The Last Road Trip

by Gareth Crocker

Frowning, she fumbled for the lamp next to her bed. ‘What the hell are you doing in my room? It’s the middle of the night!’

  ‘Sorry, Rosie, but there’s been a change in plan.’

  As she flicked on the light, three more faces smiled back at her.

  ‘Morning, darling,’ Sam chimed.

  Elizabeth held up her hands in a gesture of apology. ‘They did the same to me.’

  ‘Am I bloody dreaming? What’s going on?’

  ‘We have to leave now. Arnold won’t let Albert come with us. He’s admitting him into frail care in the morning. We have to … well … get him out tonight.’

  ‘Get him out? What are you talking about? People can’t be kept here against their will.’

  ‘They can if they’re incapacitated and there’s no family to turn to. It’s in our contracts.’

  ‘You’re shitting me!’

  ‘Afraid not. I had it out with Arnold. He won’t budge,’ Jack replied.

  As Rosie hauled herself up into a sitting position, she took a moment to clear her mind. ‘What the hell time is it anyway?’

  ‘Just after two.’

  ‘You realise I haven’t been awake at 2 a.m. in more than twenty years?’

  ‘Uh-huh, isn’t it great?’ Jack smiled.

  Rosie scrunched up her nose. ‘Yeah, it’s really amazing. We should do this every night.’

  Reaching for her gown, she yawned and turned to Sam. ‘So what’s the plan, Black Pimpernel?’

  ‘It’s quite complex, actually. First, we’re going to go over to Albert’s house and wake him up. Then we’ll all climb in the car. And then we’ll drive out the front gate.’

  ‘You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought.’

  ‘Look, Arnold isn’t expecting this,’ Jack added. ‘I don’t imagine it’s even occurred to him to say anything to security. So we really should just be able to leave without any problem at all.’

  Elizabeth sat down on the side of the bed. ‘Rosie, Jack’s made it quite clear that if we go through with this there’s likely to be some trouble. Quite what and how much, we don’t know.’

  ‘Oh, screw them. What’re they going to do? Suspend our croquet privileges for a week when we get back? Besides, we’ll pin it all on Jack.’

  ‘Exactly,’ Jack agreed. ‘So you’re in?’

  ‘Enough talking. Go and fetch my bags, Claus von Stauffenberg. Let’s get this show on the road. And how the hell did you get into my house anyway?’

  Part 2

  * * *

  AND SO, TO A BIRD

  Eight

  Albert sat smiling in the back of the car, hugging a small kitbag to his chest. His eyes shone through the darkness. Jack adjusted his rear-view mirror towards him and wondered for a moment if Albert was crying.

  ‘You OK back there?’ he asked, firing the Chrysler to life.

  ‘More than OK, Jack. I feel like I’m ten years old.’

  ‘Glad to hear it. And … you’re clear about everything?’

  Albert nodded. ‘Arnold is planning to admit me into frail care in the morning where I will be forced to stay and most of my decisions will be made for me. But if we leave tonight, there’s nothing they can do to stop us.’

  ‘In theory,’ Rosie corrected him. ‘In reality, we may well be arrested for abducting you from your home in the middle of the night. But let’s not split hairs.’

  ‘They’ll never take us alive,’ Jack said, smiling at Rosie in the mirror. He then shifted his gaze to Albert. ‘Ready to get out of here, Mr Brooks? Find ourselves a bird?’

  ‘Not just any bird,’ Albert said, raising a finger. ‘The bird.’

  ‘The bird,’ Jack agreed, holding up his hands. ‘If I push it a bit, we could make it to the Park in time for a late breakfast.’

  ‘Sounds good,’ Rosie shot back. ‘My hair’s getting hungry.’

  ‘But we first have a stop to make. Yes?’ Albert cut in, a note of concern in his voice.

  ‘Don’t worry, Albert. I haven’t forgotten,’ Jack said, and turned to Sam who was riding up front with him. ‘Got the address?’

  Sam dipped into his jacket pocket and held up a piece of paper.

  ‘You sure this is the house, Albert?’

  He thought for a moment and then nodded. ‘I am. Mostly.’

  ‘Mostly will have to do.’

  Jack’s eye was drawn to the digital clock on the dashboard. It was 03:17. As he slipped the car into gear, his mind turned briefly to Paul’s letter.

