by Leanne Davis
Tracy was the shorter, paler, mousier middle sister with red hair. She was the ordinary, nice, sweet sister whose only claim to anything was marrying her wonderful, impressive husband, and having two beautiful children and a really “nice” family unit.
That was all gone. Everything she used to define herself by was gone. She was left feeling hollow and empty, her ugly red hair and plainness virtually seeping out of her pores.
But she could certainly have used a shower. “Okay, I’ll shower.”
Vickie smiled as if to say, “Atta girl.” Her expression was too bright, however, because she was trying too hard to be a good sister for Tracy.
Tracy reached over and squeezed her hand. “Thank you, Vickie. I really needed you last night.”
Vickie squeezed her hand back. “I’m just so sorry. Donny told me about the money. But when he called about this… I just can’t believe Micah would do that. Even I wouldn’t do that.”
She felt a small, tiny smile tugging the corners of her lips. She ruffled her little sister’s hair. Loveable. That was how Vickie always got her. She was so loyal to Gretchen and her, and so damn loveable, despite everything about her that wasn’t. “You sell yourself too short. There is a lot you wouldn’t do.”
Donny watched their exchange. When she raised her head, her eyes locked onto his. What was going on with him? Tracy shook her head as if to shake out the thoughts. She had no room, none, for anyone else right now. Selfish as it was, she just couldn’t find it inside her to care for another person.
She started to get up, the stool sliding back on the tile floor. “Donny, will you call Tony and Gretchen? I can’t face the shock and questions and ‘how could Micah’ over the phone. Would you?”
He nodded. “Of course. You ready to tell them?”
“I have to tell everyone. There is no hiding it. This is my new life.”
“You don’t think he just got spooked? And might come back? He might have panicked and now realizes he can’t really do that either.”
“He made a new identity. He didn’t do that yesterday or even this week. He had that all set up and in place. He had an exit strategy already in place. He was ready and prepared and willing to do this. He’s quite methodical when he decides to do things. So no, I won’t sit here hoping that. He did this. All of this. But he didn’t have to leave; and he did. So I won’t sit around waiting like the good, little housewife I’ve always tried to be for him. No. No way. No more. He’s lost her. He’s ruined her. I’m no longer that idealized apparition.”
The problem was: Tracy had no identity outside of being Micah’s wife. And not in a sad, pathetic way either. She loved being his wife. She loved her former life. Until this moment, she never lacked anything. But now he snatched all that away from her. Vickie and Donny studied her with weary gazes. She sounded crazy. She didn’t care. Not anymore. She spun on her bare feet and trudged to the bathroom she used to share with her husband.
The shower was hot, and it took her five minutes to comb out all the snarls, using a quarter bottle of conditioner. Three good washings were necessary to get the greasy mess clean. And then… she could only stand there. The water went from hot to warm to cold; and all the while, she simply cried. Tears burned in her eyes and rolled down her face.
She finally knew what to do today. She cried. Her heart seemed to twist, and pieces of it turned black in anger, rage, heartbreak, and betrayal. All for the one man she sincerely loved.
Now, all she could do to cope with it was standing there naked, alone, under the showerhead and cry.
Chapter Six
DONNY CALLED HIS BROTHER and Gretchen. They listened to his story with rapt, but shocked captivation. When he finished, all he heard on the other end of the phone line was total silence, which was kind of how Donny’s own brain felt. How could that be Micah and Tracy? Then, the typical barrage of questions, shock and exclamations came in rapid succession amidst lots of swearing at and about Micah McKinley. Still, no one had an answer to the biggest question: how could everyone have been so wrong about Micah?
“All right. We’ll figure things out on this end, but expect us there soon. Tell Tracy… shit, I don’t know what to tell her. Just tell her Gretchen will be there as soon as she can,” Tony said as he finally found his voice.
“Yeah. I will.”
Vickie watched him slowly hang up the phone. “I’m glad Gretchen’s coming. She’s good at that kind of stuff.”
