The Girl With Two Lives

by Angela Hart

  Contents

  1 ‘They couldn’t cope with her a day longer’

  2 ‘I didn’t mean to do that’

  3 ‘He might get a knife and stab you!’

  4 ‘I’m not staying here’

  5 ‘I’m very pleased with what you’ve achieved’

  6 ‘How can I be good?’

  7 ‘Women are angels and men are horrible’

  8 ‘I want to be the good Danielle but sometimes the bad Danielle won’t let me’

  9 ‘Keep your hair on, Angela!’

  10 ‘We must be gluttons for punishment!’

  11 ‘I’m glad you’re sitting down’

  12 ‘It’s your job to worry about kids like me’

  13 ‘I think we’re all doing well. We’re on a roll!’

  14 ‘You don’t know anything about me, Angela’

  15 ‘What’s she done now?’

  16 ‘I. Want. To. Forget. Geddit, Angela?’

  17 ‘I’ll be out of your hair soon’

  18 ‘I AM LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO STAB YOU WITH!’

  19 ‘What is wrong with Danielle?’

  20 ‘Am I coming back to you?’

  21 ‘Will you always keep in touch?’

  Epilogue

  1

  ‘They couldn’t cope with her a day longer’

  The first thing I saw when I opened the front door was a large cage containing a scampering hamster.

  ‘Oh!’ I exclaimed. ‘I wasn’t expecting that!’

  A short, stout girl with a shiny forehead and an untidy cap of black hair was staring at me warily from behind the cage. I could only see the top part of her wide face but it was clear from her expression she wasn’t happy, and she certainly wasn’t smiling.

  ‘Well I never!’ I grinned, trying to break the ice. ‘I don’t know who to say hello to first!’

  I looked from the girl to the hamster, and then to the female social worker who was standing behind them. The social worker gave me a friendly smile and said hello but the girl continued to stare at me suspiciously. The hamster stopped scampering for a moment and pressed its twitching nose up to the bars of the cage to have a long, hard look at me. Its eyes were very dark and marble-like – small versions of the girl’s, in fact – and for a moment I felt rather intimidated at having two sets of watchful eyes trained on me like this.

  I took a breath and reminded myself of one of the many truths I had learned about fostering over the years: however you feel as a foster carer, it is always much more difficult for the child than it is for you, especially at the very start of a placement.

  ‘Come on in, Danielle. What is your hamster’s name?’

  Danielle didn’t reply and didn’t move and her social worker, Susan, helpfully offered the name Scooter.

  ‘What a great name!’ I said. ‘I like that. We’ve been looking forward to you arriving, Danielle, and it’s very nice to meet you and Scooter, and you, Susan. Can I help carry the cage?’

  Danielle shook her head very slightly. She seemed a bit confused, which is often the case when a child arrives at our door.

  ‘It’s OK. I like having pets around the house. Do come on in!’

  Encouraged by Susan, Danielle slowly stepped into the house, wrapping her arms even more tightly around the cage as she did so. Now I could see that she was not just stout; Danielle was extremely large for a twelve-year-old girl, and she caught her elbows on the doorframe as she bundled herself and Scooter into the hallway. I led the way through to the kitchen, where Danielle looked shiftily around the room before tentatively placing the cage on one end of the table. When I invited her to sit down she perched herself awkwardly on the chair closest to the cage, crossing her arms in front of her and hunching her shoulders forward, as if to hide as much of her body as she could.

  I didn’t know very much at all about Danielle at this stage. As well as being passed by Social Services to take in foster children of all ages, my husband, Jonathan, and I are specially trained to look after teenagers with problems that make it difficult for them to live with mainstream foster carers. We had many years of experience and had encountered all sorts of specialist needs over the years, but of course each child brought a unique set of issues. We didn’t know what Danielle had difficulties with yet, but this was not unusual. Nor was it out of the ordinary for us to be asked to take in a child with specialist needs who was not yet a teenager: it was, and still is, a case of getting children who are in care into the best possible foster home available at the time, as quickly as possible.

