Shrinking Violet

by Danielle Joseph

  I've never tasted anything so good. I am in heaven.

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  chapter TWENTY-SEVEN

  Good morning, Miami, this is my first early bird broadcast. I feel like I've been running all weekend, but this tune couldn't wait. It was just released and is already number one on the Billboard charts, "The Moon Stops for You" by Gavin Tarn. It's the kind of song that melts in your mouth and lingers on your tongue, leaving you wanting more ...forever.

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  Prom was two days ago, but I'm still walking on air. As soon as I wake up, I pull the photo out from under my pillow. Me and Gavin, bleary-eyed, dancing to the last song, Juice Box's "Spill 294

  Proof." I'm glad I have evidence that the night existed, that and the SLAM webcast.

  Otherwise I still might think it was all a dream.

  I check the call list on my cell. Gavin's name is listed between Domino's Pizza and Mom.

  We're two and a half weeks away from Graduation Day. I'm not sure if I want it all to end. It's funny; in the beginning of the year, I was terrified about being the third person to walk onstage to receive my diploma. Now even if Allison Abel and Phillip Abraham were absent, I wouldn't mind going first.

  I'm finally getting used to being in high school. Maybe this yearning for more leaves me at a good starting place for college, even though Gavin and I will be three hours away from each other. I know we'll see each other on weekends, talk on the phone . . but I'll still miss him.

  Mom's not up when I get to the kitchen. She went out with an old friend from high school last night, one she hasn't seen in ten years. I wonder if ten years from now everyone at Ridgeland will only be a distant memory. Not Audrey and Gavin, of course.

  It's weird. You see certain people practically every day for four years and then, just in an instant, you never see them again. Then and now is only separated by one day.

  I make a couple slices of toast and grab my bag. I've got some unfinished business to take care of at SLAM.

  "Take my car; I don't need it today," Mom calls from the top of the stairs.

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  I grab the keys from the kitchen. "Thanks. I'm off to the station. See you later."

  She waves good-bye. I really hope she comes through with her promise to buy me a car for graduation. I don't care if it's an old clunker; I just want my own ride.

  I listen to SLAM the whole trip. I'm so glad I'll be able to keep working there while I'm at University of Miami. The station is like family now.

  It's much quieter on the weekends. There are no bodies rushing around the sales office and no Pop-Tart up front answering the phones. I find Derek in the production room working on a commercial.

  "Hey, babe." He slides a CD into the player. "How did you know I'd be here?"

  "I've got my sources." And Jason's phone number.

  "I thought you were too hot for Dynamite Derek." He brings his finger to his lips, wets it with his tongue, and makes a sizzling sound.

  I stand in front of him. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

  "Really?" He drops his feet from the edge of the console and sits up straight.

  "Yeah, you're a sleaze, but with some redeeming qualities." Something about my confrontation with Stacy has left me feeling liberated.

  "Gee, thanks." He lets out a fast laugh.

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  "All I'm saying is, if I never went through with the contest, I would've never--"

  "I know, you would've never met your Romeo."

  "Well, that's up for debate because I already had a crush on him, but without the contest, I wouldn't have truly broken free from my mask."

  "Now you've lost me." He puts up his hand.

  "Just wanted to thank you, that's all."

  Derek slaps the label of the commercial onto the CD cover. When he sees me looking, he flips it over.

  "You're welcome." He smiles a real smile, no sleaze. "See you tomorrow, Dynamite Derek."

  I leave him to finish cutting the Viagra commercial. No comment.

  Gavin answers the door in a black Shrinking Violet tee with raised bubbly letters.

  "Hey, where did you snag that?" I ask.

  "I've got connections."

  "Really?"

  He leads me back to the family room and hands me a purple version of the same shirt.

  "For you."

  "Thanks." I hold it up. "I love it."

  "Yeah, I thought you could use a little color." He laughs. "Great, Mom." I sit down on the couch. He plops down right

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  next to me. I lean my head on his shoulder. I'd be content if we could just stay like this forever.

  I look over at the end table cluttered with frames. There's a small one up front of Gavin in a football uniform. He's sporting a huge toothy grin. He looks eight or nine. "You were so cute."

  "Ugh, I look like such a dork in that picture."

  I straighten my back. "You never told me what happened with the coach at school.

  About how he lied."

  "Oh, that."

  "You don't have to--"

  "No, it's okay. It wasn't even really about me, but Reynolds pissed me off. There was this kid on the team from England, Patrick Olsen--"

  "I know who you're talking about." I smile. The kid I used to have a crush on.

  "Anyway, he always busted his ass, more than anyone else. Coach kept on telling him that if he played well, he could make it professionally. Then one day I got to the locker room early and overheard Reynolds talking to the varsity coach, telling him what a loser Olsen was, that if he actually thought he would play pro ball later, then he was a bozo."

  "That's so mean," I say.

  "The guy was a dog. He totally pumped up this kid, then laughed at him behind his back. I didn't want to be around someone like that."

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  "Did you tell anyone?"

  "I spoke with my dad about it. He said it was up to me what I wanted to do. At that point I just wanted out. My dad respected my decision."

