All a Man Is

by Janice Kay Johnson

  “You left him to spend the night in jail?”

  “Juvenile hall.”

  “Still.” Her voice was smaller.

  “We’ve bailed him out.” Alec’s jaw flexed. “Over and over. This time, we can’t even say he was under the evil influence of a tough crowd of kids. It was a deliberate act. I don’t know that he consciously hoped to be caught, but I think that’s exactly what part of him wanted to happen. ‘See what you made me do?’ Another year, he’ll be in high school. Once he starts school here and kids get to know him, patterns will be set. He has to suffer consequences before he can decide whether the behavior is worth it. Now is our best chance to stop this before it’s too late.”

  It was a long, long moment before, to his relief, she nodded.

  They were in the kitchen. Weren’t they always? That was where he most often found her and where she automatically led him when he arrived. In the case of the duplex, it gave them the best chance of going unheard by the kids in their bedrooms.

  “Liana?” he asked.

  “I called Andrea and asked if Liana could spend the night. She dashed home and packed a bag. I walked her back over there.”

  All he could think was that she’d then been exposed out front, lit by streetlamps in the dusk. But what was he going to do, ask her never to step foot out of the duplex?

  He’d thought he was leading these people he loved to safety in Angel Butte, and instead he’d introduced new danger into their lives.

  Maybe. There was still the possibility of an idiot with a gun. Alec wished he could believe in that explanation.

  “I saved some dinner for you,” Julia said, suddenly brisk. “Let me warm it up.”

  “Did you eat anything?”

  Refrigerator door half-open, she went still. “I don’t know if I can.”

  Emotions roiled in his chest. “You eat, I’ll eat.”

  “All right,” she said after a minute. Not until she’d reheated the pot roast in the microwave and served them both did she ask whether Matt would have gotten dinner.

  Alec wanted to lie to her, but tried not to. “Probably not. He won’t have been processed until long after mealtime. I’ve got to tell you, the idea of his stomach rumbling a little tonight does not fill me with sympathy.”

  Julia bowed her head enough he couldn’t read her expression. “No,” she said even more quietly.

  They ate in near silence, him keeping a surreptitious eye on her. Had he done the wrong thing tonight, coming down hard on Matt, who was, after all, her son and not his? She’d given her consent—but she hadn’t known what he had in mind. Unless Matt was referred for diversion, he would now have a juvenile record. The cop in Alec thought, It’s past time. That didn’t mean the uncle didn’t hurt for the eager, happy boy he’d known until this past year and a half. The boy who had briefly reemerged the day at Elk Lake.

  “This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t sent him to his room so damn brusquely,” he said into the silence.

  “No, it wouldn’t.” Julia’s ready agreement was like a slap. Until her eyes met his and she said more slowly, “Instead, it would have been the next time either of us made him mad or hurt his feelings. Which we wouldn’t be able to help doing. His instant rage is not normal. I wish I understood it. What I do know is that we can’t, oh, tiptoe around him. I think I’ve been doing too much of that. I’ve let him become a bully, in a way. He takes pleasure in terrorizing me, and even Liana sometimes.”

  She sounded so troubled, Alec desperately wanted to make it all better. The intensely protective part of him didn’t like knowing that so far he had failed.

  “It would be easier if I didn’t know the anger comes from pain,” she continued. “But I can’t fix that if he won’t talk about it.”

  “No.” Alec had to clear his throat. “I keep thinking—”

  Eyes steady on his face, she prompted, “You keep thinking?”

  “That sooner or later he’s going to break and it will all spew out. He’s a kid. How long can he hold in whatever’s bothering him?”

  She gave the saddest laugh he’d ever heard. “It’s been a year and a half and counting.”

  “But he’s getting angrier.”

  “Yes. It’s like a poison, spreading through him.” Julia gave herself a little shake. “That’s melodramatic. Don’t listen to me.”

  “I always listen to you,” he said hoarsely.

