Sad Love

by Mj Fields

  “Tessa he wasn’t the one. You’re going to find someone honey,” Maggie wiped away tears.

  Tessa knew her Mom held guilt about the choices Tessa had made during the families split.

  “I left your father because I wasn’t in love with him anymore,” Maggie said softly, “I never stopped loving him or any of you.”

  “Mom, I know it’s not about that…”

  “Please let me talk Tessa,” Maggie swallowed hard.

  “I made those choices you didn’t,” Tessa rubbed her mother’s hand.

  “Your father and I loved each other immensely. When we dated he was so attentive. He made me feel like I was the world, and in return I did the same for him. He was beautiful, kind and adored me. After we got married and bought the farm we immediately had Molly. I gave everything I could to be the best mother and wife I could be. He worked very hard to support our family, but we drifted apart. I had all of you, and he had the farm. I took care of our children, and he was never around. We lost our connection. When you all went to school he was still busy, and I was lonely. When I went to work after a year of arguing when we tried working together. He asked me if I wanted another baby. I was angry and hurt. I believed he felt I had not given enough to him. I tried to talk to him about not being in love anymore, and he was hurt and that hurt showed in anger. He looked at me differently. He didn’t even try Tessa. I reached out to him, and he was so angry he stopped talking to me. Someone at work told me I looked beautiful once, and that broke me,” Maggie said with tears in her eyes.

  “Dr….” Tessa started.

  “Yes Tessa, Dr. Feel good,” Maggie rolled her eyes.

  “Sorry Mom,” Tessa looked down.

  “No, that’s fine Tessa. I told your father I missed that. In desperation, I told him. I believed he would see me again. Well he didn’t see anything but his wife as a cheat. I never let anything happen. Noah, the Doctor would never have pushed me. Any way’s I could not see him look at me like that anymore, so I left. We never discussed anything he let me go. He did not fight for me. So I left. I had told him I would rather be alone than lonely with someone. I was serious and still would choose that over feeling the cold hugs, wondering where the kisses went, and sex….well I will spare you the details. When he bought the hot tub I was angry. I had mentioned it many times and he would roll his eyes, so I move out, and he gets something I thought would help rekindle the spark we had lost,” Maggie was staring out into the back field.

  Tessa’s giggle caught her attention, “Well it works, I witnessed that spark first hand Mom.”

  “Tessa Ann Ross!” Maggie snapped.

  “Well I did,” Tessa smiled at her mother.

  “I knew that was his way of reaching out. I had gone on a few dates, and he was not John. It wasn’t comfortable there was no passion. That was because I knew there would never be another John. I didn’t have relations with him. Every moment with him made me miss your father more. I’m telling you this Tessa because Lucas is not what you need. He would never be able to be with another if he was. You showed him a love he had never known, and I’m not talking about sex I’m talking about love. You need to accept that and be happy you left him better than when you met him. Ask yourself if you could ever truly trust him again. And could Lucas ever respect you enough to be faithful. Without trust and respect what will you ever have? I believe those two things were what your father and I never lost. You’re going to find someone who loves you and would never look at another but not when you’re looking for him. My prayer for you is to heal, forgive him, forgive yourself, and open yourself up to receive love again,” Tessa and Maggie hugged.

  “I love you, Mom.”

  They sat on the deck sipping tea and reminiscing about the Cape until the sun went down.

  ###

  A Look Ahead at

  True Love

  Book 4 in the LOVE series

  It was sunny, and eighty five in early September in Upstate NY as Tessa Ross drove south on interstate 81. She was finally taking a break and heading up the house her family owned: a gift from their Aunt’s estate after her death four years ago on the Cape. Seven hours to drive with just her dog Leia and her thoughts of what has happened over the past five years of her life.

  It's fine, Tessa thought to herself, I’ll be alright. She plugged her iPod into the Jeep and thumbed through, until she found her strong girl playlist.

  How could anything be wrong when Abba was blasting and Dancing Queen was all around her? She pet her black shaggy labradoodle and noticed how badly she needed a haircut.