  "That's really cool." I rub Gavin's back. "Did you say anything to Patrick?"

  "No, I couldn't. Who knows, maybe he'll prove Coach wrong."

  "Let's hope."

  "Enough of me. Shall we?" He gets up and pops in a Juice Box DVD. We don't move until the concert is over.

  "So what are you doing this summer?" I stretch my legs across his lap.

  "I'll be around, just working at my dad's office." Gavin shifts his arm around me. "How about you?"

  "No plans, really. Besides hanging at the station and doing some volunteer work."

  "What's that?"

  "Reading for the blind."

  He runs his finger over the bridge of my nose and in between my eyes. "Ah, you really learned a lot from Helen."

  "I did. She was an amazing woman."

  He lowers his voice and makes his hands look like claws. "That's awesome. I learned a lot from Stephen King, too."

  "Very funny." I laugh.

  I deepen my voice, too, and say, "Want to go to a party with me on Saturday?"

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  "Will there be blood and guts?" He gnaws at my neck. "No, but there'll be Wiener schnitzel and sauerkraut." I gently press my lips against his.

  "Huh?" He pulls back slightly and furrows his brows.

  "German Club. Don't ask. I promised Kayla."

  "You're full of surprises." He grins.

  "Who knew?" Certainly not me.

  Gavin leans in closer. "I love listening to you."

  "You mean, Sweet T." I laugh.

  "No, actually I mean you, Tere. Whenever you speak, it really means something."

  I reach for his hand and squeeze. "Thanks. That's so sweet."

  "Of course, I love your show, too." He tilts his head and brushes the tip of his tongue against my lips. I close my eyes and gently thrust my tongue inside his mouth. My whole body tingles. I slowly pull out, and he kisses me back. Everything feels so perfect that I'm afraid to stop.

  We hear footste
ps shuffling down the hall and immediately sit up straight. When no one opens the door, we both breathe a sigh of relief.

  I lick my lips, savoring the taste of Gavin. My eyes flit to the pink frame above the TV, and I read aloud, "Don't be afraid to succeed. You might just surprise yourself."

  "What's the thing you're most afraid of?" I run my fingers through Gavin's hair.

  "Not living up to my mom's needlepoint sayings." He laughs.

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  I elbow him lightly in the ribs. "No, really."

  "Not being able to play my music every day." He leans over and brushes a strand of hair from my face. "What about you? What are you most afraid of?"

  I sink into his deep onyx eyes. They're warm and inviting, and the snowball that's been inside me for so many years melts away.

  And I realize what it is I no longer fear.

  Speaking my mind.

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  Reading Group Guide

  ***

  shrinking violet danielle Joseph

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  questions for discussion

  1. Does being shy mean you lack confidence? How much of a role do you believe Tere's self-image plays in her being shy?

  2. What is your initial impression of Tere's mom, Delilah? Does it remain the same by the end of the book?

  3. Tere states, "I'm glad I have Audrey to talk to, but still I can't share everything with her. Not the depths of my soul." Does this change your thoughts on their relationship?

  Should best friends be able to share everything? Do you think that Tere and Audrey's friendship is one that is lasting?

  4. What are your thoughts on the novel's structure considering that the narrative is told from only Tere's perspective?

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  Do you think you would have the same impression of the characters if it was told from a different perspective?

  5. Why do you think Gavin and Tere are so connected? How do you think their upbringing and lifestyle affect who they are?

  6. Considering how shy Tere seems, is Derek's decision to make Tere a prize in a contest inconsiderate? Why do you think Rob went along with the idea?

  7. Was Stacy's anger at Tere justified?

  8. Discuss the theme of wearing a mask in Shrinking Violet. To which characters does this apply, and why?

  9. Did Tere become more self-assured through being a DJ or do you think it was caused by multiple factors? Explain.

  10. Do you believe the book's title, Shrinking Violet, to be an apt description of Tere?

  11. Is there anything about Tere and her experiences that are similar to situations you've had to deal with? Discuss.

  12. What would be the next chapter in Tere's life as she graduates and goes on to college?

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  reader tips

  1. Tere has a real love of music. The music she plays also taps into the emotions she's feeling. Share your top five favorite songs with the book group and what you feel when you play them.

  2. Before your book club meeting, look up your favorite author, tell the group why they are your favorite and share something new and interesting about them.

  3. Helen Keller was a real inspiration to Tere. Read The Story of My Life by Helen Keller.

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  a chat with the author

  1. Was your high school experience at all like Teresa's? Is that when you got involved with radio broadcasts?

  I was shy growing up hut not nearly as shy as Tere. I loved being involved in drama, not necessarily center stage, more on the side. I also had a good group of friends that I felt secure in and was able to express myself within that group. Like Tere, I've always loved music and used to spend hours making mixes. Then when I went to college, I got involved with the radio station and loved being behind the mike. There was something comforting about the fact that I was alone in the studio, speaking to thousands of people that could hear me but not see me.

