Sad Love

by Mj Fields

  “Stop it,” she pulled away from him.

  “You asked for it earlier, and then you went and danced with the new guy, did you not expect this to end up this way? What the hell Tessa, you really enjoy pushing my buttons” his eyes were red showing anger. “Yeah this can be done, I won’t be treated like this!”

  “You pissed on me,” she screamed at him.

  “You got in my way!” he yelled back.

  She sat on the bed and cried, and he watched her knowing he screwed up...again. He walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. When he came out he found her cured up in a corner.

  “Tessa, I’m sorry,” he said, “I’ll leave, you stay here.”

  Lucas started to walk away and she grabbed his hand, he looked at her.

  “I love you,” he said softly.

  She lay down, and he lay next to her, “Don’t you EVER do that again.”

  He kissed her, “I won’t, I promise.”

  They both passed out. The next morning she woke and looked around the room he was gone. She ran a bath and grabbed towels. The night before was a blur, but she remembered the key points. She lay in the big Jacuzzi tub, and he walked in with flowers. She looked up at him.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “They’re beautiful,” she looked at them, yellow roses and white daisies.

  “Can you forgive me?”

  “Yes, can you forgive me?” she said.

  “For what?”

  “I don’t know-- dancing with that boy?” she said confused. “Or whatever else I did that made you so angry”

  “I don’t know,” he smiled shyly. “Maybe if I can get in with you, I will”

  She didn’t say no, and he was naked and in the tub in less than thirty seconds.

  He pulled her onto him and kissed her she kissed him back. They made love.

  She laid at the pool for most of the day studying for finals. And at night they went to dinner and hung out neither of them drank.

  Her phone rang at three in the morning it was Ryan, “Jade’s water broke.”

  “Are you really going?”

  “Of course. My flight leaves in two hours” she smiled, “You’re not mad, are you?”

  “No, I guess not,” he said rubbing his eyes.

  “You go back to sleep sleepy head,” she kissed him.

  “I can’t, I’ll take you,” he stood up.

  “I already have a cab coming,” she smiled.

  “But you first,” she said as she pushed him down.

  He smiled and shook his head, “You’re the best baby.”

  He walked her to the door, and they kissed, “Fly safe.”

  ~

  Jade and Ryan welcomed their third child into the world an hour after Tessa arrived, it was a boy and they named him Jackson Ryan. He looked just like Ryan.

  His phone chimed

  -Baby Jackson is here, and he looks just like his Daddy, I miss you already…LT

  She went home and made a return flight, she was going to surprise him. She slept for a few hours and showered and left for the airport.

  ~

  When she arrived at the hotel, they were all in the bar. Lucas was dancing with the wives. She sat at the bar and watched as they rubbed up against him and he just looked at them. He gave them no smile but his eyes, his eyes always showed everything. Tessa knew he was enjoying himself.

  Jessie saw her sitting there and walked over, “Your boy’s, drunk.”

  “I see that,” she said and looked down.

  The song was ending, and one of them grabbed his face and kissed him, he dipped her and pulled his face away from her. They both laughed, and he walked her over to her husband. They stayed there and talked for awhile. The wife Tammy stared at Lucas the whole time. She saw her whisper in his ear and he laughed and shook his head no and turned and walked towards the bar, she saw him shake his head, clench his jaw, and flare his nose. The same way he looked at her, when he was turned on. He was five feet away from her and ordered a shot.

  Miguel walked up and whispered in his ear, and Lucas’s eyes widened and he looked down at Tessa who was sitting on a bar stool with her head down.

  Lucas walked up to her and smiled cautiously, “You came back.”

  She didn’t look at him, but he saw her eyebrow rise.

  “And you’re pissed,” he scowled.

  She didn’t respond, he lifted her chin, and she looked at him.

  “Would you be, Lucas?” she asked.

  “Yeah I guess so,” he hugged her.

  “Then don’t do that again,” she said sadly.