  “Sorry girl, I should’ve thought about this last week, but we’ll find a place girl, a doggie spa that’ll make you the prettiest pooch on the Cape.”

  The phone rang, and it was Phoebe. They had been best friends since their senior year and now Phoebe was her sister in law. Tessa pushed the hands free button, and the music stopped.

  “Hey Phoebe, what’s up?”

  “Not much, what have you been up to I haven’t talked to you in a week?”

  “Just busy, you know working a lot, what have you been up to?” Tessa asked.

  “Just hanging out, have you talked to Lucas?”

  Ouch that hurt, she could feel the heat in her throat moving up.

  “I talked to him yesterday… he’s doing alright, he seems to think he’s going to change and fix us,” Tessa gave a forced laugh and continued, “but that’s why we’re here. That among other things, but it is what it is.”

  “Hey you know you didn’t have to send me money. I know it wasn’t your plan to call the wedding off.”

  Tessa knew she didn’t have to send her attendants money, but there was no way she would have felt alright with them having paid for the dress and shoes they bought to wear once.

  “Well I thought I could buy them from you, you know have a big party when I get home from my vacation. We certainly could use something to start the bonfire with.”

  Tessa and Phoebe both laughed,

  “Vacation? Where did you decide?” Phoebe asked.

  Tessa laughed as she remembered that she hasn’t even told her Mom she was leaving today.

  “I am on my way to Cape Code, Leia, and I are on 81 about to get on 88, headed to the house there and no one is going to be there all month, I just needed to get away you know.”

  “Wow… a month, huh? You sure you can afford that?”

  Tess knew she was asking out of concern, “I don’t have any bills-- Phoebe.” Or anything else, “I’m going to be fine; I’ve been saving for a year now and slamming the overtime lately so I’ll be fine for a few weeks, as long as I avoid too much retail therapy.”

  Phoebe knew that Tessa used humor to get through many of life’s uncomfortable situations.

  “Tessa I’m here for you, I know we haven’t talked this week, but I have been thinking about you. I want you to know I love you, and I think you made the right decision,” Phoebe said sweetly.

  Tessa responded softly, “Thank you I know you’re here, I know you’re busy too. Hey, if you need to get away I’m just a seven hour drive.”

  “Hmm… with Alex working on the farm and me taking online courses I just may take you up on that. But you know… I do have baggage,” Phoebe rubbed her pregnant belly as she laughed. “You should probably ask Jade.”

  Tessa laughed, “Maybe we could make it a girls getaway, you guys could swing by the farm and grab my gown, and bring yours along, we could go out all dressed up in them and then come back to Aunt Ann’s’ place and jump in the ocean in them. You know mess the dress, maybe we could have Laura come up and take photos.”

  “Hey Phoebe… I have to start paying attention to where I’m going so I will talk to you soon ok? Oh and my parents think I am headed here on Monday so don’t mention it to Alex ok? I just wanted to avoid the emotional see you soon.”

  Phoebe promised her lips were sealed. They briefly talked about making some sort of plan. As Tessa was exiting to get on 88 south they hung up an
d Aretha’s RESPECT blasted through the car.

  Tessa laughed and patted Leia “Five more hours’ girl, and we’ll be there”.

  Phoebe got off the phone and tears formed in her beautiful green eyes. She could not believe what was happening to Tessa. She wanted to kick Lucas right in the balls for what he’d done to her friend, her sister. She was thankful she was pregnant because if not she would probably wind up in jail! Calm down she said to herself as she rubbed her stomach, just 8 weeks and she’ll be ready to meet this little bundle of joy in her belly. She was a little concerned that Tessa may not be emotionally ready to coach her during labor. Oh boy …or girl. She walked into the room that was decorated in tan and light green, no paintings or boarder yet. A chair rail was on the wall opposite the dark cherry crib with the space above waiting for a border that will give the room gender identification.

  Tessa turned up the radio as she got on the I-90 Massachusetts turnpike. Pearl Jam filled the car.