  2. You mention many types of masks throughout the story. (The mask that radio provides, the heavy makeup that people wear, the transformations of Teresa's mom with 308

  each new boyfriend.) Why do you think so many people are compelled to disguise or hide themselves? Is there a particular mask that you wear? If so, why?

  When people feel insecure about their inner or outer appearance, they often put up a mask in the form of a wall. Some masks help you grow as' a person, while others hinder you because they don't allow you to overcome your fears and insecurities. Sometimes somebody who appears to be really put together is actually hurting inside. Two examples from Shrinking Violet are Delilah, Tere's mom, and Stacy. You really have to unpeel the layers to get to know them. I have always tried not to put up a front and be myself.

  However, instead of wearing a mask, in certain situations, I hid behind my shyness. Going off to college really allowed me to open up. When you come from a small town like me, it's hard to break free of the mold that you are in. Being on the radio, behind the mic, allowed me to "wear" a mask that enabled me to show my true colors in a positive way. By the end of my time at the radio station, I was much more comfortable speaking to people and expressing myself.

  3. With fashion magazines, music videos, and countless other media outlets, it's often difficult for a shrinking violet to find themselves amid all of that manufactured beauty.

  What would you say to the Teresas of the world?

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  I would say the most important thing is to be yourself and not to sell out. You will never find long-term happiness behind a mask. It may not be today, but eventually you will be rewarded for your honesty, for staying true to yourself. If you don't like the way something is going in your life, fix it. Things will not happen overnight, but if you set small attainable goals, you should be able to meet them with success. And don't forget that manufactured beauty is air-brushed!

  4. Tere really seems to love hip-hop (though her loves seem to stretch to various genres, from post-punk to "edgy" tunes). Given your radio involvement, are you a rap fan? Who is your favorite musician? (Who is your PJ Squid? Your Maltese?) I am a big fan of rap/hip-hop music from the old stuff like the Beastie Boys, Run-DMC and A Tribe Called Quest to newer voices like Outkast, Estelle, and Sean Kingston. It's hard to pick just one PJ Squid, or one Maltese, but an artist that I really admire is Wyclef Jean. One of the main reasons is because he does not wear a mask. He is proud of his roots and his heritage and has successfully incorporated his background into his music. He is the total package and gives back to others.

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  5. What inspired you to tell this story?

  I was inspired to tell this story because I think sometimes we box people into certain categories very early on in their lives and that hinders their self-esteem. I don't ever think you should tell someone that if they don't work hard enough, they can't be what they dream of being. Take Tere's mom for instance: If Tere had listened to her mom, she would most likely have never found a home at the radio station, a place where she clearly belongs. If you believe in yourself, that is all that matters. Set your own limitations. Don't let others do that for you.

  6. What do you think initially attracts Gavin to Tere? What about Tere to Gavin?

  While some people might be turned off by Tere's shyness, Gavin appreciates that when she does speak, she usually has something important to say. He is attracted to her because she is her own person. She's not trying to be the same as everyone else. Tere is attracted to Gavin because he too is doing his own thing and she is intrigued by his mysterious nature.

  Of course there is a chemical attraction--she thinks he's cute. Plus, music is a great bonding tool and immediately they both are drawn to each other's taste in music.

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  7. Do you think people like Stacy, Tere's mother, and Derek are partially responsible for Tere's self-discovery? Do you think negativity can have an impact on someone's life in a positive way?

  Yes, I do think a lot of the time people are propelled
by the negativity in their lives to prove those pessimistic forces wrong. It can definitely affect one's self-esteem, but if you are able to turn a deaf ear to the disapproving voices and really focus on your goals, you can push through any barriers that are set before you. At the end of the day, you only have to look at yourself in the mirror.

  8. Do you see Teresa as a modern-day Helen Keller? Do-you see parallels between her transformation and Helen's triumphant story? Why did you compare Stacy to Danielle Steele?

  I think Helen Keller was one of a kind. She persevered against all odds. And for that she serves as a wonderful role model for Tere. Tere was able to gather strength from Helen's story and use that strength to propel her forward. From reading more about Helen's life, Tere was able to appreciate the gifts that she does have and to make use of them. Both Helen and Tere were able to overcome their own personal obstacles and did not let anyone or anything stand in their way. I compared Stacy to Danielle Steele because Stacy is the type of person who would

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  pick an author to represent, solely based on the author's popularity. Stacy wants to be liked and thinks that money and fame prevail over what's inside your heart.

  9. Where did you get the idea for the songwriting contest to win Tere as a prom date? Is that something you actually experienced or witnessed?

  The prom contest idea came from the notion that Tere so quickly dismissed the idea of going to the prom and the only thing that could get her there was her love for her job. She also loves to discover new artists and this was the perfect opportunity for her to do so. I have never been a part of a contest like this but was inspired by the likes of American Idol-- how contests like that are responsible for giving people their big breaks. It's great to see people succeed based on their own merit and that is what happened with Gavin. Just like Tere, the idea of being the "contest prize" would be mortifying to me.

  10. Are you working on another novel? Do you have any more stories of Tere to tell, or do you plan to create different characters? Will the focus stay mainly in high school, or would you ever branch out into an older world?