by Leanne Davis
She suddenly lifted her hands to push against him. He stepped back immediately and dropped his hands. She stared up at him, the white of her eyes visible as her expression turned to horror. She slapped a hand over her mouth and started shaking her head.
“Oh no. Oh no. Oh no,” she chanted.
Even her exclamations and horrified remarks made him kind of smile. She was pretty fucking adorable in everything she did.
She kept shaking her head. “This didn’t happen. It was a… a silly mistake between friends. Things went too far. I mean, we are just two really lonely people caught up…”
“I’m not lonely,” he argued softly, his quiet tone emphasizing her almost panicked one. He knew what was he doing, and also knew he should not do it. But do it, he did.
“You are. We are,” she insisted, her eyes getting bigger, almost from fright. He felt his heart deflating. She was right. He could not mean to do this. There was no future for them. It was impossible. This was impossible. This was… just wrong. There was no way around it. He closed his eyes and slowly blinked a few times.
“Agreed. Just a mistake. Things went too far,” he repeated, insisting with his head that his heart believe the lie coming from his lips. He knew mistakes, and he knew kisses. This was neither a mistake nor a kiss between lonely friends.
“I love Micah. I want him. Not you. We are such good friends. You’ve been such a help to me of late, but you—”
He stepped forward and leaned down so his lips were just over her ear as he whispered, “I what, Tracy? I love Vickie? I want Vickie? Even you can’t finish that sentence.”
Her squeak would have normally made him smile, but her distress wasn’t faked. The blush staining her neck and cheeks was bright and deep. It horrified her. Their behavior together shamed her. He didn’t want it to, even if it shamed him also.
“Please…”
“I know. It’s wrong. It was just a moment, Tracy. A weird moment between a man and woman whose spouse’s actions threw them together unintentionally. Forget it, okay? We’ll forget it happened. It was just a nice night, you know? Don’t have those much anymore, do we? And whose fault is that? I guess we can’t really claim we are related. We aren’t really brother and sister. We’re a man and a woman, and things progressed to their natural conclusion. Doesn’t mean anything… right?”
Her breath slowly released. “No. It means nothing. We can’t…”
“I know,” he said softly, almost sadly. “I know.”
She visibly swallowed and her shoulders sagged in relief. He wished he could feel her relief. Instead, he moved to turn around and walk out on the woman who captured his interest, his friendship, and maybe, his romantic feelings.
****
She slammed the door on him and leaned her forehead into it, then lifted her head and slammed it down on the wood three times. What had she just done? How could she do that? It was awful. Scandalous. Slutty. Wrong. So, so wrong. Oh God. How could she kiss Donny Lindstrom? Her brother-in-law? Her kids’ uncle? Her husband’s best friend? She was a skanky, slutty, ho-bag. She was…
“Tracy?”
She jerked off the door, lifting her face up and looking around. What the?
Donny. His voice traveled to her from the other side of the door. “I can hear you beating your head on the door. Don’t. Forget it, I mean it. As of now, it’s forgotten, right?”
She turned a deeper crimson. The excessive flush of heat made sweat bead on her forehead. She was so embarrassed. She nodded at the door even if he could not see her. “Forgotten.” Her voice was a weird, high-pitched squeak.
She heard his footsteps retreating, and finally backed up from the door. The lethal door. The door that turned her into a skanky, slutty, ho-bag. She ran upstairs and splashed water onto her face and into her mouth before brushing her teeth. Then she repeated it three more times and washed her mouth with mint-flavored mouthwash. There. Brother-in-law germs gone. Done.
If only she could wash away her actions as easily as she did the germs.
She huddled on the bed and stared at the empty side. “It’s your fault, Micah McKinley. If you were here, I’d have never looked twice at Donny. Never. Ever. Nor would I have spent twenty-four hours a day being connected to him in one way or another, so something like that could even develop. It’s your fault.”
