“What? He didn’t really say that.” Drew was really in disbelief.
“Basically! Questioning my relationship with John as if Julian treated me so wonderfully. The real crazy part was him telling me that Julian was in some type of danger and I was too, possibly, and he wanted to make sure that I was safe.” I paused for a breath. “Did you see aunt V's face when she saw him? You know, she warned me about this shit and friggin Jackie was all ‘Oh he’s not a bad guy. He’s my friend!’ Meanwhile back at the ranch…”
Drew just shook his head. I could only imagine what this sounded like to an outsider.
“Whoa. Danger? Now I really understand why you’re so mad. Just leave you alone already. Isn’t sending flowers and messages putting you at risk?” He was concerned.
“Look I don’t know the rules of engagement in their world. We didn’t have a commitment and you would think I just cheated on my husband who was doing a bid in Sing Sing. I don’t know where disrespecting me fits into the scheme of things. If ever there were a box to burn something in, that was it. I don’t have time for any of it.” I meant that.
“Good. I’m glad I didn’t hear him say that crap or I would have been snapped.com!”
I pulled into my parking spot for the first time. It was unlikely that I would be getting a car anytime soon especially since my commission had been greatly reduced. My salary was hefty but so was my rent. Living in this city wasn’t cheap, but I wasn’t complaining. I loved it, and would just have to cut back on my shoe habit. I text John to let him know I was home.
Me: Home baby
JB: Already?
Me: Yep
JB: K, be by later
Me: K
JB: Thank u
Me: 4?
JB: Not calling me Sweet Face
Me: :P
So for the rest of the day I spent some much needed bonding time with my brother. He told me about the new girl that he was seeing and how she wasn’t planning to stay in Miami and it had him thinking about leaving too. Add how much he loved it here so far, despite the drama; Miami was feeling less like home. I told him that’s how I had felt when I left. Then I told him how I met John and how everything just fell into place.
“Yeah J. I like JB. He’s a real dude. I don’t think he’s jealous, but more like protective. You have some strange characters around you and you’re still new to the game. He knows how this city works and he knows that you don’t. I mean let’s look at it like this. The flowers were at your door in a building that you can’t get past the doorman much less in the elevator. Donnas’ brother was eying you like a roasted rabbit and that’s disrespectful when everyone knew you were with JB, and then you have Tony Montana acting on behalf of his nephew’s honor coming in with the AK spray. That’s a lot to deal with in less than a week. You need to cut JB some slack.”
I was still laughing at the Tony Montana reference when he finished.
“I suppose I see your point. Now I kinda feel bad.” I lamented.
“Just make it up to him. Like I said he’s a real dude so it won’t take much. Just don’t let Jacks drag you into that Cuban sandwich. I don’t know what was going on in that dizzy head of hers.” Drew had the same views on her sheltered life. We both knew that what our mother did to us drove aunt V to take extra care to give Jackie a good life and she succeeded.
After our talk I felt much better, and wanted to make sure John did too. Since our first time, we had always made fond references to our Central Park excursion. I decided to create our own little picnic in his living room. I told him I would meet him at his place instead of him coming to mine. He seemed reluctant at first, but eventually conceded to my wishes. I had just finished laying out the spread I bought from D’Agastinos when he walked in. The expression on his face was priceless as he focused in on our indoor picnic. Then he surveyed my skimpy lace cami and bikini set and I knew I was in the clear. At least I hoped so.
“Baby. What did you do?” His voice was soft and full of surprise as he thanked me with a hug.
“I figured since you had to work today that I would bring a little fun to you.” I hoped he would be in a fun mood. He tipped my chin up and kissed me softly on the lips. I pulled away before things could get out of hand and led him to our feast.
After hand feeding him an assortment of fruits, cheeses, and spreads we laid out on the blanket sipping a crisp Riesling. Even though he had enjoyed the meal with me, I could tell that John was still not himself. I wasn’t sure how to broach the issue, but I wanted to clear the air tonight.