  “I won’t,” he picked her up and kissed her.

  ~

  They walked to the room, and he slowly undressed her and laid her on the bed, she was exhausted.

  “Lucas I’m tired,” she said quietly.

  He kissed her neck and down her body. She moaned, and he pleasured her until her body crumbled into a perfect pile of pleasure. He lifted her up and softly kissed her breasts and slowly pushed into her she wrapped her arms around his neck as he thrust faster and faster into her. She felt her body turn to jell-o, and he rolled her over and dragged her to the end of the bed. He pushed into her hard, and she gasped. He held her hair with one hand and wrapped his arm around her waist with the other and stimulated her as he continued to slam into her. He felt her tense up and try to pull away, but he held her tightly to him. He pulled out, laid her on the bed, and kissed her as he moved into her again and again. He finally finished, and she couldn’t move. He lay on his back panting, as she fell asleep.

  ~

  They landed in Ithaca and walked out of the airport hand in hand. She had forgiven him, and he accepted. She was his forever, and he knew it.

  Tessa was finishing her last two clinical’s and still teaching her class. She was busy with her family and friends. Phoebe was pregnant. Jade and Ryan had little Jackson and another on the way, and Tessa was very excited for both of them. She had surprised Lucas with a trip to Virginia Beach for his birthday, and they were joined by several of his team mates.

  In April, Lucas was getting offers from several other teams, Tessa wanted him to stay put, but he wanted to entertain the offers. He flew to Tampa Bay and talked with them. And to Wisconsin for a deal he was interested in. He talked to coach Brown a lot about what he should do, his advice meant a lot to Lucas. When he got a call from the 49ers Tessa thought it was like Christmas for Lucas, it was finals week for her and the day he was meeting the niners, she couldn’t miss.

  “I haven’t asked you to go to the others Tessa, but this is the one I want. Is school really that important in the grand scheme of things?”

  “Lucas I have one final, that’s it,” she said quietly.

  “Fine but after we get married, I want you with me. You can teach your silly little exercise class or whatever, but I don’t want to be lonely because believe me Tessa I don’t have to be,” he told her.

  “I love you,” she smiled as his flight was being called.

  “I love you,” he kissed her.

  “Three days?” She said looking down.

  “Yeah,” he kissed her again.

  “I’m going to miss you,” she grabbed his waist and pulled him closer to her.

  “Good,” he smiled down at her.

  She walked to the ticket counter and booked a flight to go see him tomorrow after her last final. Her return flight was perfect she was able to get one in first class with him, although it cost her a ton it would be worth it to see that smile she loved so much. She was going to surprise him and then she would travel with him and enjoy his smile all the time. She understood that was what he needed it always had been, to just have someone to love him. He was needy, but almost five years later it was still her that he needed and wanted, her broken boy now a man.

  ~

  Tessa walked into the lobby and got the concierge to give her a key, she had to show him pictures, and ID and even a copy of their wedding invitation, but it worked… she had
a room key. She brought a bottle of wine and a basket of lotions.

  She opened the door and snuck in and set the basket on the table of his suit. She heard music from the bedroom, and she took off her coat and dress, she had a hot black piece on she knew he would love. She opened the door and froze.

  Lucas was standing over a brunette pounding into her from behind.

  “Harder, Links,” she was yelling over and over again.

  He laughed, “Any harder baby, and you’ll be through that wall.”

  She stood up and pushed him down and got on top of him.

  Tessa couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move, but tears poured out of her eyes, and she finally willed herself to move and she ran out and grabbed her clothes and quietly slipped out the door. She started to walk away and decided that wasn’t going to happen. She texted him

  -I have a surprise for you what room are you in?...LT

  He didn’t respond, she called his phone, he didn’t answer. She leaned against the wall pissed and then tears started to fall, no fucking tears, for him again. She wiped her face and sent him another text.

  -I’m in San Francisco to see you Lucas, what room are you in?...Tessa.

