Sad Love

by Mj Fields

  He smiled, “Everything we’ve ever done has been.”

  “So I should leave.”

  “No, not tonight Tessa you promised.” She rolled her eyes, “You don’t break promises, I do. Not tonight please.”

  He stood up and took her hand and led her to their bedroom, “Lucas I don’t want to go in there.”

  “That bed is awful.”

  She stopped and looked at him, “I can’t”

  “Please Tessa just one more night and then I promise to leave you alone I promise,” he said.

  He looked lost, and she was broken already. He turned on his iPod and hit a couple buttons and placed it on the base.

  “My playlist” he smiled and looked down.

  The song, Hurt by Nine Inch Nails played, and her heart burst apart, she changed the song every time it came on. She didn’t want him to ever leave her alone even after everything he had done to break her she still loved him with everything she was. He was wonderful and awful at the same time, no one had ever made her feel so special and loved, no one has ever made her feel so needed or desired. Still after she knew every rotten thing he had done the good still shined through all of it and she loved him anyways.

  “Tessa where is your head?”

  “I don’t know anymore.”

  “Will you stay tonight, please?”

  She shook her head yes and held his tightly as she cried into his neck...

  “I know I don’t deserve it but thank you.”

  “Please don’t do that, Lucas,” she sobbed. “I’m not perfect. I’m actually pretty pathetic. I need you now more than you need me. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you and I need you tonight Lucas. This isn’t out of pity, or any false hope of us ever working out because we won’t. I need the boy I fell in love with the one who touched my heart and almost every part of me,” she said and smiled and wiped away tears, “before I ever even knew what it could possibly feel like, before I ever knew how much I needed him, and right now Lucas I need you to know that I’m grateful I met you and loved you, and was loved by you. I will never hate you –ever. No matter what. You need to promise me that you’re going to be okay forever, hurt or angry or in need of fucking every one you come in contact with I need to know you’re going to be safe, and try to be happy and opened to the love you made me feel. Lucas --I love you anyway.”

  She grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head and took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. The way he looked at her was unfamiliar. He stood there and let her undress him and looked nervous and scared. She knelt down, and started kissing his stomach and hips.

  He pulled her up, “No, Tessa.”

  He lifted her shirt up and undid her bra and kissed her breasts. He pulled her bottoms down and she stepped out of them. He stepped back and looked at her and took a deep breath.

  “You’re absolutely perfect, Tessa.”

  He lifted her up, and she wrapped her legs around him he slowly moved into her and she breathed out. Slowly, deeply he pushed into her and with each thrust she closed her eyes tighter.

  “Don’t close your eyes Tessa, please look at me,” he kissed her neck.

  “Is this okay?” he asked softly and she shook her head yes and kissed him he continued slow deep thrusts, and she arched her back

  “Tessa, I love you so fucking much. I am so sorry Baby. I never wanted to hurt you. How could I hurt you? Of all people,” he whispered against her skin.

  He walked to the bed never pulling out of her and sat on its edge. He moved into her, and her hips met his. His hands lightly caressed her body, as she slowly kissed him. He rolled her to her back and held himself up with is one good hand and moved in and out of her until her body quaked. He watched her face and saw how much pleasure and pain in her eyes that never closed. She watched him the whole time. He pulled her up and spun her around, so she sat on him with her back against his chest. He couldn’t look at her and see in her eyes what he had done to her. He kissed her neck and rubbed her beautiful locks of hair with his face. She took his hand and placed it on her chest, and he rubbed them softly until finally he started to tense he turned her to face him and he moved a little faster as she held his face in her hands until he finished. She kissed him, and he buried his head in her neck.

  “I’ll remember this moment. Always.” He picked her up and walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

  She watched him light candles they had never lit before and he washed her body and kissed her the entire time.

  They lay in bed naked wrapped around each other and fell asleep.

  Nose to nose.

  Lips to lips.

  Shattered heart to shattered heart.

  When Lucas woke she was gone.

  Lucas Links,

  I hope you don’t mind I’m going to have to send someone up to get the cabinet.

  Thank You for everything,

  LYA,

  Tessa

  This was it.

  He had lost her.

  CHAPTER 26

  Tessa was lost and empty. She had only been able to force herself to sleep for a few hours. She tossed at turned most of the night before conceding to her pain. She walked down to the falls and sat seeking the calm she had always felt as she watched the water spill down the rocks. She thought about the past five years, and her memories flew by.

  The first time she saw him looking at her and how annoyed she was by him, the first time she kissed him and their first real kiss, the many girls she had to defend herself against, the first time he truly broke her heart and the realization that she loved him. Lucas moving in and her desire to take care of him. Meeting his mother, and then his father. She was going to miss his sisters and Audrianna. Sadie’s fake pregnancy and then her real one. Toby and his death, the day she took him to the hospital when his and Sadie’s baby was born and died. Tommy… sweet, sweet Tommy. The weddings that he had been involved in and the births. Jenny and SU. His proposal and his second one. The loss of their own child and the hurt she knew he felt too. The first time they made love and the thousands of others. The pain when she saw him in San Francisco and the beautiful perfect last night they shared together. She knew he loved her, and the realization that he would probably always hurt her. She realized that she has relied on him to fill her. The emptiness and the burning in her heart that he could fix like he had many times is what she needed now. Right now she just wanted his arms around her forever.

