by Leanne Davis
But Tracy finally smiled softly and held her hand out. “Come here, baby girl.”
Kylie jumped up and fell into her mother’s embrace. Tracy held her other arm out toward Ally. “You too.”
Ally was at her other side just as quickly. Both girls grabbed onto her like the lifeline she symbolized to them. Donny felt tears filling his eyes for the first time. It wasn’t money. Or Micah. Or Tracy. Or even Vickie, but rather the confused grief of little girls. He glanced at Julia. What would her mother’s neglect do to her? What kind of grief would she cause Julia? What kind of comfort could Vickie ever be?
“Are you dying?” Kylie’s voice was muffled against her arm.
Tracy’s gaze met Donny’s and they shared a small, private, sad smile. Perhaps only that question from Kylie could have made Tracy smile, today of all days. “No. I’m not. I’m not sick either. I’ve been upset. Come on, girls, you won’t be going to school today. We need to talk.”
She turned and led them to the living room. Donny cleaned up Julia and followed them. Reluctantly. He wasn’t sure if he should have been there. He glanced at Tracy in hesitation. She nodded to a chair with her head, indicating that he should sit.
She sat between the girls, like a natural mother. Donny never noticed it until he had his own daughter. Then suddenly, Tracy became a lot more interesting to him. He always liked her, as there was nothing not to like. Two years behind him in school, they became friendly during middle and high school. He always kept track of Gretchen because his brother had a thing for her. But Tracy? He couldn’t say he ever had any opinion about her. She was nice. And polite. She was always a smiling, sweet, red-haired, fun acquaintance. It never went so deep as friendship, and he never felt a spark like he might want to date her. They got along just fine ever since he first showed up at a family dinner as Vickie’s date. He liked Micah immediately, and they struck up a quick rapport. He often sought out Micah’s company while the women went off together. Micah was funny and intelligent, eclipsing Tracy in everything. Donny remembered thinking that Micah was better suited to someone more articulate, successful, and impressive than Tracy. A woman who was more like Gretchen.
After Julia was born, however, Donny met a whole new Tracy, totally unknown to him before. She was brilliant, knowledgeable, confident and wonderful. Observing Tracy as a mother and caregiver was like watching an engineer devise an elaborate fix for a technical problem. She swiftly snatched his newborn daughter from his wife, who held her in a clumsy, almost scared embrace, and quickly swaddled the baby. Then, she adeptly tucked Julia into her arms while talking and making funny faces at her.
Donny watched Tracy often from then on, but made sure to keep it discreet. His interest wasn’t sexual in nature, but rather, sheer amazement. She was so good with kids. That simple revelation was something he never knew before. She always said the right thing, and it was never trite or insignificant. It was heartfelt. She listened to children and easily interacted with them. Every day. All the time. It wasn’t anything special to her. She simply cared for them and wanted to be there. She could take Julia and fix whatever ailed her in less than five minutes, while he and Vickie struggled for over an hour. Donny was as inept as Vickie at first, but he was anxious to learn. For the first three months, Julia cried non-stop while suffering an awful case of colic.
The only person who could soothe her was Tracy. Hence, that was how Tracy became their go-to babysitter, rather than his own mother or Tracy’s mother. Last year, Tracy started school, and Donny was selfishly annoyed at that. It meant she preferred not to watch Julia. She didn’t ever really want to. He knew that too. As he more fully realized the repercussions of Vickie’s problems, he became increasingly desperate for Tracy’s help, sometimes, even taking advantage of her kindness. He knew, right down to his core, that Tracy would take excellent care of Julia, no matter what. And Vickie would not.
Now, he found it hard to watch them. He felt like he was watching a bridge implode with the girls on it, and he was standing off to the side, without giving any warning to them. He stared at his own hands and dreaded what was coming. His stomach turned. Never mind his own circumstances, now he had to face his nieces after losing their house and father all in one day? It was excruciating.
Tracy was the strongest person he knew. She dragged herself out of bed only for them. That was something he was pretty sure Vickie would never do for Julia. Rarely did she even drag herself out of bed to feed her.