Donny crossed the kitchen and sat down next to Vickie. “You were too. You were perfect last night, and today with the girls.”
Vickie shrugged, looking disheartened. “They’ve always been so easy for me to love. I don’t know why I can so easily love and care and do the right things for my sisters… while also doing the not so right things that I do.”
He touched her shoulder. “I think you know why. You have a problem. A real one. The kind of problem that Tracy is up against.”
“We can’t deal with it right now. The rehab? Going away? I can’t leave right now. Surely, you see that, Donny?”
He dropped his hand from her and pinched the bridge of his nose. Just when he saw glimmers of hope with Vickie… “There will be no good time. You can’t wait with this. You don’t remember passing out, alone in the house with our fifteen-month-old daughter. You need as much help right now as Tracy does.”
“I can’t leave her.”
“Gretchen is coming.”
“Gretchen can’t stay. She’s just visiting. And I love my parents, but you and I both know they don’t like conflict and won’t want to deal with it. And what about Julia? Who is going to take care of her? Tracy can’t; now…”
“We have parents. Mine will come home to help when I tell them everything.”
Vickie shook her head. Her voice was nearly raw. “I can’t tell them all of this now. It has to wait.”
“For what? You to lose your resolve? For you to decide you’re really fine? For you to have another relapse and end up on a binge for three days? Remember the time I couldn’t find you for an entire weekend? Where were you? Passed out in some hotel room, fifty miles away, totally unaware of how you got there.” Or if she cheated. He started using condoms after that. He wasn’t sure, and neither was she since she couldn’t remember most of the three days.
She flinched. “I sound so horrible.”
“Your problem is pretty horrible.”
“But you saw Tracy in there. I just can’t abandon them.” He bit his tongue before asking what exactly, in the long term, did Vickie think she could do for Tracy? Her help was perfect now, but Vickie couldn’t sustain anything for more than a few days. Not even cooking dinner three nights in a row.
“I think you have to.”
She closed her eyes as air escaped her mouth. “Will you take care of her?”
“Who?”
“Tracy. She isn’t like Gretchen, all independent and take charge. She’s had Micah by her side since she was eighteen years old. I don’t mean she is pathetic or anything. Micah, until this day, was the one who always looked after her. She’s never been alone. Not as an adult.”
He bit down on his tongue to keep the rude retort in. As if Vickie was doing so well alone as an adult? He tried to act the way she described Micah was for Tracy; but with Vickie, it got him nowhere. Now she wanted him to do that with Tracy? Although he kind of saw her point. Vickie was street-wise, and not sheltered, or kind of naive like Tracy.
“I don’t think she needs me that much.”
“She does. She will.”
“Yeah. I mean, I’ll need to have her help with Julia. So sure, I’ll help her in return.”
Vickie winced. Staring hard at her fingers, she said, “I can’t believe I’m going to do this.”
He tucked a finger under her chin and lifted her face up before staring into her eyes. “Please do this. I’m desperate here. Please keep your word. Don’t flake on me. Not this time. It’s too important.”
A soft smirk curled her lips
. “I flake a lot. It’s easier. Then I feel bad about it and go drink. You see the vicious cycle.”
He put his hand to her cheek, and she tilted her face into it. “I see it. I see the pain too. The disappointment. I don’t believe this is the woman you want to be.”
“I don’t. But sometimes, it isn’t strong enough for me to stop. Part of me… part of me likes it, Donny. It shames me to admit. But it’s also true. And that’s what we’re doing here, right? Being truthful.”
“I need the truth. There is nothing left in me to deal with anymore lies.”
A cry sounded from upstairs. “Julia. I’ll go get her.”
Donny stood and sprinted up the stairs. He didn’t fail to notice that Vickie did not.
****
Tracy threw on clean clothes: workout pants and a t-shirt. She let her hair dry naturally and didn’t bother with any makeup. She checked on her girls, who were both curled up together on the couch with Vickie. Little was said. Julia played around contentedly on the floor before them. Tracy quietly bypassed all of them, unprepared for another round of heartache. Not yet. First, she needed to do something productive.