  ‘And so it begins,’ he whispered.

  ‘Does the place look at all familiar to you?’ Jack asked, his eyes scanning the tall palisade fence that ended in eight strings of high-voltage electric wire. Unlike many of the neighbouring homes, the house in front of them was shrouded in darkness. Not even a porch light was on.

  Albert rolled down his window and leaned out into the night. ‘I don’t really remember what the place looked like, Jack. It was a long time ago. But I’m fairly sure the address is right.’

  ‘So what’s the plan, Jack? How do you want to handle this?’ Sam asked, checking the street for movement.

  ‘Well, seeing that it’s a palisade fence, maybe we should get Albert outside and let him call out to the dog. See if we can get the Labrador to come out to us.’

  Sam thought for a moment and then nodded. ‘Makes sense. He’ll have to keep his voice down though.’

  As they climbed out of the car and stepped onto the sidewalk, Elizabeth suddenly held up her hands to quieten them. She pointed to the near side of the house. ‘Listen,’ she whispered.

  Across an expanse of lawn, the low sound of a dog’s growl drifted towards them from the shadows beside the house.

  With Albert still sitting in the car, Rosie leaned forward and whispered to Jack. ‘Mr Everson, given that just about every third family owns a Labrador, what if we’re about to kidnap the wrong dog? What if Pilot’s been dead for years?’

  ‘The thought did cross my mind,’ Jack conceded. ‘But let’s play this out. Besides, at least we’ve been told he’s a black Lab. That narrows it down a bit.’

  Working together, Sam and Jack lifted Albert from the car and carried him over to the fence. It was, Jack realised, like carrying a child. Still, the sound of their shuffling on the sidewalk was loud enough to make the dog growl louder still. The animal was on the verge of spilling over into a barking frenzy when Albert cupped his hands around his mouth and called out in a forced whisper. ‘Pilot … Pilot, it’s me. We’ve come to get you. Can you hear me, boy? Pilot!’

  At once, the growling ceased and was replaced by another sound. That of a steel chain unfurling.

  ‘Oh God, it’s him. Has to be,’ Elizabeth said, clasping her hands over her mouth.

  Together they listened as the chain continued to rattle and scrape towards them. And then, a few moments later, an elderly black Labrador – his legs stiff with age – hobbled out into a patch of moonlight.

  ‘Pilot!’ Albert cried out, and clasped the palisade fence with what little strength he had left.

  Elizabeth held her breath and Rosie draped an arm around her friend.

  As Pilot saw Albert, his ears fell back and his tail began to sweep wildly from side to side. He hurried forward, but the chain yanked at his neck and he fell awkwardly onto his back. Hurt, but undeterred, he got up and tried again. This time the chain caused him to choke as he fought against it.

  ‘Ah shit,’ Sam said, shaking his head. ‘Who does this to a dog?’

  Albert pushed his arms through the fence, holding his hands up in a Stay gesture. ‘Don’t fight it, Pilot. Calm down. Just wait there! We’re coming to get you.’

  But Pilot kept pulling against the chain, his legs trembling as they fought for purchase in the soft lawn.

  ‘Let’s get Albert back in the car,’ Sam said. ‘The dog’s fixated on him.’

  Jack agreed and they quickly lifted Albert back into his seat.

  ‘How the hell are we going to get over this fenc
e?’

  ‘Not over. Through,’ Jack said, heading for the trailer and returning with a crowbar.

  Sam looked down at the tool and then across at the fence. ‘Could work, but it’s going to wake up the whole damn neighbourhood.’

  Jack hunkered down. ‘I just need to pry off three of these struts. Just three and I’ll be able to get through.’

  ‘You’re going to have to give it some time between each strut. There’ll be too much noise otherwise.’

  Jack acknowledged the point and then carefully positioned the crowbar between the first strut and the horizontal bar. He waited a beat, quickly looking up and down the road, and then pulled back with as much force as he could muster. A sound, not unlike a steel cable being sheared in half, rang out into the night. Dogs from up and down the street lit up in a chorus of alarm.

  ‘Damn it!’ Jack whispered, gritting his teeth.

  Holding their breath, they waited for lights to come on inside the house. But a minute later the rooms remained cloaked in darkness. A minute after that, the barking died away.

