by Leanne Davis
“Even if I don’t want it to be?”
“Even if you don’t want it to be.”
“What if I told you, you could never have Gretchen again. What would you do?”
Tony waited a second and his breathing increased. “You can’t feel that strongly.”
“I might.”
“You owe it to Julia. Vickie. Yourself. Forget it, man. You have a family now. You owe them a lot more than pursuing a woman you can never have.”
“You don’t get—”
“Yes, I do. I get the attraction to Tracy. I never got it to Vickie. Tracy’s it, man. Quality. Fun. Loving. Sweet. Smart. Tough. And damn cute. I get it, Donny. I’m just telling you: it can’t happen. You need to stop it now before everyone gets hurt. Including her kids, and even mine. This can’t happen.”
Donny shut his eyes and pressed a finger into one. The pain in his head turned into a dull throb, which was becoming quite common. Anxiety, stress, and unhappiness always had his head pounding nowadays.
“And this is why I called you. I knew you’d never blow smoke up my ass. I can always count on you to be honest. Blunt. And say the truth.”
“You know, I wish I didn’t have to.”
“I know. But damn, if you’re not right.”
“Yeah,” Tony said, his tone hollow. “Damn, if I’m not right.
Donny hung up and collected himself before calling Tracy. He was totally convincing when he told her how highly he valued her friendship. He did; he just longed for so much more. And damn, if he didn’t picture her wearing the green cotton jammies. That image relaxed him and the pain in his head started to subside, especially when she started talking about Ally’s stupid math teacher and how he graded. How in the hell could talking about a middle school teacher’s unfair grading system possibly pique his interest at one in the morning? Yet, strangely enough, it did. When he hung up, it felt like he just ended what could have been the best thing to ever have entered his life.
Chapter Twelve
VICKIE CAME HOME FINALLY. Ninety days after first entering rehab, she returned home. Tracy drove over there that very evening to see her. She left her kids at home, alone, with Ally in charge. It was a new first for Tracy that she was anxious to test. She showed up at Donny’s house alone, the first time she’d been there since Vickie left.
Her sister was subdued. The smile that blossomed on her face at Tracy’s appearance ripped through Tracy’s heart. It revealed her relief, joy and exhaustion all in one.
“Tracy! You’re here.”
She walked in Donny and Vickie’s house, feeling like a fraud. An imposter. A cheat. A low-down, skanky ho-bag. Especially when she saw how fatigued Vickie looked. She was pale and so different than usual. She seemed fragile, and not in a helpless, clueless way, but a victimized kind of way. A way Tracy never saw her before. Suddenly, quite starkly, it hammered home where Vickie was and what she had to deal with. Pangs of guilt tore Tracy up. She could not meet Donny’s gaze when he came in from the kitchen and stood in the living room. She avoided looking at him. She swore she could feel his eyes boring into her.
During the last few weeks since that fateful, horrible day, a semblance of normality between them began to evolve. It was so awkward the first few days as he dropped off and picked up Julia. According to some unspoken agreement, he no longer stayed for the dinners she cooked, and only helped Ally or Kylie with their homework if they specifically asked him to. They did the same thing with Julia: gradually decreasing the time Tracy spent with her the closer it got to Vickie’s release date.
Donny and Gayle picked Vickie up, and Gayle was now in the kitchen, making dinner.
“Of course, I’m here,” she said as she slid next to her sister and wrapped her arm around her shoulder. Vickie leaned into her embrace. “How are you? I almost came to pick you up too, but I didn’t want you to feel overwhelmed.”
“I’m overwhelmed,” she said, her tone quiet and subdued. And totally not Vickie. “It’s hard being back here. Trying to be the person that everyone expects me to be. Mom and Dad refuse to accept it, no matter how many times I try to explain it. They think it’s Donny’s fault, and that he somehow overreacted and convinced me to go to rehab.”