  She looked at him, startled, and for the longest time they only stared at each other. Alec was suddenly excruciatingly aware that they were alone, as they so seldom were. Not just alone as they’d been that night in the restaurant, but alone as in no kids, no people at the next table, no bustling waiters. Alone as in her bedroom was thirty feet away.

  “Julia...” His voice was still...not his usual. A rasp.

  He’d swear she hadn’t blinked. Her eyes seemed huge, dominating her face, the color never richer or more mysterious.

  “What?” she whispered.

  He shouldn’t do this. Couldn’t stop himself. It was as if he’d run to the end of his endurance. Or maybe he’d broken, the way he hoped and feared Matt would.

  “Do you think of me as a brother?”

  Now she blinked a couple of times, quickly. “A brother? Not...exactly.”

  “Do you see Josh when you look at me?” His voice turned harsh with this question, one that cut deep for him.

  Tiny creases formed on her forehead. “No. I told you. I think I used to. I thought you were like him, but since he died I’ve been discovering how very different the two of you were.”

  “Physically?” God, what if she said yes?

  “No.” Her color had heightened, either at the implications of her admission or at whatever she read on his face. “You have the same coloring, but...no. Never.” Her gaze dropped to his hand, fisted tightly on the table, then rose back to his face. She swallowed, but also lifted her chin. “Why are you asking?”

  “You haven’t guessed?” He was afraid if he moved he’d fall on her like a starving animal. He should have done this more smoothly. Have an exit strategy, remember? Instead, God help him, he’d boxed himself in. “I’ve been afraid I’ve given myself away a hundred times.”

  “You...haven’t.”

  He couldn’t remember the last breath he’d drawn or that he’d seen her draw. She might be afraid to move, too. What did that mean?

  “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time.” He turned his gaze away for a minute, afraid to see horror on her face. But when he looked back, she was still staring, and her lips had parted slightly.

  “Me?” she whispered.

  “Yeah. Damn it. I didn’t—I don’t,” he corrected himself, “want to jeopardize...” He ran out of words. Groaned.

  Her teeth closed briefly on her lower lip. She closed her eyes, then opened them again. “I want to kiss you, too.”

  “I was determined not to pressure—” Were his ears ringing? “What?”

  Suddenly she looked shy. “Don’t make me say it again.”

  Dumbfounded, he was probably gaping. “You’ve been thinking about me that way?”

  She nodded, still shyly.

  “Julia.” Alec shoved back his chair and stood, holding out a hand to her.

  She stared at his hand as if it were a stick of dynamite, but after a moment she rose, too, then hesitantly reached out. His much larger hand engulfed hers, fine-boned and quivering slightly. He gently drew her toward him, his gaze never wavering from hers.

  She came to a stop a few inches from him. He gazed down at her face, eyes downcast, the fragile skin of her eyelids increasing his awareness of her vulnerability. He would give anything not to hurt her. Was this a terrible idea? But then her eyes met his again, and he was lost.

  He bent his head, slowly, givi
ng her time to back away if she was going to. But to his astonishment, she lifted her hands to his chest and flexed them, just a little, but enough to send a shock of pleasure through him.

  “Julia,” he said again, low and husky, and touched his lips to hers.

  The kiss was as gentle and unthreatening as the one a mother might give a child. He lifted his head to see her holding very still, eyes closed now, face raised as if to the sun. Alec made a sound and covered her mouth with his again, this time more urgently. He licked her lips and they parted. His tongue stroked inside, tasting dinner and her, sliding over her tongue. Distantly, he was aware that she’d risen on tiptoe and her hands had crept up, one to grip his nape. His arms had closed tightly around her. He lifted her higher, finding the perfect fit, reveling in the slender body and subtle curves he’d wanted to touch for so damn long. His hands seemed to have a mind of their own; one tangled in her hair while the other stroked up and down her back. God, he wanted her. It took an extreme effort of will to keep from rocking his hips against hers.

  Take it slow. The kiss was a gift, a dream. He didn’t want to blow it.

