Trail of the Spellmans

by Lisa Lutz

  1 Generally called Crack Mix—it’s that good. Mom keeps the real stuff in a safe in the pantry so Dad can’t get his paws on it. Dad has access to a “healthy” version, which is basically cereal and raw almonds.

  2 The combo is my father’s birthday, which seems cruel, if you ask me.

  3 I’m not in love with that ritual. I’ve been injured more than once when caught unawares.

  4 I think the greatest act of discipline my father has ever shown is not eating the gavel.

  1 A.k.a. the SF Opera website.

  2 Turns out this was Maggie’s DVD, not Sydney’s.

  3 Sure, a bit ironic.

  4 Whatever the sentence-enhancer that is.

  5 I have to admit that I was pleased this didn’t work. Because that show almost made me cry.

  6 Still in business, as far as I know.

  1 Later discovered that they were in the trunk of my father’s car. Do not have any idea how they got there. And one had an excellent bottle of bourbon inside.

  2 A few years ago I squatted in David’s in-law unit without his knowledge. I was so afraid of getting caught, I barely got a wink of sleep.

  1 See pg. 117.

  1 If you’re interested in a sampling, see appendix. I highly recommend it.

  1 That said, a male impersonator of virtually any female celebrity perks me up.

  2 Whatever the sentence-enhancer that is.

  3 Their cookies are huge (and awesome), so you can’t really eat that many.

  1 Too long a sentence for thumbs.

  2 Everybody has a key, so it’s not exactly high security.

  1 David gave Rae a Chia Pet as a stocking stuffer. Rae tossed the seeds in the trash, scraped a one-inch slot into the terra-cotta figurine, and used it as a piggy bank.

  2 This apparently means that some biodegradable items still end up in the trash.

  3 Both parties, however, agreed that with Rae’s limited ingestion of all vegetation, this switch made little to no difference.

  4 Rae once asked me the very same question, after locking me in a closet overnight. I couldn’t help but return the favor. (Document #4, if you’re curious.)

  1 I would certainly like to know who that is.

  2 I’m fairly certain I stole some candy off of her.

  3 You might wonder why my father had a thank-you card in his possession that was given to a non-Spellman. Mr. Benjamin used it as evidence of my character a few months later when he was trying to get me expelled for cheating on a history test.

  4 L’eggs, I know I’m not the only woman who has done this.

  5 Of course I wasn’t making some for myself!

  6 In Latin it means “Lost one.” Grammy found the stray dog by a creek or in an old barn or something. Perdita is also the name of the mother of the puppies in 101 Dalmatians, but I doubt Grammy ever saw the movie. I don’t think Morgan Freeman was in it.

  3 If you’d like to read more, How to Negotiate Everything will be available from S&S Children, Winter 2013.

  1 I’m not interested in your opinion about children and television. Also, SpongeBob can be very educational. At least I’ve learned a thing or two. Though I’m not sure it’s factual. Still, I think it encourages an interest in sea life.

  2 Why oh why don’t we have these in every major U.S. supermarket? It’s madness. Australia, I love you.

  1 Not stealing!

  1 It’s a French bakery/café that already has an unruly line at all hours of the day. Sorry, I’m not going to tell you what it is and make the line longer.

  1 It doesn’t matter who says it, it always stings.

  1 And, yes, I am familiar with this activity. The powdered sugar part.

  2 See Document #1.

  1 In truth, I got plenty of culture in the two years I dated Henry Stone and have been to my share of art museums. I like Picasso just fine, for the record. But that’s kind of like saying you like Morgan Freeman.

  2 Mr. Slayter was certainly growing on me.

  1 I wish.

  2 Apparently the most fattening of all T-day desserts.

  3 Still better than death.

  1 Listen, gingers are no good for surveillance, and I’ve always found them highly suspicious individuals.

  1 I promise that is the last time I will mention his name.

  2 Which my parents still believed were accurate.

  3 Back in his lawbreaking days, Demetrius’s primary income source was stealing and reselling television sets. He purchased a flat-screen with his first Spellman paycheck.

  4 She can call the dog whatever she wants. She’ll always be FourPete to me.

  1 I lied.

  1 Pleased to discover that the locks had not been changed.

  1 This means “vacation” in Spellman-speak.

  1 If I haven’t mentioned it before, see appendix.

  1 Shelly took the liberty of inserting this legalese herself.

  1 I swear, every email from you is good news!

  2 See David Hayward.

  3 See previous documents.

  4 Please write your name in here.

  We hope you enjoyed reading this Simon & Schuster eBook.

  Sign up for our newsletter and receive special offers, access to bonus content, and info on the latest new releases and other great eBooks from Simon & Schuster.

  or visit us online to sign up at

  eBookNews.SimonandSchuster.com