Deadlocked 8

by A. R. Wise

  She stayed obstinate and angry, but I managed to get her hand and pull her a step closer to my chair. I apologized again, and she stared down at me with a dour expression.

  “You test my patience, Billy. You really do.”

  “Women have been telling me that my whole life.” I set my palm against her belly. “How’s our little Hero doing?”

  “Kicking and spinning like a lunatic,” she said as she let me press gently against her stomach. “Clyde says I’m further along than we thought.”

  “Really? By how much?”

  She shrugged and set her hands on either side of her belly as she looked down at it. “Not sure. I never used to have a set cycle, which is part of the reason Levon and I thought we were having trouble having a baby. I always assumed I was broke or something. I used to go for months at a time without a period. I can’t tell you what sort of hell that made my life when I was a teenager, back before the world went to shit. I constantly thought I was pregnant.”

  “Does Clyde have a guess how far along you are?”

  “He acts like he knows, but honestly I’ve been paying more attention to what Rachel thinks. She was a midwife back in the Red days, and she thinks he might be seven months along.”

  “He?” I asked, picking up on her use of the pronoun.

  “Rachel thinks it’s a boy, but we don’t have any way of knowing for sure. She says she’s never been wrong before, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up.”

  “You want it to be a boy?”

  She wavered her hand, but then nodded, “I guess so, but it doesn’t really matter. I’d be just as happy with a little girl. Hero always said that if he had a boy he’d name it Mark, after his brother. I sort of got used to it.” She set her hand on her belly and drew a circle with her palm. “Whenever I talk to him, I always call him Mark. It makes it easier. You know?”

  I did. The idea of a miniature Hero coming into the world made his loss seem a tiny bit more manageable. “He might still be out there somewhere.”

  She closed her eyes and sighed. “I think the two of us are the only ones still holding out hope for that, Billy.”

  “Well, the two of us know him better than anyone. He taught me a long time ago not to count him out.”

  I shouldn’t have brought him up. I could see the despair in Jill’s expression, even though she was feigning a smile. Her mood darkened as she continued to stare down at her belly. “He would’ve been such a good dad. Can’t you just see him? This poor kid would’ve had a million movies to watch. I bet Hero would’ve had Mark watching Star Wars before he was out of diapers.”

  We both laughed and I said, “I can guarantee it. Hell, he’d probably have the kid schooled on every Tarantino flick before he could even walk.”

  Jill groaned before chuckling in agreement. “I can promise you there would’ve been some fights about that. I’d end up turning into the movie police, always yelling at him to stop showing our kid ‘R’ rated stuff.”

  “Did he ever make you watch his Japanese cartoons?”

  “The anime stuff?” asked Jill. “Oh yeah. He was obsessed with it.”

  “I remember one time when we stumbled into a trader that had a box full of those movies. Hero just about shit himself he was so excited. There was one director in particular that he loved. Me-ah, something or other.”

  “Miyazaki,” said Jill, knowingly.

  “Yeah, that’s it. He loved that guy.”

  Jill nodded and offered me a quick smile before glancing back down again. She took a long breath and then said, “I miss him so much, every damn day.”

  “Me too.”

  “I always promised myself that if I ever had a kid, I’d make sure it had a relationship with the father. That used to be so important to me when I was growing up. It kills me that I’m not going to…” she stopped, silenced by sudden tears.

  “Jill,” I said as I reached out to her, but she turned and started to walk away.

  “I should go.”

  “Jill, wait.” I tried to wheel my chair over to her, but the locks prevented me. I flipped the levers that held the wheels in place and then rolled quickly after her. “Wait.”

  “No, I need to go,” she said as she continued towards the door.