  “Ok Leia… we need to pull off soon and find a place for us both to go to the bathroom and get you a drink, half an hour tops,” she promised her faithful companion.

  Tessa started singing along with Eddie Vedor. “Everything has changed absolutely nothings’ changed, so true!”

  I should be moving to Seattle. Yeah… about four years ago when Lucas was in his dorm room with Jenny sucking him off.

  Nothing As It Seems played, and she continued to drive.

  Leia whined, and Tessa realized it had been over an hour since she promised her furry friend they would pull over. Tessa pulled into a rest stop, and they got out. She walked Leia around and finally Leia settled on a place to do her business.

  Tessa cleaned up after her and realized this is not something either of them was used too. At home, Leia would go to the wooded property edge, not attached to a leash. “Lots of changes ahead girl, but we’ll adjust together. We mean, bitter, bitches.” Tessa opened the back of the jeep and put Leia in and opened a bottle of water pouring it carefully into her dish so that it wouldn’t spill.

  She walked into the building and towards the restroom. Tessa hated public toilets, probably because her Grandmother’s always wiped down and lined them and talked about all the germs and diseases she could get if her backside touched the seat even for a second. As she stood above the toilet she was envious of Leia, this would be easier if I was on four legs. She flushed the toilet with her foot and grabbed some paper towels and put them under her arm so she could wash her hands, dry them off, shut off the water and open the door without getting nasty germs on them.

  “Love you Grandma Mary and Grandma Martha, you taught me well!” she whispered as she left the restroom and deposited the paper towels in the garbage outside.

  It was nearing seven PM, Leia and Tessa had just about had enough of the road trip. The GPS spoke the directions, and Tessa listened intently. About 30 miles from MA 25E and then about half an hour from their destination. Traffic wasn’t that busy and Tessa was glad she had timed it so that she would avoid rush hour and her planning was impeccable for a Thursday arrival.

  She decided to phone Kendall to let her know she was almost there.

  “Hey we are about 30 miles from Ann’s place on the Cape,” Tessa sang to her younger sister.

  “When did you leave?”

  Kendall was a feisty blonde, as were all of her siblings. She had crystal blue eyes and lived life to its fullest. Kendall loved to travel. She planned to take yearly trips to some pretty amazing places. Australia was her first.

  Tessa’s family had inherited the Cape House when Ann had passed away. They loved the beach and planned to visit when they had long weekends. Tessa traveled too much with Lucas to have the time to come with her family. This was the first time she had been to the Cape since her beloved Ann died. Her family rented the house and made enough to pay the property taxes and maintain it so that people would want to continue renting, year after year.

  “I left about 7 hours ago, decided to not sit around and wait till Monday, which I planned perfectly since the traffic is great right now. I was wondering if you could text me the security code.”

  Kendall sent the code to Tessa’s cell, and they chatted making plans for Kendall to come and hang out for a weekend. She missed her family; although she had been living home since the breakup, she worked too much to really enjoy them enough. Ever since she could remember, she’d been on Lucas’s schedule. He was not blatantly controlling, but his mood worsened when he was asked to do family things instead of hang with his team mates or friends. Unless of course he felt he was losing her. Tessa hoped they would all come up soon, it would be nice to be with them.

  She found the house wasn’t exactly as she remembered; each time someone visited they made some sort of improvement. Tessa pulled into the parking area in front of the houses. The parking lot was shared with the neighboring homes. Leia jumped out. They walked to the door with a couple bags in arm and walked into the back porch. It was the entire length of the house, about 50 feet and all screened in. They opened the door, and Tessa knew immediately that this would be a perfect place for Leia to lounge when she needed to run out and do errands.

  “Wow Leia, look at this, we won’t need to put you in a cage when I need to give you some big girl time,” Leia wagged her tail and sniffed around. She seemed pretty happy.

  Tessa punched in the code she laughed as she did knowing where this combination of letters and numbers must have come from. They entered and saw how much the place had changed since Ann had passed away. She immediately knew things were going to be fine, it still felt good being here.