“You’ve been quite tonight Honey. How was your day?” Maybe it wasn’t me. John took a long sip and sighed.
“It was a long day. Very, very long.” He pinched the bridge of his nose while he spoke.
“Work on the weekend has you this stressed?” I didn’t think so, but had to ask.
“No, I hardly remember what I worked on today. I’m just not feeling this whole thing Jade.” He didn’t even look at me while he spoke. I sat up as if that would help me hear him better.
“What do you mean?” There were no cute phrases to lighten this mood.
“I mean, I don’t like feeling like I can’t trust you. You were right today; you shouldn’t have to keep explaining yourself.” He shifted onto his elbow to face me. I could feel the frog growing in my throat as he spoke. My heart was pounding so loud I could barely hear his words. I sat quietly waiting for him to finish.
“Maybe I moved things along too fast for you.” Again with a pinching of his nose.
“You didn’t move anything I didn’t want moved. I’m here with you because this is what I want.” I tried not to sound panicky but was not very successful. John sat up pulling both my hands into his.
“I guess I mean for myself. You’re not where I am Jade. I’ve been way ahead of you since day one and it’s just very hard waiting for you to catch up.” He tried to explain.
“John! What are you talking about? Are you doubting how I feel about you? How can you?” I hated that my voice was beginning to crack.
I can’t believe this.
“No, I’m doubting that you don’t have feelings for someone else, and I can’t ignore that feeling anymore.” He let my hands go as he ran both hands through his hair.
“What about being able to work anything out? I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't hurt you. I haven't lied to you...” I was more thinking out loud than talking to him.
“No, but you're lying to yourself.” He replied.
Suddenly I felt very cold kneeling on the floor with little to no clothing on. I wrapped my arms around myself for warmth and to try to calm my unsettled emotions.
“You have your ex, and your mysterious Cuban fling that won’t go away. It just feels like you have some loose ends to take care of. Maybe you just need some time to sort things out. I know I do.” The calmness in his voice made the turmoil growing inside me even worse.
How could I argue with him?
I didn’t need to hear anymore because I knew what he was telling me.
He could have said this before our picnic.
I pulled on my dress and sandals as he sat with his hands still in his hair. I had to leave before my heart or my anger exploded. I stormed over to retrieve my purse from his dining room table and pulled his keys out and tossed them across the wooden surface. I knew he had gotten up but I didn’t dare turn around to look at him.
“Jade..." His sentence trailed off into the nothingness that I felt.
I just shook my head in refusal.
“John. You're a coward. And a liar. You don't want to lose me, huh?” My tone was as cold as the icy ache in the center of my chest. The distance between me and the outside of his door seemed farther than touching the moon. Just like I knew he would be, he was behind me but I couldn’t turn around.
It was strange hailing a regular taxi after using his car service all week, but for some reason it helped me feel somewhat normal. I couldn’t retreat into my little shell and it kep
t me engaged for my short ride home.
Did John really just break it off with me?
I wondered how much time he would consider enough to erase my past? The part of me that was ready to shed massive tears was held in check by the part of me that was in shock at how easy it was for him to send me on my way.
Andrew was on the couch when I walked in, and from the grin on his face I could tell it was his new girl. He even dropped the street thug vernacular when he spoke to her.
I like that.
I didn’t want to ruin his good mood with my bad news so I flashed him a warm smile on my way to the stairs. He motioned for me to wait a min as he got up and handed me an envelope. He mouthed the word John and shrugged his shoulders quizzically. I took the envelope and waited until I got up to my room to open it. I stared at it for a long while, not wanting to relive our last conversation unnecessarily. Finally opening it up, my body went completely cold as comprehension of the contents weighed in on me. It was a receipt for a dozen roses and a note that read:
I wasn’t even a thought when you saw these. That’s what hurt the most.