So that explained it. She asked her mother many times during Vickie’s rehab what was going on with Donny and the others, but her mother just shrugged it off. And never really answered her. Who knew Donny was the one they blamed for Vickie’s disease? And Vickie’s problems. As well as Vickie’s solutions. Like usual, her damn parents refused to believe Vickie could do anything wrong. It had to be someone else’s fault. Tracy pressed a finger to the center of her forehead. Always they came up with the excuses. Always finding a reason for Vickie not to toe the line. Or follow the rules. Or be an adult.
“But you know this isn’t Donny’s fault, right?”
Vickie turned and stared into Tracy’s eyes. “I know whose fault this is. I know what I am.”
“I’m sorry. By fault I meant, you were in rehab; not fault like you did something wrong to become an alcoholic. I know that isn’t your fault.
“Some things are. Like how long I let it go on without telling anyone. And by exposing Julia to it.”
Tracy simply leaned closer and hugged Vickie, her heart swelling with joy. “Oh, Vickie, I never dreamed I’d hear you talk that way. I’m so proud of you.”
“For what?”
“For realizing there are consequences to your actions.”
Vickie shook her head. “I’m not sure I can do it. Being at home. Being labeled as an alcoholic. I’ve always hidden it because I liked keeping it a secret. Now I have to quit drinking because now everyone knows. Everyone will watch me now and judge every little thing I do.”
“It’s better this way, Vickie. You don’t have to pretend anymore. We’re all here to help you. We love you, and want to support you. We’re not judging you. We’re not expecting you to fail; we’re here to encourage your success.”
Vickie nodded and hugged her as Donny appeared in the living room and listened to her last statement. He leaned down and quietly said something into Vickie’s ear. She nodded and smiled as she got up and followed him down into the bedroom. Most likely, Julia was up and it was time for them to be reunited.
It bothered her, and Tracy desperately hated herself for the small tug of jealousy she felt about Vickie getting Julia. She also winced at seeing Donny’s support and kindness to Vickie.
She shook her head. This was all so weird and confusing. Vickie returning from rehab to hopefully, reconnect with her daughter, to knowing she was now free of Julia and Donny’s continued dominance in her daily life.
Tracy eventually passed through the kitchen when Donny started to come in. They stopped dead in their tracks, a foot from each other. The air around them suddenly felt thick and full of something tangible. Tracy felt the heat of a blush rising up her neck and infiltrating her cheeks. Damn her coloring. She wanted to appear calm, and collected… totally fine. Normal. Wonderful. Desperately, she wished she could feel like she was simply running into her brother-in-law at her sister’s house, while her parents spoke in muted tones in the living room.
Something felt very different with Donny. Seeing Donny in front of her family, most especially, Vickie, felt really weird. Even awkward. In that moment, she felt like the last three months never occurred. Like they hadn’t become so familiar with each other, they could finish each other’s thoughts, or find the humor in their stilted conversations. Like they hadn’t been helping to raise each other’s kids, or spending more than a dozen nights just talking on the phone until the wee hours.
Suddenly, all of it felt wrong. Dirty. Terrible. As if it were a naughty secret between them, and very naughty at that. She felt insecure and didn’t know how to act with Donny now that Vickie was around.
Her gaze darted everywhere until she finally had to look at Donny. He was staring right at her, of course. She cleared her throat from nervous habit. “So, she seems po
sitive. Subdued and worried, but as though she got a lot out of it this time. I feel like she really put some work into it and has returned to us a different Vickie.”
He nodded, his gaze fastened on hers. She shifted her weight on her feet. Why the intense staring?
“She does seem different. I just hope it lasts.”
Tracy looked hard at him, licking her lips, then plastered a smile on her face. “So maybe she can take care of Julia now?”
He shrugged. “No. Not yet. We’ll slowly ease her into that.”
“Of course. I think my mom wants to come over now and stay with her during the day. So she can, of course, supervise her with Julia.”
He frowned. “Now Gayle wants to help?”
She bit her lip to keep her expression neutral. “Yes. Now that Vickie is home.”
He rolled his eyes, and his gaze swept over her. “How are you?”