  The floors were tiled in the huge kitchen to the left, to the right a study and a bathroom. The study use to be Ann’s room. The entire floor plan had been opened up. The kitchen was stainless with white cabinets and granite countertops that looked like slate. There was a large island with a stove top and small sink, opposite them was seating for five people which opened up to the dining room, which opened to the enormous living room with a beautiful fireplace. Tessa looked past the living room and saw the most amazing scene. Off of the Living room there was a patio area that was about thirty feet deep. It had been just a small deck before. Off of the black concrete stamped patio, a yard that was about thirty feet and all fenced in with a white picket fence with a small gate leading to the beach, this was new as well, Tessa thought.

  “Let's go Miss Leia; you’re going to love this!”

  They walked out and saw the outdoor kitchen with beautiful Adirondack furniture scattered everywhere. There was not a soul on the beach, very private, and as beautiful as ever. Tessa opened the gate, and they walked to the water. The sun was going down, and she stood in awe of this beautiful peaceful scene. What a blessing this place is, and always had been, a perfect place to heal.

  Tessa yelled “Jump in, girl!”

  Leia was off like a light, she ran to the water and splashed around she seemed SO happy to be here. All the splashing reminded her that she needed to use the bathroom. They walked to the yard, and Leia shook off and began sniffing around. Tessa latched the gate and walked up the yard to the patio. As she entered the house, she realized that the center of the second floor had been opened, and had a balcony. There were four other good size rooms and of course the center room which was the master bedroom. The master’s balcony faced an entire wall of windows that looked out over the beautiful Atlantic Ocean. To the left, a lighthouse on a peninsula of rock not far from here.

  Tessa entered the master bathroom, and looked in the mirror. Her hair was all pulled back into a very sloppy bun held together with a large black clip. Her makeup was worn, and a bit smudged. She wiped it with her ring finger; she looked down at it and saw the light indentation that she wore like a scar. It’s going to heal she thought it’ll be fine. She released her blonde hair from her clip, and it hung to the middle of her back. She combed it with her fingers, as the long waves relaxed, she felt the tension release from her scalp.

  “Ok girl�
�� let's grab our stuff from the Jeep, I bet you’re hungry, huh?”

  Tessa and Leia walked to the back of the house, and she saw a small black convertible sports car pull in.

  Through the window, she saw they driver hit the steering wheel as if he was angry. Leia barked and distracted her from the man in the car.

  Tessa was throwing on her shoes when she heard a knock at the door, she jumped and her overly protective pal growled and barked. She opened the door and was face to face with the man from the car. They starred at one another for a moment in uncomfortable silence that broke when Tessa could no longer stop herself from smiling, he was beautiful.

  “May I help you?” Damn he was cute, brown messy hair shaped his chiseled face and square jaw.

  “Hello I’m Collin, and I think you’re in my parking spot, do you drive the navy Jeep?”

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t realize…”

  Collin was clearly uncomfortable. He loosened his tie, and cleared his throat stopping Tessa mid sentence.

  “Yours is second row third over,” he very quickly turned to walk away.

  “Alright, I was just going out to grab some things, I’ll move it now,” Tessa talked to his back.

  She wasn’t sure if he’d heard her, and when she glanced at him walking away her eyes froze on his backside, Good Lord.

  She grabbed her keys as she walked out the door. She patted Leia’s head and told her to stay.

  Collin was in his car and sat back and ran his fingers through his brown hair. Tessa watched him as she pushed the button unlocking the Jeep and got in to move it. Thinking he was attractive was clearly an understatement. He was beautiful, perfect actually. She wondered what his eyes looked like behind the dark aviator glasses he sported. It had been awhile since she had looked at a man other than Lucas and had these thoughts. Must have been the long drive listening to all those high school songs, and remembering the old days. She knew that what she needed was not to fill the hurt with fantasies about the vision in the black sports car. Tessa jumped out and grabbed the rest of her things, and went inside.