  She got up and walked in the house and showered she got dressed and drove back to their house and walked in.

  She yelled his name, and he ran down the stairs.

  “Tessa--- what is it?”

  “Ask me now” she cried and wrapped her arms around him, “Lucas I love you. Ask me now.”

  “Tessa,” he whispered.

  “I love you, and I don’t want to do this alone, I need forever and always anyways, just ask me now please Lucas,” she kissed him. “I don’t want anything but you. I will go with you and stay with you forever Lucas, I can be who you need me to be.”

  Tessa hugged him and jumped in his arms. “Take me back to our bed, Lucas.”

  Tessa jumped down and started to walk up the stairs.

  “Tessa don’t go up there,” he grabbed her hand holding her back. He closed his eyes tightly and growled.

  “Okay then right here,” she started to take her shirt off.

  “God Damn It Tessa, you….fuck! I am not even close to being what you deserve…”

  “This shower is getting cold Links,” she heard from upstairs.

  Tessa looked up, and it was the girl from San Francisco. She looked and him in shock, and before she could move she felt her knees wobble.

  “WHY!”

  He scooped her up in his arms shaking and trying taking deep breaths trying to stop himself from losing it completely, “Sorry Tessa, I knew I couldn’t do it alone.”

  He walked her outside and put her in his vehicle and buckled her in. His hands shook and his hear
t raced, “I am going to take you home, she is going to leave, and I will come get you Tessa and then forever okay?”

  “No,” she yelled, “Not even a day? God what was I thinking?!?! After last night Lucas? No, no, no, no!”

  “I was thinking you meant what you said Tessa,” he squeezed his eyes shut, “I wouldn’t…FUCK!”.

  “What an idiot I am, you must think I’m just… I don’t care take me home and forget about all that, I am so done. Turn around and take me to my Jeep,” She couldn’t even think her head was spinning. She grabbed her head hoping to stop it.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea Tessa,” she opened the door, and he pulled her back, “Don’t do shit like that.”

  “Then take me back there-- now!” she yelled and frantically wiped the tears from her face.

  “Why?”

  “Because I will never step foot in that house again. I don’t want to see you ever again. What the fuck is wrong with me?!!” Tessa pulled at her hair and screamed

  He turned around, and tears fell down his face, “Do you know what it’s like fucking up over and over, Tessa?”

  “I sure do,” she screamed. “Take me back now!”

  They pulled in, and she jumped out and ran in the garage. She grabbed her field hockey stick off the shelf and started beating the car parked in her garage. He ran in and grabbed her.

  “Don’t do that Tessa” he said, “Come on… that’s not you.”

  “Let go of me and go fuck your whore!”

  “I’ll tell her to leave,” he held her tighter as she tried to pull away.

  “Put me down!” she yelled.

  “Lucas do you want me to call the police?” the girl said walking into the garage.

  “No bitch-- call a fucking ambulance you’re going to need one,” Tessa yelled and wiped her nose with her sleeve.

  “No, this is Tessa and she has every right to be upset right now.”

  She looked confused, “So you’re going to let a crazy girl beat on my rental?”

  “She and I just split up after five years of her being perfect. She has every right to be upset.”

  “Okay… whatever,” she said and walked in.

  “Get out of my house, whore!” she screamed and tried to lunge towards the door.

  “Tessa” he whispered, “Stop.”

  She pulled free of his grasp and ran out of the garage and he followed.

  “You’re not driving,” he grabbed her arm.

  She pulled it away from him “You’re not telling me what to do!” She shut the door and locked it. Lucas tried to open the door, and then stood in back of the Jeep, “MOVE!”

  “Tessa, you’re not driving!”

  “Take a mental picture Lucas, cause you will never see me again, look who I have become: one of your crazy exes!” Tessa put the Jeep in drive and peeled out across the yard and through the field and around until she got on the driveway. He followed her down the road and pulled into the farm behind her. She ran in the house, and he followed.

  “Get the fuck out!” she screamed.

  “John, Tessa is having a really hard time right now, because of me. She needs you all now more than ever.” Tears streamed down his face. “I’m truly sorry for the pain I’ve caused her, and as much as I would do anything to fix it I know I’ll continue screwing up. It’s who I am, please take care of her. Tessa I am truly sorry for causing you any pain, I should have never treated you like that I hope you can forgive me,” she slapped his face.

  “Fuck you! I don’t need your dirty used up whore speech, I’m not like them,” she yelled.

  “No Tessa you never were,” he said trying to stop the flood of tears “I’m so sorry.”

  “I HATE YOU!” she lunged at him and John held her back.

  Lucas walked out the door, and Maggie grabbed Tessa. John followed him out.

  “Lucas…. son… we need to talk.”

  “John I love her, and I respect you all enough to walk away.” Lucas started to shake.

