Secret

by McKenna, Lindsay

  “Ready to go for dinner?” he asked.

  “Better believe it. I’m a starving cow brute.”

  He grinned at her as he walked by her side, leaving plenty of space between them. “That’s one of the many things I always liked about you, Mattie. You ate food like you meant it. You enjoyed everything that passed your lips.”

  She cut him a wry glance as they stepped out of the barn. She halted, allowing Mark to pull the huge, red door closed. “What? I’m not one of those women who eat salads all the time to stay skinny? Is that what you’re talking about?”

  He turned, a burning look in his eyes meant only for her. Mattie’s entire body went from zero to a hundred in that split second. The thrill of Mark wanting her made her body ache for him. Then, the look was gone.

  They walked down the gravel slope toward the ranch house on the other side of the pipe-fence corrals. “I know some women have a tough time keeping their weight at a certain level as they age, but you never have.”

  She laughed and said, “Oh, I have a large class of four and five year olds running around. You tend to lose a ton of weight that way!”

  The corners of his mouth pulled upward and he drowned in her sweet, lilting laughter. “I guess you’re right. It must be like chasing a bunch of calves down in a huge corral in order to vaccinate them.”

  Giving him a nod, she said, “Same thing. Only, in my case, the roundup lasts all day long!”

  CHAPTER 7

  February 1

  After dinner, the Lockwood family offered Mark and Mattie some quality time alone. Daisy gently suggested a private place to chat—the family’s card room on the other side of the house. “Why don’t you take your coffee in there and relax a bit,” she urged.

  Mark was both relieved and nervous at the prospect of being alone with Mattie. Throughout dinner he’d sat opposite her, drowning in her country-girl beauty and wanting so badly to hear what her decision was regarding their on-again, off-again relationship.

  At the dinner table, he’d forced himself to eat, even though his stomach was contracting with apprehension. Obviously, Mattie’s mom wanted to put more meat on his bones, and he couldn’t disappoint the woman who had been like a second mother to him.

  Now, as he followed Mattie down to the card room, he wondered whether his whole world was going to blow up beneath him, or if Mattie was going to give him another chance. And he had no idea what she would decide.

  Mattie opened the heavy oak door and they walked in.

  Mark looked around the room. “You know, there are so many good memories in here,” he said, shutting it quietly behind them.

  “I agree,” Mattie said, looking around the small room that had two card tables made of oak, bolted to the floor. There were four wooden chairs around each one. “Mom taught all of us so many great card games in here.”

  “I remember. Where would you like to sit, Mattie?”

  “How about on the sofa?” She gestured over to the floral-print couch sitting against the southern wall of the room.

  “Sounds good,” he murmured. Mattie sat at one corner and Mark followed her lead, taking the other corner. He tried to read her expression, but it was closed, which was unlike her. He tried to relax, but couldn’t, so he sat up, legs open, elbows resting on his knees, his hands clasped between them, holding her shadowy green gaze.

  “When Mom called and asked me to come out for Friday-night dinner,” Mattie began, her hands folded in her lap, “I was torn.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she said she wanted to invite you to dinner, too.” She sighed and gave him an exasperated look. “Ever since you came home, Mark, and came to see me that night, I’ve been up in the air about us. I’m just not sure what you want from me and what I’m willing to give or not give to you.”

  “If you want the whole truth, Mark, I’m scared, scared to try again with you. When you left for the Marine Corps, I was devastated! When Doug Freeman, who works at the local office-supply store, asked me to marry him two years after you left, I stupidly said ‘yes’. I was still hurting because you’d left me, Mark. I was angry at you, and my heart was broken.”

  He said nothing, letting her find the right words.

  “I married Doug, but eventually I realized I didn’t love him. I divorced him when I was twenty-five.” She drew in a ragged breath and pushed on. “That was three years ago. It hurt me as much as it did Doug, because he really, in his own way, loved me. But I wasn’t honest enough with myself at that age to see that I’d rebounded from you with him. Doug paid the price for it and I’ll always feel badly about that.”