  -sorry, just got this are you really here are you in the hotel?...LL

  -Yep …Tessa.

  -I’ll meet you in the lobby baby…LL

  Five long minutes later the door opened and he kissed the girl goodbye.

  “Sorry, something came up,” Lucas looked across the hall and Tessa was standing there.

  “Tessa,” his jaw dropped. “Baby, it’s not what you think.”

  Tessa turned to walk away.

  Lucas grabbed her, and pulled her into him.

  “No, no, no,” he said and his eyes filled with tears.

  The girl left.

  “Take your hands off of me you disgust me,” Tessa sneered. “What do you have to say Lucas?”

  Lucas looked terrified, “You can’t leave me, Tessa. I love you.”

  Tessa laughed and all of the sudden felt dizzy, she ran in and grabbed the garbage and threw up. He pulled her hair back and she pulled away. She walked with the garbage into the bathroom. She shut the door and crumbled to the floor. She grabbed the towels and screamed into them. He knocked

  “Tessa let me in.”

  She washed her face and brushed her teeth with his toothbrush and pulled her hair back. She opened the door and walked past him; she grabbed her bag and walked toward the door.

  “What was going on in here Lucas?” she asked calmly.

  He looked terrified.

  “I asked you a question.”

  He shook his head, and she walked towards the door.

  “Where are you going to go?” he asked softly.

  “Away from this scene,” she started to cry again, “How could you do this Lucas? How could you?”

  Tessa screamed and her body shook, and she couldn’t stop it.

  “Did you fuck her?” She screamed, she wanted, no needed him to say it.

  He shook his head no, but his eyes showed otherwise.

  “Tell me Lucas, say it!” she yelled.

  “Tessa, come sit down… please?”

  “I can’t believe you,” her voice was barely a whisper.

  He started walking her to the bed

  “I don’t think so,” Tessa cried.

  “I’m not going to do anything Tessa,” he said softly, “Not until you are ready, not until we can make this better.”

  Lucas looked at her and looking in his eyes she knew that he was searching, and she couldn’t give him what he needed ever again.

  He grabbed her and picked her up.

  “Let go of me,” she said as he approached the bed, “Don’t you put me on that thing, let me down!”

  He walked to the couch, “Baby.”

  “Don’t you ever call me that again,” she glared at him, “Ever!”

  “Okay,” he sat. “Tessa, what can I do?”

  “I think you know the answer to that. I need to leave. I can’t look at you right now and you smell like cheap perfume, and I saw you Lucas,” she threw the room key at him, “I couldn’t move-- I saw you and heard you and…. I need to leave.”

  Tessa stood up, and Lucas grabbed her she pushed his hands away.

  “Tessa, I’m so sorry, I love you I don’t know what I was thinking Tessa. I wasn’t thinking, damn it, please look at me!” he stood up and punched a hole through the wall. “Shit!”

  His hand was bleeding. Tessa grabbed his hand

  “You’re an idiot.”

  “I know,” she squeezed his hand, and he flinched.

  “Go take a shower. I can’t even look at you; you smell…you smell like her!”

  “Will you be here when I get out? Please Tessa,” he pleaded.

  “I’m going to take you to the hospital,” unbelievable, she thought.

  He went to shower, and she tried to keep it together. She had to just for now, get him through this…she laughed at herself, you’re fucking pathetic Tessa!

  ~

  They walked back into the hotel. He stopped at the desk, and she stood back. She had completely avoided eye contact with him, she felt like she was going to lose any sanity she was holding onto.

  They gave him a room key. They walked into a different room, and their baggage was delivered. She was on the phone when he walked out of the bathroom.

  “Yes, room 2072, Thank you,” she hung up.

  “Tessa thank you,” he hugged her.

  “Lucas I am trying to keep it together, don’t touch me,” she pulled away.

  “Are you tired?”

  “I don’t know what I am.” She looking down and started to cry. “I don’t even know who I am right now.”