  I stopped the chair and flipped up the footrests before slamming the levers back down that placed the stoppers against the wheels. I set my feet on the floor and said, “I’m standing. Jill, I need your help. I’m getting up.” Truth be told, I could probably manage to walk if needed. Unbeknownst to Jill, one of the scavengers had brought back a bottle of prescription pain killers that I kept to help me ignore my back pain when needed. Jill and Clyde insisted that I not take these types of pills for a variety of reasons, the most important being that I could damage myself by masking pain. Of course, I’d been doing that for years.

  “Billy,” she said in protest as she paused at the door.

  I kept pushing myself up. “I’m going to get up, and then I might fall face first on the floor if you don’t help me.”

  “Billy, stop playing,” she said, and I heard the glimmer of amusement in her tone.

  “I’m not playing. Look at me. I feel real weak, Jill.” My legs wobbled as I forced myself up. It was only partially theatrics.

  She walked over to me with a sideways grin. “You’re a pain in the ass, Mr. Hendrix.”

  I clasped her shoulders when she was close enough and she gripped my waist to support me. I pulled her in for a hug, which she hadn’t been expecting. I held her tight and said, “You’re never going to have to worry about that kid having a father. Okay? That baby in your belly’s going to have a whole lot of people looking after him.”

  She held onto me, and after a long moment she whispered, “Thanks.”

  * * *

  Laura insisted that we not make an affair out of Annie and Ben’s trip. Despite our attempt to keep her departure a secret, word quickly spread and we were deluged with a variety of requests. Some of the Rollers wanted to set out on their own scouting trips, and others were angry with me for not allowing more frequent scavenging trips, saying that if Annie could be trusted to be gone for a week then they should be allowed to search Castle Rock with more regularity. The Vineyard refugees wanted permission to go home and dig for valuables, and when we explained that it was too dangerous they promised that they wouldn’t get caught, as if they could guarantee such a thing.

  I was curt with them, but Laura was more even-keeled and considerate. Over the past few months I’d come to accept that she was a better leader than I’d ever been. For me, it was hard to accept when someone didn’t fall in line with my plans, and I wasn’t good at listening to other people’s viewpoints. Laura, on the other hand, was quite gifted at making people feel like she truly wanted to hear their opinions before she explained why they were wrong. I don’t have that sort of patience.

  “They’ll be back in a week,” said Laura as she stood at the doorway to her room. I was inside with Zack, Annie, Arthur, and David as Laura spoke to someone in the hall. We were being consistently interrupted every few minutes as the rest of the people in the building buzzed about the implications of Annie’s trip. “We can decide then.”

  The person in the hall tried to argue, but Laura was quick to end the conversation. “We’ll talk about it at the meeting tomorrow. Okay? Thanks, Deb.” She closed the door, and then turned around to face us with an exasperated expression.

  “I’m starting to think the reason you didn’t want us to go wasn’t because you were worried about me,” said Annie. “It was because you didn’t want to deal with all this shit.”

  “You’re not the only one that’s looking forward to getting out of this place for a while,” said Laura. “I think everyone’s at their wits end.”

  “Cabin fever,” said Zack. “It’s been a long winter. It’ll be good to start getting some of these folks out to New Vineyard.”

  Another knock came at the door, and Laura’s posture deflated. The door o
pened a crack and Clyde leaned in. “It’s Jill and me. Can we come in?”

  “Oh sure,” said Laura, clearly happy to see him instead of yet another complaining Roller or refugee. “Come on in.”

  Clyde opened the door and waited for Jill to come in before closing it. These rooms hadn’t been designed to accommodate more than a few people comfortably. We all crowded in, some of us on the beds and others on the floor. Three pillar candles provided our only light as our haggard group gathered.

  “Troops are getting restless,” said Clyde and the rest of us groaned in agreement. “They’re pushing to send scouts out…”

  Laura stopped him, “No business. Not tonight.”

  “But we…”

  Clyde was interrupted again, this time by Zack, “No business.”

  “I just wanted to get everyone together,” said Laura. “To get our family together. As much as I love the Rollers, you guys are the ones I think of as family. If nothing else, we sure do manage to fight with each other like we’re related.”