  “I knew you’d married Doug because Daisy told me about it.” He frowned and looked away for a moment, emotions swamping him. “I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you and him …” He held her sad-looking gaze. “I saw Doug the other day in town. He’s remarried now, and the father of a baby son.”

  Nodding, Mattie said, “Yes, he remarried a year and a half ago. He’s happy with Rachel and I’m happy for them both. He absolutely dotes on his son, Randall. Things turned out well for him, despite what I’d done to him.”

  Shaking his head, Mark uttered, “I’m realizing that all of us make mistakes in our twenties, Mattie. I’m still learning what is and isn’t right for us.”

  She studied him silently, then continued, “I just don’t like hurting people. But—” and her voice trembled slightly, “I’d loved you for so long that it devastated me in ways I couldn’t even begin to imagine before you walked out on me.”

  He saw her eyes fill with tears. “I just didn’t know what I was doing back then, Mattie, and I’m so sorry. When I escaped from Jeb after high school graduation, I got the first taste of freedom I’d ever had. I had to get away from him or I was going to kill him. I told you that when I saw you back at the end of January.”

  “I know. I’ve had some time to go over our conversation in my head, and I talked to Sage about it, too. I needed someone else’s perspective on us, Mark.”

  “You and Sage have always been like sisters,” Mark said, watching her still struggling for the right words. There was confusion and bewilderment in her eyes, and he’d caused it all. Why couldn’t he have made her happy and not been so damned selfish? Mark had no real answer. “You know, I never told Sage how I felt toward Jeb, either.”

  “I know, she told me that when we had lunch at Spooner’s Diner. She said she’d felt it, but you two had never really discussed it.”

  “No, because to give it words would make me as evil as Jeb was,” he growled. “I didn’t want to turn into the same kind of bastard, but I was heading that way, Mattie. I had to escape Van Horn, the ranch, and most of all, Jeb. As it was, I ran off to the Marine Corps and used my killing rage in my black-ops work. And I killed plenty of the enemy. Each one had Jeb’s face, in my mind and heart.”

  “Do you still want to kill Jeb?”

  “No, not anymore. I worked out a lot of the poison inside me in the Corps, Mattie.” He gave her a miserable look. “I won’t forget any of the faces of the enemy I took out for as long as I live. That was when I realized killing Jeb would have haunted me until the day I died.” His voice turned bitter and hard. “When I understood that, the last thing I wanted was to see his face every time I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep.”

  “Maybe that’s a good thing, then,” Mattie said softly, giving him a sympathetic glance. “I’m just sorry that Child Protective Services didn’t intervene.”

  “That’s because Jeb told me that if I went to the sheriff and turned him in for beating me, he’d kill Sage.”

  Mattie gasped, her eyes growing wide. “No! He didn’t really say that, did he, Mark?”

  “Yes, he did,” he rasped, “I was ten years old and I screamed at him during one of his beatings that I was going to turn him in to the sheriff. He grabbed me by my t-shirt, slammed me up against a wall, and told me that he’d kill my sister if I did—and I believed him. He was capable of it, you know
that. There were beatings I took when I didn’t think I’d live to see the end of it. Jeb had a killing rage in him that when triggered, made him lose control. I’m frankly surprised I actually survived him. I always felt like I would die at his hand someday.”

  Mattie sat up, her voice shaky. “Did Sage ever know about this, Mark?”

  Shaking his head, he stared down at his tightly clasped hands between his thighs. “No. I never told her. He was stalking her relentlessly and I didn’t want to add that to the pressure she was already under. So I took Jeb at his word and never turned him in. I was trying to protect her the best I could. Looking back on it now, realizing I was only ten years old, I didn’t have the maturity or awareness I have now. I should have risked it and turned him in, but I didn’t. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.”

  Mattie suddenly stood up, hand across her mouth, staring down at Mark. “What a horrible position he put you in! You were the sole person who could save yourself and Sage, and you were muzzled by fear.”

