding war, it was bought by a little old lady, who cleaned it, polished it up and used it as a bowling ball.
As for the boy,
don’t feel too sorry for him.
He soon forgot he’d ever had
a head and lived happily—
and headlessly—
ever after.
THE END
Tarzan the Monkey Man
Tarzan the monkey man,
swinging on a rubber band.
Along came Superman
and kicked him in the garbage can!
The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family
PART 1
THE END
The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family
PART 2
THE END
The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family
PART 3
THE END
The Very Bad Holiday
THE END
The Very Bad Guide to Good and Bad
Little Bad Riding Hood
Once upon a time, there was a bad little girl called Little Bad Riding Hood.
One day,
her mother said to her,
“Little Bad Riding Hood,
your grandmother is
very sick.
Would you
do me a favour
and take her
this basket of food,
drink
and vital medicine
without which
she will surely die?”
And Little Bad Riding Hood said,
“No.”
THE END
Peter, Peter, Junk-food Eater
Peter, Peter, junk-food eater
Guzzled lemonade by the litre.
Gobbled jelly beans by the tonne
Ate ice-cream cakes and sticky buns.
He began to grow and swell
And was not looking very well.
He drank a milkshake to quench his thirst,
He groaned
and burped
and then
he burst.
Bad Daddy and the Pencil Sharpener
THE END
Very Bad Knock-knock Jokes
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Poo-poo.
Poo-poo who?
Poo-poo wee-wee.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Poo-poo wee-wee.
Poo-poo wee-wee who?
Poo-poo wee-wee Poo-poo wee-wee.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Alice.
Alice who?
Alice Poo-poo wee-wee Poo-poo wee-wee.
Brian and His Very, Very Very Bad Idea
THE END
The Very Bad Builder
Once upon a time,
there was a very bad builder.
Everybody would say to him,
“Can you fix it?”
and he would say,
“No,
I can’t.”
THE END
Badword Puzzle
CLUES
Across
1. Not good (3)
2. Wicked (3)
3. Naughty (3)
5. DAB backwards (3)
6. Shoddy (3)
8. Faulty (3)
9. Imperfect (3)
10. Terrible (3)
11. Off or sour (3)
13. Disobedient (3)
14. Harmful (3)
16. Rotten (3)
17. Putrid (3)
18. Good-for-nothing (3)
Down
1. Evil (3)
3. Rhymes with sad (3)
4. Dreadful (3)
5. Rude (3)
6. Nasty (3)
7. Gross (3)
8. Offensive (3)
10. Misbehaved (3)
11. Useless (3)
12. Worthless (3)
13. Vile (3)
14. Atrocious (3)
15. Sinful (3)
16. Abominable (3)
17. Despicable (3)
The Very Bad Story
Once upon a time, things were bad. Then, things got very bad. And just when everybody thought things couldn’t possibly get any badder, they did.
They got very, very bad.
THE END
The Very, Very Bad Story
Once upon a time, things were very, very bad. And just when everybody thought things couldn’t possibly get any badder, they did. They got twice as bad.
Then they got three times as bad.
Then they got four thousand, eight hundred, and seventy-three and five-sixteenths badder still.
THE END
The Very, Very, Very Bad Story
Once upon a time, things were four thousand, eight hundred, and seventy-three and five-sixteenths badder than the time things were three times as bad as the time things were twice as bad as the time when they were just very, very bad.
In fact, things were SO bad that it made all the previous bad days seem like the good old days, and the memory of those good old bad days made everybody cry and feel very sorry for themselves and feel even badder than
they already did.
But eventually, people started saying, “Hey, we can’t just sit around crying all day and feeling bad. We should try to fix things and make everything good again.”
So everybody got up, wiped their tears away, stopped feeling sorry for themselves, and tried to make things good again.
But it was no use. The more they tried to make things good again, the badder things got. Things just got badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder.
THE END
Very Bad Plane, Ship, and Bread Van Riddles
Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
Q: Why did the ship crash?
A: Because the captain was a loaf of bread.
Q: Why did the bread van crash?
A: Accident investigators believe that it was due to a combination of factors, including high winds, icy roads, a dirty windscreen, brake
failure, four flat tyres and an indicator malfunction (plus the fact that the driver was a loaf of bread).
Killer Koalas from Outer Space Page 2