Tracy took in a deep breath and starting speaking in a soft, kind voice. “Dad… he made a mistake. A really, really big mistake. The kind that adults know better than to make. He was supposed to be punished for it. He should have been punished for it. But he didn’t think he could handle it.”
Ally’s entire face scrunched in confusion. “What did he do? D-did he do it with someone else?” “Do it” was whispered in a shameful tone.
Tracy grabbed her hand. “No. Do you hear me? No. He wouldn’t do that.”
“Then what did he do?”
“He made some mistakes at work. He lost some people’s money, including our own. And he tried to make up for it in ways that are not allowed. Ways he thought would make everything all right again. Instead… it went all wrong.” Tracy paused as she looked from one daughter to the other. With a large gulp, she went in for the kill. “He would have gone to prison for what he did. It’s called stealing. Embezzling. Insider trading.”
“The police took him away?” Kylie said in a horrified squeak.
Donny’s heart squeezed. Fuck. This was so wrong. What could have possibly possessed Micah to do that to them? How was Tracy getting through it? The woman who collapsed on him last night was a mess of emotions he doubted she even remembered. The woman he saw before him now? Fearless. A warrior. The way she managed to rally herself for the children, who relied on her, was nothing short of epic. And it wasn’t missed by Donny. Perhaps that was because his own wife could barely change his baby’s diaper. “No. Dad… Dad ran away. He ran off. Instead of doing what was right. He ran off.”
Stunned silence. Then Ally wailed, “Yes, but where is he?! I want to talk to him! Right now! I want to talk to my dad!”
Tracy’s face streamed with tears. Her hands shook as she stroked both girls’ hair. Her voice shaking, she continued, “He’s gone, sweetie. As in, he left us. Left the state, I guess. I don’t know where he went. Here. Here is the note I found. I won’t lie to you. I’ll tell you everything from this day forward.”
Donny was shocked she let them read his last letter. She must’ve been made of freaking steel to stand and do that. He continued to stare uselessly at his feet. Vickie appeared in the living room entrance before coming over to sit by him. She took his hand and he squeezed hers. She was uncharacteristically quiet.
Then… tears. So much crying and confusion, he didn’t know what to do. Vickie got up and tried to comfort the girls too, but there was no solace for either one. Who could have blamed them? Just like Tracy was last night. Yet, to her children, she was totally pulled together and calm and soothing, speaking to them in a voice that didn’t rise. She stroked their hair and shoulders as she hugged and kissed their heads. She let them protest and scream with her, at her, at life, and mostly at their father.
Donny was in awe.
He shifted in the chair and didn’t know what to do. He was the only man in the room and really didn’t want to be there. The crying girls, sobbing sisters, made him think of about a thousand other places he would have preferred to be. But thanks to Micah fucking McKinley, he had a feeling this was right where he’d find himself for the near future. Julia crawled around the living room, oblivious to the grief her cousins were enduring. He leaned down and picked her up, hugging her to him, smelling the soft scent of strawberry from the shampoo Tracy used on her. His heart clenched. How could a father ever leave his daughters like that? It was completely unimaginable. Not to mention, tragic, and it made his own insides ache to think about losing Julia.
J
ulia smiled up at him and grabbed his cheek when he twisted her around so he could stare into her little, round, porcelain-white face.
He didn’t know. He had no idea when Vickie got pregnant that Julia would be the end result. It was all so abstract. Something miraculous was happening, yes, but not this, not what he felt now. His heart felt like it beat outside his chest in the form of this little creature. She was born and everything, without any exceptions, that came before her, and everyone who came before her, lost all importance in his life. He loved Julia in a way he loved no one else. Not his parents. Or his brother. Or Vickie.
And now, Micah had just thrown everything away. Like trash. He treated his daughters and Tracy like disposable items he could leave on the curb. And for what? Fear? His fear of going to prison? Prison would have been easier to endure for Donny than the idea of separating from his daughter for good. Or causing so much pain to them. Julia squirmed when he almost convulsively hugged her closer to his chest. He could not fathom losing her. Death. That would be about the only way she could not be in his life.