I slumped down on my bed reading the note over and over. It didn't change. I thought back to that night. John wasn't jealous. He was devastated that he wasn't number one. My mind had gone right to Julian. I had hurt him, and he still gave me another chance and I failed him again. When I thought Edward was Julian, he saw my panic ridden reaction.
The tears formed furiously as I realized my mistake. I crawled into my pillow as a sob threatened to escape my throat. I missed him already. I punched the bed in pure agony of knowing there was nothing I could do. I finally gave into the soundtrack of my tears and wept my heart out. He was my best friend, my lover, my everything. I just lost everything.
23 WHAT YOU'VE BEEN MISSING
Being off from work for the next few days turned out to be bittersweet. I was thankful that I could sleep in and wouldn’t have to explain my mood, or the dark circles under my eyes that I had developed from crying randomly. Poor Drew was beside himself because he didn’t know how to cheer me up. He urged me to call John, but eased off when even he couldn’t give me advice on what to say. Jackie was also a wreck and came over every night to stay with me. She felt guilty, but I had to explain to her that this wasn’t about one thing or another and she wasn’t to blame.
By Friday I was at the point of numbness where I was able to function. I decided that feeling sad or sorry for myself wasn’t going to change things. I had messed up. This whole entire time I was chasing a damn dream. Julian hadn’t sent me those flowers as much as he probably hadn’t sent his Uncle to speak for him. Maybe John was right. Would things have evolved between as quickly if Julian had been around? Who knows? It didn’t really matter, since they both had disappeared from my life.
While I was spending another popcorn filled movie session with Drew my phone buzzed randomly. Besides Jackie and Donna, there wasn’t much activity in my social arena to warrant much use of my cell phone. I picked it up to see whose turn it was to try to cheer me up.
E: Jade
E: Please respond. I’m in town
E: Can I take you to dinner?
I stared at my phone as if I were waiting for it to speak to me itself. Drew looked up from Coming to America to see what had my attention.
“What’s up J?” He must have seen the expression on my face.
“Evan wants to take me to dinner.” I answered.
“Oh boy… You’ve been cursed, or have some serious karma, cause I never ever seen so much drama come to one person. I mean, you honestly are sitting around minding your biz and it finds you.” His observation matched my inner musings.
“My sentiments exactly.” I tossed my phone back on the couch and grabbed the popcorn bowl. Drew continued to watch me expectantly.
“So… are you going to go?” He dared to ask.
“I really don’t know what I would say to him. If I really cared about hearing him out or had any interest then I would go, but as it stands neither is the case.” My own lack of caring shocked even me. Drew grabbed to bowl from me and shook his head.
“Well, I’m sure you don’t care what I think either, but maybe you need to hear him out.”
I laughed at his suggestion.
“For what? Entertainment? I think I’ve had enough excitement to last me till Christmas.” A long swig of my beer washed down a stray kernel from the back of my throat.
“J. Right now you could probably care less if aliens walked out of the TV, but I think that closing the lid on that situation will help. I’m just saying.” He turned back to the movie at that and another buzz sounded from my phone.
E: Please
Me: Y?
E: I really want to talk with you, clear some things up
Me: when
E: Whenever you tell me. I’m here till Sunday
Me: OK. Pick me up in an hour.
E: Thank you!
Even though I really didn’t know what to expect I wanted to end this for good. I also wanted him to see how wrong he was. Besides, I had nothing to lose. I saw a look of genuine shock on Drew’s face when I announced that I was going to get dressed.
My buzzer went off exactly an hour later. I had Drew let Evan up as I finished lacing up my gladiator heels. I wasn’t really trying to look too desirable, but after I gave myself a final once over that was the final outcome. My yellow slub-shoulder dress hung loosely at the top and clung to my hips and thighs. My hair was blown straight to reveal my new layers and sloped bang. I looked great, and not at all like I had been depressed all week. I headed downstairs to face what was sure to be an awkward evening.