His tone sounded more familiar, like how he spoke to her on the phone. In that one sentence, the rest of the family and all the tension between them evaporated. They were themselves again.
“I’m glad she’s talking so differently. I’m glad she seems truly reformed.”
“I am too. But I meant, how are you? And the girls?”
Missing you. Missing Micah. She didn’t say that out loud, however. She smiled a little too brightly as she replied, “Well, now that Julia will no longer be coming over, I’m deciding what to do next. It’s time, right? I’ve had plenty of time to mope around, and find a new phase in my life. I think I’m going to see a lawyer first about getting a divorce.”
Divorce. She never said that out loud. Never in reference to herself and Micah. It sounded so wrong, like she said her name in a different language, using the wrong pronunciation.
He nodded as he reached a hand out to her shoulder. “That sounds like progress. What are you thinking of doing?”
She kept her expression blank to hide the panic his question elicited. She had no idea. Taking classes and working as a part-time a bookkeeper seemed out now. Last year’s plan. What she would have been doing to fill up a few hours while the kids were at school. That was when she lived on Micah’s income. There was never any huge rush or sense of desperation for her to work. Until now.
She had no idea what she would do with the rest of her life. Now, it stretched out before her like a long, empty road.
“I don’t know,” she replied as she realized how much she wanted Julia to come over tomorrow. That she could do. With her eyes shut. All the time she thought she resented it, but in reality, it provided the excuse she needed, and wanted, just to avoid facing this decision. What should she do now?
“Donny? Can you grab Julia’s Sippy cup?” Vickie called from the living room.
He shut his eyes and his shoulders dropped for a split second before he straightened up and called back, “Sure. Be right there.”
He gave Tracy a small smile. “I, uh, guess things are… moving forward, huh?”
“Moving forward. Yes. About time.”
She started to walk around him, but he touched her shoulder as she began to pass him. She glanced up. His dark brown eyes blazed with something. Heat? Anger? Annoyance? What? “Thank you.”
“For?”
“The last three months.”
She smiled with a polite, fake nod. “Of course. We both really helped each other. What else is family for?” Then she turned on her heel before he could answer and hid in the bathroom. Her hands shook. Why? Why was she having such a suddenly strong reaction to Donny? Why the weird feelings of jealousy and betrayal when she watched him talk and interact with Vickie? Why did she resent the kind tones he used with Vickie about Julia? Her Julia.
No! Julia was nothing more than her adorable, wonderful niece, only. And she was nothing more than an extra-involved babysitter to Julia. She was Vickie’s baby. Now Vickie, under Gayle’s supervision, needed to start learning how to care for her, and how to reconnect with her.
That was great. And Tracy needed to move on. Find a job. Find a new life. Get out of the house. She was not a stay-at-home mom any longer. She was… well, nothing, right now, but she desperately intended to find something. And then, she would visit with Julia on holidays, or the odd Saturday night and family vacations. All appropriate visitations. She would be the best aunt ever, but now that her mother was back, it was time Vickie became her primary caretaker.
Tracy couldn’t deny the sharp tug she felt deep in her stomach. She would really miss seeing Julia every day.
****
It was amazing how helpful her parents could be when they chose to. For whatever reason, Vickie’s reappearance did something that kick-started their interest in Tracy again. Vickie did not work. Her entire focus nowadays was centered on the out-patient rehabilitation classes she went to daily as well as her meetings. She was also getting reacquainted with her daughter and Donny. Tracy had to credit Vickie. For a girl who never finished anything in her life, Vickie clung to her rehab schedule like she was earning a college degree. She didn’t take the easy route. She chose a ninety-day program instead of the typical thirty. She was now enrolled in another thirty-day transitional rehab that met daily for half the day. She worked with a drug and alcohol counselor about the strategies of dealing with real life situations and avoiding triggers. She attended five AA meetings a week. She was doing everything humanly possible to improve. Tracy could not fault her for that. She felt nothing but respect and awe at seeing her little sister’s metamorphosis.