  He stared up at her. “Jeb knew and I knew. That was enough.”

  She began to pace, wrapping her arms around her waist, her voice tight with tears. “Mom and Dad never knew about his threat either, did they?”

  “No way. I knew your dad would turn Jeb in to the sheriff and I couldn’t risk him killing Sage by telling Hank anything.”

  “But, Mark—” she whispered, shaken, “my whole family knew Jeb was abusive toward you. My dad wanted to get Child Protective Services involved to get you two out of there.”

  “I’m glad he didn’t,” Mark countered, “because Jeb would have found Sage and killed her. He didn’t care about either of us. He hated having us underfoot. We were nothing but trouble for him.”

  Silence fell between them. Mattie stood there in front of him, sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes.

  “I knew my parents wrestled with your situation, Mark. So often, my dad wanted to go over and talk to Jeb.”

  “Well, he actually did confront Jeb a number of times,” Mark told her. “Maybe he never told you?”

  “N-no.”

  “I was with Jeb at Charley Becker’s feed store one day when Hank came in and cornered him. He told me to go sit at the counter because he needed to talk to Jeb alone. I did what I was told, and then I saw Hank push Jeb out the back door. I don’t know what happened out there but when Jeb came back in, he was white with fear.”

  “Really? What did he say?”

  “Nothing, but I figured it out later. For the next six months, Jeb didn’t lay a hand on either of us. Hank probably threatened him, and it obviously made an impression on the bastard. At least for six months there was no more beatings for me. And he left Sage alone, as well.”

  “But then he started up again?”

  The corners of his mouth flexed into a brutal line. “Yeah, gradually, Jeb went back to doing the same things to us. I almost went and told Hank about it, but I was afraid that if I did, he’d take it out on Sage … we had so many secrets, Mattie,” he uttered wearily. “I’m glad that part of my life is over. I’m glad Jeb had that stroke. I’m just sorry it didn’t finish off the miserable bastard. And I’m glad Sage owns the ranch now and that it’s thriving under her care. At least, she’s somewhat happy.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “She’s afraid to reach out and love someone, Mattie. Jeb wounded her so badly, she won’t even give love a chance to grow in her heart and take hold with another man. It hurts to see how wounded she is—she’s such a wonderful person. She does so much for the ranch workers, and she donates her time to the Delos charity in town, helping seniors make ends meet. Sage has never known love. But at least—” he held her gaze, “I know what love is. I felt it. I had it with you, Mattie.”

  She stood up and slowly circled the room. Finally, she came back and sat down, facing him. “Thanks for letting me know about Sage. It’s just so sad. Jeb murdered a part of both of you.” She looked away, gathered her thoughts, then turned and looked directly at Mark.

  “What I told Sage was that what I wished for, more than anything else, was for you to honestly start communicating with me so I know what’s on your mind and what you’re feeling.”

  “Believe me, I heard you the last time we talked, Mattie. I’m trying to do exactly that right now with you.” He hesitated. “But both Sage and I are so damaged that we can’t always share light and happiness with you. All you’ll ever hear about is the crappy childhood we survived. That’s partly why I never talk about what I’m feeling. Who wants to hear it? No one cares. It was a long time ago.”

  “I care and don’t you ever forget that. It’s still alive in you both to this day,” Mattie coaxed gently.

  “Yeah, I realized in Afghanistan how I carried Jeb around with me like a dark cloud,” he agreed bitterly. Pushing his fingers through his hair, he added, “I wish to hell I could do some kind of surgery to get those memories cut out of my head, Mattie, and make them all go away. But I still carry him around, just as Sage does, and that hurts me even more than I hurt for myself.”

  “Because you love Sage and she’s your sister. You two went through a lot together—a war, a combat of another kind, really. And you bear the scars. Dad says that’s what PTSD is all about: you experienced things that very few human beings have had to endure. It has to haunt you.”