As I hit the last few steps Evan rose to meet me and I was sort of glad to see him. I had expected anger and rage to consume me at the sight of him, but the somewhat desperate twinge to his expression reminded me that I wasn’t the one with something to lose. He smiled visibly relieved at my lack of anger. We embraced familiarly until I pulled away.
“Wow Jade. You look amazing. Absolutely incredible.” He was truly in awe.
I smiled deeper with the reward of my first goal.
This is what you’ve been missing!
“Thank you. You look great, as usual.” And he did. His gray button down shirt was showcasing the fact that he had been hitting the gym. His goatee was impeccably groomed and his skin was still smooth peanut butter.
What a waste…
We both said goodbye to Drew and headed out. Evan had a rental so I instructed him uptown to Cafeteria. I needed a Lychee Bellini.
We were slightly ahead of the dinner rush so snagging a table wasn’t too difficult. We ordered our drinks and really looked at each other for the first time. The pain in his eyes was surprising and I felt a familiar sadness tugging at me. For a long time Evan was the beginning and the end for me, but now that seemed like years ago. He shook his head at an unspoken thought almost like he knew how far gone things were.
“I’m really happy that you agreed to see me. I hadn’t expected that you would.” He held my hands in his as he spoke.
I gently pulled my hands away not wanting our chemistry to play a role in tonight’s conversation.
“Well, honestly, I wasn’t going to. I have so many other things going on, but Drew reminded me that I did want to talk to you. Besides, I’m not angry at you anymore and didn’t want to paint that picture unnecessarily.” I sipped my water to keep my hands busy. Evan tapped his nervously on the table.
“How can you not be angry? You have no Idea how besides myself with regret I have been since that night at Mangos. I just knew you were going to call me cursing and yelling or answer my email with rage because I could deal with that. Your silence killed me. To the point where I was dreaming of you calling me a sorry mother-fucker or dirty dog or some low down moniker.”
I laughed at that because I probably would have had it not been for my talk with John. Ouch! Chest Pains...
“Evan. I was so confused when I left Mia
mi, and I beat myself up for a while wondering if I had done the right thing, but then you weren’t really calling, and Colleen wasn’t calling or answering so I began to feel like I was doing the right thing. I had met so many good people in the short time up to that point that things made sense. I was devastated when Drew called me, and he didn’t even want to tell me, but as painful as it was it made even more sense.” I paused at the memory of my afternoon spent lying on the floor in despair. Evan shifted anxiously in his seat.
“J. I hate myself for this. I would do almost anything to erase the past few months. Hell, the past year. My life has been so empty since the minute you left.”
The waiter returning with our drinks interrupted his speech.
“Evan, don’t. There is no way to change what’s happened now.” I didn’t need 'the my life without you' monologue.
He shook his head as if I was totally misunderstanding his point.
“No, I promise you. I didn’t come here tonight to change the past because I know I can’t and I know that you not calling was a loud indicator of how bad I fucked up, but as a person who loves you deeply and knows you didn’t deserve that or the way I had been before you left. After you left I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. Colleen had been calling me since before you left trying to get me to convince you to stay, or at least I thought that was the point of her calls. That night I came in drunk I wasn’t totally honest and you weren’t totally wrong. I was out with the team and she happened to be at the bar we were at after the game. She told me about your plan to leave before you even mentioned it. She played me. I was so pissed off by the time I left to come home that when I saw you on the couch I really wanted to toss you out the window. She stopped by a few times after work to check on me after you left and my dumb ass actually thought she was just commiserating over your absence with me. Then she was showing up with dinner. I should have known better Jade.” He ended there sparing me the unnecessary details.
“So, are you still seeing her?” I wanted to know the extent of the betrayal. Even though it didn’t matter, I needed to know how far they had gone.
Jaded Hearts (The Jaded Hearts Club) Page 16