  Lucas cried too, “Is there anything I can do Tessa? Please tell me I can fix this, I don’t want to live without you.”

  “You’ll figure it out,” she said and walked into the bathroom with her bag.

  She took a shower and cried. She wanted desperately to run home. She wanted her mom to hold her, and cradle her, and rub her head until she fell asleep. She was going to fall apart. Then she cried even harder knowing that he needed someone too, and he had no one. Tommy was gone, his parents…God his parents couldn’t help him, they never had before. And finally she cried knowing the pain she was going to have to swallow until she could make it better for him. The boy who knew love because of her, the boy who she knew had loved her a long time ago. The same one who ripped her heart to shreds every time she felt it would get better.

  When she walked out he was sitting on the bed rocking himself back and forth. He looked the same way he did when he sat on her bathroom floor, when they’d talked about Sadie’s pregnancy. The same way he did at camp after he had slept with Sadi while living with her family. And she was that same stupid girl who held him together when he looked like he would crumble apart.

  “Lucas you’re going to be fine,” she sat next to him.

  “You can stop trying to make this better for me Tessa, I know I’ve lost you, again,” he said softly.

  There was a knock at the door, and Tessa got it, it was his pain medication. She grabbed a bottle of water and handed him a pill.

  “I don’t want that. If I take it I’ll fall asleep, and you’ll be gone,” he put his head back into his knees.

  “Lucas we’re not okay, we will never ever be again. I love you even though right now it makes me sick to say it, I’ll always want you to be okay. I’ve spent five years of my life loving you, it’ll get easier but it probably will never go away,” she was crying again, and he hugged her.

  “I don’t deserve you, I never did,” he said.

  “And that was your problem the whole time,” she looked at him. “Take this, we have the same flight home, and I really don’t have anywhere to be right now.”

  “Can we sleep?” he asked looking down.

  “Yes,” she lay down. “She was in my nightmare, Lucas.”

  “Why di
dn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t know that this…You and I both know it wouldn’t have mattered,” she said, and they fell asleep.

  ~

  When she woke up she was laying on his chest with her body wrapped around him. He was still asleep and she watched him, not moving. How was this going to pan out, how would she go on without him. She cried again and he woke up feeling her tears on his chest.

  “Are you awake?”

  She didn’t move she wanted to stay here and not let go, she loved him so much.

  “I’m going to fix this if it takes me forever, if not there is no reason to be here,” he whispered.

  She didn’t move and she couldn’t let him destroy himself, but she couldn’t do this. She fell back to sleep and had the same dream.

  “Tessa wake up.”

  He kissed her, and she kissed him back she climbed on him and whispered please in her sleep as she clung to him.

  “Baby wake up,” he said, and he started to tear up again, “Damn it Tessa, I can’t tell you no, baby wake up!”

  Tessa opened her eyes and sat up.

  Her eyes widened, and she felt him beneath her. “Lucas.”

  “I tried to wake you up,” he looked hurt.

  She hugged him and cried, “Why?”

  ~

  They sat on the plane next to each other. She felt him watching her the whole time; she fell asleep and woke in his arms.

  She quickly sat up, “Sorry”

  “I’m not,” he said. “Not about holding you anyway.”

  They drove home and walked into the house

  “Now what, Tessa.”

  “Lucas, you have finals next week,” she said quietly.

  “Like I give a shit about finals, you’re the one who was all about finishing school, hey think about this… if you were with me none of this shit would have happened. Finals,” he said he was pacing and clenching his hands, “Fuck that… oh, and were you checking up on me?”

  “No Lucas, I was trying to surprise you,” she walked outside.

  He walked out the door, “Which one of us is leaving, Tessa?”

  She looked confused, “I haven’t even thought about that.”

  “Don’t you fucking cry,” he walked inside.

  Tessa changed and went for a walk, and when she came home he was gone.

  ~

  “Where are you?” she asked when he answered the phone.