  She smiled in my direction and I nodded in agreement. “No doubt about that.”

  “I wanted to get you all in here for two reasons,” said Laura as she went to stand beside Zack, in front of the dresser that was on the wall that the beds faced. At one point there had been a television mounted on the wall, but it had long ago been taken down and replaced with children’s drawings. “First, to say goodbye to Annie. As you all know by now, she’s going to be headed off on a scouting trip tomorrow morning.”

  We all responded with a muted congratulations, as if we wanted to pretend we were living in a bygone era and were asked to say farewell to a child on her way to college. David was the only one that didn’t already know about his aunt’s departure, and he reacted with pointed concern. Annie had to promise him that she would be careful, but he didn’t seem convinced.

  “Your auntie’s going to be fine,” said Laura. “There’s no one else in this whole building that I think has a better chance of charging out into the wild and coming back without a scratch.”

  “Promise,” said David to his aunt. “Promise you’ll be okay.”

  “I promise,” said Annie as she knelt beside her nephew.

  “I also wanted to get you all together because I need to tell you something else,” said Laura and I saw that she was holding tightly onto Zack’s hand. She was nervous, which baffled me. I couldn’t recall ever seeing Laura acting this way. She looked in my direction and said, “Billy, you’re the only one here other than Annie and me that ever got a chance to meet my husband, David.”

  I nodded, uncertain where this was going. I offered, “He saved our lives.”

  She smiled and took a long breath before continuing. “Yes he did. And I loved him so much. I miss him every day, and I’m never going to stop loving him. I used to always say that he was married to me his whole life, so I planned on being married to him for my whole life too. It seemed like the right thing to do. But then this big oaf showed up and just wouldn’t stop pestering me.” She nudged Zack and smiled up at him.

  “Hey,” he said with a wide grin. “I’m nothing if not persistent.”

  “That’s true,” said Laura. “He’s been asking me to marry him for years. He’ll just throw the question into random conversations, like one day I might slip up and say yes.”

  “One of these days,” said Zack and the rest of us laughed along with him.

  “And after all these years, despite my better judgment, I fell in love with you. Which is why I need to ask you a question.” Laura got down on one knee and the room erupted in gasps that turned into jubilant cheering. Laura had to shout her question, “Zack, will you marry me?”

  “About damn time,” said Zack with the widest smile I’d ever seen creasing his beard.

  Annie was the loudest of everyone as we clapped and cheered while Zack and Laura kissed. Annie rushed over and enveloped them in a hug before kissing them both on the cheeks.

  “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were going to do this,” said Annie. “When’s the big day?”

  “Sooner the better,” said Zack as he put his arm around his fiancé.

  “Well, if it’s okay with you,” said Laura as she looked up at Zack, “I was thinking we could have a ceremony when we’re setting up the new settlement. Bonnie and Beach got married when they started Vineyard, so maybe we could do the same to kick off the new settlement.”

  “Sounds good to me,” said Zack.

  I was perplexed, and concerned. “Wait,” I said as I considered what Laura had said. “Are you thinking of staying at the settlement instead of with the Rollers?”

  It seemed that no one else in the room had gleaned the same from what she’d said, but I could see the confirmation in the way she looked at me. We silently waited for her answer.

  She offered me the faintest of smiles, and it sounded like she was apologizing when she said, “It’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but I’m going to step down as captain. If you want to take over, Billy, I’ll do everything I can to help you, but I think it’ll be better for everyone if I help with New Vineyard.”

  I wasn’t sure if I was angry, annoyed, or simply confused. I wanted to leave, but I was trapped in my chair as Laura stared at me. She expected an answer, but I didn’t have one. At that moment, it felt like I didn’t have any answers at all.

  5 – A Break in the Silence

  Annie Conrad

  The sun hadn’t even crested the horizon by the time we made it to the highway. The inky night sky faded, and the orange blaze of sunrise had finally started to appear in the distance. Midnight’s chill persisted, as if mocking my insistence that spring had finally broken winter.