She nearly screamed the last part before she started to cry and curled up on the bed. Damn him. And damn her heart for squeezing in pain. Longing. Anger. Hurt. Love. Love that was abandoned, and now withered away, trying to die in her chest. She felt like she’d taken her heart and wrapped a rubber band around it so tightly, she could choke out her love for Micah. But her heart kept beating. And hurting. She kept loving him. Hating him. Missing him.
The phone rang, and she glanced at the clock. It was twelve a.m. Frowning, she checked the caller ID and her heart tripped. Donny. She grabbed it.
“You okay?” he skipped any hello or greeting. She fell back onto the bed.
“No. I’m not. Are you?”
“About kissing you?” His stark, blunt statement was so out there. She cringed at hearing it. Oh, God help her. She kissed her brother-in-law. “Yes. But I don’t figure you can blow it off as easily as I can. I see it as their damn fault for abandoning us. I know you don’t want me, Tracy. I know who you want.”
His tone was low and quiet and soothing. She relaxed on the bed finally. Yes, she wanted her husband. She wanted Micah. Even though she hated him. It was hard and confusing for her to feel.
“Why did you call?”
“To make sure when I see you on Monday, nothing is weird. You’re my best friend in the world right now. I can’t do all this without you. And I’d like to think you need me too.”
“I do,” she whispered it because it seemed shameful to feel that way now. “You help so much with the girls. With the things I can’t fix. With…”
“I know. Nothing changes. We had a moment. We’ve had a thousand other ones.”
“You don’t have feelings for me, right?”
“No,” he answered immediately. Her heart started to relax since he sounded one hundred percent sure and confident. He didn’t have feelings for her! It was exactly as she said earlier. Just strange circumstances. They were lonely and together and alone. And they were not, as he said, actual siblings.
“Me neither. So it’s just everything else confusing us, right?”
She heard him breathe for a pronounced moment before he said, “Yes, Tracy, it was just everything coming to a head and the circumstances. So, you won’t wig out on me when I show up there Monday morning?”
She let a sigh. “I’ll try not to.”
He exhaled into the phone. “Was your house weirdly quiet when you got home? I mean, Julia isn’t loud at night as she’s asleep by eight, but just knowing she isn’t here, is like a damn hole was gutted in the house. Know what I mean?”
She leaned back against her headboard and brought her knees up to her chin and cradled the phone against her shoulder. “Yes. I totally know what you mean. Thank God we have them, huh? Otherwise, all this would be impossible to face.”
Silence was heavy, then he said clearly, “I count on you too, you know, to face it. I hope I didn’t ruin that tonight. I want your friendship more than anything. I’m really calling to see if I still have it. I had fun with you tonight, and there isn’t a whole lot of that in my life lately.”
“Yes,” she said, sure of that one thing. “We are friends.”
“So what are you wearing?”
She sat straight up. “Are you kidding me?”
“In strictly a friendship way. I meant the umbrella jammies or the kittens dancing under clouds and a rainbow jammies? Or the weird geometric ones? Or the…”
She finally leaned back again and relaxed. “Okay, I see your point. My penchant for colorful jammies, is… what’s the word?”
“Adorable?”
“No. Not adorable,” she corrected him sharply.
&nbs
p; “Why not? Kittens and babies are so adorable. Why can’t sisters-in-law be adorable too?”
She bit her lip. “Don’t flirt with me.”
“I can picture the shade of red your neck and face are turning right now.”
That made her smile. And what the hell made her smile nowadays? What made her feel adorable? Nothing. No one. And nothing on the horizon. So yeah, an attractive man saying something, even about her pajamas, and calling her adorable meant a lot. “Right. As long as it’s jammies you find adorable.”
“It is. So which ones are you wearing tonight?”
“The green ones with the little flowers.”
“Ah. I like those. They remind me of spring.”
“They do not.”
“They do too. The little daisies or whatever those circles are? Spring-like.”
“So… what are you doing tomorrow?”
His question eased the conversation from awkward, to strange, to… normal. Their normal conversations that were becoming such a daily part of her life. It was such a struggle now, but his presence was the one part that wasn’t any struggle and always made things better. That was saying a lot, since not much did anymore.