  He had no idea how long it lasted, only that he never wanted to let her go. Even so, he eased back on the throttle, gentling his mouth, nibbling on her plump lower lip and touching his tongue to the dip in her upper lip, nuzzling her, finally separating their mouths entirely but resting his forehead against hers.

  He felt—God—better than he’d ever felt in his life. But something else threatened his exultation, an emotion he didn’t want to acknowledge. Fear of the damage he might have done?

  Or shame?

  Ridiculous.

  “That was a long time coming,” he murmured.

  Her “Yes-s” came out as a sigh, a breath he felt as much as heard.

  Finally, he had to lift his head and look at her. All he could think was how beautiful she was, with her fine-textured skin that didn’t seem to tan beyond a hint of gold, a fan of lashes only a little darker than the maple-syrup shade of her hair and those amazing eyes. He’d noticed before how the color seemed to change depending on emotion; when she was angry, the gold predominated. Right now, gold striations only accented a green more vivid than he remembered seeing. She appeared dazed, slumberous.

  Unguarded, they stared at each other. He couldn’t help wondering what she saw on his face. Please, not Josh. Hell, what if she was comparing them?

  She’d said she was long past that, but...how could she help it, when he was her dead husband’s brother?

  The disturbing reminder allowed him to step back. Confused emotions formed an indigestible wad in his belly.

  “I’m not going to push you.” That sounded loud and abrasive. He frowned and lifted a hand to run his knuckles over her cheek. Her skin was so smooth, almost childlike. How she’d kept it that way under the often brutal Southern California sun, he’d never know. “I want you, Julia. It’s been killing me to know you and the kids weren’t really mine.”

  Now she looked startled. “You mean—”

  “Yeah.” His throat closed. A kiss was one thing. Admitting how much he wanted beyond that, that was something else. He did anyway. “I mean.”

  Her eyes dilated. “All this time?”

  He could tell he’d shocked her. “Not while you were married. I never let myself think like that.” He hesitated, seeing emotions chasing each other across her face, some that echoed what he was feeling. “Let’s go sit down. I think we’d better talk.”

  “All right.”

  This time they went to the living room. She chose one end of the sofa and curled her legs under her. Alec sat on the coffee table, close enough that his knees almost bumped hers.

  Her expression was fascinated, hopeful and, yeah, perturbed.

  Talk, he told himself. No pressure, but he had to get it right.

  “I thought Josh was lucky,” he said abruptly, “that’s all. The past few years, I started feeling angry at him. He didn’t treat you the way I thought he should.”

  “What do you mean?” Her forehead crinkled.

  “Some of what you’ve said. I could see he took you for granted. When I was over, you’d put fantastic food on the table, lay a hand on his shoulder before you sat, as if he was the center of your world, and he hardly acknowledged you. Did he ever do anything romantic for you? Take you out to dinner without the kids, just because? Suggest a weekend in Cabo?”

  Lips compressed, she shook her head. “In the early years, we were too poor. And then, well, maybe it went both ways. By the end, I wasn’t sure I even liked him.” Her eyes had darkened with remembered pain. “Maybe he didn’t like me, either.”

  Alec shook his head, resisting the urge to touch her. “He never said anything like that. My take is, he was happy.” Appalled, he wondered what he was doing. Selling Josh as the perfect husband to her? But he wouldn’t lie to benefit himself, either. “You know our parents. It wouldn’t occur to my father to do anything to let my mother know he appreciates her. Maybe Josh thought that was normal.”

  “Maybe.”

  “I need you to know I never thought of you as anything but Josh’s wife, until he was gone.” He made sure she saw and heard how serious he was. He even thought he was speaking truth.

  Thought—but wasn’t 100 percent sure. How could he be, when so soon after Josh’s funeral he had found himself thinking he didn’t have to find a woman who could measure up to Julia—because Julia herself was now available? Had the hunger for her been there all along?

  Was that where this curdling sense of shame that was souring his joy—I kissed her! She let me! She kissed me!—came from? If so—damn it, that was irrational. Josh was long gone. Nothing would bring him back. Was it so wrong to love the same woman his brother had loved?