  ‘I don’t know how we got away with that,’ Sam said. ‘But there’s no way we’ll get away with another two of those.’

  ‘I know. I know.’

  Rosie stepped forward. ‘A blanket. We need a blanket to wrap around the strut. It’ll muffle the sound.’

  ‘Great idea. I’ll get one,’ Elizabeth volunteered, and rushed back to the car.

  Returning with the thickest blanket she could find, she worked quickly to wrap it around the second strut.

  Rosie sighed. ‘We must be out of our damn minds.’

  ‘Could be worse,’ Sam said. ‘We could be sleeping in our five-star retirement estate.’

  Jack allowed himself a smile at that and then pulled back on the crowbar. To their amazement, the sheared steel cable now sounded more like the dull thud of a telephone directory falling off a table. Not a single dog stirred in return.

  ‘Rosie, you’re a genius,’ Sam said, puffing out his cheeks.

  Jack and Elizabeth quickly repeated the exercise on the third strut. When each strut had been laid down quietly on the lawn, Jack hurried back to the trailer and returned with a bolt cutter from his tool box. Not bothering to debate the matter of who would be going after the dog, he squeezed through the gap and jogged towards the Labrador.

  As Jack approached the dog, Albert called out from the car. ‘He’s a friend, Pilot. He’s coming to get you off that chain. He’s a friend, boy. You don’t need to be afraid.’

  While Albert continued to speak soothingly to the dog, Jack lowered himself to his haunches and gently patted Pilot on the head. The Labrador looked up at him, his eyes dark marbles in the moonlight, and licked the side of Jack’s arm.

  ‘I’m glad you exist, Pilot. It’s good to meet you.’

  Jack quickly cut through the chain and then worked to remove the collar. The poor dog had lived with it for so long that most of the hair around his neck had fallen out, and the skin was raw and angry from the constant abrasion. As soon as the collar was off, Pilot hurried towards the fence. Jack remained on his haunches and watched as the old Labrador squeezed through the gap and managed to leap up into the car.

  Some things didn’t need to be seen to be felt.

  Already, Jack realised as he straightened to his feet, the trip was paying off.

  Nine

  As the first signs of daylight tugged at the horizon, Sam glanced back over his shoulder.

  ‘They’re all still asleep, Jack. Even Pilot,’ he said, reaching out and patting the Labrador. ‘I still can’t believe we stole him away.’

  ‘Stole? I like to think of it more as a daring rescue,’ Jack countered, his eyes fixed on the road. ‘And it felt pretty damn good.’

  ‘No argument there. Can’t work out why people still chain up their dogs. I mean, why do it? With that fence, it’s not like the old guy could get out.’

  ‘I don’t know. But it’s bullshit either way. Why didn’t any of his neighbours call it in?’

  ‘Too busy worrying about their own problems, I guess. Maybe they’re scared of the guy. From what Albert’s told us, he sounds like a real peach.’

  ‘Well, whatever. At least we’ve got the dog. For a while there I thought he might not exist.’

  Sam hoisted up an eyebrow. ‘Clearly Albert isn’t as far gone as Arnold makes out.’

  ‘Clearly.’

  Leaning forward, Sam stretched out as best he could. ‘Coffee? Should still be hot enough.’

  ‘Sounds good. Thanks.’

  Sam reached down for the large thermos at his feet and then set about balancing two plastic cups on his lap. After he had poured the coffee and stirred in some sugar, he handed Jack one of the mugs. Around them, the darkness was starting to lift. As if from under a black tarpaulin whose edges had come loose in the wind, streaks of navy and purple were starting to show. Through the murk, distant mountains took shape on the horizon like the headless shoulders of giant men.

  Sam lifted his mug towards the windscreen. ‘To whatever the hell this is that we’re doing.’

  ‘I think they call it living.’

  ‘Or dementia,’ a tired voice broke into the conversation.

  Jack turned back and saw Rosie massaging her eyes with her knuckles. ‘Morning, Rosie. You’re just in time for the sun’s grand show.’

  ‘Yay,’ she groaned. ‘I can die now.’

  ‘Coffee, madam?’

  Rosie shrugged. ‘Is a frog’s arse watertight? What do you think?’

  ‘Just a yes would’ve been fine.’

  ‘But it would’ve lacked flair,’ she yawned. ‘Get much sleep, Jack?’