Her parents started coming to Vickie’s house to watch Julia while Vickie attended her classes and meetings. They also came to Tracy’s house often on their way home. She didn’t get it. What did Vickie’s rehab have to do with her? It was like they were angry she was taking care of Julia, but now that Julia was back where she belonged, they managed to grace Tracy with some relief and help. No matter how odd it seemed, she eagerly accepted any assistance they offered. They also seemed to blame her for having such serious problems when Vickie had to go to rehab. Like Tracy had infringed on Vickie’s recovery by making Micah leave as he did.
Always, her problems and her situation took a backseat to Vickie’s.
It didn’t matter because she had to find something different to do. She applied for several jobs, and still had no idea how to spend her time. She felt more adrift of late than she did when Micah first deserted them. Then, she was nearly catatonic in her grief. Now, she was totally confused and lost. She wasn’t needed at home. Not really. There was no one there for her. No Micah. No Julia. No Donny, even. Her own kids liked hanging out with her parents most of the time.
She had to work at keeping her resentment in. She couldn’t begin to understand their reaction to Vickie. Gretchen was the one they more or less considered Vickie’s other caregiver. Gretchen was automatically expected to be fine; and usually, she was. She excelled at overcoming life’s hardships. Tracy? Her parents didn’t really show how they felt, one way or another, about her. Even Micah’s abandonment was something they rarely commented on or asked her about. As always, Vickie’s drama, although very real and critical in scope, totally eclipsed hers. Tracy, however, believed hers was every bit as real and critical as Vickie’s, even if they didn’t.
So, today, she had no idea, again, what to do with the rest of her life.
The thought kept her from sleeping well. She wandered through her empty, quiet house during the day all alone, feeling lost and forgotten. She never felt so isolated or alone. Nor did she realize how much Julia, and even Donny with all his comings and goings, managed to fill up the void that her life had become.
Meanwhile, Ally kept getting into trouble. Her grades dropped from nearly straight As to C minuses. She kept intermittently mouthing off. Sometimes, she was sweet and almost seemed clingy and needy to Tracy. Other times, she was downright mean and rude and nasty with her angry outbursts.
Kylie? Kylie was slowly fading away from her. Tracy didn’t know what to do. She was so quiet. She didn’t talk to a
nyone. She didn’t grieve. She didn’t seem to feel anything. Tracy nearly pulled her hair out in frustration. Each evening, after she said goodnight to Kylie, Kylie never changed her expression or responded to anything she said. The counselor diagnosed it as “general depression.” Although they could easily trace the source to Micah’s desertion, an external event, for Tracy, it didn’t lessen or ease the impact internally on Kylie. Tracy grew terrified over her child’s mental health. Now it was Kylie, more often than Ally, who kept her awake at night. She scoured websites, and went to the library, reading anything and everything she could find to figure out what to do about Kylie’s apathy and depression.
There appeared to be no answer.
Other terrible worries crossed Tracy’s brain. Things like teenage depression, eating disorders, drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, low self-esteem, and suicide. That last one kept her pacing her bedroom during the wee hours. It whispered in the dead of night, when darkness allowed her worst fears to be uttered loudly inside her brain. She tried to banish it. She mentally shook it out of her thoughts. She was sure; well, positive, or at least, ninety percent positive, that Kylie would never do such a thing. Never. Ever. She was young, and shy and sweet and… ever so fragile.
Tracy's sanity started to bow under the worrisome weight she suffered for Kylie. She couldn’t reach her little girl and hated not knowing what to do.
Daily now, she began to discuss it with Gretchen. Who better to seek for advice? Still, separated by the distance of the entire country, Gretchen couldn’t really help. She still managed to give Tracy plenty of ideas to try, and different words to use in her approach to Kylie. Tracy also upped Kylie’s counseling appointments, but all they could determine was that Kylie suffered from generalized depression due to her father’s abrupt departure and ensuing absence. Micah. Everything came back to Micah. Whether her children were angry and rebellious, or sad and apathetic, it all came back to Micah’s decision to leave. And she almost ended up in a most inappropriate relationship with her brother-in-law because Micah left.