  No. Of course it wasn’t. His qualms...were just something he had to get past. He hadn’t even known he felt any such thing.

  Julia searched his face and finally nodded. “I need you to know I never thought of you as anything but a brother-in-law then, too. I’m not sure I was capable of...developing feelings for anyone else. I was too caught up in the kids and a marriage that was disintegrating.”

  “That bad?”

  “Yes. We wouldn’t still be married.” Julia sounded very certain.

  She’d implied as much, but Alec hadn’t really thought about the ramifications. How much of a role could he have taken in her life and the lives of the kids if she’d been his brother’s ex rather than his widow? Oh, damn—another reason to feel guilty?

  He made himself nod in acceptance.

  “Something else you need to know. Whatever you decide to do about this—” he gestured, encompassing them both “—about me, won’t affect my commitment to you and the kids. Okay?”

  After a moment she nodded, but then shook her head. Was that temper glinting in her eyes? “What I decide? Anything between us is...is mutual, surely.”

  “I started this.” I love you. “I could tell I took you by surprise.” She had to decide what she felt for him.

  “You know it’s more complicated than that. Gee, do I want him or don’t I?” She pretended to think. “Yes! I do. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t other factors to consider. The kids. Especially Matt. What would he think? Your parents, and...” Her voice fell. “What would Josh think?”

  That hurt and he couldn’t help lashing out. “Your defense against every decision.”

  “What?” Looking offended, Julia stared at him, chin so high it would have poked him if he’d leaned forward. “I shouldn’t take into account what Matt’s father would have wanted for him?”

  “The man you were ready to divorce?” he said harshly, before his brains kicked in. “Julia...”

  She drew herself back, her spine stiffening. “That’s a low blow. Maybe this isn’t a good time to talk.”

/>   “No! Damn it, listen to me.” He leaned forward. To his shock, she scrunched against the sofa cushion, almost as if she was afraid of him. He held up both hands, palms out, and very slowly sat back. She looked almost as shocked as he felt. It was a minute before he could speak. “You’re right,” he made himself say. “I’ve...let myself feel jealous. I guess I was petty enough to wish it wasn’t Josh you wanted with you. But Liana and Matt are his kids, not mine.” However much he’d been pretending they were.

  Her whole body sagged. “No, it’s not like that, Alec! I don’t want Josh here, not the way you mean. He never was here, when it came to making tough decisions about the kids. Until you, I was always alone in that. It’s... I suppose I was protecting myself. When I reminded us both of Josh.”

  “Protecting yourself?” he echoed, not understanding.

  “From feeling too much for you.” Her gaze slid momentarily from his. “From counting on you too much. I suppose I was, oh, reminding myself that they aren’t your kids, that however nice you were being you didn’t have any obligation for the long haul.”

  “Yeah,” he said very softly, “I do.” He risked reaching for her hand, moving slowly enough she could evade him if she wanted.

  She didn’t. She gripped him as if she was afraid he might let go. “Is that what we are?” Julia sounded halting. “An obligation?”

  Oh, man. He had the worst case of heartburn he’d ever imagined. “You know better than that.”

  “Yes.” She smiled shakily. “I suppose I do.”

  “I meant what I said. I am in this for the long haul, no matter what happens between us. I don’t know how many times I have to repeat myself. There’s no obligation on either of our sides. Got that?”

  Her head bobbed.

  “Okay.” He squeezed her hand and let go. With seeming reluctance, she did the same. “We both have a lot to think about.” He hesitated, then made himself say it. “Maybe we should leave it at that for now.”

  Alarm flared in her eyes. “You’re sorry—”

  “No.” He swallowed. “No, Julia. Never. I’ve wanted more from you for a long time. I still do, but only if you’re sure.” With a grimace, he added, “I recognize that we have to think about the kids. Although I’ve got to tell you, Matt’s tender feelings are pretty low on my scale of priorities right now.”