The money, the crimes, and the shocking betrayal were nothing compared to Micah deserting his children. Only an amoral monster without any conscience could be willing do that.
Even Vickie wouldn’t opt to leave Julia forever.
A warm rush of feelings filled his heart as he glanced at his wife. She was there. Not half-assed there, but completely there. She held Tracy last night. She soothed and talked to her, sleeping next to her and comforting her. She was now holding Ally in her arms as all four of them huddled together, crying.
His heart swelled even more. Look at her. She was doing it. She was trying to comfort the little girls just like a mother would. Hope started to flicker in his chest. Maybe. Maybe there was still something between them. Maybe she really could become a decent mother to his daughter. Maybe even a decent wife to him.
They rushed into their marriage. Obviously. It hadn’t worked, but the thing was: there they were. They were married and had created this perfect, tiny, little person who needed both of them. Julia was a very compelling, albeit, fulfilling, reason to make it work.
It didn’t really matter how they got there, but where they took it. For the first time in a long while, his mood lifted when he thought that maybe they did have a bright future.
His guilt was instant. Here he was, hopeful for the first time in months with his own small, new family while Tracy’s long-time, entrenched family had completely fallen apart and combusted.
Although he and Vickie were facing something real and scary, they had a chance of fixing it, and making their family work. What would Tracy do now?
How could the man they all so admired leave his family like that? In ruins. Wrecked. Broken.
Donny sat up straighter as he gently set his wiggling toddler on the floor. She immediately scootched off and pulled herself up on the coffee table. Donny was not like Micah. He would never willingly leave his wife or his daughter. He could not do anything that might destroy their family. His newfound resolve lodged tightly in his stomach. No, he was not like Micah, and would not abandon Vickie; and he would never leave Julia. They could figure something out still. Vickie had a problem, but it wasn’t the end of their relationship. Just a hurdle. A hill. Okay, maybe a mountain, but it was worth climbing.
Vickie glanced up, her face streaming with wet tears. He smiled just barely at her and she held his gaze. He swore he could hear the empathy she felt toward her sister and read that in her thoughts. She didn’t often share emotions that were for real. She answered him with a soft smile.
They just might be okay. Micah’s unexpected departure might turn out to be the wakeup call he needed. And the command to duty required to support Vickie and help her. Instead of blaming her, and being angry at her, maybe it was time to assist his wife.
In many ways, he wasn’t much better than Micah. He blamed Vickie for all their problems. First, for getting pregnant, and forcing him to marry way too soon. Second, for having a problem, which so corrupted their lives, and which, technically, was not her fault. His anger was blurring her efforts to get help and rehabilitation. In all honesty, he was completely furious she was an alcoholic. It was not what he signed on for when they first hooked up. But her speech this week kind of put him to shame. She was right. He would not have still been with Vickie if he’d known about her disease. Were it not for Julia, he would not be there.
But he was there. And that’s what mattered now. Not how they got there.
With that resolution, he reached his hand out to take Vickie’s. She turned back to the girls, but jerked around and turned her head up towards him.
He mouthed, “I’m sorry.”
Her mouth popped open. Fresh, real tears filled her eyes. She nodded her head and pressed her lips together before returning to the sad scene before her.
When he glanced up, Tracy was staring at him. Kylie was sobbing against her chest as she absentmindedly rubbed the child’s back. Her own face was blotchy red and wet. He probably never saw anyone cry as much as Tracy McKinley did before him now. But her gaze was sharply fastened on his. Her frown and scowl were real.
What? he almost asked. Why did his exchange with Vickie make her so angry?
Julia started to fuss and he sighed and stood up. He wanted to take his daughter away from things no little girl should ever have to witness or hear.
****
Well, what the hell does one do on the day one’s husband leaves his wife and children? Tracy had no idea. She sat for two hours while her daughters wept all over her. Literally. Their tears soaked her t-shirt and the skin on her arms. She petted and soothed them, while crying with them on and off. She finally tried to shush them and get them to calm down. Several times, one or the other nearly hyper-ventilated.