It was hard to be in that bedroom. A month passed after Micah left before Tracy finally cleaned it up and opened the shades. It was like if she kept it dark, and hovel-like, she didn’t have to fully face it in the light of day. The empty, all alone bedroom. Now, she could clean her house, cook her kids’ dinner, do the dishes and laundry, and groom herself. But during the first few weeks, accomplishing any of those tasks would have been monumental. Donny’s insistence she take care of Julia was the only reason that kept her off the couch, or huddled in bed all day while her children were at school. She also realized that a few weeks before, and her gratitude for Donny’s presence in her life grew exponentially. At first, she resented him, especially when he claimed that his and Vickie’s problems were even remotely comparable to her problems. But now? Now, she was very glad she had someone to share it with. Someone who knew how hard it was to live with on a daily, grinding basis. Donny got that. Donny understood all of that.
As it neared two o’clock in the morning, Tracy’s eyes fell shut, and she dozed off twice before his chuckling in her ear startled her awake again.
“Go to sleep, Trace. I’ll see you Monday.”
“I know. It’s just nice not to be alone. At night, I mean,” she whispered, eyes still shut, her mind almost completely out of operation.
“I agree. It is nice. Goodnight, Tracy.” The phone went dead. She lifted a hand to grab it and click it off before throwing it off her bed. As she snuggled to sleep, still on her side, she thought about things. She never crossed the line in the bed where Micah should have been, which was so stupid really. It’s like she slept there in anticipation, just waiting for him to come home. Keeping his side ready for him. So stupid. So sad. So pathetic. And so true. She was still half waiting for him to come home.
But sleep eluded her again.
She was alone. The dark was suffocating. Quiet. Obnoxious. She ended up watching old game shows well into the morning, curled up on the couch, crying intermittently. For what Micah did. For being all alone. For kissing Donny. For Vickie. For herself. For wishing she could call Donny and go back to sleep.
****
Donny hung the phone up and stared at it for minutes. He outright lied to her.
No. He had no feelings for her. Wasn’t he totally convincing in his surety that he had no feelings for his sister-in-law? He steeled his heart and head before he called, ready to do just that. Knowing it was the only thing to do. And the right thing to do.
He went home from Tracy’s and walked into his silent, dark, lonely house. It felt like the heartbeat was missing from the body. He really disliked Julia not being in the house. Especially right now, when the rest of his life was so in turmoil.
He finally decided to call the only person who might understand how severely he screwed up without totally going bat-shit crazy in judgment of him.
Tony. It was just past two a.m. in Washington D.C., his brother’s new home where he worked for Heros!Fund as a PR speechwriter and speaker. He was also writing a book about how he sustained his injury and what being out of the Army was like for him at first. Tony answered his cell on the third ring.
“Hey, man, what’s up? Any idea what time it is?”
“A lot. Yeah, I know what time it is. You got a minute?”
“Always for you. I owe you about two years, as I recall. Let me go to the living room so I don’t wake Gretchen.”
Donny could hear muffled movement. “So, what’s up, Donny?”
“Did Mom tell you I’m borrowing money? It’s that or I have to sell my house.”
Tony blew air out as if in a long exhale. “Shit. No. I’m sorry, Don. You know we can help you too.”
He shrugged even though Tony couldn’t see him. Two years ago, his brother didn’t even drive a car, and now he was offering Donny money? How far apart their lives had once again separated. “No. It just feels like shit. All of it. Sitting here, waiting for Vickie, not even knowing what I’m waiting for. I mean how long will she stay sober? A day? A week? A month? A year? A decade? Will we start working on a marriage? Or is it going to be just me, acting as her keeper as I have for the last two years. I just, don’t know how to handle this.”
“That’s a first, my little brother coming to me for advice. It’s kind of nice. I don’t think you ever have.”
“I’m sure I have.”