  I’d received an initial phone call from our support social worker, Nelson, earlier that week, asking if we could potentially take Danielle in for a short period of respite care.

  ‘Her foster family is struggling and need a break,’ he had said. ‘I’ll get more details as soon as I can. Would you be willing to have her stay this weekend, Friday through to Sunday night?’

  ‘That’s fine,’ I said after quickly checking with Jonathan. ‘We’ll be happy to have her.’

  We had been fostering for twenty years at that time. Despite only being asked to take Danielle in for the weekend, Jonathan and I were well aware that respite care could extend beyond the short period Social Services hoped it would cover. We were very used to that and didn’t mind the uncertainty, and that is still the case today.

  On many occasions we’ve taken in a child for one weekend and they have subsequently come to us for respite care every weekend for many months or even longer, and some have ended up moving in full-time.

  Our previous placement – a child of sixteen who had been with us as a ‘stepping stone’ for a few weeks whilst awaiting a flat of her own – had moved out just days earlier. It was highly unusual for us to have no children at all under our roof, and, before Nelson called, Jonathan and I had been toying with the idea of going away for a few days.

  ‘There goes our mini-break!’ Jonathan had grinned after Nelson’s call.

  I didn’t even have to ask if Jonathan was being serious, because he and I very rarely refuse to take in a child. We only ever say no if we feel we genuinely can’t help, or if we don’t think the child will fit in with those already in placement. Once, a child came for an introductory visit while we already had two other children living with us. The atmosphere was very tense in the house for the whole time she was staying, and we decided it would not be beneficial to the others to agree to have her move in permanently. Our instincts proved to be right: when she left, the other kids breathed a sigh of relief and told us that the girl had been spitting on them and bullying them behind our backs.

  In all the years we’ve been fostering we have never had a holiday away on our own together, but this has not bothered us. The weekend breaks, caravan trips and holidays abroad we often have with the children are always really good fun – well, nearly always! And we also have our flower shop to consider. We’ve been running the family business throughout all the time we’ve been fostering, ever since we took it over from my mum in the eighties. The shop is attached to our town house and is in a parade on the fringes of the town, which is very convenient. Our assistant and friend Barbara has been with us for a long time and is very flexible and willing to do overtime whenever we need cover. To this day she is forever telling us she’ll ‘hold the fort’ if the two of us ever need to get away for an extra break on our own, but the truth is we rarely have the opportunity and we still find it impossible to say no when we know a child needs a home.

  ‘There’ll be plenty of chances for weekend breaks in the future,’ I had said after Nelson called, and Jonathan gave me a knowing smile and said he couldn’t agree more.

  Even after two decades of non-stop fostering, and with both of us in our fifties, we stil
l felt a familiar, positive wave of anticipation whenever a new placement was discussed. We thrived on the challenge of taking in another child, whatever problems they may have, just as we still do today.

  By the time Nelson called again a couple of days later it was mid-morning on a weekday and Danielle was now on the emergency list, as her placement had broken down.

  ‘She’s on her way to the office with her social worker, Susan, and all of her belongings,’ Nelson had explained. ‘She was excluded from school yesterday and her foster carers – or should I say former foster carers – said they couldn’t cope with her a day longer. The fact we were in the process of arranging respite care didn’t help. They had had enough, unfortunately. Now Danielle needs an emergency placement.’

  Social Services generally try to avoid taking a child to an office like this, but sadly it happens from time to time, when there is really no other option. Jonathan and I agreed that Danielle could come to us within the hour. The fact Nelson had said that Danielle’s former foster carers had ‘had enough’ was concerning, but certainly did not put us off in any way. The very idea that a child of twelve was without a place to call home was very upsetting, and we both wanted to help as much as we possibly could.