  ‘Not so much. Mainly because of the whole driving thing. Thought it best not to kill everyone.’

  ‘That’s why you’re our leader, Jack,’ she said, tapping the side of her head. ‘Even Pilot is in awe of you.’

  She leaned over and stroked the dog gently on his cheek. She then cast her eyes to Elizabeth and the diminutive form of Albert who was sleeping against her shoulder.

  ‘Would you look at that? It’s Sleeping Beauty and her seventy-year-old dwarf.’

  Ten

  They were barely minutes out from the Kruger Park when Elizabeth clamped a hand to her face. ‘Oh hell.’

  They all turned to look at her.

  Rosie threw up a shocked look. ‘Please, your language, Lizzie.’

  ‘You aren’t allowed to bring dogs into the Park.’

  Sam looked over at Jack and then across at Albert as the realisation sunk in. ‘Elizabeth’s right. Shit. Why didn’t we think of this sooner?’

  Albert’s eyes widened with concern. ‘Oh no. W— What’re we going to do?’

  ‘Take it easy. It’s not like we’re crossing the border with a suitcase full of heroin. I’m sure we can come up with something.’

  ‘I don’t mean to be the voice of doom,’ Rosie added, ‘but I imagine they’ll check the car? And unless Pilot has the ability to impersonate a spare wheel …’

  ‘You’re right,’ Jack agreed, as an idea began to form behind his words, ‘but they won’t check us.’

  Rosie pulled a face. ‘Jack, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking … you can forget it.’

  ‘Maybe we could—’

  ‘I’m not hiding the dog in my vagina. I won’t do it.’

  ‘Oh, Rosie!’ Elizabeth exclaimed, her words trapped between laughter and disgust.

  ‘Well, what the hell else do you mean, Jack? I know I’m fat, but you can’t expect me to tape a Labrador around my waist.’

  ‘No one is taping anything to anywhere.’

  ‘So what’s your idea then?’

  ‘A bit of misdirection.’

  ‘Oh, really? Misdirection? That’s a great idea, considering that we just happen to be a party of travelling magicians.’

  ‘Look, hear me out. That dress you’re wearing—’

  ‘It’s not a dress … it’s a muumuu. And before you say an
ything insulting, you should know that it’s the most comfortable thing I own.’

  ‘Fine. Whatever. The point is that you could drape it over Pilot. If someone comes to look inside the cabin, we’ll just tell them that you’re not feeling well. I can’t see some Parks official forcing you to get out of the car.’

  For a while nobody said anything.

  ‘What if Pilot stands up and there’s a sudden bulge in my muumuu? What do I say then? Sorry, sir, but my fanny’s possessed?’

  Sam tried not to laugh, but failed.

  ‘I guess we’ll just have to roll the dice.’

  ‘Fair enough. I suppose it might work,’ Rosie said, brightening. ‘Bugger it. I’ll do it.’

  Elizabeth was less convinced. ‘But what if it doesn’t work? What if they insist on searching the entire car?’

  ‘It’s a fair point, Lizzie. If we got caught with illegal weapons we’d probably be looking at ten years. Maybe double that for drugs. However, I imagine it would be life without parole for an illegal Labrador.’

  ‘Oh be serious, Rosie.’

  ‘Listen, bringing an animal into the Kruger Park is surely like smuggling a glass of tap water into the ocean.’

  ‘It’s the parasites and diseases that they’re guarding against,’ Elizabeth replied. ‘And they take it seriously.’

  ‘Fine. But what’s the worst they can do? All that’ll happen is that they’ll turn us away. If that happens—’

  ‘We’ll go to the next gate,’ Jack cut in. ‘Deal?’

  Elizabeth considered the argument. ‘Well, I suppose it’s not like we have any better ideas.’

  ‘Exactly,’ Rosie agreed. ‘Besides, why are you so worried? I’ll be the one with the hairy contraband under my muumuu.’

  Eleven

  ‘Which one’s yours?’ the Parks official asked.

  ‘The Chrysler SUV. Over there,’ Jack said, pointing to their right.

  ‘Sorry to delay you, but it’s procedure.’

  ‘No problem. I understand,’ Jack shrugged, trying to appear as casual as possible. ‘If you don’t mind me asking, what do you guys check for anyway?’