Dealing with her children’s grief helped her own heart, brain and soul temporarily ignore what just happened to her. Maybe she could burrow inside their grief and never again have to experience her own. She didn’t want to hurt anymore. She never again wanted to feel how she felt last night, when she realized Micah had voluntarily deserted her.
She didn’t expect that. The hollow feeling that she woke up with in her gut soon invaded the rest of her. Micah’s crimes had crushed her faith in life, and stomped on her image of herself and their marriage, but leaving her like that? Running away? That’s what really demolished her. She wasn’t sure she could have felt more betrayed than if she found out he had another wife.
What do you say to your children? She had no idea if what she said was right or wrong. None whatsoever. She simply told them the truth because she didn’t have the energy to concoct a lie. She had no good lies or euphemisms left in her. Micah fully destroyed the once articulate motherly maxims she formerly offered. She felt drained and empty. She worried if she somehow hadn’t conspired to impairing her children’s mental health as badly as their father’s desertion.
She could not believe he would leave them. It sounded very abstract to her. She could almost discuss it without the impact of the words really computing that she was speaking in reference to herself. How did she ever start to help them deal with that? Or heal from that? How could she teach them to accept that? How could she expect two young girls to accept it when she wasn’t sure she could?
Vickie was there. And so was Donny. They left her for a while so she could try and talk to the girls alone, just the three of them, all that was left of the McKinleys. That, however, just ended with both girls wailing, crying that they wanted their daddy before sobbing uncontrollably again.
Naturally, so did Tracy.
Finally, after literally wearing themselves out, they sat on opposite ends of the couch and stared in a zombie-like trance at the Disney channel. Tracy didn’t know what else to do with them. Their distress was physically making them sick. After she calmed them down a bit, she let them vedge out in front of the TV. She had nothing profound, inspiring, or even comforting left to offer them. She was totally empty.
“Where’s Julia?”
“Napping,” Donny replied, avoiding her gaze. What was that? He and Vickie had a weird moment out in the living room; one Tracy never saw them have together before.
Tracy nearly fell onto a kitchen bar stool.
“Can I get you anything?” Donny asked after several long moments of awkward silence. Tracy simply stared at her bitten-up, shredded nail cuticles. A week ago, they were manicured and painted a nice, pretty red. The last few days, however, she bit and picked at them, trying to pacify her unrelenting nerves. Suddenly, it was like everything ended… it was over. All of it. Her life. Her marriage. Even her distress. The money? It now meant nothing. Yesterday, it was everything. The fear and uncertainty surrounding how she could lead her family alone with Micah in prison dominated every thought. Today? Who cared about money? Micah left her. Nothing else mattered now.
She shrugged listlessly. What would she do now? Right this moment, what should she be doing? Normally, she had errands, chores, school or homework to occupy her time. She’d just go… and do something. But now, with her kids utterly destroyed in the living room, what should she have been doing right now? Nothing was normal. Normal was spending time deciding what to fix for dinner, or preparing for the kids to come bounding into the house, and then running around to get one or both of them to practice sports, or completing their homework before more sports. Usually, she had plenty to do.
But now, there was nothing. She felt the way a household looks after a funeral. Nothing normal felt right to do. It all felt like shit. But there was nothing else to say. They could talk about it some more, which would only result in making all them cry again. Or she could have gone to bed. But what good was that? For the first time, Tracy didn’t know what to do with herself.
Vickie came over and sat next to her. “When did you eat last, Tracy? Or shower? Maybe you should do that. It might help.” Vickie lifted a limp, ratty chunk of her red hair. Tracy always hated her hair. It was so red. Not a beautiful strawberry-blond red or auburn; but plain, old red. It was thick and long, but still red. Both of her sisters had beautiful shades of platinum hair. Not her. She got the red hair and gray eyes. They were seven years apart, but Gretchen and Vickie could have passed for twins.