  People have often asked us how we can take on children we know virtually nothing about, other than the fact they have ‘issues’ and need specialist help.

  ‘Whatever problems we might be inviting into our own home, we’ll never be in as bad a place as a child needing a foster home, and particularly one who is on an emergency list,’ I have said many times. ‘You have to be optimistic. You have to think what you can offer the child, not what may go wrong and how they might affect you.’

  Those words flickered through my head now, as I looked at Danielle sitting at our kitchen table. Jonathan was introducing himself to her politely and she was giving him a steely stare and saying nothing. The hamster cage was emitting an unpleasant smell of stale, damp straw, and as I stepped towards her and asked Danielle if she’d like a drink I realised she didn’t smell very good either. There was a noticeable odour of urine and stale sweat surrounding her and I could see that her hair was in need of a good wash. Her clothes were grubby and didn’t fit properly, and she had what looked like yesterday’s black eyeliner smudged under her eyes.

  You need to be optimistic, Angela. You have to think what you can offer the child.

  Jonathan busied himself with putting the kettle on as he asked Danielle what her hamster was called. He got no reply at all and Susan intervened, saying, ‘Danielle, shall I tell Jonathan the name of your hamster?’

  When no reply came again Jonathan cheerfully said that he didn’t want to be told the name.

  ‘Let me guess,’ he said playfully. ‘Is it a boy or a girl?’

  He paused then filled the silence.

  ‘He looks like a boy. Is it Norris? Or Barry?’

  Danielle didn’t crack her face.

  ‘Oh, I’ve got it! Of course! His name is Justin Timberlake, isn’t it?’

  Danielle rolled her eyes and gave a little snort, but at least it was a reaction, and Jonathan immediately started asking her whether she liked Justin Timberlake, and if not, then what music did she like?

  ‘I like Robbie,’ she mumbled eventually, very reluctantly.

  ‘Oh, a Robbie Williams fan? Angela likes him too. I think if you’re lucky I might be able to find some Take That CDs. I think they might be in the car . . .’

  As Jonathan tried his best to keep the one-sided conversation going, Susan took me to one side to give me the standard paperwork handed over whenever we take in a child on respite care. This generally contains emergency contact numbers and some basic details about the child, such as their date of birth and the type of care order they have in place. Danielle was under a full care order, which meant Social Services had overall responsibility for her, and Susan explained she had been in care since she was five years old. The foster carers whose home she had just left were meant to be her ‘forever family’, meaning the plan had been that Danielle would stay with them until she was at least sixteen and ready to live more independently.

  ‘Danielle moved in with her forever family at the start of the last school holidays,’ Susan said. A quick calculation told me Danielle had been with the family for less than two months. ‘She went back to school this week but was excluded yesterday morning,’ Susan continued. ‘The family say the last twenty-four hours have been impossible and they simply can’t keep her any longer. I’m afraid I don’t know the details of her exclusion as yet.’ She then explained that Danielle was at a school for children with specialist needs.

  ‘The priority is to find another suitable school that will take her. At the moment I have no idea where that will be, so of course I can’t tell you how long we’ll need you to have her staying with you.’

  ‘It’s fine,’ I said, glancing over at Danielle and Jonathan, who were both peering into Scooter’s cage and talking about what kind of food he liked to eat. ‘We’re used to that, of course. We’ll wait to hear more from you, Susan.’

  ‘Thanks, Angela. I’ll be in touch as soon as possible, and good luck. I don’t know what we’d have done if you hadn’t agreed to have her at such short notice. I really am very grateful, and I have to say I admire you both.’

  The compliment took me by surprise and I felt a little embarrassed.

  ‘Thanks, and it’s just as well I’m not allergic to hamsters!’ I joked, as it was the first reply that came into my head.

  I said this a little louder than I planned, and just at a point where Jonathan and Danielle had fallen silent. They both looked up and, much to my delight, Danielle smiled at me, albeit ever so slightly.