  My mother and Zack followed behind us in a sedan while I rode with Ben, Harrison, and Stubs in a camouflage Jeep Wrangler. I was in the passenger seat and Harrison was in the back with Stubs as Ben drove. I kept an eye on the brightening landscape and caught sight of the first peek of the sun as it broke the plain.

  Ben pulled over on the side of the road and Zack parked behind us. Ben glanced over at me and said, “Do they want us to get out?”

  “No,” I said as I unbuckled myself and started to open my door. “I think she just doesn’t want me to go say goodbye. Give me a minute.”

  I got out and closed the door behind me before walking over to Zack’s car. Mom was getting out of the passenger side, and she crossed her arms as the cold morning air chilled her.

  “It’s so cold,” she said and the fog of her breath was carried away by the breeze. Her nose was cherry red, and her cheeks were beginning to blush. “Annie, are you sure you don’t want to give it a couple more weeks? What if the Jeep breaks down?”

  “Then we’ll hotwire something else.” It was clear that she was just trying to think of anything she could to delay our departure.

  “Did you check the packs?” she asked about our gear. “You know how Abe can be. He always remembers to pack those fireworks of his, but sometimes he forgets the really important stuff. He might’ve forgotten…”

  “I checked them and so did Ben,” I said as Zack came around the front of the car to stand beside us. “The packs are fine. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this, you know?”

  “I know,” she said as she continued to stare at me. She reached out and twirled my hair as she smiled. “Your hair looks so pretty in the sunshine.”

  “Thanks, mom,” I said, humoring her. “We should probably get going.”

  “Just give me a minute,” she said and her voice trembled. “Just a minute.”

  “You don’t have to worry about me,” I said.

  Zack chuckled and put his arm on my shoulder. “That’s not the way it works, kid. We’re parents. All we do is worry.”

  “Well, stop it,” I said, although I wasn’t angry. If my mother had acted this way six months earlier, at the outset of one of my other sojourns, I would’ve been annoyed and probably accused her of treating me like a child. Thi
s time was different. Kim’s death had shaken my mother to her core, and the effects were evident in her sickly pallor and gaunt cheeks. She looked ten years older than she was. I knew that her over-protectiveness was because she was terrified of losing another child. It would kill her.

  I hugged her, and felt her boney shoulders tremble as I squeezed her tight. She sobbed, and I pulled away to look at her in exasperation. “Mom, stop it. I’m going to be fine.”

  “I know,” she said as she sheepishly wiped away the tears. She smiled, nodded, and tried to feign happiness. “I know you will be. You’re a tough girl. Tougher than I ever was.” She reached out again and touched my cheek. She wiped away one of her own tears that had stuck to my cheek during our embrace.

  “If I’m at New Vineyard when you get back, I want you to come right there. Okay?”

  I nodded and agreed. I still wasn’t thrilled with her decision to keep me out of the Rollers’ fight with Jerald, but even Billy had sided with her on this. When I returned, I was going to be in charge of helping New Vineyard train new scouts, just like I’d been trained by Jules so many years earlier.

  “We should let them get going,” said Zack.

  Laura continued to stare at me for a moment as she took a long breath. She finally nodded and said, “Okay.” She pulled me in for another hug and then proceeded to kiss my face in several spots like she used to when I was a child. I laughed, but she was undaunted and continued to kiss me. “Go.” She said finally as she let me go. Her abrupt command was her way of trying to deal with this quickly, like tearing off a bandage so it hurt a little less. “Get going.”

  “I love you,” I said as I walked backward and waved. “I’ll see you in a week.”

  She waved, and then hurried to get back in her car.

  “Be careful, kid,” said Zack as he made his way to the driver’s seat.

  “I will,” I said as I got back into the Jeep.

  “We good to go?” asked Ben as I got back in.