Donny glanced up when she walked into the kitchen. “They’ll be here tonight.”
“Okay. I think I’ll call his family. Start there.”
Donny nodded sympathetically. “Yeah, probably a good idea.” His gaze traveled over her. “You seem a little less…”
“Catatonic? Don’t worry, it’ll return. I just need to be an adult for a few minutes. Telling the girls really hit home for me. I’m it. All they have left. I have to deal with it, no matter what I feel.”
“You’re not alone. You’ve got all of us. Look, do you mind if I start taking a look through his papers? We’ve got to figure out where all of us sit financially. I still can’t get over I ever thought it was a good idea to give Micah complete power over my affairs. I thought…”
She touched his hand gently. His knuckles were turning white where he gripped the counter in anger. “I know. I feel as stupid as you do. At least, you weren’t married to him.”
Donny blew his breath out. “Yeah. So tonight? After our siblings get here, we tell your parents?”
“Fine.”
“Okay. I’ll contact them.”
Her stomach cramped. Saying it out loud made it much more real. Unlike what she proclaimed, she half hoped, half expected, and half longed for Micah to walk through the front door, asking for forgiveness and saying he didn’t mean it. He was scared. He was sorry. He was back.
But somehow, deep in the pit of her stomach, she knew that would not be the case. He actually planned to do this. He devised a plan before leaving. He never intended to go to jail. She was sure now, that was what Donny would find when he started digging into his things. She should have done it, but her mental capacity wouldn’t allow her.
“Look, this is crappy timing, I know, but there’s something Vickie and I need to discuss with the family.”
Tracy turned to grab a coffee cup from the cabinet. Moving slowly, as if stuck in molasses, she stared at him. “Are you for real? You and Vickie? Now? You have to discuss her even now?”
He sighed and rubbed at his neck. “It’s important.”
She glared at him. “She’s pregnant again, isn’t she? I swear to God, Donny. I will not take care of another baby.”
He shook his head. “I wish it were that simple…”
Tracy frowned in confusion. “That simple? That would be awful. Catastrophic. Who has the time or money for another baby right now?”
“Just… we’ll talk tonight. I’ll leave you alone to call Micah’s parents.”
She barely registered when he left the room. Her thoughts were already drifting back to her problems. Now, he had to bring up Vickie and his problems? Couldn’t things ever just be about Tracy? Especially now? Today. It’s not like she asked for the total disaster that was now her life, but couldn’t it ever just be about her?
She sucked in a breath. That meant it was time to start telling people. Including her parents. She hated to. They always took comfort in knowing she and Micah were together.
She started with Micah’s parents. His brother. His boss at work. He left every single obligation to her. There were hours of redundant conversations ahead. Shocked outcries and tears. His mother cried. His father blistered her ear with his threats and promises of what he would do to Micah if Micah were ever found. That, in the end, just made her laugh. What could he do? No one knew where Micah was. Or if he were dead. Did he relocate so he could finish his life? That thought merely flashed quickly through her brain. No. No, Micah promised her that. He would not do that. Was he in a different state? Country? What? Where? The mystery of it, and not having any clues were the worst part. The sense of unreality prevailed and Tracy kept feeling like it wasn’t really happening. It couldn’t be real. Micah was on vacation. No, traveling for business. He’d be home soon. Normal guys like Micah didn’t just leave their wives and children after stealing substantial amounts of money from their employers. Her husband was now a prime suspect, running from the law. The thought made her stomach cramp. Funnier still were her in-laws’ reactions, and she almost barked out a laugh over them.
After she hung up, she had a feeling she would not hear from them again. She no longer had anything to offer them. Micah not only stole from them, but he completely abandoned them.
Did it ever occur to them to ask about her or the kids? No. Of course not; she was never what they wanted. And now? She had nothing they wanted. Her kids weren’t snotty enough for them, or raised to be spoiled brats. So what could her lovely, average children possibly provide for them?