  2

  ‘I didn’t mean to do that’

  Once her social worker had gone and I’d shown Danielle the bedroom she’d be staying in while she was with us, she asked if she could put Scooter in her room and then have something to eat.

  ‘Of course, sweetheart. Shall we clean out his cage first? And how about a piece of fruit?’

  ‘Can we do the cage later? I’m starving. I didn’t have any breakfast. Can I have a bowl of cereal?’

  I agreed that she could have a small bowlful, so it wouldn’t ruin her lunch, and told Danielle that she could choose from the selection in the cupboard. It’s often a good idea to invite a child to help themselves, as it makes them feel more at home and less like a temporary visitor. She seemed happy with this, and after insisting on taking Scooter up to her room she looked through the cupboard containing the cereals.

  ‘You’ve got a lot to choose from,’ she said, taking her time and examining every packet very carefully. I got the impression she was feeling nervous and a bit awkward, which was understandable and perfectly normal.

  ‘I like cereal,’ I told her. ‘I’m trying to lose some weight and I think it helps if I have a good breakfast. Stops me snacking on biscuits before lunch.’

  Danielle suddenly fixed me with a stare. ‘Does your husband like you more when you’re thinner?’

  ‘Goodness me!’ I smiled.

  I didn’t want to get involved in a conversation along these lines with a twelve-year-old girl I’d only just met. In a jokey voice I said, ‘We’ve been married for more than thirty years and I think it’s safe to say that Jonathan doesn’t really mind – or notice!’

  ‘I wish I looked like . . . her!’ Danielle said.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Her!’

  She had turned to face the middle of the kitchen and was pointing into thin air.

  ‘Who are you talking about, sweetheart?’

  Danielle looked dazed and disorientated. I thought she must have been feeling more stressed and anxious than I’d realised, but then she grabbed one of my low-fat cereals from the cupboard and hastily pointed to a tall, slim lady in a red bikini.

  ‘Oh, her. I’d like to look like that lady too,’ I said. ‘Do you think if I eat enough of that cereal I will transform int
o her, like magic?’

  I gave a little laugh and Danielle joined in.

  ‘Actually, I’ll have this one,’ she said, pulling a different box of cereal out of the cupboard.

  I gave her a small bowl and a spoon, fetched a jug of milk from the fridge and set it down on the table.

  ‘Can I have sugar?’

  I paused for a split second, wondering if I should tell her that we always liked to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, but before I could decide if this was the appropriate time or not, she added, ‘Please?’ herself, very politely.

  ‘Of course. And thank you for asking so nicely. Here’s the sugar dispenser. It comes out quite fast, so just be careful.’

  ‘Thank you. I will.’

  With that I set about tidying the kitchen worktops, though there really wasn’t much to do. I just thought it might be better if I pottered around rather than sitting at the table with Danielle, which might make her feel uncomfortable as I wasn’t eating anything.

  She filled her bowl, poured on the milk and then I spotted her giving me a little sideways glance, as if checking to see if I was looking at her or not. I glanced away and started sifting through a stack of junk mail that had gathered in the corner of the kitchen, by the door leading to the hall.

  ‘Would you like to bring Scooter back down here?’ I asked. ‘I think he’d like to have a nice clean cage, so we could sort that out after you’ve eaten your cereal?’

  It can be quite tricky at first, making conversation with any new child who comes to stay. You can’t ask anything remotely personal about their family or previous home or life in case it might upset them, trigger bad memories or provoke them to say something they weren’t ready to say. In Danielle’s case I didn’t want to ask about school either, given that she’d been expelled and it was clear from what her social worker had said that the full facts about what had gone on were still being investigated.

  ‘Oops!’ Danielle said suddenly, in a slightly over-exaggerated tone.

  I turned my head just as her bowl of cereal went crashing to the floor. It smashed on the tiles, splattering milk and soggy pieces of cereal everywhere.