  “Lucas I have watched you change in five years, you’re a good man, who happens to have a long road ahead of him. I am going to ask two things from you. The first is to not go back to who you think you were. You were a kid who was pretty much alone. You fought for everything you have become, don’t throw that away. In five years, I want to see you alive and healthy and happy. You’ve taken good care of my daughter up until lately. You were there when I wasn’t able to be emotionally for her and for that I thank you. The next Lucas, is to let her go. She’s hurting, this person in my house right now is not the Tessa I raised. She is pieces of her, we need to put her back together, and I thank God that we as a family are in a much better position to do that now.”

  “I get it, but how, I love her with everything I’m the good and the bad. How do I do it?” he pleaded, “Just tell me and I will please, damn it, just tell me!.”

  “Lucas I know you think she is the end all be all. But you wouldn’t even have the desire to look at another if she was. When I met Maggie,” he smiled, “I wasn’t perfect in any relationship before that, but when I met her the whole world could have stopped turning, and I would have not for one second noticed. She was all I needed from that day on. I wasn’t perfect, and after five kids, we lost our connection. She left and was going on dates, and I can honestly tell you I never once thought of doing the same. Lucas when you meet that person you’ll know immediately. You’ll never need another.”

  "I felt that way when I met Tessa," he said softly. “It could have been that way with her.”

  “Lucas you need time to reflect and evaluate your past and really see what you want for your future. I heard from Jose that you were going to San Francisco. I think that’s a good place to start.”

  “You’ve been like a father to me I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am,” he said looking down.

  “Anytime you need something you call me, your part of this family now and I wish I could get you through it, but my Tessa needs me,” he said.

  They hugged, and Lucas left. John walked in the house and sat on the kitchen floor and pulled her into his arms and kissed Maggie,

  “Daddy is he going to be okay?” she asked quietly.

  “Yes honey, you both are.”

  ~

  Lucas got home, and Tipper was still there.

  “What the hell was that?” she asked.

  “The past five years of my life,” he said.

  “Do you love her” she asked.

  “Yes the absolute best I know how,” he said, “I’m fucked up, this is what I do, I don’t want to love anyone again.”

  “So why am I here?”

  “To fill a void,” he laughed.

  “Do you want me to stay?”

  “No, but a blow job would be nice,” he said and grabbed a beer and a pill. “But that’s all it’ll be.”

  "I'm game," she smiled.

  “I don’t give back.”

  “I don’t care,” she went down, and he felt nothing at all, just numb.

  “What the hell?”

  “That ever happen before Links?”

  “No,” he said looking embarrassed.

  "I think she broke you," she smiled. “I’m going to go, when you want to see me call, but make sure that’s working.”

  ~

  Lucas was in shock, “Jose, if you get a chance or have a few minutes stop over.”

  Jose stayed with Lucas . And Tessa with the exhausting help from her mother passed her boards. She’d been working as a student nurse at a hospital in Ithaca. She was now licensed and worked every chance she got. Lucas had the piano delivered to her a week after the split, and she had mailed her jewelry to Audrianna for safe keeping. They both knew how the other was doing, and they did not try to contact each other. Jose would return Chewy every time he ran back to Lucas’s which was every day sometimes more.

  ~

  “Hello,” Lucas said with a sad smile in his voice.

  “Hi,” Tessa said.
r />   “Is everything alright?”

  “Well yes and no. I think we need to talk about the dog.”

  “Okay,” he said.”Do you want me to come down?”

  “No, we can do this on the phone.”

  “Okay, what’s up?”

  “He wants to be with you.”

  “He’s yours.”

  “Lucas… he’s going to get lost or hit or taken.”

  “He isn’t going to get lost,” he laughed.

  “Okay but what if he gets hit, he wants to be with you.”

  “Tessa I am leaving in a few weeks, but HE needs to stay put.”

  “Lucas, please, he hates me,” she said sadly.

  “No, he doesn’t you saved him.”

  “No Lucas you saved him, I just loved him.”

  “Are we still talking about the dog, Tessa?” he asked in a serious tone.

  "Yes," she said defensively.

  She was, but it fit with them too.

  He laughed, “Ok.”

  “So will you take him until you leave?”

  “Will you come with him, until I leave” he asked playfully.

  “Lucas stop it, besides you’ve got someone to meet your—needs.”

  “No, that whole thing didn’t work out” he laughed.

  “Oh I’m sorry,” she said sarcastically.

  “You should be, you broke it, as a matter a fact I think you should come up and see if it’s really broken or just misses you.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Well hello Chewy” he said, “Your dogs here.”

  “It’s not funny, are you sick?”

  He told her the story, and she tried not to laugh, but he could hear it in your voice.

  “Lucas, you might want to get that checked out.”

  “Can you come get him Tessa?” he asked. “Jose isn’t here, and I promised your Dad.”

  “Sure.”

  Tessa brushed her teeth and put on a tank top and tight shorts, she was finally down to the weight she when they met… actually, about eight pounds less.

  ~

  She pulled in and walked to the door and knocked, Chewy barked and he opened the door.

  “Come on Benedict,” she grabbed his collar.

  He growled at her and ran upstairs.