“No. I’m sure you haven’t. You had your plans and shit together for as long as I can remember. You rarely wavered on it. I was the screw-up. The lackey. The problem. The one who didn’t do it right.”
“Don’t worry. I don’t do anything right as of now.”
“Bullshit. You’re the most responsible, upstanding man I know. With Vickie. With our parents. With me. You’ll get through this, Don. You’re just not used to things not going your way.”
“Did you hate me? When you lost your arm, and I was doing fine, did you hate me?”
“Never. Not for a moment. You were solid. You don’t get preachy to others. You were just there for me. Why? Do you hate me because my life isn’t shit right now?”
Donny finally chuckled. He sat down on his bed and stared at his feet as he rested his forehead in his hand. “I really fucked up, Tony.”
“Nah. You really didn’t. Micah did. Vickie did. You’re picking up the pieces like you always do.”
“No. Not all that. Well, some of that. I fucked up marrying Vickie. I never loved her. I never even knew her. I dread her coming home.”
Tony was silent, for almost a full thirty seconds. “O-kay. Wow. I’m sorry you feel that way. I was hoping you wouldn’t ever. I know why, I just hoped you’d never really see her like I did.”
Donny laughed with a snort. “How did I not? You must have thought I was a total jackass with her.”
“Pretty much. But who was I to talk or judge? Shit, I was still moping in the basement.”
“There’s more.”
“What?”
“This stays between us. Not even Gretchen can know.”
Tony shuffled around. “Okay, you have my attention now.”
“I have… feelings for someone else. Another woman.”
Stunned silence followed his proclamation. Tony cleared his throat. “I didn’t expect that because it’s you. But okay. Sure. You’re alone. She’s in rehab. Sure, someone else looks pretty good right now. I mea—”
“It’s Tracy.” He blurted out the words, interrupting Tony.
This time, Tony merely swore in about five different combinations into the phone. “Please tell me you don’t mean our mutual sister-in-law.”
“How many Tracys do you know?”
“That’s just wrong. So wrong. Stop it, Donny. I mean now. Forever. There is no good result in that.”
“You think I don’t know that? You just don’t get it. We’re out h
ere, all alone, the two of us. She’s nearly raising my kid. I act like her kids’ damn father. I help with their homework, and games and fix stuff. It’s like, us against the world. And we’re a damn good team. Something I never had with Vickie. Not even for a day. It’s like—”
“What I have with Gretchen.”
“Yeah. Like that,” Donny said, his tone weary. His entire body sagged with the guilt. He flopped back on his bed.
“Look, I think Tracy’s great. I always did. I never got what you saw in Vickie. Not even for a second. But you married her. You have a child. Tracy is her sister. There is nothing there. There can’t be. And you don’t need me pointing that out to you. You know.”
“I know. But it’s there.”
“You’re in a really weird spot in your life. You’ve always had things go right for you. You’ve always worked hard so things went how they were supposed to. I’m sorry. I’m heartbroken this happened to you and Tracy and those kids. But unfair shit happens all the time, Donny. I don’t know how else to put it. I lost my arm one day. Your wife’s not what you thought. You can’t control most of what happens in life, contrary to what you might think. But you can control how you react to it. It took me a long time to find a decent reaction. Don’t be me. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t screw everything up. You have too much going for you. Vickie will come home and she won’t seem so far from you then. Give it chance. Give her a chance. You owe it to her.”
“I kissed Tracy.”
Donny thought maybe the line went dead. Finally, Tony sighed. “This isn’t just an infatuation? You share things in common right now, and you share this shit, so maybe a year from now, you might barely even talk. It was probably just heated circumstances. A mistake—”
“I meant to do it. It wasn’t a mistake.”
“It has to be. You get that? It has to be a mistake. There is no way that would work. What do you expect? You’ll divorce Vickie while you and Tracy go raise your three kids together? You think Tracy would ever do that to her own sister? Do you think she’ll have you go from being their uncle to their daddy with her kids? I know Tracy as well as you, and I can tell you that will never happen. It’s hopeless, Don. You must know that.”