  “That’s why you were in my life. You never realized it, Mattie, but you fed my bleeding soul. Just your smile and the way your eyes glistened with life and joy helped me survive those eighteen years with Jeb. I never told you that until now, and I’m sorry as hell that I didn’t do it before today.”

  “But you were caught up in a pattern of life-and-death, Mark. How could you?”

  “You’ve got that right. To this day, I wake up and I’m grateful that even with all the blackness I carry inside me, I’m still glad to wake up and still be alive.”

  “Sage has always walked around what you’ve just shared with me, Mark. I know she’s hurting too. I just wish … well … I wish she would know real love, too, like the tender love that I’ve always held for you.”

  “We shared puppy love, Mattie, but it was the single, most important joy I carried inside me. You were always my bright spot, my hope, my promise of a better future, together.”

  Nodding, she wiped her eyes and then pushed her damp palms down her slacks. “I want to start all over with you, Mark. I never stopped loving you and yes, it was puppy love. But I think that, for now, I need time before I can open my heart to you again. I have to see that you’ll honestly share with me. I need to know who you are, beyond the secrets you carry inside. I want you to share ordinary, everyday thoughts with me, so I can be a true partner to you. I can’t handle losing you again, Mark. It’s asking too much of me.”

  He sat up now and said, “I figured that out since we last talked, Mattie. I’ve destroyed the feelings you had while we were growing up. Even puppy love was a good thing to be shared.”

  “I can understand a little better now why you left that first time, Mark. I was assuming that you didn’t really love me, and that what we had wasn’t that important to you, or you wouldn’t have gone.” She shook her head, her voice ragged. “If only you had told me all of this before you left.”

  “I was in a bad state at that time,” he said, sadness in his tone.

  “I could have been a far better friend to Sage if I’d known.”

  “Secrets … so many of them, Mattie.” Mark gave a doleful shake of his head and then held her stormy stare. “Are you willing to give us one more try if I work on staying open to you? Because I will try.”

  “Yes, I want to, Mark. But if you stop sharing, if you hole up inside yourself again, leaving me outside as you always have in the past, we’re done for good.”

  “I’m going to do my best to earn your heart back, Mattie.” He stood up, walking over to her, a few feet separating them. Seeing her hesitation, he didn’t try to reach out to touch her. It was way too soon for tha
t kind of intimacy. “Thank you for allowing me one more chance, Mattie. I know I don’t deserve it, but you have such a big, wonderful heart. You’d forgive the devil himself.”

  Swallowing hard, Mattie whispered, “Mark, you remind me of a beaten dog, so afraid of everyone, afraid to being hit again. I get that. What I’m really asking of you is to trust me. As a child you had no one you could trust except yourself, plus you were Sage’s protector. An abused animal is always wary of others, but over time if it’s shown love, trust can begin to build.” She reached out, her fingertips grazing his stubbly jaw. “That’s what I’m really needing from you—your trust.”

  His cheek tingled where she’d grazed it. How badly Mark wanted to sweep Mattie into his arms and kiss her senseless until she melted into him and they became one living, joyously beating heart to one another. Instead, he remained unmoving, his eyes narrowing upon hers. Her touch hadn’t been sexual. It was caring, like the words she’d just spoken. He memorized the moment and the gesture.

  Now, he was going to turn his combat experience into something positive and productive for both of them. He was going to remember each and every fleeting expression of Mattie’s looks, voice, touch, and so much more. Mark was going to learn, one way or another, what it meant to sincerely love and trust another human being. He had no role model like a mother or a caring father to show him the way. But he’d do it, come hell or high water. He’d always loved Mattie, but it had been an innocent love. They were both older now, nearly thirty years old.

  “Mattie, you’re the most important person in my life,” he began, his voice thick with emotion. “I’m so far from perfect. I’m going to try and be what you need me to be, but I’m scared. Scared that I’ll fail you again. That I won’t read something accurately in you—or I won’t see it. I’m afraid you won’t give me the time I need to catch up in so many different ways.”