There would be dozens more people to tell, and all kinds of things would come up. She couldn’t begin to imagine how much there was to do. It affected everything. And it would ruin everything. The girls… her head started to pound as she worried what exactly this could do to them.
Gretchen, Tony and their adopted daughter, Olivia, had arrived by evening. Olivia ran into the living room with a happy scream to see Kylie and Ally. Olivia was only six months younger than Kylie, but her birth date kept her a year behind Kylie in school. The three had fast become best friends. They ran off to Kylie’s room and Tracy’s heart swelled a little bit at that; for a few minutes, at least, they would be okay. She started to realize how her life might be like that now; clutching for just a few minutes of peace whenever she could seize it. As soon as Gretchen walked into the house, Tracy fell into her older sister’s embrace. She started to cry again. Her eyes were raw, swollen and aching. She never knew tears could cause so much physical pain.
“Why didn’t you call me right off?” Gretchen admonished gently.
She shook her head against her sister’s shoulder. Gretchen was six inches taller than she. “I didn’t dare think he’d leave. I was going to; I just never considered he’d leave me.” Her voice broke.
Gretchen’s hands tightened on her back. “No. No one could have. It’s an unreasonable reaction.” Gretchen leaned back and gently pushed Tracy’s hair back from her forehead, making her bangs flutter off her head and back down. “I’m here. Whatever you need. For however long.”
Forever? Did Gretchen get that she needed her for forever? She felt like she would need help forever. This wasn’t any hiccup. Or bad time. Not even a prison sentence. This was forever. There was no undoing it. Or what Micah did. Or that he made the choice to leave her.
She started shaking again. Tears. Damn it. Why wouldn’t they stop? Why wouldn’t they go away? A kind word. A soft touch. A hug. And off she went again. Crying. It was ridiculous. It was stupid. It was not who she wanted to be.
Get over it. She had to get over her shock and stunned outrage of Micah’s betrayal and quickly, before she could begin to deal with it. She had to survive it. Maybe even thrive from it.
She dried her eyes on the back of her sleeves. It was time to face the inevitable. She called her parents. They arrived within fifteen minutes a
fter hearing the news that Tony and Gretchen were in town. Now there was something big to discuss.
She answered their knock. Her father, Jay, was as tall as Gretchen, and wiry thin. Having lost most of his hair during the last decade, all that was left was gray. He was fit and trim, although her mother, Gayle, not so much. She always sported a few extra pounds that drove her nuts, and which she could never seem to lose. They were good parents. There was nothing Tracy could complain about growing up. Her parents provided well for them. They took family vacations, and helped with their children’s homework while keeping them busy with sports. They were good to their grandkids too. Each one was welcome anytime at their house, and greeted by treats and hugs and fun.
The only kind of annoying trait about her parents was they were so nice. To everyone. Strangers or kids. They would speak as kindly and involved to their neighborhood car mechanic as they did to their three daughters. They were always nice. This public sense of niceness kept them from ever getting really deep with any people. They weren’t the kind of people you went to for a long, soul-searching and honest talk. If something bothered her, Tracy always went to Gretchen, and Gretchen to her. They had been each other’s moral support since an early age. Vickie went to both of them. That was, perhaps, why she and her sisters were so close. Although they fought, mostly with Vickie, they never stayed mad for long and always came back together, all three of them.
Her parents’ biggest mistake was babying and pampering Vickie. It all started when she was born prematurely with lung complications, and almost died. After she survived that and came home from the hospital, her parents never seemed to get that Vickie was just a normal kid. She was fine, but they always treated her like she was unique and special. Not that they didn’t think Gretchen and Tracy were special, but Vickie was always spoiled rotten. Some kids in that situation grow up to become kind and compassionate. They want to share their good feelings with others because they received so much love and attention. Unfortunately, Vickie simply became irresponsible and self-entitled.
